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| 09/03/01 - Labor Day. Dan and I were both in the bathroom when I decided to do (ta-dum!) "The Home Pregnancy Test". Pee'd in a cup, stuck the stick in for the requisite time, put the cover on, and laid it flat on the counter, just like it said to do. I proceeded to pick up the instructions to figure out just how the hell to interpret the results, when Dan points out to me the example on the stick itself. Poor guy - he's the first to discover we're pregnant!! I looked at the two little lines in their respective windows in disbelief and went back to the instructions.... We end up going to the drugstore for another test - VERY positive - VERY purple. We celebrate with dim sum!! |
| 09/12/01 - First ultrasound!! My doctor had ordered one to rule out an ectopic pregnancy as I had been spotting for nearly a week, which mysteriously cleared up last night. Went in for my ultrasound at 4:30 PM. The technician, Diana, kindly pointed out the baby's heartbeat. I burst out crying at that point... She sent me home with two pictures and a flower. I'm happy to report that I'm seven weeks along! |
| 09/07/01 - First appointment with my obstetrician, Dr. Eunice Lee. Very nice, personable and YOUNG (looking)! Told her my concerns. In the meantime - MORE blood tests... |
| 09/04/01 - Called my primary physician to request a blood test - one of many, I've come to learn... |
| 09/06/01 - Called my doc for test results (positive!), and to report that I've been spotting (much to my dismay) since Tuesday evening. He referred me to an OB doctor, and got me an appointment the next day... I have been wanting this pregnancy (and dare I say, BABY) for the longest time, and to lose it now would be devastating, even this early along in pregnancy. But if I lose it, please let it be NOW and not later... |
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| The Countdown to... May 1, 2002 "The Day" |
| 09/13/01 - 09/22/01 - In Hawaii.... |
| 09/24/01 - While we were on vacation, someone brought to our attention the play on dates. We found out we were prego on Labor Day, and now we're due on MayDay!! Anyway, it's been uneventful the past couple of weeks, except for a few things. We went on the Kauai Adventure Trek - it's a bike, hike & swim tour. We rode through the Wilcox Tunnel, which was used during the sugar plantation days. Anyway, it's an old UNLIT dirt tunnel where my headlight went out, lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, rode into the side of the tunnel and ATE IT!! Scraped my knees up GOOD. I spotted for a couple of days after that. Dan was ready to take me to the emergency room...after all, this baby (yes, we're calling it "baby") IS community property, as he likes to say. But the spotting cleared up in a few days. Another thing - dreaded morning sickness! It started as soon as we arrived in Honolulu. It came in the afternoon and evenings. Haven't been able to hold down my dinner... |
| 10/05/01 - Brought Dan in to meet Dr. Lee. I was hoping that he'd be able to hear the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler, but she said it was too soon to do at 10 weeks. Another downer - they found blood in my urine - guess I was spotting very, very lightly. But wouldn't you know it - later on in the afternoon, I go to the restroom, wipe myself, and found tinges of pink. I was just about ready to start bawling... |
| 10/16/01 - I'm STILL spotting. I paged (TWICE) Dr. Fiorentino, the doc on call last Saturday to report that I've been spotting in the daytime aside from evenings, and that I've been getting headaches. He tried to reassure me that some bleeding may occur due to growth of the fetus, placenta, and yada, yada, yada. NOTHING he said could console me. He said he would order blood tests to check my progesterone & HCG levels on Monday. I called the office on Monday, and the guy's in surgery!! I tried not to panic, but I had him paged again. I finally got my lab orders yesterday afternoon, and probably to make me feel better, he ordered them STAT, med speak for "RIGHT THIS FREAKING MINUTE!!" I've been pretty depressed since Saturday, and I've been trying to be rational, thinking medically, telling myself, "Hey, the spotting and headaches are due to the increased blood volume to the placenta,and the vessels are small and easily rupture, therefore causing a small amount of bleeding, resulting in the appearance of blood in the vaginal discharge" and on and on and on. Anyway, I have another STAT order for bloodwork tomorrow. Wish me luck... |
| 10/19/01 - I'm losing it - I can already feel it happening. Two days ago, Dr. Fiorentino called to tell me about my HCG levels. He started out by telling me my levels on 9/7 were 12,000, on 9/10 it was 18,900. The numbers weren't doubling like they're supposed to. Then on 10/16 it was 6,000 - I cut him off right there. I knew I was losing it. At the 12th week, it's supposed to drop, but not by that much.. He pretty much tried to tell me that it's not my fault, and what to expect should I elect not to have a D&C. I don't want a D&C. I called back yesterday to find out what my levels were on the 17th - 4,400. I keep hoping he's going to call back and tell me there's been a huge mistake. I've spent the last couple of days crying, calling in sick to work. My parents have been taking turns staying with me while Dan's at work. Dan's been leaving work early to be with me, skipping his basketball game and his Wednesday "errand". My family may be slightly dysfunctional, but when it comes to a crisis, we pull together. This is hard to write, but for some reason, I find it comforting. |
| 10/22/01 - My little angel baby Emily was born into heaven last night about 11:00 PM. She's such a tiny thing, not much bigger than the tip of my pinky to the second knuckle, but she looked so perfectly formed. Big beautiful eyes, formed fingers and toes, and a big smile. I felt like she was smiling at me, telling me everything was alright, that she wasn't in pain. I love you, my angel baby... |
| My husband and I were trying to conceive for a year and a half, when finally... |
| 11/06/01 - This will be my last journal entry. Today was my first day back at work. Thankfully, it was a 4-hour shift doing flu shots. I work as a nurse at the Disneyland Resort - couldn't think of a better place to return to work, surrounded by other nurses at the Happiest Place on Earth. I thought I'd have a hard time getting back into the swing of things, but I need to return to some semblance of normalcy. I'm doing better these days, able to talk of my miscarriage without bursting into tears. I'm not so totally consumed by my loss. Last Thursday was rough, I'll have to say. I went to have some blood drawn to ensure my HCG levels were on the decline, when the M.A. asked me if I thought I was pregnant or if I knew for sure. I choked out, "I was... I lost my baby last week." She excused herself and ran out of the room. I burst out crying. She returned, apologizing, and gave me a hug. She just didn't know how to react. I told her it was OK, that I know she didn't mean any harm. But oh God, that hurt so much. I still have my bouts of crying. I have this tiny, gnawing pain deep in my heart. The nurse in me tells me that I'm fine, physically, but other than that... I just miss my baby so much. |
| My Pregnancy Journal |