new york, new york

chapter 82

Silence fell around me. CD had played out a while ago but I was too tired to move. My son was getting impatient and kicked around. I knew he had realized my pulse getting thicker and adrenalin running trough my veins. But I had no resource to calm him down. I was somewhere in between worlds.
Part of me had gone back to the days in Finland, when I used to listen Boys in the studio and just dance, improvise moves and improve those into steps, choreographies. Nights when I left the studio past midnight and walked on the empty streets feeling like I was only person awake in a city once felt huge but then seemed like a small village.
Part of me was on the very first days I met AJ and others. Days when I had experienced so much that being invited to home of a multi-famous pop star didn't even shock me. Days when I was more in love with an image than a person itself. Days when I started to see Boys as they really were. Days when everything changed.
And in a real life literally biggest part of me was sitting in front of an open window waiting for a breath of wind to calm me down. I was sweating and being inside that small apartment didn't really help. Summer was all around me and I was stuck there.
I felt like a whale. If someone had asked me two years earlier if I'd be in New York pregnant without the father, I would have laughed. Now I didn't feel like it at all. I have carefully read every detail of scraps Jacob brought me. Oliver didn't want to buy me any papers if they were about Boys, I had to beg him and I hated it. In a way Boys were becoming strangers to me. Like I was going back to the times when I knew just what I found out from different sources, not including them.
Album was great. Familiar but different, combining sound of Boys into latest rhythms in a way that seem irresistible. They would survive. At least musically. Their first single was on the top of all lists and video was played on MTV so much it felt like every time you turned your TV on they were there. And next week they would visit TRL to promote their album. In the beginning of new month. My eight month as a mother. And yet it would be almost two months until he'd be really in my arms.
I petted my tummy and wondered if he'd ever understand. If he'd be sad not knowing who his father was. If he'd be looking just like AJ, if he'd be musically talented, if he'd be� If he'd be eternal memory of AJ. I was lucky I didn't hate his father. But I didn't know if I could live a picture of lost love in front of my eyes every day.
It was lost. I felt more that sorry for AJ and Helen. But me telling that I was pregnant couldn't take away his sorrow over his forfeit child and relationship. And for fact I knew I didn't want anymore fuzz in my life. I just wanted to give birth to a new life and cherish it in my own home country, in peace. With AJ it wouldn't be possible. If they would have failed, then maybe.
But they would survive. They would be great again. And that would seal my destiny.

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I'm way too curious. Tell me what you think.

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