Last week, I was, foolishly in retrospect, searching the White House Web site for useful information when I instead found myself at the home page of Barney, the presidential Scottie dog (www.whitehouse.gov/barney).
Included are a photo gallery, several short films so awful they’re positively enchanting when viewed intoxicated (you forget to entertain the wrongness of devoting people, resources, perhaps even your tax revenue to such endeavors) and an archive of questions to Barney.
Though sadly the obvious, brief yet pointed "WTF, Barney? WTF?" is not among them, we get all sorts of gems, like Barney telling us tree bark feels, I quote, "Ruff!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HOOO HAAA."
Indeed, like his master, Barney either gets toadies like the White House pastry chef or horticulturist to answer his badly scripted questions for him, or evades them with one-liners, unintelligible non sequiturs (in his case, barks) and spastic self-aggrandizing laughter, in all caps with the abhorrent multiple exclamation points.
Even so, Barney's Web presence could be used much more effectively as a tool of Bush administration PR for grade-schoolers and folks killing time at work:
Q: Shirley in Tucson writes: Barney, I want to aid the tsunami victims, but I want to make sure my check is really going to help them. Can you recommend a good charity?
A: White House Kitchen Mollusk Liaison Todd McTavish: Barney understands your concern–nobody wants his or her hard-earned money going to a bunch of non-natural-disaster-ravaged, poverty-stricken, diseased foreigners of questionable values who just lack the initiative to help themselves. Make your check out to the "RNC Congressional Campaign Fund," we’ll take care of it all! Oh, and using that name for our charitable foundation was Barney’s idea, the precious little scamp–he’s all about anonymous altruism!
Q: Timmy in Cleveland writes: Dear Barney, I’m just a kid, how can I support the troops?
A: Deputy Presidential Cufflink Consultant Dana Rich: Save up your pennies and buy a Barney’s Prayer Squad Support the Troops Bracelet, in no-clash bright blue! Jesus can hear you extra well when you wear one, and all your money goes to help the military industrial complex that supports the troops! And if you see any kids at school NOT wearing one, they are what Barney likes to call "bodies of ambiguous devotions," or "BAD Americans" for short–support the troops extra hard and write back with their names.
Q: Suzie in Shreveport writes: Barney, torture has been in the news a lot lately. Some lawyer even said the stuff at Abu Ghraib wasn't torture because cheerleaders (you know, like your "dad" was–HA HA) make pyramids all the time, and putting a prisoner on a leash is like putting a toddler on a tether. Barney, what’s YOUR definition of "torture?"
A: First Dog Barney: All I know is that calling those brave dogs that set detainees who may have been terrorists cowering before the fangs of freedom "torturers" denigrates the sacrifices they make to protect YOUR way of life, SUZIE. Sniff sniff–I smell a "BAD American!" Or is that just Snausages? Arf! HA HA-HAAACK! Hey who put that pretzel in my food? Evildoers are trying to assassinate me! Suzie, tell your parents to donate to the Republicans! Quick! Arooooo!
Holly Noe’s column runs each Friday. Fetch her at [email protected].