new york, new york

chapter 75

Next evening I was again sitting on the sofa. Tina had called me earlier and asked if I could pick girls up and spend some time with them while she had some business to take care of. I promised even if I was scared she would drag home another cans of paint or some new fabric that was �so fabulous I couldn�t resist it when I saw it� but wouldn�t fit to anything in apartment.

Maggie and Midge sat on the floor, their nose stacked to the screen. I didn�t see much but I wasn�t that interested on the show so I flipped trough some magazine while eating another strange sandwich.

Finally quarter past six Tina came home. Kids didn�t even move when she walked in. Tina looked me for a while but didn�t say anything.
-What? I stammered. -Do I have mustard all over my face or why are you staring?
-Kids go to your room, Tina just said. Midge got up as a good girl but Maggie couldn�t give up without a cry.
-Mom! It�s Sesame Street!
-You�ve seen it 52 times. I need to talk with Anna in private.
Maggie didn�t find anything more to argue with and Tina guided them to their room and then came back to me.
-Is something wrong? I asked.
Tina sat next to me and looked with concern in her eyes. I got really worried.
-Anna. Are you sure you�re not pregnant?
I almost choked and then I started to laugh hysterically.
-It�s not something to laugh about, Tina said, obviously being very serious. I calmed myself down.
-Yes, I�m sure. I mean, how could I be? I haven�t had sex since... since James.
-When did you got your last period?
-Around Christmas I think.
-You think?
-I don�t know! I don�t mark down those dates.
-But your not eating pills either?
-No. They didn�t suit me at all.
-Have you had periods while being in New York?
-No.
-Why haven�t you told me?
-I�ve always had irregularity in those. My doctor said that if they�re gone over six months I should go see him. Why�d you assume I�m pregnant?
-You threw up still in January?
I nodded. I had to because I had told about that to Tina, who then said not to worry about it, it was probably stress-related and would pass. As it had done.
-And you�re eating strange foods.
I looked down on my sandwich. Well, I never really liked squash. Until previous week.
-You�ve also gained some weight.
-So? I haven�t been exercising at all in three weeks because of your repairs.
Tina looked me into my eyes and then took something out of her bag.
-Easiest way to find out, right?

I was almost shaking when we stared to the test.
-Can you actually believe that we are looking at this, right after I peed on it? I asked.
-Yes, Tina replied. -I�ve been doing this few times myself.
-Just that in movies it always looks so exiting.
-You�re not exited?
Would�ve been pointless to deny. How could I be pregnant and not know it? Then again, how could you really tell? I had been feeling little odd lately. Not restless like before, something new. If I�d be pregnant, god... Thought hit me.
-Tina? I said with a faint voice.
-Yeah?
-Is it ready soon?
-Should take five minutes or so.
She turned to look at me.
-Girl, why on earth are you so pale?
Then I was really shaking.
-Anna? What�s wrong? I know, this wasn�t what you expected but there are options...
-No. I�m gonna keep it. I mean, if I�m pregnant. There�s just a little problem.
-What?
-I can�t tell who�s the father.
-But you only were with James?
-And Oliver.
I swallowed loudly, trying to keep tears away.
-Oh baby, Tina said and hugged me. -It�s gonna be allright.
I didn�t bother to ask how, �cause I knew Tina couldn�t give me any answers.

-Thank God you�re home, I said and rushed in. Jacob was standing on the door, looking stunned.
-Anna? Is everything OK?
-Don�t act like you wouldn�t know. Tina called you right after I left, right?
-Right. But she didn�t say you�d be so upset. What�s up?
I blew.
-I�m sorry I come like this. But it�s just... Can we sit down?
-Sure. Go to living room. Would you like to have something to drink?
-Bourbon. Oh no! Bring me a coke. No! Can I have glass of water?
-With ice, or is that also NO!?
-Without, please.
Jacob went to kitchen and got me a glass of water. For himself he took some whiskey. He probably knew that there would be some heavy stuff.
-I don�t know what I�m doing here, I said when he had sat opposite me to his perfectly yellow chair.
-Telling secrets to one person you don�t tell those to.
-Whatever it is, I want you to know that you can count on me. One hundred percent.
-I�m not so sure, I sobbed. Way to Jacob had been awful. Everywhere I saw pregnant mothers, women with kids, baby carriages, children who just learned to walk...
-Tina sounded hysterical when she called. Can I tell her you�re here?
I nodded, blowing again. Jacob was kind enough to hand me a box of Kleenexes, he was probably worried I would pick up his precious Persian blanket and blew on that. He just said few words to Tina and concentrated back on me.
-So Anna, what is it?
-I�m pregnant.
-Is that a happy thing?
-I don�t know. I know I never expected this to happen... I thought I would have a husband and a house, I�d be living normal, boring life back in Finland, somewhere close to my parents and all.
-Life works in mysterious ways.
-I guess.
-There are always options...
-Stop saying that! I�m gonna keep it. I couldn�t... I�ve always said I could but now... I just can�t.
-You�re going back to Finland soon? You�ll have your family and friends there supporting you.
-I don�t know about my mother.
-She�ll be shocked at first but will come around. As mothers always.
-Not always, I cried. -But there�s another problem.
-What?
-AJ could be the father.

After that I burst on tears. It was just too much to handle. Jacob held me for a long time, whispering words with no meaning, just comforting me. I leaned to his chest.
-Oh why do you have to be gay? I asked. He barked.
-This is just the time to ask that.
-Sorry. It�s just...
I couldn�t continue.
-Are you gonna tell him? Jacob asked.
-How could I?
-If he�s father of your child.
-If he is, I sighed. -You remember Oliver?
-Oh. Oh, Jacob repeated and stood up. He started to pace and I leaned back. I felt awful. I had cried so much I couldn�t do that anymore. My head felt heavy, my body exhausted, my mind torn apart. I put hands on my tummy.
-This baby that I�m carrying. Either one is father. Now what do I do?

-You can�t be so cruel.
After two hours of conversation I had finally made up my mind.
-I�m not being cruel.
-Even if you don�t want to be with them it doesn�t mean they don�t have a right to know.
-Then tell me! I raised my voice though Jacob had been the nicest man ever. He even cancelled date because of me. -Do you think I could do that to AJ? Right now, when he�s extremely happy with Helen and they are waiting their first child to be born.
-It�s not official yet.
-It may not be on the papers but it�s official enough to me.
-What about Oliver?
-I�d go to him and told that just few weeks after I left you I went back to AJ and now I don�t know if you�re father of my child. Or if he is.
-They deserve to know.
-Jacob, I said calmly. -Listen to me. I�ll go back Finland as soon as I can. I don�t want to be with them. Either of them. I don�t even want AJ back.
-Why not? You were about to marry him.
-That �I�m nothing without you� -thing doesn�t suit me anymore. I couldn�t ever be with him what I�m right now.
-You�re about to be single mother.
-But as you said I have my family and friends back there.
-What about your baby? He doesn�t ever have a father.
-Why do you say that? I can find sweetest man to be his father. And if not, I happen to have big brother who adores kids. He�ll take him where ever kid wants to go where you can�t go with a mother.
-It�s not the same.
-But having father somewhere around the world would be same?
-I�m not saying that.
-Then what are you saying? I asked patiently.
-I�m saying that maybe you need to think about this. Sleep over it, maybe it be different in the morning.
-Maybe. Probably not. But you know why I came to you in the end?
-Because I�m such a great man?
-Partly.
He managed to coax a smile out of me.
-But mainly because I need to know where I stand as former Backstreet�s girl.
-You were never that big of a deal, you know that.
-What if someone finds out that I�m pregnant?
-They wont. Wear loose clothes. There isn�t yet a sight of it.
-There is. You just can�t see.
-So. If you�re leaving in two weeks, no one will ever know.
And that�s how I wanted to keep it.

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