A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'' I said, ``No, sir. I'm too scared.'' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.''" "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."

The Captain called the sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Pvt. Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the motor pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.

Later that day the Captain called the sergeant into his office. "Hey Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful next time?"

"Yes, Sir," answered the sergeant.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Pvt. McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the sergeant calls for his morning formation. "OK, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."

"NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver. So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery." The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!" The private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it. The army general turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts." Finally, the air force general takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane." The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir." The air force general turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took balls.

There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,"Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals" The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck" So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship" The Army guy says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!" The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of an European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-fifties who was a highly decorated colonel in the air force. And next to the colonel sat a young airman fresh out of basic training. As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. As the train exited the tunnel into daylight, the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?" The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?" The colonel, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the airman, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a airman can kiss the back of his hand and smack a colonel in the face!"

There were 2 groups of soldiers waiting on the platform to catch the train, 10 officers and 10 NCO's. The officers all had tickets, but noticed the group of NCO's purchased only one ticket. Curious about what they would do, the officers kept a close eye on the NCO's. A few minutes after boarding the train, the conductor came by to collect the passengers tickets. While he was busy with the other passengers, the group of NCO's got up and jammed into one of the small bathrooms in the car. The conductor came by knocked on the door, "ticket please." The NCO's slid the single ticket under the door and it was collected by the conductor. This made a very positive impression on the officers. They discussed the pros and cons and made up their minds to try the technique on the return trip. The next day the same two groups assembled at the train station. The group of officers brought one ticket and the NCO's didn't buy any. Puzzled by this move, the officers boarded the train and carefully watched the NCO's. The conductor appeared shortly after the start of the trip and the officers jammed into the bathroom. The NCO's headed for the adjoining bathroom. One NCO stopped, knocked on the officers' bathroom and said "ticket please." The NCO took the ticket and joined his comrades in the second bathroom.

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made shortly to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:

Lodging. All personnel are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on TDY. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation. Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fare will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals. Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for personnel traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Personnel are also encouraged to bring their own food on TDY. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous. All personnel are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in our effort to save DoD dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to personnel so that sales may be made as time permits.

Once again, as a result of the reduced funding available in the FY97 and FY98 budgets, we are forced to significantly down-size our forces.

Under the guidelines we have received from HQ, those members over forty years of age will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger, lower paid personnel who represent the future military anyway. Therefore, a program to phase out the older personnel by the end of FY97/98 via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This Program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Personnel who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to cross-train. Personnel being RAPED can request a review of their records prior to termination. This phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All Personnel being RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal to higher headquarters, this phase will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Follow-ups Termination). Under the guidelines to the new policy, a member may only be RAPED once or SCREWED twice, but he/she may be SHAFTED as many times as the military deems appropriate.

Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans any member who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the military.

The military wishes to reassure the younger personnel remaining with the organization that they will continue to receive the best training possible through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The military takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our personnel receive. We have given our personnel more SHIT than any of the other agencies in the Department of Defense. If anyone feels that he or she has not received his or hers fair share of SHIT, please feel free to bring it to your supervisor's attention. He or she has been instructed to ensure that all personnel receive all the SHIT that they can handle. Those personnel who have been RAPED, SCREWED, and SHAFTED, and previously accepted either HERPES or CLAP but now have AIDS aren't eligible for SHIT!