new york, new york

chapter 77

I was sitting in front of the computer. It was unbelievable how hard it was to write those words. I stared screen as long as letters started to jump in my eyes. Tina came to the room.
-Have you done all your packing already? she asked.
-Pretty much, there�s just something left. I�ll pack those in the morning.
-I can�t believe you�re leaving, she sighed. -You�ve been here only for few months but you�ve been such help with kids and this apartment, with everything. I�ll miss you.
I didn�t want to think about missing anyone. Previous two days had been such a tornado in my life. I�d met Sands once more, just earlier that day. And next day I would be on flight AY 1763 from JFK to Helsinki.
-What are you writing? Tina asked.
-Just one e-mail. Or not just any e-mail. Goodbye to someone very special.
-To James?
-Kind of.
I read it trough once more. It was polite, impersonal, even cold. Just telling Howie not to contact me anymore, that I would be going back to Finland next day and would like to start a new life. I knew how it would hurt him to read those words. My heart was crying too. I added �I love you� to the end of it and then sent it.
-I guess I should go to bed, I said. -It�s going to be one busy day tomorrow.
-Yeah. Are you sure you don�t want us come to the airport?
I shook my head. I had figured that it would be easier to leave while Tina was at work and kids at school, just take my bags, cab and drive away.
Nearness of the leaving terrified me. My mom was so happy I was coming back. I wondered if she�d be as happy when she�d hear about my condition. About my baby. Mine. Just mine.
Tina and I hugged.
-I�ll stop by in the morning, she said. -With girls, OK?
-OK. I will miss you.
Tina hugged me once more, then let go and I walked to my own little apartment. Not home anymore.

I couldn't sleep. It wasn't anything new. I listened sounds of New York and tried to imagine quietness I would meet in Finland. I even opened window and inhaled deeply that air. I wanted to take all my memories with me.
Seeing at my packages it looked like I was about to. When I came New York that time I was carrying only two bags. And now I had two - more. Every time I ended buying something that I couldn't just leave behind. And after few years of storing that stuff would end up to flee market. I couldn't even remember what kind of dishes I had back home. It had been almost a year since I'd last had my morning cup of tea from those.
I felt my child going around in my stomach. He must have been as exited as me. It comforted me, knowing that he was awake and over all that he was there. That someone was with me even when I was most lonely.

When Tina and kids came at 8 am, I wasn't up yet. Or never gone to bed. Slowly they came in. Tina was looking serious, Maggie had been crying. Midge just looked at me and climbed to my lap. I held her tightly.
-Maggie here has had some hard time understanding why you're leaving. But this isn't your home and we know that, Tina said. -Somewhere far away are Anna's parents and rest of her family waiting her to come home. Like your father waits for you to come to Boston, you know.
I tried to smile at Maggie who still looked like she was about to burst on tears. I didn't want that, because then I would start to cry also. And if I got started with it, I might not be able to stop.
-It's been really fun living with you. And I'll write. I promise.
-You do? Maggie asked.
-Sure. I'll send you some pictures too. So you can tell your friends that you know someone who lives almost other side of the earth.
-That's nothing, she said. -Lizzie's aunt lives in Calcutta.
-Do they ever meet? I asked.
-Sure. She flies here every Christmas. Will you come every Christmas?
-No, I had to be honest. -I don't think so.
-But you will come. Sometimes.
I couldn't say anything. Midge dug herself deeper to my lap.
-Come on, time to go, you'll be late from school, Tina said. Maggie came to hug me, I kissed her on her forehead.
-It was nice knowing you, ms. Green.
-You as well, Margaret, I said and smiled. For the last memory she wanted me to know that she did know how to act. Midge struggled her way into freedom and stood in front of me. She looked at me with her very wise eyes and I recalled various times I had forgotten that she was only five years old.
-And you, my sweetest little one, I said with faint voice. -When you learn how to write, be sure on practicing it with me, ok?
She nodded. I hugged her tightly, kissed her as well. Tina stood at the door Maggie under her arm.
-I'm not gonna hug you, she said. -I think you understand.
-Yeah. Thank you for everything.
-No, thank you Anna. Thank you.
I looked at her for a moment but then they left. It wasn't even a minute too early because soon I would have started to cry. Then I didn't. Just sighed, looked around like trying to decide what to do first. It was only three hours until departure.

Before I had always been exited about nearness of leaving. You can't describe the feeling you get, sorrow for what you're leaving behind but much greater joy of things ahead. Unknown. That time it wasn't like it. And I hated it. I knew where I was going. I was going home. There was nothing new. Except me. It would be hard to fit back there. I wasn't same as when I left last time. I was bringing all new things with me, one in a concrete way, others in my mind, thoughts, ways to act.
So when middle of the lunchtime cab drove in front of me, I wanted to run away. But I had carried all my bags out and dropped keys to the mailbox. I had closed the doors, there was no way back.

-Going for a vacation? driver asked even if I would have rather just sat there silent.
-Not quite.
-Work?
-No. I'm going home.
I thought that would have shut him up. But no.
-How can someone leave New York City?
Being stack in the middle of the traffic it was easy for me just to laugh.
-I mean I hate this city most of the time, driver continued. �But then again there are moments I wouldn't be anywhere else. And I've tried. I moved to Boston with my first wife. It didn't work out.
-Your marriage?
-Well, that didn't either. Maybe it would have if she'd love this city like me.
-How can you hate and love at the same time?
Driver looked at me trough the mirror.
-I think you know.

I did know. I wanted to hate. I wanted to make it easier. But nothing did. My stomach was going upside down. I was never a big fan of flying. I had visited doctor earlier who had convinced me that it was safe to fly. I would just have to move around as much as possible to avoid any harm. In twelve hours I'd be facing my parents at the airport and they would drive me home. I looked back. Vagabond. That who I had been. But I would have to settle down. Not as much for me as for my becoming child.
Car bounced and a flash of pain went trough me. I tried to catch my breath.
-Ma'am, are you allright? It was just something on the street, I'm sorry but we're kind of in a hurry.
-I'm fine, I said.
-Are you sure? driver asked and turned to see me when he once again stopped for the lights. �You look kind of pale.
-I'm fine. Just drive. I want to get home.
-Home, right. You'll come back here, you know. You can try to stay away, but you'll keep coming back. Looking for something that you can't find anywhere else�
Driver's words blurred in my ears. I stared out, trying to figure where we were, how long it would take to get to the airport. Numbers in the meter told me that we weren't even close. It would cost much more that I could afford but I had decided to leave with dignity.
-Could you please drive faster? I asked and didn't even realize that I discontinued driver's speech about glory of NYC.
-Are you sure you're allright?
-I told you I'm fine.
That must have been when I fainted.

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