new york, new york

chapter 76

It was almost midnight as I walked down the Fifth Avenue paying half of my attention on getting a cab. At the same time calmness of the evening comforted me. I stopped and looked around. City around me was alive. It was more alive than ever. In the nights it turned into something you can't describe. There were lights, noise all around me and I didn't care. People passed me by, stepped aside just a little avoiding bumping into me. And yet I didn't feel threaded like I used to feel when I first came to that city. But it was my home now. My home. And I would have to leave it. Because it wasn't just me. There was someone else. And for the first time in my life I understood what love really meant. There, in the streets of Big Apple, in the middle of the night, when sirens sounded all around me, cabs horned, man played saxophone in the corner, there I learned to know what love was. And I knew I would sacrifice everything for my child. My baby. My unborn little one.

I had to defend my decision whole lot during next few days. I couldn't really explain to Tina why I decided to do it, she thought James was just some average man from Florida. I booked flights back to Finland, I was about to leave April 14th. I hated time after that. Every time I looked around in my little room, my thoughts were in the future. I lost touch with the reality. I got my last few works done. My editor gave me high recommendations, saying that I wouldn't ever have trouble on finding a job, would it be in US or in Finland or where ever I want to go. I looked that paper and counted. Baby would be born in July and I would take care of him as long as I could. Sure, I would write at home but idea of being single mother scared me. What if he would cry all nights? My parents weren't that young anymore, I couldn't bother them every time I wanted to go somewhere. Or even if I would like to sleep more than two hours at the time.

I was again in the middle of something, feeling like I didn't belong. Little by little I started to find things that I hate from New York. I know I did because I wanted my return to Finland be easier.

So what did my mother said? I didn't tell her. That was one more thing Tina got to yell me. I said I would tell them when I go there. Or should I just drop the bomb on the phone? I didn't think so. If my mother was about to get a heart attack, at least I wanted to be there by her side.

Three days before my departure I picked Midge up from her school. Maggie went to some friend of her and we decided to walk since Midge loved parks as much as I did, at least during daytime. She pulled my hand whenever she saw exceptionally cute dog but didn't say much on our way. I'd acquired to enjoy her silence. It was enough when she smiled.

Lost in my thoughts, smelling spring air of New York, I felt how she pulled my hand again. I turned to see her. She pointed a man out to me. He was wearing black suit and bowler, making funny moves on the sand. We stopped to watch him for a while. Suddenly I started to recognize some of man's moves and when he started to make time-steps, I wasn't surprised. But then it hit me. I knew that man. I tried to say to Midge that we should leave, but she just didn't move, just looked at me with a tiny smile. I wondered if she knew, that maybe it was one of those times when destiny takes a place in your life.

Man finished his act and bowed to few applauds. Then he saw me. Slowly he walked on us, he tried to catch his breath, I tried to smile even if I knew that expression on my face was awful.
-Anna? Is that really you?
-Peter.
He stopped in front of me.
-Can I hug you?
I nodded, feeling tears somewhere deep inside, not being able to say anything. I didn't trust my voice. He held me for a long time. Midge watched us, still smiling.
-So how are you? I asked when he finally let go of me.
-The usual. Just visiting mom before returning to the tour.
-Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry I didn't come to San Francisco�
-It's OK, he said. -I heard that you and Oliver broke up. It was too good to be true, anyway.
I laughed a little. Peter glanced at Midge and then me.
-So who's is it?
-Does it show already?
Before knowing I had placed my hands on my tummy. I was wearing lose clothes as Jacob had told me to do. And my pregnancy wasn't really that far. I had stood in front of the mirror trying to decide if I had just gained some weight because lack of exercise or was it really being seen. Smile on Peter's face died.
-I� I meant her, he said and pointed at Midge.
-Oh. Oh, she's just� Fuck. Sorry. This is Midge. She's daughter of Tina, woman that I'm staying at.
-I thought you were in Finland. I wrote to you.
-I haven't got any of your letters. And yes, I'm supposed to be there, to be exact I'm leaving in three days.
He looked at me intensively.
-Is there something you need to tell me?
And without a warning I started to cry. Midge seemed scared, but I just couldn't hold it back. Seeing Peter brought back so many memories I didn't want to think. It had been over a year since I'd seen him last time and there he was, like a flash from my past.

We sat on the bench, me in the middle, Midge in the other end wearing Peter's hat, Peter on my other side holding my hand.
-You can't tell to Oliver, I said.
-What is it? Anna, you know you can trust me. You're my friend.
-But he's your brother.
-I know. But this time you are more important than him. What is it? Are you�?
I sobbed.
-You know that Oliver and I were pretty much serious about our relationship.
-He tries to deny it. But I know he loved you very much. What happened?
-Let's just say that something came between us. And now� I'm pregnant.
-What?
I looked down. I couldn't face him. I couldn't believe I was telling him what I wasn't going to tell to Oliver or AJ.
-I'm pregnant. And it could be Oliver's.
-Are you sure?
-No, I'm not sure. If I were sure, do you think I would still be sitting here? I mean, he would at least ought to know. But now�
-Are you sure it could be Oliver's? How close were you really? Did you ever talk about having kids?
-I guess no. I thought we weren't that far. Until the day we broke up he said he was about to marry me.
-That's when it would have come clear, Peter said like he was speaking his thoughts out loud.
-That he don't want to have children? Great. Just great.
-No, it's not like that. It's� Oliver can't have kids.
-What? You mean� What do you mean?
-I mean he's incapable of having children, Peter explained. -He suffered mumps when he was thirteen and doctors said he wouldn't be fertile anymore.
-Oh shit.
I leaned my head to my hands. First pain went trough me, feeling sorry for Oliver and then relief.
-So� Peter said. -I guess you know now who's the father.

It would have been irony if that had fixed everything. Actually it didn't change anything. I knew that I carried AJ's child. But at the same time I knew that Helen carried his child too and that they were together and that I would be going to Finland in three days and never return to New York, or maybe as occasional tourist.

-You have to come meet them, Peter said when we were walking away from the park. He had gathered his stuff, giving Midge yoyo to play with. I looked as she ran in front of us, showing every new trick she learned.
-You mean Oliver and�?
-My whole family. Even Jennifer is here. It's Charlene's 50th anniversary tomorrow.
-And you suggest I would show up to the party?
-No. I think you should take Midge home to her mother and then come with me to our place. You know, Ricky is there too.
Oh, it would be great to see him. My ultimate favorite gay. He wasn't like Jacob, looking so normal. Ricky was a real lady, something I could never be. He knew all the girly stuff right.
-I don't think it's a good idea. I haven't even called to Oliver since� And I'm just about to leave.
-Don't you think you have to say goodbye? If you go now� Who knows when you're coming back.
He looked at me.
-If you're coming back. And we love you. Above all we do love you. Oliver, he was hurt for a long time. But I think he's got over you. He even showed me some pictures of you last week. You know, he doesn't flee the room when your name is mentioned. And we mention it a lot, believe or not. Mother is so worried about you, she always asks if I've heard anything about you.
-I'm sorry, it's not like I didn't intend to keep in touch with you.
-I know. We're all over the country. How could you know where to find us? Peter said with a silent, friendly voice. -I really think you should come. You owe that to yourself.

When we stood behind Sand's door, I still couldn't believe I had let Peter talk me into that. We had gone back to Tina's, waited for her to come home. I didn't explain anything, just introduced Peter to him. She raised her eyebrows a little and I know she counted one plus one in her head but was for once polite enough not to ask anything.
Peter had called to his mother, telling that he was bringing a surprise with him. When we stood there I wished he had told that it was me. I was afraid of their reaction. I was afraid of seeing Oliver again. When he left, I still loved him. It was different from AJ, it wasn't as passionate, but I had loved him. And seeing Peter after so long time I knew that strong feelings don't just die. They may change, but they're still there.
-Ready? Peter asked smiling. I couldn't do that, I felt awful and wanted to run away but I didn't have guts for it. So I nodded and quickly Peter opened the door.

-Anna! Ricky yelled and ran to hug me. I was relieved because of his action, it gave others time to get them together and really understand it was me. I also hugged Charlene who called me her best birthday present. Woman in her late twenties came to me.
-Hi, I'm Jennifer, I've heard a lot about you. It's nice to meet you.
We shook hands. It didn't feel as official as it sounds. I was glad she didn't try to hug me. Because behind her was Oliver. He was still sitting in his chair, stood up when I went closer.
-Hey, I said, didn't touch him in any ways.
-Hey, he replied and tucked his hands to his pockets. My heart almost melted when I saw him. His green eyes, his hair that looked oh so sexy in the morning after a wild night but right then were gentlemanly smooth, curling just a little bit in back of his neck. And yet I looked him like a big sister to her little brother, heart breaking gorgeous. Little shy one, reserved, but once you got him to smile� I couldn't ever forget that. Even if right then expression on his face was far from smile.
-So� How are you? I forced myself to ask, afraid of the answer he was about to give.
-I guess I'm fine, he said crumpling his face a little. -And you?
I didn't know what to say. -Can we go out?
-You need a cigarette already?
I didn't reply since Oliver's tone of voice was sarcastic and didn't even correct his wrong assume. I had quit smoking around Christmas. And knowing what was inside of me I was so grateful of that. Funny how life works.
-We'll be right back, I said to others when Oliver was half gone.
-I'll make some tea for you, OK? Charlene asked. I nodded. She was just great. I hoped it would work out with Oliver as well.

-Actually there is someone, Oliver said sitting there shivering a little, watching evening fall over the city. -She's Michelle. I met her while we were in San Francisco. Right after you� So I was scared. I thought it couldn't work. But she moved here. I told her I wasn't serious and she said it was OK. But it's getting serious. And I want that. Just that there are some wounds�
-Can you ever understand? I asked softly.
-I've tried, he sighed. -I've tried so hard. And I guess I do, somehow. But it was torrential to understand that you didn't love me like you loved him. And that it didn't really matter. "What if" was all I could think for a long time, but then it got too confusing. What if you haven't ever met him? That I would have been first? What if we'd never met? What if we'd meet some other time? It was just� hell.
-I know. I do that too, I confessed. -And I wish I could give you reasons. But you know I can't. I told you what I knew.
-Yeah. I think I understand something now. I mean, with Michelle it's so different. I like her, very much. But still I find myself thinking about our nights together. Or not the nights, mornings, when you woke up all crusty and how you wanted your first cup of coffee so much� How you used to write late in the evening, I had to come and drag you to bed when you resisted. But it feels like a dream. I walked few times pass that building and I look up and wonder if I really ever lived there. It was just too good to be true.
-We made good memories together.
-We did.
He fells silent and I try to gather my courage. Felt like it had all dropped to my feet.
-Listen, there is something I need to tell you, I finally said.
-I thought so. Why else would you have come?
He turned to see me but I couldn't meet his eyes.
-After what Peter told, this is even harder for me. So I'm just going to say it. I understand if you hate me�
-Just say it.
Oliver's voice was harsh.
-I'm pregnant and it's not your child.
-It couldn't be.
-I know. Peter told me earlier. Why didn't we ever talk about it?
Oliver stood up.
-Are you asking me why I never told you I can't have kids when you're telling that your expecting someone else's baby? Who's is it? Oh, I think I don't need to guess. It's AJ. Or Alex, however you like to call him. Is that why you left me? You had sex with him and God� here I sit babbling about our precious memories while you've been cheating on me. I was nothing more than a cover, right?
-That's not true.
-What is true? What is true in that twisted little world of yours? If love doesn't mean anything to you, then what would?
-This baby. This baby means everything to me. If you sit down I tell you how it went.
-I don't want to sit down! Oliver yelled pacing around.
-I don't tell you anything until you calm down.
He looked at me. -And you're so calm. Like nothing ever touches you!
-Shit! Oliver! You know things touch me. I've just cried so much that I'm tired of tears. You know me! You fucking know me! So just sit down and listen!
I stared at him feeling more furious I had in a long time. He turned away. After two or three minutes he came to sit next to me.
-Tell me. Make me understand.

I told Oliver everything. Going trough those memories once again made me cry. I wanted someone to comfort me desperately but I knew Oliver couldn't be that person. Not then, maybe not ever. I wouldn't even give him a chance to that.
-I intended to leave anyhow, I said. -But now I know it's only right thing to do.
-So this is just another chance for you to say goodbye. You love that, don't you?
-I don't want any more drama in my life. I guess it would have been better just go, just tell Peter to forget he ever saw me.
-Then why didn't you do that?
-I don't know. I felt that I had to do this. I don't know why. But now I've done it. Do you hate me?
Oliver looked at me with those green eyes.
-I couldn't ever hate you. I didn't hate you when you threw me out.
-I know that, I confessed.
-How? I mean I said some ugly things.
-I woke up just before you left. When you kissed me� It was awful. Would've been easier if I'd known you hate me. But then again� maybe I wouldn't be here right now if you hadn't said those words.
-Do you think there's meaning for all of this? Oliver asked. -I mean we suffer so much. And for what? Just to walk away once again?
-I think that in the future when I look back to this moment I'll be happy we did this.
-Yeah, Oliver said. -At least you got to know whose father of your child.
-That too. But something tells me it wasn't as important as seeing you.
-Life's awful, don't you think?
-Sometimes, I replied. -But not right now. Not when you're here.

Oliver took rest of the gang for a walk so I had chance to talk with Charlene in private. We had agreed with him not to tell her. What it would have mattered? Her heart would have broken and I didn't want that. She didn't know whole story and I was too tired to tell that to anyone anymore. I accepted cup of tea she offered with gratitude. I saw her looking at my red eyes, there was no way to hide marks of tears.
-I'm glad you decided to come, Charlene said with a friendly voice.
-So am I, I smiled. -This place still feels like a home.
Charlene looked around. -I've been cleaning like a crazy woman. Why is it such a big deal to have a birthday?
-You've lived trough half of century, I reminded. -It's worth to celebrate.
-I guess, Charlene sighed. -So I heard you're going back to Finland?
-Yep. Just in few days.
-Another change in your life. Do you have any plans for your future? How did your book sell?
-It sold all right. I think I'm going to write something. Don't know what yet. But I'm sure it will come to me soon.
-Are you going to get a job from Finland?
-Not sure.
-I'm sure you have no troubles on finding one with your experience.
I nodded. It felt hard to keep secrets from a woman who I considered at least as my aunt. Tina, she was great, but she was like mad cousin you had to look after. I could have always relied on Charlene.
-I'm sorry how things went, I said quietly.
-I know you are. Too bad you had to leave so quickly then. I wanted to tell you that you're welcome to my house even if you don't go out with my boys.
I looked at her. -Have you met Michelle yet?
-I have, she replied. -Seems to be very nice girl. I wish she'd have little more edge but maybe Oliver is little reserved with her. Who can say what future holds?
-No one, I guess and took another sip of tea. For once I was right.

Next Chapter

I'm way too curious. Tell me what you think.

Menu