diary2

December 19 2003:

School, yea it's crap! .... not invited to anything and being ditched by all...for once it's not brad he's being super great and supportive and understanding and loving and everything i've asked for ....(for all those that know about the situation that happened) ....he's amazing! I can't trust andybody, right now no one cares and no one's talking to me thanx guys!

December 27 2003:

im the most pathetic stupidest person i dont deserve anything i deserve nothing at all. i went through the most difficult time yesterday and i think he's depressed too.... before last night i was ready to kill myself i couldnt take anything anymore i wanted to just burst like a balloon i wanted to forget about everything in my life.... no one gives a shit flora so why do you why do i continue to let myself just carry burdons everyday. last night brad was totally wasted he was losing it he even agreed that i deserved better than wat i got...i was told to not stay with someone you love more to go with the person that loves you more.... i dont even understand wat im writing about im just hoping to get things off my chest. i cant understand anything thats going on right now i feel as tho im a new species and im inside looking out...im so confused im totally derranged at the moment and i never came home last night and i couldnt sleep cos i thought the most horrible thing happened to brad and he called me earlier today and he was like hi when we hung up stupid me had to say "i love you" and he said nothing but bye. so i guess i love him more than he loves me? so do i put him on the shelf til i find someone that loves me more.... i dont get it... i dont want to get it. i wanna dissappear and be a nothing i want no feelings i want...im not sure i have no direction as of now.... im gonna be the most miserable person ever walking the planet.... i wish there was someone that could just hold me and just let me cry and just rock me back and forth and just let me get all out until my eyes have completly dried and swollen shut .... if anyone reads this, watch the movie
SAY ANYTHING
in a nutshell thats my life with brad..... listen to every tsunami bomb song thats my life right there i dont even need to tell it, its all right there. in a bunch of songs and a movie.... who the fuck is crazy enuff to read this stupid shit.
*mua*

December 29 2003:

" run run around the racetrack don't stop don't even look back you gotta leave it all behind.... you say it's an obligation there goes your vacation....they treat you like you're worthless your life has got no purpose you gotta leave it all behind....just say no and dont forget your spine"
that's my song that tells pretty much of it but grrr wat do i do with myself i could have graduated this year, i could have been in college by next september why aren't I doing that i need to get out of this black hole i gotta find some sort of light even if its dull im on my way aren't i.... this family is deterriating.... slowly one by one everyone is parting ways and not saying good bye.... it's better this way? let the youngest one find her own way.....sometimes i wish i was a penguin i would be with my life mate for ...well...life. all we'd do is spit out kids... or a whale lonesome creatures that just swim the seas far and wide everywhere.
this time i can't forget my spine! bye bye
Thanx to everyone who has talked to me i tried feeling better but something's just missing,

December 31 2003:

so after i cried a little on the 29th when i said that up there, i found something i needed to do, to get away, brad called me up and i said, i want to go to niagara falls, so he said sure. 400 dollars in our pockets what better to do something. my brother said do something to keep your mind busy, so i did.... we had so much fun, i made sure i could make the best of it .... even tho the only person i told was my sister no one (i dont think) found out i felt crippled i had to do it, i need some sort of escape route and im glad we did was we did. spontaneous and impulsive i just really needed that. i realized so many horrible things will happen to ppl, everyone's gonna feel like crap. youre prolly wondering, wat about my mom.... wat about her? she's sick of having me around my family was looking a lot of places for me, she saw me take two pairs of shoes....im glad i left i dont need a burden on my back to worry that theyre worrying about me. i feel better now im not sad... i need more adventures in my life!

January 5 2004:

wow a brand new year finally hopefully it'll be better than the last one... i actually have hope for this one... i spent new year's quite well with my boyfriend best kiss ever! mybest friend and her boyfriend and tiny tim! t'was a wonderful eve anyway gotta go muah

January 6 2004:

I'm so tired! i wanna sleep im at school and then right after school i gotta be at work im really drained and really exhausted grrrrr. this freakin girl that i have tosit beside in class now, is so dorkalicious in the worst way that i could mean it. her whole life revolves around watching soaps, and reality tv shows....watta loser! im so bored. we're learning how to make web sites in class.... gaf..... argh i wanna go to sleep!!! i always wonder who reads this.... if you're out there sign my guest book dont be shy! *barf barf*
you know wat i realized when i was on the can last night.... PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES theyre mean and cruel and think that they're so wow and step on the little ppl like me sometimes i wish i was big and stepped all over eeryone...from now on i care about no one.... i ditch all like ive been ditched ppl suck ass!.... either i type it all on this or brad's ear is gonna fall off.... oki dokes im outta here.

February 6 2004:

well today was a good day i went to see brad and we had a great afternoon we're all mushy with eachother like awww *muah muah muah i love you lalalala* it feels nice tho.... i passed all my classes from last semester so good job to me! i think im gonna go finish knitting the scarf i have for brad now... its for valentine's day! yay.... anyway....
later days *muah*

March 2 2004:

yep brad's an asshole yet again just makes me feel like being with me aint that important to me and i dont think i can take anymore of it. claudia's been trying to help me out and shes being great about (spanks dude) but yea i need a real man not a real piss off!

March 20 2004:

Bored SO FRICKEN BORED!!!!!!ack im gonna die i can't take this anymore im gonna go ack! im so flora-gone-mad right now, i cant take this i shoulda gone out but i didnt feel like it then i was gonna go see brad, but he wouldana taken me home until after the stupid game was over and then i was like" well yea your game is most important" its gonna be there til the day he dies hugging him andkeeping him company forever and then i wanted to go out with claudia but she wasnt allowed so i stuck it out at home....basically all week being bored out of my freakin mind...anyway im gonna go now and be pathetcally bored....