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| Emily Reese Carlton Born into Heaven on October 21, 2001 |
| My beautiful little angel baby. I miss you so much. Although I only carried you for three months, that time was long enough to bond with you, to dream, hope, wish and love you. We loved you from the minute the two lines showed up on the home pregnancy test. Our first baby - we so looked forward to having you. So many dreams and plans your Daddy and I had for you. As silly as this may sound, we like to think of the time we spent in Hawaii as your "First Vacation," and planned to bring you back when you were three. I cry at the thought of losing you, holding on to the hope that I'll see you again, that I'll someday hold you in my arms. You were so beautiful when I saw you. Even your Grandma Belen took such happiness in seeing how beautiful you were. Though you were just bigger than an inch, I could still see your beauty, your big eyes, perfect little fingers, and your smile. I like to think that you were smiling at me, as if you were saying, "It's OK, Mommy. It doesn't hurt, I'm alright. Don't worry, I'm in a better place." I so much want to hear you say that. People tell me that I'm young, it wasn't meant to be, something's wrong, we can try again, that we'll have another one - I stop myself from screaming, "I don't want another one, I want THIS one. How DARE you say that to me." All I can do is say, "Yes, I know..." I know these words were spoken with good intent, but oh God, it hurts so much. I sometimes get so angry where I just want to swing a bat at every pregnant person I see. It's not fair, my angel. I find myself reaching down to touch my slightly swelled belly, hoping that this past week was a horrible dream. Your Daddy liked to kiss me there. Every morning after waking up, he would kiss me on the lips, and kiss you through my belly. He still does... I'd like to thank you, my little angel, for giving me a chance to be your Mommy. You let me know that I have the ability to conceive, to carry life and love. I still feel you with me, Emily. Though you're no longer in my womb, you will always be in my heart. I love you, my little angel baby. Your Mommy |
| I've taken great comfort in being surrounded by the love of my family and friends, and also from the experiences of other women who have lost a baby to miscarriage, who were brave enough to post their stories online for others to read. I find myself going back to these sites on a daily basis. Here are their stories, how they coped, and other links I found helpful in dealing with my loss of Emily. |
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| Angel Babies Forever Loved Baby Bunny Memorial Site East Wing Facts About Miscarriage First Person Pregnancy Loss Home Page |
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| In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion. I will use this strength to demand myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing. During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort. I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely. I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence. In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing. Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly. Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me. Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place. Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence. Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss. Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them. I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms. I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me. |
| A Mother's Prayer/Affirmation After Miscarriage by Stacey Dinner-Levin |
| This baby lived too short a time... This baby never drew a breath... When memories of a life are primarily dreams, then grief takes on a new dimension...the pain of not ever knowing. (Frederica Landri) |
| Note: Music playing in the background is Nocturne Op. 9, #2 by Frederic Chopin. While I was pregnant, I used to play this piece as a lullaby for Emily. |
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| Just Those Few Weeks by Susan Erlin |
| For those few weeks - I had you to myself. And that seems too short of time To be changed so profoundly. In those few weeks - I came to know you... And to love you. You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you! Just those few weeks - When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations... A slice of my future simply vanished overnight. Just those few weeks - It wasn't enough time to convince others How special and important you were. How odd, a truly unique person has recently died And no one is mourning the passing. Just a mere few weeks - And no "normal" person would cry all night Over a tiny, unfinished baby, Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day. No one would, so why am I? You were just those few weeks, my little one You darted in and out of my life too quickly. But it seems that's all the time you needed To make my life so much richer - And give me a small glimpse of eternity. |
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| It didn't seem right not to include the journal I kept on my pregnancy with Emily, so here it is... The Countdown |