1.
Who
doesn�t want to be a millionaire?
2.
If
a company wants to keep you on hold, then why don�t they play more
exciting music?
3.
Is
it really worth it for a bee to sting?�
If they die after they sting, that seems to be a pretty big sacrifice
just to get you back for bothering it.
4.
Would
people still smoke if they knew that what they�re doing has the same effect as
inhaling ground-up blacktop?
5.
Why
do hangmen need to follow a special procedure in hanging criminals?� Aren�t the criminals supposed to die anyhow?
6.
What
difference would it make if a lawyer were with an inmate to be executed?� What are they going to do at that
point?
7.
Would
you all just shut up about the �chicken and the egg� question?� What does it matter which came first
anyway?� The only things that matter are
that they�re both here and that you can eat them.
8.
Why
is Christopher Columbus� birthday celebrated?�
What are we celebrating?� He
wasn�t the first to get here.� He made
slaves of the natives.� Do some research
and let�s celebrate Vespucci Day instead.
9.
One
of Tylenol�s side effects is headaches.�
Go figure.
10.
What
if �team� were spelled �teim�, or something?�
Then there would be an �I� in �teim�.� What would they say then?
11.
How
can a house have, say, 1� bathrooms?�
Isn�t the fraction a little deceiving?�
I mean, how could one have half a room?�
It�s still a room.
12.
Did
the geniuses who thought up the �i before e, except after c� rule not think
hard enough to encounter the common word �weird�?
13.
What�s
the difference between �mostly cloudy� and �partly sunny�?
14.
�Daylight
saving time� does not �save� one second of daylight.
15.
�Head
over heels� isn�t that exciting an image; if you�re standing up, you�re �head
over heels�.
16.
What�s
the point of legally owning a radar detector if it�s illegal to use
it?
17.
Hmm.� Nicotine is the most addictive
substance known to man� more addictive than heroin, marijuana, cocaine, PCP,
ecstasy, and opium.� Wow.� And nicotine�s legal.� Hmm�
18.
Enamel
is the hardest, most durable substance in the human body.� It�s a wonder the stuff isn�t used more
often in manufacturing.
19.
Sleep
is weird.� (There�s that word
again�)� You don�t know when
you�re falling asleep, you don�t know that you�re dreaming until you wake up,
and you don�t know that you�ve fallen asleep until you wake up.
20.
Another
sign of Americocentrism� Major League Baseball calls its championships the
�World Series�.� Funny, I thought the
world extended beyond the US and southern Canada�
21.
If
�disheveled� means �messed up�, why isn�t there a word �heveled� or �sheveled�
meaning �neat�?
22.
If
cows are ever surprised, do you think that they�d say �holy human�?
23.
Bugs
are animals, right?� So how come PETA
hasn�t said a thing about bug sprays?
24.
What�s
so hard about putting on a seat belt?�
Why don�t so many people do it?
25.
Images
can�t spit.
26.
Pigs
can�t sweat; I�m sweating like a pig typing this.
27.
Wanna
wake a sleepwalker cruelly?� Slip a fork
in his hand.� Throw the toaster on.� Guide him toward the toaster.� Run away quickly.
28.
DSL
shouldn�t stand for �digital subscriber line.��
It should stand for �damned slow linkup.�
29.
If
you limit yourself to, say, seven potato chips daily, you can burn off those
bad calories by sitting on your butt all day, just breathing.
30.
The
fear of extremely long words is hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliaphobia.� Imagine one afflicted with this condition
trying to tell his psychologist his problem.�
(Think about it.)� This language
can be so cruel�
31.
Interesting
irony:� the word �misspelled� is often
misspelled.
32.
Interesting
irony: Britney Spears is a singer.
33.
Dandruff-afflicted
people like wintertime: they can brush their hair off in a snowstorm and other
people would hardly notice the difference.
34.
Don�t
ever do anything wrong when your mother isn�t looking; she�ll
look at just the wrong time.
35.
Union
picket lines are organized assemblages of tantrum-throwing crybabies.
36.
If,
say, your mother-in-law drops in without notice, you can very easily have her
arrested for trespassing because you didn�t know that she was coming nor did
you give her the OK to come.� Something
to think about�
37.
How
about every American asking Bill Gates for $1000?� Everyone in the United States would be happier, and good old
Billy Boy would still have a cool $30 billion in the bank.� It�s a win-win situation that leaves everyone
happy.
38.
I
tell you, we were sure lucky we got through the Reagan age alive; at the end of
his presidency, he was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer�s disease with his
doddering finger on the nuclear warhead button.
39.
We
never hear about Mr. Butterworth.�
I wonder how he�s doing.
40.
�You
can cut the tension with a knife.��
That�s not a good measure of tension; you�d think that, the thicker the
tension, the harder it would be to cut.
41.
Ratatouille:
it�s gotta be one of the funnest words to say in the English language.
42.
You
know the little jokes you find on �Good Humor� bars?� They�re not good humor.
43.
It�s
not spelled �nucular�.� It�s spelled
�nuclear�.� Say it right.
44.
In
a few states, suicide is a capital offense.�
Isn�t that law kind of pointless?
45.
Ratatouille!� Just say it over and over.� Ratatouille!� Ratatouille!
46.
Don�t
you just hate it when you got a faulty O-ring and, BOOM! all of a sudden, your
freaking space shuttle explodes in midair?�
AARGHH!� It gets me every
time.
47.
Ratatouille.� Ratatouille.�
Ratatouille!� Ratatouille!�
RATATOUILLE!
48.
Modern-day
version of da Vinci:� you can in your
left hand write in Ebonics, and in your right hand write the Southern U.S.
dialectal translation of the Ebonics language.
49.
You
don�t think that Lee Harvey Oswald wanted Marilyn Monroe or Jacqueline Kennedy
Onassis, do you?� That�s a sickening
thought.
50.
Whoever
wrote �Who Let The Dogs Out� should be sentenced to listening to the song in a
constant loop for eight hours.� That
should prevent the composer from writing any more music, ever.
51.
I
bet a big pet peeve for medieval knights was when after they got all set with
their suits of armor on and swords ready and, just as they were readying
themselves for that big jousting match, a thunderstorm hit.
52.
Can
any contemporary boy band get through a love song without singing the word
�girl�?
53.
If
Dr. Laura says that it�s �immoral� for a woman to work, that what does she
think she�s doing hosting a radio show, writing books, and doing lectures?
54.
Why
is the word �dictionary� in the dictionary?�
You�d think that you know what it is if you�re using it.
55.
Quick
and easy ways to make Olympic archery a lot more exciting: goalies and
blindfolds.
56.
Make
the golf courses a lot harder for Tiger Woods:�
install oscillators on each cup and operate them right when he�s
putting.
57.
Parker
Brothers should come out with a Microsoft� version of Monopoly�.
58.
How
did girls and women of the late 1960s think that Mick Jagger was sexy?
59.
Razzmatazz:
another one of the funnest English words to say.
60.
Vichyssoise:
yet another one of the funnest English words to say.
61.
With
today�s advanced technology, I can�t understand why words are blatantly
misspelled in newspapers.
62.
If
you begin reading the New York Times at about 6 a.m., by the time you finish
reading the entire newspaper, the next issue will already have
come out.� How do they print so
much every day?
63.
I
bet you Mr. Fields is really tired of tasting cookies for his wife by now.
64.
Is
it just my perspective, or is Dave Thomas getting really annoying?
65.
What
must it be like to be Wendy Thomas, seeing her dad do commercials for a very
popular fast food restaurant named after her?
66.
Based
on the way traffic signs are read, I�d say that about 60% of all drivers in the
United States are illiterate.� At least
it seems so.
67.
It�s
amazing how Regis Philbin restrains himself from saying anything bad when a
dumb contestant makes it to the Hot Seat.�
Because you can really tell sometimes when Regis gets annoyed at a
contestant who doesn�t know an easy one.
68.
Candidate
for Dummy of the Century: using a lifeline on the $100 question.
69.
You
know, I could put something �coincidentally� perverse on this number,
but it would be so juvenile, wouldn�t it be?
70.
Wanna
reduce the Britney Spears �fan base�?�
Spread a rumor that she�s a lesbian.�
Ooh.� That�ll make some
guys feel really awkward.
71.
Did
Cheap Trick really think that putting four ugly guys in their group would make
them take off?
72.
How
did Romans multiply and divide with Roman numerals?
73.
Do
you ever think that PGA Tour members have thought of the possibility of
shanking a ball into the gallery and seriously injuring someone?� I�m entirely serious� it�s not funny at
all.� It�s scary.
74.
How
did Bob Dylan get such a huge singing career with such a terrible singing
voice?
75.
Dogs
circle three times before they lie down.�
A similar sensation is felt by some inebriated humans.
76.
Did
you ever notice how, sometimes, being a jerk gets you a lot more pleasure than
being nice?
77.
Sure,
microphones by tees in golf tournaments provide a nice effect of the thwack of
impact of club on ball.� But, that
microphone can very easily pick up a curse word if a bad shot ensues.
78.
Tiger
Woods can be so boastful in his self-deprecation.� He can hit every fairway and hit most greens in regulation,
shoot, say, 3 or 4 under par for 18 holes, and still say that he could do much
better.
79.
I
swear, the phrase �big time� and the pronunciation �coinkydink� should be
outlawed.� They�re so annoying.
80.
Do
people think that a really loud noise and a cheesy automated voice saying �Step
away from the car!� would deter a professional car thief?
81.
If
a foul ball comes straight back and hits the screen, why do people behind it
flinch even though they know that the baseball won�t hit them?
82.
Cheese
gets a bad rap; �cheesy� means �full of cheese� or �resembling cheese�, but it
also means �cheap� or �ostensibly showy�.�
Cheese doesn�t deserve to be associated in such a way.
83.
People
say that they go �by the book�; I�d like to buy this book.� It sounds like it�s pretty useful.
84.
Whenever
people state a common principle or adage, they often prefix it with �they say
that��.� Who�s �they�?� Some infinite council of wise men?
85.
If
women were considered inferior to men in the time of Jesus Christ, then why is
Mary honored with a celebration day while Joseph is relatively glossed over by
the Church?� (Oops; see thought 165!)
86.
Here�s
an interesting oxymoron:� rap music.
87.
Why
haven�t legislators made it a law to wear helmets while riding motorcycles?
88.
The
U.S. is normally classified as a democracy, and yet the Pledge of Allegiance
says that it�s a republic.� The Pledge
is correct; I don�t know why we haven�t listened to that.� Most still call the U.S. a democracy.
89.
Why
are prayer services held over the Senate if there is a passage in the US
Constitution about the separation of church and state matters?
90.
You
think Einstein was a genius?� Wolfgang
Amadeus Mozart wrote a harpsichord concerto when he was five years old.� I call that genius.
91.
Those
weigh stations that you drive by on highways are almost never open.� Why not?
92.
How
was OJ Simpson found not guilty of first-degree murder, yet was found liable
for the action?� That is, he apparently
didn�t do it, but was legally responsible.�
That makes no sense.� (By the
way, did he find the real killer yet?)
93.
A
ten-gallon hat holds only three quarts of liquid.� Go figure.
94.
The
Secret Service isn�t secret at all.� Everyone
knows about it.
95.
Cape
Cod is not a cape.� It�s an island.� It�s actually completely surrounded by
water.
96.
�Get
your freak on.�� What the heck is that
supposed to mean?
97.
Barry
Manilow sung �I Write the Songs.�� He didn�t
write the song.� Go figure.
98.
Why
are so many �Weakest Link� castoffs ungrateful losers?
99.
The
only �reality television� shows are sports events, game shows, award shows, and
newscasts.� Don�t even try to tell me
that �Survivor� is fully real.
100.
The
Beatles� 1 is a #1 album over 30 years after the band broke
up.� Let�s see the Backstreet Boys or
*NSync do that in the 2030s.
101.
The
WWF is considered a sports �organization�?�
Come on.� It�s all fake.� Do you really believe Vince McMahon,
owner of the one-year-long XFL?� The
only real wrestling sports are sumo and Greco-Roman.
102.
To
really screw up dancers who are really annoying or embarrassing you, step on
their heels.� That way, it looks
unintentional and you�ll still screw up their rhythms enough to make them stop.
103.
Can
you imagine the Rolling Stones� doing �Oops! I Did It Again�?� Do you know how stupid it would sound?� It would sound just as stupid as Britney
Spears� �hit� version of �(I Can�t Get No) Satisfaction�.
104.
Good
way to stop fingernail biting: a bit of strychnine on the fingertips.
105.
Good
way to stop nose picking: a bit of ammonia on the fingertips.
106.
I
would rather drink hydrochloric acid and wash it down with a little DDT than
meet any boy band, hip-hop singer, or rap group.
107.
How
many different ways can modern singers sing the word �me�?
108.
If
�boy bands� can�t play instruments, how can they be called �bands�?
109.
Drum
machines are for losers.� Real musicians
record live drumming.
110.
Prince
was stupid in writing a song like �1999�.�
Didn�t he know that 1999 would eventually pass by and the song wouldn�t
make sense after 1999?
111.
Leave
it to Americans to define the word �bad� as a term meaning �very good�.
112.
It
irks me when people try to win arguments by repeating the same exact point over
and over again.
113.
It�s
hardly not confusing when people neglect not to use double negatives.
114.
Pfizer
shouldn�t try to film delicate, gentle commercials advertising Viagra.� I mean, come on! (Oops,
double-entendre!)� It�s about men whose
penises cannot be filled properly with blood!�
Tell it like it is.
115.
I
don�t know what all the buzz is about Britney Spears.� She has little talent, and she�s really not that good-looking.
116.
Have
you ever noticed how, in some commercials for medicines, they mention some side
effects to be �sexual side effects�?�
Can�t they just say �impotence�?�
What, is it illegal to say that or something?
117.
Why
do neutered dogs think that human legs are sources of sexual satisfaction?
118.
Why
is the human nervous system sometimes so cruel?� When you have an itch, you scratch it, which causes an itching
sensation, which makes you scratch it again, and so on.� It�s really annoying.
119.
DOT
workers do a good job of making it look like they�re working very hard.� Please!�
The flagman is the hardest working DOT worker on any site.
120.
Larry
Flynt has Johann Gutenberg to thank deeply:�
without his printing press, alas, there would be no porno.
121.
Gerald
Ford was an ultimate �right place, right time� figure in US history; when Spiro
Agnew resigned, Ford was there to be vice president; when Nixon resigned, Ford
was there to become president.� He was
just freakin� lucky.
122.
Where
has all the tradition gone in Major League Baseball?� It doesn�t really send chills up my spine when I think of Enron
Field, Network Associates Coliseum, PNC Park, and Pacific Bell Park.
123.
Why
isn�t everyone a pessimist?� If you
always expect the worst, you will never be disappointed.
124.
People
think that cellular phones cause cancer.�
I mean, let�s use some common sense.�
A hair dryer emits more electrical power than a cell phone.� You don�t see any hair dryer users getting
cancer like that, nor do you see any studies on that.� It�s asinine.
125.
A
very unlikely sight: MC Hammer as an accounting teacher.
126.
When
the English language was being developed, why couldn�t the language have
consistent pronunciation and spelling rules like pretty much every other spoken
language on Earth?
127.
To
all those crazy Elvis fans:� Get over
it.� Elvis is dead.� It�s been proven.� He�s not working at some gas station, hardware store, or
convenience store in Nowheresville.�
He�s dead.� Kaput.� Kicked the bucket.
128.
What
happens if a person with multiple personality disorder is cloned, resulting in
another MPD human?� That would be an
awfully confusing situation for the patient.
129.
How
come women aren�t considered transvestites when they dress in tuxedos or blue
jeans?� Those clothes were specifically
designed for men.� Technically, those
wearers are transvestites.
130.
How
could one not consider golf a legitimate sport?� They say, �What�s so hard about smacking a
ball toward a little hole?�� I�d like to
see them try golf.� The sport
requires incredible concentration, more than any other sport, and extreme
precision.� One minute kink can mean a
tee shot out of bounds as opposed to a shot straight down the fairway.� So there.
131.
What
do people need guns for?� The only
people who should use guns are police officers and target shooters.� The only purpose of a gun is to shoot and
kill either people or animals.� I mean,
I understand that, when ovens weren�t around, they had to kill for food.� But with modern technology, there�s no way that
should happen.
132.
Police
officers can be spoilsports.� Who says
that all �exposure� is, indeed, �indecent�?
133.
I
know Regis looks disappointed on the outside, but when someone misses a
question for $1000 or less and wins nothing, he has to be laughing so hard on
the inside.� He does a brilliant job
holding it in.
134.
I
don�t know if I�m the only one thinking this, but aren�t Regis Philbin and Anne
Robinson diametrically opposite each other?
135.
If
The Rock is at home making dinner, do you still think he shouts through the
house, �Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?!�
136.
Whoever
invented the coin dispenser is a genius.�
(*Contributed by Ben F.*)
137.
The
diet soda advertisers really rip you off.�
They say that one-calorie soda is good for you.� They say that it�s much better for you than
regular soda.� Don�t believe them.� Aspartame, an artificial sweetener, actually
releases free radicals, which can cause cancer, in the body.
138.
Where
did we ever acquire the notion that men are not supposed to cry?� What, are men too macho to express
their emotions?� Of course not!� No one should be afraid to cry.� It�s healthy to do so occasionally.
139.
There�s
no point of using DSLs on a network if 400-some computers are connected to only
three or four servers.
140.
Why
is it that, in modern commercials and TV shows, men are made to look like total
boors and dolts with the women as the guiding forces that correct and even
insult them?� (Women: DON�T say that
this is a fair characterization!)
141.
Another
thing that irks me: Lifetime.� All that
television station channel does is play predominantly female TV shows and show
ultrafeminist movies that characterize the men as cruel beasts, the women as
�poor victims�.� Sure, you can be
feminist, but that doesn�t mean that you can cross the line to embarrass men.
142.
You
know, companies should make hose winders that actually wind up hoses without
tangling or snagging them.
143.
Very
few of the people who like to sing along with radio songs have good singing
voices.� Most of those are unbearable
to listen to.
144.
Shouldn�t
the phrase �no love lost� actually be �no love gained�?� You want to draw the picture that the two
groups hate each other more.
145.
If
�with� and �against� are antonyms, then why do the phrases �fight with� and
�fight against� mean the same?
146.
When
people try to imitate golf swings, they often yell �Fore!� and then
swing.� Unless you know before
you hit it that you might hit someone, that is an entirely nonsensical
sequence.
147.
Baseball
is the only sport in which the offense never has possession of the ball,
and the defense has full control of the game tempo at all times.� The defense is the only side that ever
can possess the ball.
148.
Legislators
should pass some sort of law limiting the speed at which disclaimers are
spoken, the minimum font size of a TV commercial disclaimer, and the minimum
time that a disclaimer appears on a TV screen.
149.
Gee.� If they had only looked at the lyrics or
listened to the song �Louie, Louie� with care, they would not have banned the
song from airplay.
150.
Why
can�t companies make loud yet pleasant-sounding alarm clocks?
151.
Why
do drivers try to avoid road kill if the animal is dead already?
152.
How
do horse racing bettors bet on horses about which they know very little?
153.
Why
do so many drivers completely abandon common sense while they�re on the
roadways?
154.
�Saturday
Night Live� is not live.� It gets taped
earlier in the day.� Go figure.
155.
It�s
not really �Who Wants to Be a Millionaire�.�
It should be �Who Wants to Be a Half-Millionaire�.� You don�t get much more than that after
taxes are lopped off.
156.
Following
up on the previous thought, does Uncle Sam have to be such a spoilsport and get
about half of game show winnings?� Why
can�t he just leave them well enough alone?
157.
XFL
players and Vince McMahon:� I smell
restraining orders.� Lots of �em.
158.
You
know you�ve been way too much into New York Times crossword puzzles when you
know many of the constructors by name and each of their styles, like I do.
159.
My
wrist is getting tired typing these.� I
should stop now.� Actually, not
really.� I don�t want to stop.� I�m on a roll. �I don�t care if I get freaking carpal tunnel from this.� I wanna keep typing.
160.
Okay.� Now my wrist is starting to feel numb.� I should really not keep doing this.
� Ah, who cares?� Let�s keep going.
161.
Companies
should put V-8 engines on riding lawn mowers.�
You know how much faster you�d get the lawn done? Wow!� A freaking lawnmower going 0-30 in 3.4
seconds� let�s see your neighbors do that.
162.
Regular men have their feet and hands fall
asleep, but impotent men have� well, you know where I�m going with this
one.
163.
You
know a really frustrating feeling?� It�s
when you know you�re gonna sneeze, you can feel the nerve endings tickle inside
your nose, but you get absolutely nothing.
164.
Potatoes
would make really good mothers because they do have eyes in the back of
their heads.
165.
Completely
ignore thought number 85.� Just freaking
ignore it.
166.
Why
don�t automakers make side view mirrors so that objects in it are
as close as they appear?
167.
Why
do the French thumb their noses at the US?�
We�re the ones who saved their sorry behinds from
destruction in World War II.
168.
Why
do we need a day, overcommercialized still, to emphasize love?� Shouldn�t that happen all year round?
169.
What
is the United States doing thinking that they are the police force of the
world?� Isn�t that Interpol�s job?� Besides, Interpol is headquartered in Paris,
France.
170.
Pete
Townshend is a musical genius.� Tommy
and Quadrophenia were works of amazing brilliance.� You�d be hard pressed to find a better
singer/songwriter than Pete Townshend.
171.
Most
foot-long hot dogs are not twelve inches long.�
Go figure.
172.
I
challenge any comedian to use the word �penis� in a wholesome joke.
173.
Most
useful ways to use duct tape: taping Rush Limbaugh�s mouth shut and taping the
rope to his chair.
174.
Here�s
a good way to cut down on federal holidays: combine Memorial Day and Veterans�
Day.� They�re essentially the same
thing.
175.
If
time is relative, then how can people say that their timepieces are �slow� or
�fast�?� There�s no fixed time.
176.
It�s
not �chaise lounge�.� It�s
�chaise longue�.� It�s supposed
to mean �long chair�, not �lounge chair.�
177.
If
we had wanted to separate ourselves from Revolutionary War Britain, then why
were so many Eastern towns named after United Kingdom towns and monarchs?
178.
One
thing I can�t figure out about the human body.�
Why is it that you are least hungry when you�re sick, yet when you�re
sick, that is the time that you need food most?
179.
When
someone tells you to �stick a fork in it�, shouldn�t that mean �eat the
food�?� It would really hurt if you
stuck a fork in your mouth to shut up.
180.
What
would you thing if a man�s wife�s ex-husband came to the man�s wedding
reception?� Pretty extreme, right?� Well, at Eric Clapton�s wedding with Patti
Boyd, her ex-husband, George Harrison, was actually in the wedding band, with
Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr.
181.
Do
you really think that it�s tasteful or appropriate that couples are
broadcasting their sexual problems to nationwide audiences in Viagra
commercials?
182.
Wow.� MC Hammer stole the beat from Rick James�
�Superfreak� to manufacture his �U Can�t Touch This�.� The amazing thing is, Hammer had a much bigger hit with it.� That tells you something�
183.
If
you�re only moderately happy, can you say that you�re on �cloud five�?
184.
Doesn�t
it bother you that there are products that hide stains on smokers� teeth?� That just provides them with another excuse.
185.
I
wonder how many people have actually �sent in for a free game piece�
from an �under the cap� game.
186.
What�s
with the comma in the title of the Rolling Stones song �Paint It, Black�?
187.
It�s
a sacrilege when boy bands release Christmas albums.
188.
A
highly unlikely sight: a Beastie Boys love song album.
189.
Michael
Jackson sung �Black or White� just to cover for himself because he didn�t know
which one he was.
190.
Interestingly
enough, Elvis Presley was Michael Jackson�s father-in-law.
191.
For
all those who doubt Elvis Presley�s death, why don�t there be an exhumation of
his body just to prove it once and for all?
192.
Does
anybody realize that the phrase �SAT test� is redundant?
193.
�Rock
and Roll Part II (The Hey Song)� by Gary Glitter is the most widely played
stadium rock song in sports arenas.�
It�s also the most annoying.
194.
Stupid
business venture: outdoor swimming pool company in Alaska.
195.
The
only person who loves Barbra Streisand more than her husband is Barbra
Streisand.� (I know, that�s mean.)
196.
With
all of the plastic surgery that Cher has been getting, how often do you think
that she would have to get a new driver�s license photo ID?
197.
You
know you have a problem when you�re older than your father-in-law.
198.
Has
anybody told NBA players that they don�t get style points for slam dunks?
199.
Did
you ever notice that MacGyver always has the right equipment nearby to
solve a problem?
200.
Okay.� I know you�re thinking that I would put some
monumental thought for number 200.�
Nope.� This is it.
201.
Don�t
you just hate it when you�re watching TV, a phone rings on the show, and you�re
not sure whether it�s yours or the TV show�s phone?
202.
You�d
think that TV networks can actually think of original names for sitcoms instead
of naming them after their stars.
203.
Modern-day
slang phrase for �stupid�: �one microchip short of a circuit.�
204.
Weathermen
are scientific soothsayers who keep their jobs even when they�re right not half
the time.
205.
Did
schools of the 1970s and 1980s really think that a �duck and cover� would
protect them from nuclear attacks, fallout, or debris?
206.
Why
is the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee broadcast on ESPN?
207.
Coughing
into your hand is just as unsanitary as not covering your mouth at all.� If your germs don�t get into the air,
they�ll get onto whatever your hand touches after you cough.� Using your shirt is better.
208.
Whenever
you get a haircut, everybody compliments you.� Why?� They should actually
compliment your hairdresser.
209.
I
hope that sergeants didn�t participate in �Take Your Daughter To Work Day� during
Desert Storm.
210.
It
irks me when people ask, �Do you speak any languages?�� Of course I do, stupid.� English.
211.
There
are so many dialects of American English that they themselves should be
considered different branches of the language, even perhaps separate languages.
212.
It�s
the worst feeling when you�re on a team that wins a championship and you don�t
feel like you deserve any part of it because you seldom contributed
significantly to the team�s success.
213.
Miniature
golf should be a high school varsity sport.
214.
It�s
a desperate feeling when you�re trying to remember something and cannot write
it down for a long period of time.
215.
Did
you ever notice how many earlier rock-�n�-roll songs can easily be arranged for
orchestra?
216.
Dennis
Rodman would fit really well in a circus sideshow.
217.
It
would be really interesting to reenact Hannibal�s crossing the Alps with his
herd of elephants, on location.
218.
If
Dennis Rodman�s life story were filmed as a movie, who would play the title
role?
219.
�A
Whiter Shade of Pale� by Procol Harum has to be the most underrated 1960s song
of them all.� It�s one those songs that
few know by the title but everyone knows by hearing.
220.
If
polls have an �equal sampling� of American people, then how come some always
lean toward a specific side?
221.
Why
are there links on the left side of Rush Limbaugh�s website?
222.
How
come you never see truckers getting pulled over for speeding?
223.
Why
do big rigs have rearview mirrors in the cabs?
224.
People
always call black a color.� It�s
actually the complete absence of color.
225.
Why
do people use tradition as a justification for making an argument?� Just because something is traditional, it
doesn�t mean that it�s right.
226.
If
it�s not okay to wear pentagrams in schools because they�re offensive, then how
can one wear a crucifix, because it�s offensive to Satanists?
227.
What
does �PU� stand for?
228.
They
banned the Kingsmen�s �Louie, Louie�, a Jamaican ballad about a lovelorn
sailor, from the radio because they didn�t understand it.� How come they didn�t ban Jethro Tull�s
�Aqualung�, a clearly-sung song about an old, ugly pedophile with a lung
disease?
229.
How
do they get trucks across bridges when the trucks are too heavy to be allowed
on them?
230.
Do
people think that yelling �Stop!�
Thief!� would actually stop a thief?
231.
How
come emission inspection workers don�t wear face masks?
232.
Dividing
by zero sure as heck can be done.�
There�s no law against it.�
It equals infinity or, if zero is doing the dividing, one.
233.
What
would one ever do with the �SysRq� button on a computer keyboard?� Most don�t even know what it does.
234.
How
embarrassing must it be to buy condoms in a supermarket?
235.
What
would �Stairway to Heaven� sound like if Bob Dylan were singing lead?
236.
In
Lenox, Massachusetts, there is a hunting club adjacent to a wildlife
preserve.� (I�m serious!)� There�s an interesting juxtaposition.
237.
Everybody can be a good dancer if he or she just
relaxes.� Unfortunately, some apply that
rule to singing also.
238.
I�m
noticing that even random thoughts are carefully selected here.
239.
There
should be an organization to cure shopaholics in denial.� They need serious help.
240.
What�s
so wrong about skateboarding and roller-skating that police have to �take
notice�?
241.
It�s
very annoying when drivers tap their feet on brakes to the beat of a radio
song.� I really don�t feel like lurching
forward in my seat on every drumbeat.
242.
It�s
amazing how they get every single car into a showroom without damage.
243.
What�s
the purpose of kicking the tires of showroom vehicles?
244.
Do
you think some radio stations would still play Donovan�s �Mellow Yellow� if
their managers knew that it was about a vibrator?
245.
You
can�t think that the opening lyrics to Manfred Mann�s Earth Band�s �Blinded By
the Light� are sexual.� You�re gravely
confused.� They actually are
�revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night�.
246.
It
wasn�t like Hillary Clinton was the first to be elected senator in a different
state rather than in her birth state.�
Abraham Lincoln was born in Kentucky and was elected senator in
Illinois.
247.
The
singing voice of the lead singer of Creed, Scott Stapp, is a hybrid of Cher�s
voice and a seal�s.
248.
Pick-up
lines have to be the cheesiest, hokiest ways to get attention.
249.
Yes,
the Presidents of the United States of America recorded �Cleveland Rocks� for
the Drew Carey Show, and Ian Hunter had done a version of it, but does anyone
know what band did it originally?�
I do.
250.
There
are godparents and godchildren, but you�d think that there would be godsisters
and godbrothers, i.e. biological children of one�s godparents.� Why not?�
What about godaunts and goduncles?
251.
Isn�t
�recorded live� an oxymoron?
252.
Ever
wonder how popcorn kernels pop out into that shape under microwave heat?
253.
You
know that two-minute segment at the end of every �Jerry Springer Show� where
Jerry tries to be serious and make a deep point?� There�s never a drop of profundity in any of those speeches.
254.
Whatever
happened to that �educational television� requirement put through by Clinton
that made every network to produce at least a couple hours of
edutainment per day?
255.
Why
do some people talk to their pets as if the animals understand every word?
256.
It
must be a great shame to own a New Kids on the Block CD now.
257.
Who
would pay $200,000 for such a bad car as a Rolls Royce?
258.
What�s
up with rappers?� Do they even know how
to spell?� I mean, what�s up with �Boyz
N The Hood� and �Outkast�?��
259.
What�s
up with some teachers who think they�re cops?�
I see little sadistic smiles on their faces whenever they�ve captured a
wrongdoer.
260.
Do
you realize how stupid most rap �songs� would sound if their �lyrics� were
spoken?
261.
Infomercials
serve more often than not as comic relief rather than advertising.
262.
If
gambling is illegal in many states, as Connecticut, then how come off-track
betting facilities in those states are not?
263.
I
think that VCR companies are conspiracies.�
They purposefully make some VCRs to be faulty so they�ll make more money
repairing them.
264.
How
come pasta-dinner pasta is always so freaking good?
265.
You�d
think that we learned after Vietnam not to meddle.� Obviously, that didn�t happen because we had Desert Storm.
266.
Have
you ever tasted earwax?� It�s enough to
kill your appetite for a couple hours.�
It�s gross.
267.
Whenever
a big thunderclap or lightning bolt occurs, someone always says, �Wow!� A thunderstorm!�� Well, thank you, Captain Obvious, you�ve won the freaking grand
prize!
268.
I
hate it when people freak out whenever they go to a drinking fountain and find
something, like a chewed piece of gum, already in the fountain.� Relax.�
You can still drink the water.�
It�s not like the water supply has been permanently polluted.
269.
What�s
up with vegans?� Don�t they know that
they�re depriving themselves of healthy foods and many nutrients?� It�s very unhealthy for them.
270.
Why
is sodomy illegal?� That sounds a lot
like legislating one�s personal life.
271.
People
just should not watch commercials.�
Television ads are going to say nothing but good about the product, so
how are you supposed to believe every one of their statements?
272.
If
most companies want their commercials to command attention, they might actually
want to select decent background music.
273.
I
hate it when people get aggravated at others who use good vocabulary.� It�s their own fault that they don�t know
the words.
274.
Saskatoon,
Saskatchewan: the funnest place name in North America to say.
275.
Where
does the sky end and space begin?
276.
There
are some interstate highways that stay entirely within one state.� Go figure.
277.
What�s
the point of a law banning cellular phone use while driving if it cannot be
enforced effectively?� It�s called
legislation on common sense and it shouldn�t be done.
278.
I�ve
heard of a �real man�.� Now, is that
opposed to a �fake man�?
279.
Why
aren�t speed limit laws federal?�
Wouldn�t it be much easier that way?
280.
What�s
up with Ford�s blaming Firestone for the tire accidents?� It was Ford�s fault in the first place and
they knew it.
281.
�Cease
and desist� is repetitive and redundant.
282.
If
someone asks you, �Can I ask you a question?�, you can�t say no because he�s
already asked you a question.
283.
People
often ask why the whole plane isn�t made out of the stuff the black box is made
from (i.e. stainless steel).� They�re
idiots.� If the entire plane were made
from stainless steel, it wouldn�t get off the ground!
284.
Black
boxes are bright orange.� Go figure.
285.
Isn�t
anything easier said than done?
286.
How
many rhetorical questions have you heard in the past year?
287.
Why
didn�t Superman have a private jet?�
Wouldn�t that make things much easier to him?
288.
If
you stacked all the pennies in the U.S., who cares how high they go?
289.
If
we all knew what was going to happen, why was �Titanic� such a high-grossing
movie?
290.
If
shoes and shirts are required, you don�t have to wear pants.
291.
Why
is it that you duck upon hearing �Heads up!�?
292.
If
homeless people are so concerned about food, then why are they buying so many
cigarettes?
293.
Haven�t
UFOs been identified?� Otherwise, they
wouldn�t even have been seen.
294.
How
do people know when middle age is setting in when they have no idea how long
they will live?
295.
Why
would one call a psychic line to be told something he already knows?
296.
Why
don�t we call it �dyslexia� but spell it �aixelsyd�?� Wouldn�t that be much easier?
297.
Why
is the word �ambulance� printed on an ambulance?� Wouldn�t the loud siren wailing, speeding, and vanlike structure
give it away?
298.
Why
are there anarchy associations and organizations when anarchy is all about not
being organized?
299.
It�s
really no big deal when car companies say that cars are aerodynamically
designed.� If they were not, then they
wouldn�t be able to move.
300.
If
schools are so concerned with the safety of transporting children, then why
don�t school buses have seat belts?
301.
Why
does it seem like athletes never have to go to the bathroom as they�re playing?
302.
If
TV shows like �Baywatch� had wanted to dramatize running scenes, why did they
slow down the running?� Wouldn�t that
dampen the effect?
303.
If
most car crashes are caused by driver error, then they�re pretty much done on
purpose, correct?� So why are they
called �accidents�?
304.
If
TV networks have sufficient technology to tell definitively whether a pitched
ball is in the strike zone, why isn�t it applied in games?
305.
What
kind of idiot needs instructions to use shampoo?
306.
Shouldn�t
the expression be �P�d O� instead of �PO�d�?
307.
Why
aren�t envelope flaps self-adhesive?�
Wouldn�t that be more sanitary than using saliva to seal envelopes?
308.
How
do you go to the bathroom in the woods?�
There are no bathrooms in forests.
309.
Why
do news people and poll services take exit polls on Election Day?� Can�t they wait until the vote ends?� Are they that impatient?
310.
Why
do sports fans yell at TV screens as if athletes could hear them?
311.
Isn�t
�fearing fear itself� kind of counterproductive?
312.
Cars
cannot ever be brand-new at dealerships.�
Someone has to drive it from the factory.
313.
Why
do some cars with European license plates have steering wheels on the left?
314.
What
do we even need pennies for anymore?
315.
Do
triskaidekaphobics look at American flags and shudder because there are
thirteen stripes on each of them?
316.
Closed
captioning can be pretty annoying sometimes, but if you have it on during a
music program, it�s pretty fun to sing along using the captions.
317.
A
triskaidekaphobic baker would never make it in business because he could never
fulfill any request for a baker�s dozen.
318.
Do
bakers think that they�re special, having their own type of dozen?
319.
If
fence makers go on strike, it would be counterproductive.� You can�t say that they�re on the picket
because they�re not working.
320.
Why
do some advocated for saving the trees print pamphlets and fliers?
321.
How
do you think babies feel with all those people standing around them, making
funny faces, and babbling like idiots?
322.
Do
you ever feel like you�ve been brainwashed because you can�t remember what your
life was like when you were very young?
323.
Why
do police officers ask people to say the alphabet backwards during a field
sobriety test?� It�s hard enough to do
it sober.
324.
Isn�t
the hour after eleven and before midnight the twelfth hour?� You�d think that a critical junction, the
�eleventh hour�, would come just before midnight.
325.
Just
how many professional boxing �titles� are there?
326.
Doornails
were never alive in the first place.�
Technically, they can�t be dead.
327.
How
are pies easy?
328.
If
laugh tracks were left out of sitcoms, most watchers wouldn�t know when to
laugh.
329.
Lawyers
practice law and doctors practice medicine.�
You mean, they don�t do it for real?
330.
Apparently,
there is only one way that the cookie can crumble.
331.
Why
are unearned runs charged to a pitcher when the run results from an error on
the pitcher?
332.
If
a baseball pitcher wants to exact revenge on an opposing hitter, why does he
hurt his own team by deliberately hitting the hitter to put him on base?
333.
Shouldn�t
major league baseball dugouts have screens in front of them?� At that level, balls are hit harder and more
dangerously than at any other.
334.
Never
mind a tropical island or the Australian outback, they should set �Survivor� on
the floor of a stock market.
335.
Let�s
hear it for R&B artists who steal Otis Redding songs (i.e. �Respect�),
worsen them, put them in wrong contexts, and have hits with them.
336.
The
XFL: the only league run by a blithering idiot that can claim that its
inaugural season was also its closing season.
337.
You
want comic relief?� Go to a hands-on
hypnotists� convention.
338.
It�s
really funny when you have one of those remote-controlled car trunk openers,
you wait for someone to walk by the car, and then press the button.� Watch the looks on the passersby� faces.
339.
One
big advantage for astronauts in space suits: no static cling.
340.
�Miniature
golf� is not an accurate description of the game.� I don�t know of any actual golf courses where you have to hit it
through a house or under a huge windmill.
341.
What�s
the point of prewashing dishes?� Isn�t
that a dishwasher�s job?
342.
Is
there a search for unintelligent life in the universe?
343.
You
know that no two fingerprints are alike, right?� Well, it�s an eerie coincidence is that the longest word in the
English language that has no repeating letters, as well as UNCOPYRIGHTABLE, is
DERMATOGLYPHICS, the study of fingerprints.
344.
Why
is sliced bread so monumentally great?
345.
If
psychics are as good as they say they are, then wouldn�t they know your
name and birthday?
346.
When
you fall asleep and hear a song in your dream, did you ever notice that the
song is playing on the radio when you wake up?
347.
On
escalators, there is a sign reading �Passengers Only�.� Well, who else do you expect to ride on an
escalator except passengers?
348.
Why
do Pacman and Ms. Pacman look physiologically exactly alike in the video game?
349.
On
computers, why is it that when something goes wrong, and one fix doesn�t work,
the fix is applied over and over again?
350.
When
you call a company�s technical support line, why is it never the company that
is at fault?
351.
Why
do people talk to computers as if they had actual sensory organs?
352.
You
rarely see movie characters pay cab drivers as they leave the taxicabs.
353.
Is
there anyone who goes last who is least?
354.
Why
are there no single A batteries?
355.
Do
some people ever think that �no� means �yes�?
356.
Why
are strip joints called �gentleman�s clubs� if men go there to act like total
jerks and idiots?
357.
�Chopsticks�
is getting really annoying.� No one
should play it anymore.
358.
Plastic
cups are still called glasses.� What�s
up with that?
359.
People
with controversy are said to be in the �eye of the storm�.� Isn�t the eye of the storm where everything
is calm?
360.
Nonstop
flights, per their names, never get down.�
Don�t ever get on one.
361.
The
early bird catches the worm, but haste makes waste?� I�m confused.
362.
Humans
don�t have to worry about foot-and-mouth disease, but the human race is running
rampant with foot-in-mouth disease.
363.
Coolers
only cool food when you put ice in them; they could just as easily be called
�warmers�.� �Insulator� is the proper
term here.
364.
Why
isn�t exciting music ever played in an elevator?
365.
Why
do the long putts go in only when they�re for sevens or higher?
366.
Skylights
are just holes in the ceiling.� They�re
not lights.� Go figure.
367.
What
are you driving through in a drive-thru at a fast-food restaurant?
368.
How
come police officers don�t get a clue when they see a rash of cars with their
brake lights on passing speed traps?
369.
Atheists
cannot be sworn in when giving testimony because they do not believe in God.
370.
If
weather reporters on location report that the area has been evacuated (for a
hurricane, say), then what are the reporters doing there?
371.
Do
people think that pounding the crosswalk button repeatedly will help the
crosswalk light change faster?
372.
Why
do smokers ask you if you mind their smoking only after they have lit
up?
373.
It
shouldn�t be called �common sense� until more people practice it.� It�s not common enough.
374.
It�s
probably true that bad kids don�t have as many kids as good kids do because bad
kids have learned their lessons from their own parents.
375.
If
people are so mean to telemarketers, then how come they are still
recruited?� It�s a wonder so many are
willing to be one.
376.
How
do people admit that they�re pathological liars?� How do you know if they�re lying?
377.
How
can one say that a sleeping person is �out like a light�?� If it�s a light, wouldn�t it be bright?
378.
Even
though it�s a very athletic event, I don�t think figure skating is an actual
sport because its results are based on judges and not on rule-based scoring.
379.
Does
the bumper sticker �Jesus Loves You� apply to agnostics?
380.
Travel
agencies are the only businesses that would benefit from their customers� going
away.
381.
Who
did put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-shu-bop?� That�s a good question.
382.
Since
when is cash cold and hard?� Don�t we
use soft currency, and isn�t it usually kept in our warm pockets?
383.
Why
wouldn�t animal crackers be edible to vegetarians?� They�re made of bread.� Duh�
384.
Isn�t
perfection unattainable?� Then why is it
said that �practice makes perfect�?
385.
Do
amnesiacs remember that they have amnesia?
386.
I
can�t imagine what would happen if hypochondriacs were actually sick.
387.
Where
did anybody get the idea that schizophrenia is equivalent to multiple
personality disorder?� The two are not
even closely related.
388.
Why
do television stations report power outage updates?
389.
Why
do sportscasters almost never say �zero�?�
They say �oh�, �nothing�, or �nil�, but very seldom �zero�.
390.
How
on Earth do modern recording artists get permission to cover songs when they do
such bad jobs of them?� If not, can�t
they get nailed for copyright violation?
391.
Wouldn�t
severe complications result if an acned person were to get chicken pox?
392.
When
a building explodes, it doesn�t �blow up�.�
It blows out.
393.
It�s
a wonder that many little kids don�t grow up to be demolitions experts.
394.
Safety
cards on airplanes say that �if you cannot read this or cannot see well enough
to read this, contact a flight attendant.��
No further comment is needed.
395.
Mattel
should make a �self-esteem Barbie�: not very thin, with fattening food in hand,
looking in a mirror, and still smiling.
396.
I�ll
bet you that not many misanthropes are married.
397.
Why
doesn�t ink dry as fast when a mechanical pen is retracted?� It is just as exposed to the air as when
it�s engaged.
398.
How
would a paranoiac feel if he were put in a funhouse?
399.
Don�t
you hate it when you�re looking up a word in the dictionary but forget which
word you�re looking up?
400.
Why
are comic strips not funny anymore?�
They�re not even worth reading.
401.
When
others tell you to �watch your mouth�, how do they expect you to do that?
402.
Why
do some teachers have to be so obnoxious when reprimanding students?
403.
Why
do teachers get so excited when they�ve caught a student doing something
wrong?� I mean, their eyes light
up!� Do they get a bonus for exceeding
their quota, or something?
404.
What
would a college admissions office do with an application filled out in crayon?
405.
According
to the song �Summer of �69�, Bryan Adams got married then.� One problem, though: he was nine years old
in the summer of 1969.
406.
I thought
that Britney Spears� �Oops� I Did It Again� was the worst pop song ever
made.� I was wrong.� Britney Spears� song on the Pepsi commercial
is the worst pop song ever made.
407.
Do
you remember the Heaven�s Gate cult, which committed mass suicide while wearing
Nikes?� I�m surprised that no other shoe
commercial used that to its company�s advantage.
408.
It
must have been awfully difficult to find an impartial jury to sit in on O.J.
Simpson�s civil trial.
409.
It�s
amazing how they get the piece of paper in the fortune cookie.
410.
Why
do people wonder how clouds stay in the air if water is heavier than air?� You idiots.�
It�s water vapor, a gas, in those clouds.� Water vapor is definitely less dense
than air.
411.
If
it�s raining, why do weathermen bother to relate the fire danger?
412.
Why
can�t hardware stores just measure nails� diameters in millimeters and not
those stupid �d� units?
413.
Why
are all cards called �greeting cards� if most of them aren�t used to say hello
but are used to wish someone a happy special occasion?
414.
If
people include the sentence �This is not a virus� in an e-mail with an
attachment, doesn�t that make you more suspicious?
415.
I
hate it when people can�t tell literal comments from sarcastic ones.
416.
People
are encouraged to �run like the wind�.�
Since when does wind run?
417.
Perhaps
a more appropriate name is *OutFSync.�
That�s what they are.
418.
Did
soda companies switch to metric measurements (liters) and not tell anyone?� Why can�t they just use quarts like the rest
of America?
419.
Does
Italy have a �Little United States� anywhere?�
It would only be fair.
420.
Why
do baseball parks even bother to chalk the coaching boxes when the base coaches
don�t bother to stand in them?
421.
Baseball
is the only sport I know where the manager and coaches wear the uniforms along
with the players.
422.
If
assembly instructions are printed in several different languages, then why are
the buttons and dials on the assembled machines only labeled in English?
423.
I
don�t see why vacuum cleaners use tornadoes as symbols in their
advertisements.� Tornadoes suck debris
off the ground, but they put the debris down somewhere else.� Is that the image they really want?
424.
�Fast
food restaurant� is an oxymoron.� They
don�t serve you.
425.
How
would �The Wheels on the Bus� sound done by Led Zeppelin?
426.
Since
when are dogs or ducks lucky?
427.
Do
bowlers and golfers really think that leaning one way will make their thrown or
hit balls go the other way?
428.
Why
does Queen keep thinking that they can reunite without Freddie Mercury and
still be a good band?
429.
It
should be called �two-vehicle garage�, not �two-car garage�.� It�s for trucks, too.
430.
Some
commercials say that �the movie is what everyone is talking about!�� That�s not necessarily a good
thing.� Everyone could be saying bad
things about it.
431.
What�s
with the death penalty for killers?� I�m
not really liking this �eye for an eye� business.� If we institute the death penalty, why don�t we just beat up
assaulters, or even rape rapists?� A
better punishment is to sit in jail, living with what they�ve done for the rest
of life.
432.
How
about birth scenes on TV and in movies?�
You see the mother pushing and, all of a sudden, the baby is out, and
it�s fine.� Uh-uh.� That�s not how it works.
433.
If
possession is nine-tenths of the law, what�s the other ten percent?
434.
Is
it only my view, or is the slang term �chick� demeaning?
435.
Some
commercials assure that certain people are not actors.� Who are they fooling?� They�re appearing in the commercial, aren�t
they?� Then they are commercial
actors.
436.
How
are you supposed to �reach out and touch someone� over the phone?
437.
What�s
the point of high disparity in gas prices of gas stations near each other?� How does the gas station with the higher
price get customers during that time?
438.
In
traffic reports, a bad traffic jam is described as a �large bottleneck�.� You�d think that if the bottleneck were wider,
then the cars would travel through easier.
439.
Assuming
that vowels remain, what would Wheel of Fortune contestants do if, after
asking, �Can I buy a vowel?�, Pat Sajak answers, �No, you can�t.� I�m sorry.�?
440.
I
have a perfectly plausible explanation for crop circles: jokers with mowers.
441.
On
late-night talk shows, how come they can�t show the hosts� walking to their
desks?� They always cut to the band
playing while the host is walking over to his desk after the monologue.
442.
Nobody
ever does impressions of George Bush the elder.� Anyone who thinks that he does is doing an impression of Dana
Carvey�s imitating Bush.
443.
Isn�t
it awfully dangerous for college baseball to allow aluminum bats, as hard as
college baseball players can hit them anyway?
444.
On
lawnmowers, it is sometimes written �In U.S.A. unleaded gas only.�� You mean, it�ll work in another country on a
different type of gas?
445.
If
humans are the most intelligent mammals on the face of the Earth, then why do
they waste their resources unlike almost every other animal?
446.
The
true measure of sense of humor is how people laugh at themselves, not
how they laugh at others.
447.
If
patience is a virtue, then not very many computer users must be virtuous in
that respect.
448.
�Gilligan�s
Island� is such a fabricated show.�
Number one, how come the Professor couldn�t fix the boat if he was a
freaking MacGyver of his time with the resourcefulness?� Number two, what�s with the suitcases if
they were only supposed to be gone for three hours?
449.
Why
do stores think that putting signs saying �We had a $___ lottery winner!� would
make people think that their store is some lucky charm?
450.
Some
people don�t understand that �be there at X time� doesn�t mean �leave at X
time� or �leave five minutes before X time.�
451.
Do
you ever notice that oil companies �coincidentally� raise gas prices for
summertime, the season where people drive the most?� Hmm.
452.
Have
you ever actually gone to a rest room to rest?
453.
What
sort of idiot would ride a motorcycle without wearing a helmet?
454.
Casinos
are a win-win situation for a state�s economy.�
Why are they illegal in so many states?
455.
How
can art be titled �Untitled�?� Isn�t
that contradictory?
456.
People
must be really thirsty if ballparks can get away with selling $3 bottles
of water and make a profit from it.
457.
It�s
spelled �sneakers�, not �schneakers�.�
Pronounce it correctly.
458.
Why
are schools promoting abstinence, yet handing out condoms to students?
459.
I�ve
seen the word �millennium� misspelled more often than I have seen it spelled
correctly.
460.
If
abstract art is supposed to be interpreted by the viewers individually, then
why do artists title the works concretely?
461.
Why
do people try to open movie wrappers quickly in movie theatres?� It won�t work.� No matter how daintily you try, the seams� ripping apart will unequivocally
make a sound.� It�s been proven.
462.
Why
do dentists try to hold conversations with you while they�re working on you?
463.
Isn�t
the interjection �Come on, let�s go!� redundant?
464.
Spanish
moss is neither Spanish nor is it moss.�
Go figure.
465.
When
you call a company, why does the person on the line ask, �May I help you?�� Well, why else did you call?
466.
Aren�t
waiters required to be men?� Then why
are they typically called �gar�on�, the French word for �boy�?
467.
Do
you notice how Viagra commercials have nothing to do with Viagra?
468.
Some
people don�t realize that they don�t have to use a fifty-decibel voice when a
whisper would do.
469.
I�d
hate to be Dr. Laura Schlessinger�s husband or child.� Do you realize how often you would be corrected and nagged as a
member of her household?
470.
The
phrase �temper tantrum� is redundant, isn�t it?� ISN�T IT?!
471.
I
really hate when people try to sound intelligent by throwing in sparkling
vocabulary words but do it in totally incorrect usages.
472.
It
irks me when people use the words �smart� and �intelligent�
interchangeably.� They�re quite
different: �smart� means knowing a lot, and �intelligent� means knowing a lot and
knowing how to use knowledge.
473.
People
say, �Speak nothing but good about the dead.��
Why not?� We asperse dead
historical figures all the time.
474.
People
at a funeral say that the deceased �would have wanted this to happen.�� Well, if the dead actually could have
said that he or she wanted it, it wouldn�t be happening because the
person would be alive!
475.
Companies
call small candy bars �fun size� bars.�
That implies that larger candy bars aren�t fun.
476.
All
bathrooms have toilets, but not all bathrooms have baths.� So why aren�t they called �toilet rooms�?
477.
Why
do people always have to say �check� or �testing� when testing a
microphone?� Any random sound will do.
478.
Aren�t
prewashing, prefinishing, and prefiguring just washing, finishing, and
figuring?
479.
Do
you ever think that there are other planets with life who have already found us
as a planet with �intelligent life�?
480.
What�s
the point of naming it the �Miss Universe� contest if only Earthlings can
participate?
481.
Are
not all deals, coupons, and sales offered �for a limited time only�?� They can�t go on forever.
482.
Isn�t
�intelligent life� being generous for us?
483.
Since
when does the word �idea� have an R at the end?
484.
No
matter how quiet you are, you won�t hear a pin drop at all.� You�ll hear a pin hit the floor, though.
485.
Why
do baseball parks call it a �foul pole� if, when the ball hits it, it is a fair
ball?
486.
When
a student comes over to the US as part of a foreign exchange program, nobody
goes to the foreign country from the US.�
Therefore, it�s not really an exchange.
487.
Why
do construction foremen wear shirts and ties to sites if they know that they�re
going to do dirty and sweaty work?
488.
Why
do all frequencies of AM radio stations have to end in zero?� Why do all frequencies of FM stations have
to end in an odd number?
489.
Explicit and graphic both mean �vividly
explained�.� So explicit sex and graphic
violence really aren�t that bad.
490.
How
do members of a suicide pact know that everyone has kept their promises?
491.
Why
do dome advertise their websites with the �http://�
included in the URL when you never have to type that part in anyway?
492.
If
four-leaf clovers are so common, then why are they lucky?
493.
What
other kinds of springs are there besides �natural springs�?
494.
Why
is the interjection �break a leg� meant to be good luck?
495.
If
Bob Dylan had the same talent but a very good singing voice, do you
think that he would have been as successful without the gimmick?
496.
Affirmative
action is a stupid idea because it prioritizes racial equality over
qualification.� If some racial minority
protests, it�s ridiculous, because, mostly, it�s only coincidental when there�s
underrepresentation.
497.
There
should be a diagnosis for the pathological speech tendency to intersperse
randomly the word �like� into sentences.
498.
�Dangling
modifier� sounds like a risqu� term.
499.
That
Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson married is proof positive that love is
blind.
500.
Hey!� I�m halfway to a thousand random thoughts
now!� (here�s where I pause for
reactions)� Okay, nobody cares.� But I�m excited.