A Lt Col retired after 25 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old General, a former SAC wing commander, to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The General was in awe of the Lt Col's new gun dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best. Sarge was so smart he would go out into the bush and come back real excited and count on the ground with his paw to tell the hunters how many birds were out there before getting the command to go flush them. The dog did this over and over to the amazement of the General.

The General offered to buy the dog at any price. But the Lt Col declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him. But the General asked over and over until finally, after the General threw a fit like only Generals can, the Lt Col let the General borrow the dog for a couple of weeks.

When the General returend he bourght back the dog ded. Shot clean through. "My God, what happend to ole Sarge?" the Lt Col Asked.

"Had to shoot him," the General replied. "The damn dog was working just fine until one time he came back overly excited, he was pickin' up sticks in his mouth and moving his head all around and then he kept humpin' my leg. Just wouldn't stop, so I had to shoot him."

"You stupid SOB" the Lt Col said to the General. "How dumb can you be...There was nothing wrong with Sarge, he was just trying to tell you that there were more "Fu--n' birds in that bush than you could shake a stick at!"

Air Education and Training Command (AETC): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Air Force Special Operations Command (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and with a promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Air Intelligence Agency (AIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.

Air Force Foreign Technology Center (AFFTC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'

Air Combat Command (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Air Mobility Command (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility. Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

COMMAND POST: What chicken?

TOWER : The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

C-130 CREWMEMBER: Just put it in back and let's go.

C-141 CREWMEMBER: I ordered a Boxed Nasty with turkey, NOT chicken. Besides, where the hell are my condiments?! We ain't taking off 'til I get my condiments!!!

FIGHTER JOCK: Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain't got time for any more questions! B-1 CREW: Missed the whole show-we had an IFE (In Flight Emergency) so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF (Supervisor of Flying).

AWACS CREW: Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we have no confirmation of any chickens in the area at that time. Our ACE advises that such an event is extremely unlikely, in any case.

CHECKMATE: The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will of the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.

CONGRESS: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for F-22s!

Air Force Materiel Command (AFMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment.

AFMC's Chicken Systems Program Office(CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission.

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new gun dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him. Six months later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to Sarge?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," the General replied. A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him "Colonel" ...After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark.

Any attempt to initiate a Joint Armed Services Program is fraught with difficulties that stem from the differences between the services and the way in which they operate. These differences begin with the most fundamental use of language. The Pentagon offered an example of a simple instruction and the variety of interpretations that would arise.

The instruction was to "secure a particular building."

- The Navy's response was to close the windows, check the filing cabinet padlocks, turn off all the lights and lock the doors.

- The Army surrounded the building and prevented anyone from entering or leaving.

- The Marines stormed the building, captured all occupants and laid down a blanket of small-arms fire around the building.

- The Air Force took out a five-year lease on the building with an option to buy.

It's just not right. Thousands of pilots in our very own country are living at or just below the six figure salary line. And if that wasn't bad enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a bonus if they are forced to wait for Congress to pass needed legislation. Congress is just "sitting" on much-needed legislation to increase the pilot bonus (ACP) to $22K per year, and while we wait, our pilots are going without any bonus payments at all!!!

But now you can help. For $423 dollars a week ~ that's less than the price of a 25" television set ~ you can help keep a pilot economically viable during their time of need.

Four hundred twenty three dollars a week may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing in Florida or a Mediteranean cruise.

For you, $423. is nothing more than half a month's rent or mortgage payment. But to a pilot, 423 dollars a week is their God-given right for the hardships of having to fly a sleek fighter or a mission-critical transport plane as opposed to that old commercial airline between LaGuardia and Atlanta.

$423 per week will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the pilot you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks, bonds, 401K, and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow. You'll also get information on how they chose to invest their salary when they eventually separate to take a commercial aviation job.

Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need more funds.

I want to help!! During this time we're waiting for Congress, I would like to sponsor the crew member listed below. I would like to sponsor (circle your selection/s):

Fighter Pilot............................Airlift Pilot (please specify strat or tac air)

Tanker Pilot............................Bomber Pilot

Helicopter Pilot.......................Trainer Pilot

____ Please apply my donation to the pilot most in need.

Please charge the account listed below $423. per week for the duration of the Congressional delay. Please send me a picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings" and a complimentary box lunch to show appreciation for my support.

< > Mastercard......< > Visa ......< > American Express......< > Diner's Club.......< > Discover Card

Account Number:_____________ Expiration Date:__________Signature:________________________

Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or their families in person or by other means including, but not limited to, phone calls, letters, email, or third parties. Contributions made are not tax deductible. In the event pending legislation is not approved by Congress, sponsors agree to a one time administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration costs of this program.