I recently saw a profoundly creepy news report featuring several evangelical Christians airing their merriment at the prospect of cashing in on the "mandate" they believe they delivered President Bush by electing him.
Indeed, now is the perfect time to get cracking on a list of demands, for with Christmas on the horizon, the evangelicals could do with something to distract themselves from the annual reminder that their Savior is sure taking his sweet time in coming back. To that end, here are the top 10 post-election reforms evangelical Christians should place on their collective holiday wish list:
10) Just in case, a permanent Second Coming Radar on all local weather reports, like the one they use to track "Santa's sleigh" on Christmas Eve.
9) A ban on tacky outdoor Christmas decorations-not out of any charitable spirit or renunciation of commercialism, but because if Jesus did come back, all those eight-foot-tall inflatable snowmen making Hitler salutes might scare him away.
8) Boot unseemly seasonal programs off the airways, like the animated "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Not only does it glorify thievery and animal abuse and present Whos who are quite plainly defiling the sanctity of Whoville by living in sin, but the Grinch doesn't even wear pants.
7) Tax deductions for the good Americans who affix those "support the troops" ribbon magnets to their cars. That feeling of smug superiority over the rest of us who by implication wish the troops horrific, painful deaths is beginning to wear off.
6) Even bigger tax deductions for the even better Americans who position their ribbon magnets like schools of Jesus fish.
5) Failure to acknowledge a sneeze with a "bless you" should be sufficient grounds for detention as an enemy combatant. Because really, if you don't say "bless you," strap on some explosives and go join the infidels, my friend, because you're practically one of them already.
4) To reform public schooling, disclaim all instruction as "only theory," go beyond abstinence-only sex education to teach only immaculate conception and as far as the Pledge of Allegiance and "under God" are concerned, students can still choose not to stand and/or recite them, but they'll have to be tied to the flagpole and flogged with reeds by the cool, righteous kids at lunchtime.
3) Thanksgiving with Holly's family: "On the cover of Weekly World News this week, there's a picture of a 'homosexual cross-dressing Sasquatch,'" Holly's mother reports. Her cousin Tyler replies, "Quick, ban their marriage! Homosexual cross-dressing Sasquatch-marriage would be the downfall of our society." And how.
2) Forget the Virgin Mary grilled cheese, bring on the Holy Trinity Pillsbury slice-and-bakes! ("Mom, I don't see anything on these 'Holy Ghost' cookies!" "That's because you're a filthy, sinning heathen, dear!")
1) Signs posted at all shopping mall holiday wonderlands reminding patrons that if they spot any unusually tall, aged elves in Santa's workshop this year, be sure to treat them with the respect one would afford any other honest Christian soul just trying to make ends meet-those fine Bush cabinet resignees have to go somewhere.
Holly Noe's column will return next semester, unless she spots a religious icon in a pastry and cashes in. Write to her at [email protected].