Afterwards I spoke to several people that told me they had doubted their own salvation. It was something that happened but no one wanted to admit it out loud. My Mom said everyone goes through rough times when they aren�t sure. Things started all over again.
I remember that long weekend as a time of torment, of having the most disturbing thoughts. �See, I told you that you�d never be sure. There�s nothing you can ever do about it. You�ll never again believe that way you once did. You must be baptized again or you�re going straight to Hell. You�re not good enough for God to love you. He said He�d never leave you, where is God now? You�ll never be the same, and you�ll never deserve to go to heaven.� I was afraid to handle scissors, knives or anything sharp because I wanted to cut my wrists. I wanted to jerk out every tooth in my head, because everything tasted funny. Every time I ate, I threw up. I tried to sleep, but sleep wouldn�t come. I couldn�t bear to be around noise and confusion or people. These thoughts just kept repeating over and over in my mind, with no relief, twenty four hours a day. I compulsively read my Bible, but nothing helped, it just confused me more. I forgot everything I�d ever learned about God�s love, Jesus� sacrifice for my soul, and the Holy Spirits� leading.
Still my doubts were with me. I got to the point that I couldn�t eat, couldn�t sleep. I was terrified to go to sleep afraid that if I did, I would die and I would go to Hell. Every time I closed my eyes I would see demons, writhing worms, or skeletons. I spent my nights singing every hymn I could remember the words to, repeating every Bible verse I had ever memorized. Everything I tried to eat tasted like saw dust in my mouth. I was scared to leave the house afraid that I would die in a car accident and go to Hell. I couldn�t concentrate at work and I prayed constantly. Every time it came to the time of invitation at church I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I would hurry down front and pray for God to take the doubts away, but they never left me. It was suggested to me that I read the book of 1 John every day for a month until I had it settled. That just made it worse because I was recognizing all sorts of sins in my life and that book is about sin having no part of God. I remember sitting as stiff and still as a stone one Sunday morning when my Pastor preached a hell-fire and brimstone message. I thought that is where I�m going, but not being able to move. I almost completely shut down and developed a twitch. I felt like my skin was crawling off of my body and my head tingled and constricted with the worst headaches I�ve ever had. Mom finally convinced me to see the doctor. They ran blood tests to make sure that there was nothing physically wrong with me and nothing was. The doctor prescribed an anti-depressant that didn�t help and actually made me have nightmares. So I started taking over-the-counter sleeping pills that helped me to sleep but I felt like I was in a fog. I felt like I was already dead and this was my hell. I kept trying to argue with the voice. My Pastor and a deacon came over one afternoon and talked with me and then we all knelt down and prayed together before they left. It made me feel better and worse at the same time, because they cared enough for me to make the effort, and worse because they had to come at all. Crazy, huh?
One day, at work I kept praying as I tried to work. I realized that I could still function on the outside even as I was being ripped apart inside. Why couldn�t I just snap my fingers once, and be assured that I was God�s property? Sometime during the day I heard a voice tell me (in my head, not audibly), �You love your mother too much. Turn loose of her or I�ll take her from you. Deny Jesus and I�ll leave you alone and your mother will be safe.� I said (mentally), �Take everything from me, but I won�t deny Jesus! He�s all I have and all I want. I can�t give Him up, not even for my Mom.� Almost at once several things happened; my right ear popped loudly, I noticed that my headache was gone, and I started to cry. I felt such a relief and a peace come over me. It didn�t last long......