Considering this is the first ever issue of FQC, an introduction would be deemed somewhat appropriate. I wanted to start this project with a bang, so here we go... *BANG*. Hmm. Definitely not as gratifying as anticipated. Something tells me this will spiral to infinity in a flaming mass of elephant tentacles.
Anyway, in the year 461, the 19th of November marks the date that St. Hilarius became Pope. Is that not the most hilarious thing you've ever heard??
On a different note, I'll tell you a bit about this Five Quarters Crack stuff...
FQC is a newspaper-like project, designed with the purpose of being weird. That, and to provide essential life information. Of course I decided to start this project at nearly the worst possible time, as the term is soon coming to a close and stress levels are rising. But alas, I took hold of the opportunity and rode the wings of desire! In conclusion, I hope you take advantage of this nonsense and incorporate it in your daily lives. Also note that you are encouraged to submit (email us) your own insanity stories, with the possibility that they end up mentioned here!
For more information and le stoof, check out the FQC Homepage.
Enjoy!
- Ryan Smith
Those Dastardly Squirrels
The world is a dangerous place. This is something we take for granted. What most of us don't realise, however, is what makes this world such an eerie, untrustworthy planet. So let me tell you. It is the squirrels.
Don't believe me? Consider the following two examples from Imprint, a newspaper from the University of Waterloo.
Example #1: "Has anything bad ever happened to you on Friday the 13th?" "Got attacked by a squirrel hiding in a garbage can."
(Imprint - Friday October 13th, 2006)
By Tiffany Li and Anya Lomako
Aarti Sethi, 3A arts & business
Now that is obviously a very traumatic event! Also notice the evil associated with the squirrel by using the words "attacked" and "hiding". This guy was waiting for the opportunity to strike, which demonstrates intelligence and pure evil.
Example #2:
(Imprint - Friday November 10th, 2006)
Yet another incident of premeditated assault. I mean come on, the squirrel was "watching her"! There's enough evidence in those two words alone to convict the thing, rabies or not. In addition, this squirrel knew it wasn't going to kill Dougherty. That's right, it sacrificed itself for the mental punishment that it knew would follow. You can only die once, but mental torture lasts a lifetime. This fuzzy bastard knew what he was doing.
Thanks to Patrick Haunschmidt for finding and providing the Imprint articles!
A Moon Clear as Rag
You have entered the realm of anagrams!
If you are unaware, an anagram of a word/words is a different mix of the letters. For example, an anagram of tale would be late. If you don't see how that works, you should disown this column immediately.
Rules:
After 4 days, a clue will be posted as a comment to this blog and will also be available here.
The solution will not be revealed until the next FQC issue. Along with the solution, the names of those who submitted the correct answer (if any) will also be posted in chronological order - this is a perfect opportunity to get some bragging rights!
The anagram is: Fear arms at night.
[The solution has 3 words.]
Think you have it figured out? Email your name and guestimation to [email protected].
Logo duck!
Things You May Not Have Known...
As the title neatly puts it, FQC is about to introduce you to some things that may not have been apparent or even plausible until now. Are you ready? Let's shake that thang!
Thing #1
So a few days ago I was chillaxin' in the middle of my room, staring at the digits of Pi that border the ceiling. Following a somewhat detailed examination of the provided digits, I came to some freakishly freaky conclusions. In the first 550ish digits of Pi (that's how many are on the border), one can find all numbers 00, 01, 02, ... 99 except 68, 76, and 77. What does Pi have against these numbers?? Others are repeated many times in that interval! (For example, 62 is in there nine times!) I was thus forced to conclude that...
Thing #2
American Eagle has "naughty" tissue paper. Yeah, you read me correctly. It has tissue paper filled with the word "naughty" from top to bottom, side to side, and in rows fit for an olympic team. Not only that, but American Eagle has only one size of bag. "Big". Implicative much?
They also enjoy playing Beyonc� on the t�l�vision to distract customers, subliminally enouraging their subconscious desires for "naughty" tissue paper.
Thing #3
It's common knowledge that people are laughed at when they mistake February 30th for being a real day. However, these people may actually be smarter than you (in this instance, and most likely in this instance only). There has existed a February 30th - in fact, there were three of them!
Wikipedia says that February 30th existed in Sweden in 1712 due to the plan of switching from the Julian Calendar to our familiar Gregorian Calendar. Also, there existed a 30th of February in the Soviet Union in both 1930 and 1931. This was because of some crack addict introducing a revolutionary calendar where every month equally had 30 days, leaving the 5 or 6 extra days as "monthless holidays".
For those who are entertained by George W. Bush's incompetency, he once mentioned February 30th in a financial report presentation to the media.
WoW
(Word of Week)
You know damn right I just made fun of World of Warcraft and its WoWness! So, time to define this column and its purpose. This is the place where you gain experience in the English language. This is the place you expand your vocabulary. This column, this magical column, is the place where you learn what it means to be human.
So basically... each issue you will discover a potentially new word, followed by its definition, and then a real-life example to complete your understanding.
This issue's word: juggernaut (noun)
Definition:
My real-life example...
Ex)
Extras...
If there was a juggernaut superhero (say, Super-Juggs) its main power would be to step on unsuspecting victims, and zap them with the "juggerbeam" - a subsonic masterpiece that is large, overpowering, and destructive like a football team.
Relative to a wasp, your face is a juggernaut. However, your facial power is lost when he stings you in the eye.
Advice From Your Friendly Neighbourhood Cyclops Caterpillar
Chocolate milk is more deadly than you think. Don't laugh. Chocolate milk is as addictive as those other addictive things. Yknow... like drugs, playboy, smelly markers, or grapes. Maybe even more addictive. Either way, food is expensive. If you don't do your own grocery shopping, you may not notice this (or at least as much as others). So consulting my inner Cyclops Caterpillar, I've come to give some helpful ideas when it comes to saving money.
First, make sure to take advantage of free food. Grocery stores are excellent at providing this - just to clarify, I am not suggesting that you steal things. Grocery stores tend to have little stands with meat on a toothpick, fruit on a toothpick, or little cups of random things. Also, nobody is going to kill you for testing a grape from the bundle to "see if it's worth buying the rest". Outside of the grocery store, there are plenty of food services that offer trials for your benefit. Examples include TCBY and Kernels. I've yet to test exactly how many free samples you can get away with, so if anybody knows please fill me in!
Secondly, watch out for sales. When one of these babies comes around, stock up! Make sure it's something that doesn't expire for an extended period of time, like rice, pasta, cereal, or girlfriends. If you have a freezer, you can take advantage of the insane freezing lifespan powers of meat. (In other words, frozen meat stays ecoli-free longer than unfrozen meat.)
Thirdly, examine the prices. There are wonderous cans of frozen juice concentrate for less than a dollar, pure pasta kicks the ass of cheapness at 79 cents, and rip-off brands (hmm.. "spin-off" is what I meant) are always better priced than the "real thing". Remember also that water is FREE you fools. Don't buy bottled water. Although, selling it to less intelligent individuals is a good idea - especially little kids. There's no law for providing water to minors! (That I know of... if there is, I was just kidding...)
So I guess since this article started with chocolate milk, it should end on the same subject. Uhm. Yeah. CHOCOLATE MILK.
Would Failing Finals Be So Bad?
THEOREM: Failing at the University of Waterloo is a positive thing.
Proof:
(By Crack Math)
Preconditions: You are a student attending UWaterloo. Up is positive, down is negative.
Lemma 1:
Lemma 2:
Lemma 3:
Assume a solution of 0 (failure) is negative (bad).
Let Q represent Quest, and UofW represent UWaterloo. Then Quest for UWaterloo implies Q(UofW).
By Lemma 2, this equals QUofQW.
Now, QU = quest university = application process, and QW = quest waterloo = discovering ABBA. So we now have "application process of discovering ABBA".
Since you failed, Lemma 3 defines you as a failure, and therefore you cannot be successful in discovering ABBA.
Hence, the limit as the application process approaches infinity of Q(UofW) equals 0. This must occur simultaneously with f (LSD) = 1, by Lemma 1.
Since LSD is a drug, if you are "one" who functions with LSD, then you must be high. By our second precondition, you are in a positive region. Thus the limit approaches zero positively.
Contradiction to the assumption.
Therefore failure is positive.
DONE.
Or, if you're uncomfortable with financial donations, give us something else! We would be very excited to receive questions, comments, or suggestions - unless it's making fun of how I spontaneously refer to myself in the first person plural to make this project sound more legitimate.
FQC is also interested in any short stories or jokes you may know, or groovy upcoming events, or really just anything that could tickle our fancy! That being said, do not misread "fancy" for "fanny" - pornography and spam are unwelcome in the inbox. Also note that emails with attachments will not be opened, so please send text only.
FQC can be reached at [email protected], or you can simply post a comment to this blog! Note that this project will only continue if there is decent interest, so even if it's just a "mep", your comments are very important!
Thank y'all, come again!