new york, new york

chapter 81

The letter. My post came to me longest way. First it went to my mother and after that came to New York. So it lasted almost two weeks to get a letter that was sent few blocks far from me. Envelope didn't freak me out since it had the same logo as the paper I used to work for. I just thought they wanted to ask me an article or something, even if I had told them that I wouldn't do that anymore.
But letter itself. Well, it was� It was� a surprise. I didn't know what to do so I called Jacob.

He walked around in the room reading it while I tried to find a good position on my bed in the middle of million pillows. After snorting few times he threw letter on my bed where I picked it up.
-So? I asked.
-So what?
-What do you think?
Jacob didn't look at me.
-I don't like the idea.
-Why not? It doesn't really differ from the work I did with the paper.
-It's too risky. You can lose your cover.
-How? If all the mail goes trough Finland? If everything goes trough Finland?
Jacob came and sat on my bed.
-You have to face the facts. You are pregnant and you don't want anyone to know. Your name can be attached to AJ's as you've seen it has been done. I don't want to underestimate your skills as a writer, but a book of your articles?
I sighed. I had been writing columns to that small New Yorker newspaper about being outsider in that city. Now they wanted to combine those to a small book, kind of a survivor's guide to New York. All I would have to do was to write a short preface for the book. That's it. So simple.
-Jacob, it's a good chance for me. Professionally. And also financially. I'm pretty much broke. And it's May. There's at least four months until I can travel home.
-What if? Jacob asked. -What if?
-I don't believe it's gonna happen, I said. -I don't believe they even care. Why should they? I'm not even near to him. I've never written about him. It's all past.
-You're so young, Jacob whispered and touched my tummy. -You have way too strong evidence. It will never be past.
-It didn't happen in Finland, I tried. -They didn't market my book there with the fact that I had been in contact with Boys.
-Just because you weren't there to give statements.
-But I'm not here either!
-How are you gonna say "no comment"? Send e-mail?
I looked Jacob for a long time. So long that he couldn't look me straight into my eyes.
-I need to do this, I said. -And I need your help.
-I don't like about this, Jacob murmured.
-I'm not that important! I'm sick of this hiding.
-At least let me ask Matthew first.
-OK, you ask Matthew. Sure he can know everything that I do.
Jacob looked at me with sad eyes.
-Oh, don't do this to me! I got irritated. -It's my life.
-Not just yours.

That was so low. When you become a mother, every decision you make isn't just about you but also your child. He used the lowest thing trying to change my mind. But I didn't.
Few days later Jacob came back telling that according to Matthew it was pretty safe to allow the publishing but that there was still a risk. I knew that already. More I wanted to know how my Boys were doing.
-They're coming to town next week.
-Because of their new album?
-Yes.
-How are they? I mean I've read some gossips but I guess we both know how much you can rely on those.
-Unfortunately most of those are true this time.
-What happened to Helen?
-Matthew doesn't know. He thinks she lost her baby. Though he doesn't have confirmation about her ever being pregnant.
-You think AJ just dumped her after she miscarried? I asked.
-No. There's more in that. But we just don't know.
I stared the wall for a moment.
-What about the rest? Brian?
-Brian must be the happiest one.
-He should be. He's so sweet. Which brings us to Howie?
-Well, he seems pretty happy too. Alicia had some conflicts with fans while they were in Portugal.
-He wanted to be with her as much as possible before their tour.
-Yes. And I think it was a good thing. Howie's getting a little bit too much of an party animal.
-But he's not AJ, I pointed out.
-No. At least not yet.
I sighed. I didn't want anything bad to happen to them. But me being worried wouldn�t help much. Next target.
-Something happened to Nick. Something during their time in Portugal.
-He slept with her! I enjoyed.
-With who?
-I told you. Right after I saw that video. It's so obvious.
-Who are you talking about?
-That girl on the video. The one Nick has the fling with.
-No, I don't think so. Matthew would have said something. And she's not around.
-Oh. Too bad. I already hoped�
-But he's gone trough something. He's becoming so much more adult after that face of irresponsible youngster.
-I'm sure it's a woman.
-You overestimate your power, Jacob marked. I shook my head and smiled. Some day I would know if I was right. I was sure that woman had stepped into Nick's world. I just hoped it would be easier to him than� Than it was for me and AJ.
-I don't know if I want to hear what you have to say.
-It's not that bad, Jacob comforted. -Unless you want him to be total wreck?
-Jacob! How would you ever think that?
He shrugged. -Some people are like that.
-Like who?
-Well, Kristin.
-What?
-She's making Kevin's life a living hell. They're on a break, but no one knows what that really means. Just that she's been caught with different men during last few weeks and when they flew home after Portugal, she didn't let him to stay at home. So those two abandoned, miserable men shared a flat for few days.
-AJ and Kevin?
-Yeah. But AJ's stable. He's not falling into anything. At least it seems that he's been sober. He hasn't even started to smoke again.
-Amazing.
I felt bad for Kevin. I would have wanted to call him and ask what happened. But even if I would have been able to do that, he wouldn't have told me. We were never that close. Something obviously had happened. Or other Kristin wouldn't have been such a� bitch.
-I also brought some scraps for you, if you want to read those. Matthew has marked facts that are true and� You know.
-What about me? I had to ask. -Am I mentioned?
-Just few times when going over AJ's love life.
I looked at Jacob.
-Do you think they'll survive?
-I think you'd have to listen the new album to know.
Jacob opened the scrapbook and there it was. With no cover, with no names, with no information. Their new album.
I looked up to Jacob and I know there were tears in my eyes.
-Thank you, I said softly. -Thank you.

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