My real-life example...

Extras...

Dictionaries are crapulous. I was going to use "magnanimity" for this issue's WoW, but check out the definitions that were found...

1. The quality of being magnanimous.
2. A magnanimous act.

Okay, well, this my first article. When I first volunteered to do a guest article for the Rayn Maker in the Five Quarters Crack (or as I refer to it, and will henceforth refer to it in my articles, "The Crack") I wasn't sure what to write. I thought to myself "Should I write a well-written and expressive rant to anger, confuse and/or amuse (or perhaps bemuse) people or should I just write completely random gibberish-type ramblings to make Ryan's writing seem more professional". Luckily I didn't need to write an article for the first article so that gave me over a week's time to think about things to write about in The Crack. Which brings me to this moment... the moment of writing an article for The Crack... I still have no fucking idea what the hell to write about... so I thought I should write an intro first and see where that leads me... it's lead me nowhere... other than to think about camels... bastards like to hump you with their humps and they SPIT!! honestly! They should swallow not spit! ...bastards... but I've already written my fair share of rants about camels... so I think something else would be more appropriate... perhaps at a later date I could post a rant about camels... but for now I should write something new... something fresh... something that reflects the newness and wonderfulness of The Crack... okay maybe I SHOULD write about camels...

Alright alright... it's time to get to it! So here goes! My completely improvised article! I have less than an hour before The Crack gets posted and I don't know what to write! Let's get to it!

... ... ... yeaaaaaah, okay, I can't think of anything... I came up with something but Ryan thought it was stupid... and it was annoying for me to write anyways... so I think I'm going to have to resort to what always happens when I can't think of anything to write... a short story!!!

soooo... There was this little squirrel named Jimmy walking around and he's all happy and cool cuz he can talk and none of the other squirrels can...except for a few others that can...so he's walking around and he meets his chipmunk buddy Trevor and hes like "hey what's up?" and Trevor responds "not too much...just chilling...and stuff..." "cool cool" said Jimmy... so they walk down to the magical stump where all the other talking animals hang out and talk and make fun of the the other animals that can't talk...so when they get there they're greeted by Brenda Bunny, an ermine, and Curious George the monkey. Curious George was jumping up and down and throwing bark and nuts around everywhere and when he spots Jimmy and Trevor he shouts out "hey what's up squirrelly buddies?". Trevor didn't like being called a squirrel so he puffed out his cheeks like the chipmunk that he is and yells back "I'm not a squirrel! I'm a chipmunk! why don't you get that through your furry little brain of yours?!" Trevor was now hopping up and down in a comical fashion and his face was going red, so then Curious George calls back "chill out squirrelly buddy, I'm just a curious little monkey and you look like a squirrel to me so therefore that's what you are!". Trevor infuriated by this remark doesn't notice the banana peel that Curious George throws at him and it lands directly on top of him completely covering him. so Trevor lifts the peel off his head and runs up the tree and tries to attack Curious George but the agile little monkey is quick and swings away into the forest laughing. Trevor climbs down the tree and is frustrated so then Jimmy hands him an acorn and says "yo man don't let Curious G get to you, he's just a foo" so they sit down on the magical stump with Brenda Bunny and munch on some vegetables till night time comes and they go back home to their little burrows. THE EIND!

Alright, well I hope to produce something...different... next week, so if you have any ideas that about things you would like me to write about or even more random animals you want to see stories about, write me an e-mail foos and give me your suggestions! [email protected] That's it! (The first person to e-mail me gets a free cookie!)





Riddle-Pants

Contrary to the title, this article has nothing to do with pants (necessarily). Rather, it is a riddle! *GASP* Who could have guessed that?? Well, actually this article isn't itself a riddle, but instead it contains a riddle... First, some rules:

1. The answer is realistic. This means penguins can't fly, pandas don't speak Japanese, and the plural of sheep is sheep.
2. DO NOT post your answer as a comment, but rather send an email to [email protected]

There is a room. It is impossible to see what is inside this room. This room is completely inaccessible excluding a single closed door. In this room, there are three lightbulbs. These lightbulbs are connected to three switches outside of the room (one lightbulb per switch). You can turn the switches on or off, and when you have done your thing you must enter the room. You may open the door only once, at which point you may not touch the switches anymore. Then you must decide which switch belongs to which lightbulb. How do you do this?





JWAHT WAS DAT?!
Part 1

"JWAHT WAS DAT?!" is a wacky story written purely for your amusement. Due to its size, it will come in a series of parts (number yet to be determined). This is part 1.

It was a quiet day, and everything seemed completely normal. Ok, as normal as things get in the town of Eshinahimy. The sun was giving off nice warm rays, the little people of the town were running around, and the animals in the surrounding farms were aimlessly eating and exchanging opinions about their grass. Soon enough, however, things started to get weird. It all started deep down in the core of the town: Mr. Badger�s Neighbourhood.

This was the busiest place of the entire town, and right in the middle was the most famous store in the area. Penguin Patty Produce, best known by the citizens as "Triple P", was owned and run by a strange little man dubbed Sir Dorito-Freako. Nobody knew his real name except his parents, and they lived in some hick town twenty-three miles south and/or west.

There was no serious competition for Triple P, except for the enormous rival store located directly across the street. These two general stores completely split the town apart. You were either known as a Triple P shopper, or a shopper of its rival store; which, by the way, was named Mange-Moi. Nobody quite understood what the hell it meant, and nobody bothered asking the French owner either.

Mange-Moi was owned by some French dude named Monsieur Gates. The only reason anybody cared about him was because of his leadership role in the Evil Angry Terrorist Mafia of Eshinahimy. EATME was the acronym, and it made people laugh from time to time between the random evil plots subconsciously spread throughout the town.

It was widely known across the town that Gates wanted to put Dorito-Freako out of business. Either that or just completely take him over. It was hard to tell who would win in the end. Would it be Sir Dorito-Freako with his superior knowledge and business expertise� or would it be Mr. Gates and his strange-looking goons that made no more sense than a bum burning thousand dollar bills? Well anyway, Gates always tried various schemes to achieve his goal. This quiet day was no different...





The Answer to Today's Riddle

Just kidding. The real purpose of this article is somewhat complicated... There was going to be some cyclops caterpillar wisdom here, but something bad happened and my brain cells went on vacation. Also, this article brings Issue #2's article count up to nine. Which is groovy.

So I guess there should actually be some content in this jumble of words eh... hmmm. Well, looking out my window I begin to ponder the connection between communication towers and sea-dinosaurs. Upon first glance it appears the two are completely unrelated. Upon thinking about it further, the two remain completely unrelated. That's a brain-teaser for ya right there! Hallucinations like this are best left for professionals - the porcupines.

Would you agree that this article wastes a sufficient amount of space? .. *nods* .. Excellent! I shall take my leave(s). Adios!





Double-O Seven
Casino Royale Movie Review

SPOILER WARNING: Plot information is revealed in this article - continue at your own risk.

Watch out ladies, Mr. Bond is in town - and I'm talking James Bond, not anything denture related. Speaking of silhouettes of naked women, my roommate Patrick noticed that there were none in this movie's cracky credit-display opening. Honestly, what kind of start is that? The lack of a scandelous intro is dishonourable to 007's around the world.

I'll get back to the women in a minute, but first I need to talk about the "bad guys". Sir Evil Eye-Bleeder was the most threatening villain I've ever encountered. His poker face could destroy the galaxy, and his athsma puffer defines power. The cripple proved his dominance by being attacked by one of his angry money customers (who had a machete). Damn, that's some reliable security he has. But have no fear, because Mr. Cripple is an excellent poker player. So fabulous in fact, that Bond (after dramatically losing to him and getting helped back in by a random American agent) ignored his cardiac arrest experience and spanked the fool with a straight flush. Hmm. Oh well, cripple compensates for his lack of balls by torturing those of others! OUCH!

So after the chillaxin boys' night out of playing poker, Bond turns the tables and pulls a monogamous king of hearts on us. Excuse me? James, are you ok? Looks like the playa secret agent is going to let the world down. But no! An unsuspected turn of events! The woman dies and Bond is motivated to rethink the wasting of his life! And so nicely we are lead to the beginning of the next movie.

As for the "royale" components of this movie... I very much enjoyed the silent street-runner guy in the beginning of the movie. That was straight-up cool. I also enjoyed the smooth-talk at the finish and the random memorable lines throughout. There was also the trippy silent street-runner guy. Hmm, said that already. I guess the point is, he was cool. In summary, this Casino was lacking in Royale. It had an excellent beginning and a smooth finish, but the poker tournament wasn't the only thing with a flop. The crippled evil mastermind confused me, but I would give Mr. Bond double "Oh" status for his premier appearance.

Interesting things found in the credits include: "Tall Man", "Ed Plant", a section for "Animals", "Google Inc.", and "Light Dimmer". How sweet is that? "Light Dimmer". I drool at the thought of that profession.





Drivelings of a Disturbed Mind

My face hurts and consequently I have been unable to come up with a decent-sized crack math proof for this issue. So basically, this time around we're giving you quantity instead of quality. That doesn't sound very attractive, but hey, at least the title of this article is appealing. Without further time-wasting-ness, here are some wacky results:

(1):

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(4):

Or, if you're uncomfortable with financial donations, give us something else! We would be very excited to receive questions, comments, or suggestions - unless it's making fun of how I spontaneously refer to myself in the first person plural to make this project sound more legitimate.

FQC is also interested in any short stories or jokes you may know, or groovy upcoming events, or really just anything that could tickle our fancy! That being said, do not misread "fancy" for "fanny" - pornography and spam are unwelcome in the inbox. Also note that emails with attachments will not be opened, so please send text only.

FQC can be reached at [email protected], or you can simply post a comment to this blog! Note that this project will only continue if there is decent interest, so even if it's just a "mep", your comments are very important!