new york, new york

chapter 74

Even if I had questioned Howie’s motives of telling me about engagement, few days later I wasn’t as much depressed as I thought I would have been. MTV went crazy about AJ and Helen. I didn’t. It felt like it didn’t touch me. Not as much as smelling AJ in the street and realizing that it was just some stranger using same cologne as he did. Or waking up in the middle of the night, alone, afraid for a while, not sure where you were. Sounds, lights of New York reminded me of apartment I had spent also many lonely nights but then I had been surrounded with sense of AJ. Or spirit. What ever you want to call it.

What did I do? I worked. It’s not the best medicine but it did OK. In the evenings I was so tired I fell asleep as soon I put my head on the pillow. In spite of my tight schedule I was healthy, I had stopped throwing up and also avoided flue that teased Tina and kids for three weeks. They ran around in the house sneezing when I was painting or doing some other decoration work in the house.
-You are pro. Ever thought about doing this for living? Tina asked few weeks later, when I was almost done.
-Don’t think so. It’s nice, I mean I like it, but in the end I get more satisfied when I write.
-Have you written lately?
I sighed. Since Howie’s visit I hadn’t been able to write. I did what I had to. For work. But it was lousy. I knew that and just waited when they would ask me not to send stories anymore. Anything beyond that I didn’t do. I couldn’t. It was just too much.

But it got easier. Day after day. Sometimes walking home from editorial offices I caught myself thinking if it really was my life. That I hadn’t been accidentally thrown into someone else’s. After a while I forced myself to write. That’s what you do. You sit there and write and after twenty pages of Bs you start to create something. So I got on with my story, very exiting one, when my own life was almost too boring. But NY kept me going so that ground didn’t burn under my feet.

I received e-mails from Howie and sometimes he even sent me a card from places he had visited. Touring was hard for them and they wanted to get to Stockholm to finish their album.
”I have doubts of it all the time”, Howie wrote. ”I mean it’s good, but is it right for us? Right now? All our new songs have gotten a good response from the audience. But ain’t those old when the album comes out? It wont be until May, it feels late but leaves us only month to record songs before we head to Portugal shoot some videos. I miss the sun too. Just have to keep it going.”
I couldn’t reply to him. In the end, I didn’t have anything to say. Was my life that boring? Yeah. Tina was sometimes worried of me and kicked me out to have fun or called Jacob to take me out. I went when I really had to, but I rather stayed at home. Home. That word was haunting me.
It was also coming closer for my time to go back to Finland. I couldn’t think of it as home anymore. Not, because my home is where I lay my hat. As I had told to AJ. Would I have been happy with him touring all over the world? At least I wouldn’t have gotten bored. Or would I?
It wasn’t worth wondering, because he was with Helen. Happily as I read between lines. Kristin and Kevin were another story. Howie was really worried of them. I couldn’t comfort him. No one could. His own relationship with Alicia was well, they met occasionally when being in same city. Alicia was dancer on a tour of English girl band but it was supposed to end soon and then she’d join boys. Howie had already rented apartment from Stockholm so that they could spend time in private.

One night in late March Ben called me.
-Still in town? he asked for the beginning.
-Yeah.
-Leaving soon?
-Not sure.
-Aha. But leaving?
-Definitely.
-OK. Is there anything I can do to make you stay?
-I don’t think so.
-Too bad. I wanted you to work with the festival again.
-I know. You told me that last time we saw.
-Now I’m serious.
-What were you then?
-Now I’m really serious.
-I wish I could help you. But I can’t stay. I have to go to Finland.
-Why? What do you have there?
-I don’t know anymore. But I have to go.
-OK. If things change, give me a call.
-They wont.
-Promise.
-I’ll send you a card from Helsinki.
-We’ll come there in late July.
-Great. See you then.

I know I wasn’t as polite as I should’ve been. In the end Ben and Avi had been very kind to me, letting me use their apartment when I first came to New York. But Ben knew what strings to pull. What did I have in Finland? I didn’t know but I was about to find out.

-I should be able to leave in two weeks, I said to Tina one night while watching TV.
-That’s April, right?
-Yeah.
-Too bad. I’d like to keep you here.
-Sure you would, I grinned. -I painted your house, watch your kids, cook, clean...
-It’s more than that, Anna, and you know it.
-I do. It’s been pleasure living here. At least one place where I don’t get straight into troubles.
-What has happened to you then?
Tina rarely asked me any questions of my past. Must have been because when she asked I gave her one liners as an answer. Jacob said he’d given small brief of me in the beginning but hadn’t told anything personal. What was impersonal?
For once I thought of being honest. Without names of course.
-Well, after I left New York for the first time I toured dance group called Killing Feet. Then I stayed in Florida, by accident. I ran into some guys and moved in to one. I lived there about a month until he kicked me out. Then I moved to his friend. But somehow that first guy, let’s call him James and I had fallen in love. It was one of those on-off-things, if you know what I mean.
Tina nodded. I was sure she knew. Her love life wasn’t very active because of the kids and occasionally she called to her ex-husband hoping that he would be different now. But he never was. Do things really ever change, I got to wonder but then Tina requested me to continue.
-I went back on road with Killing Feet. But it wasn’t same anymore. My visa expired so I flew back to Finland.
-When was this?
-About a year ago.
-OK.
-But I couldn’t stay in Finland either. So I came back here. I went to live to Charlene, mother of a friend. She has two great sons. Younger is gay, but I fell in love with older one. Trough some acquaintances I was living in Upper West Side with him. But then that old love from Florida rushed back into my life. I decided I couldn’t be with either one. So last October I told them both to fuck off.
-Did they?
-For a while at least. James... He came back later but Oliver I haven’t seen since.
-And he lives in New York?
-So does millions of other people.
-What about that... James?
I fell silent for a while. Wound was still sore but didn’t bring tears into my eyes.
-I went for a holiday with his friends. To a small cabin in the middle of nothing and then he showed up.
-Oh no. And you hated him?
-No. I loved him. We got back together and he asked me to marry me. I was crazy enough to say yes.
-Then why are you here now?
-James’ ex-girlfriend was pregnant. And he decided to give her one more try. I said goodbye and went to Finland. I was only coming here to finish my job and then... I have no reason to come back.
-You’ve been trough a lot in two years.
-I guess. Feels lot longer than that.
Game show in telly is ending and we watch audience applauding and credits flashing on the screen.
-You can never really read those, Tina marked. I growled to show agreement.
-Listen, do you have bananas? And peanut butter?
-I think so. Why?
-I just have this sudden urge to have bread with peanut butter and banana.
-Help yourself.
Tina waved to kitchen.
-You want anything?
-Nah.
I went to make myself a sandwich. Pretty odd one, I admit. But still a sandwich. Like life is life. And that doesn’t change. Until in death.

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