Though the holiday season is one of unmatched whimsy and wonder, it is also one teeming with peril. Fear not, for I have once again compiled a collection of helpful tips for your perusal:
Be wary of potential fire hazards when placing festive adornments, and ensure that your smoke detectors are functional. Though ignoring this advice could mean more delicious holiday fudge for you, is it really worth courting tragedy for?
When preparing tasty treats for holiday frivolity and feasting, be sure to wash your hands frequently. Because simply refraining from touching bodily orifices whilst handling food is just a downright unreasonable proposition.
If you throw any family soirées at venues where children reside, be sure to clean up immediately afterward, lest their innocence be corrupted by exposure to alcohol or tobacco. Give them a few such years before they fulfill what is quite plainly their genetic destiny.
Too much family togetherness can lead to conflict. This year, start a new tradition of volunteering. Though the bickering, criticizing and belittling will likely remain, at least someone might benefit for a change.
The yuletide season is ideally a time for acceptance and respect for one's fellows, regardless of creed, color or class. But, seeing as this is reality, at the very least, take advantage of the once-a-year opportunity to disguise your contempt for those around you as a swig of bad eggnog.
To reinvigorate a sagging charitable spirit, try searching out unique gifts at smaller, unconventional outlets not driven by heartless commercialism. Who on your list wouldn't adore a trifle from The Mollusk Menagerie?
If you do suck it up and brave the bustle of the malls, before sitting on the lap of a bearded, portly old man, make sure he's on the payroll.
Keep in mind the ages of any children on your shopping list. Toys with points or sharp edges should be steered clear of for kids under eight. Wait until they turn nine to give the My First Ice Pick Lobotomy Kit.
Similarly, chemistry sets containing toxic agents should be reserved for those over age 12. With any luck, the globe will still be ripe for domination via an engineered pathogen once your budding mastermind reaches the teen years.
Gift-wrapping may pose suffocation or choking hazards. Keep pets and youngsters secured in their cages while presents are being opened, for life is an infinitely greater gift than anything that comes in a pretty parcel.
Sledding is a splendid way to enjoy enchanting winter weather, but it can put you in jeopardy. Make sure your path is clear of obstructions and not too steep. Better yet, sled on flat planes or ascending inclines. Only squares need gravity to have a good time!
With the increased risk of auto accidents that snowfall brings, keep some basic, easily-accessible emergency supplies in the trunk of your vehicle. Now might be a good time to move that hog-tied hostage and the cooler full of black-market kidneys to an alternate location.
And finally, I ask that you be mindful of those of us who suffer from automatonophobia–watch where you're planting your creepy-ass snowmen.
Holly Noe's column will return next semester. Contrary to popular wisdom, the holiday season did not inspire her name. Guess what did at [email protected] for a chance to win your very own canned holiday ham!
