new york, new york

chapter 73

Next morning I started to feel stable again. Whole evening I had been in my small apartment shivering. When I heard Tina and kids going out, I rushed to their side to take shower. It didn�t help much, but was better than nothing.
I stared my phone. For two reasons. If I should unplug it. So that none could call me. None. Or if I should call the doctor. Because of my vomiting. It had now happened twice. Nothing like me. Both times I had been exited but I was worried of being sick. I mean, I could have cancer or something. Have I mentioned I have a habit to over react what comes to illness?
But then it rang. Once. Twice. Three times. I jumped up from my bed, hurried to it and unplugged it. Decision made. Good.

In the afternoon I felt strong enough to go see what Tina was up to. Midge was sitting in the kitchen when I went in, after ringing the bell of course.
-Hey sweety, where�s your mother? I went to her and gave her a kiss. She pointed to the bedroom. I went to it and knocked on the door.
-Yeah, come on in.
I opened the door and looked in. Tina was sitting on the bed surrounded by different pieces of paper.
-Oh, you�re working.
-No I�m not! Sit here. When you came here I remembered all the little plans I had for this home. Few of them were done. Most of them weren�t. Some of those I can be proud of. Could you imagine this color to our hall?
She showed me poisoned green piece of wallpaper. I shook my head.
-You see, she laughed. -It�s just that when kids were small, they cost a lot of damage. But Midge is already five years old, I hope she doesn�t just try her new pens on the wall. So I could do some repairs. What do you think?
-It�s a good idea, I said little carefully. -So who�s gonna do it?
-I am! And you, if you want to help.
She looked at me coaxing me into it.
-Maybe, I just said.
-Great! See here I have colors I want for my room. Kids can choose something on their own. I�m sure that Maggie wants everything pink - what is with girl at her age? - and Midge just can�t choose. But what do you think? This one for kitchen?

I sat with Tina at least two hours. I talked her into some things and out of some. She felt like she could do everything on her own. But that wasn�t true. Anyway, that little repairs she was about to do would take at least one month and whole lot of work. But I had promised to help. And I didn�t mind because Tina said I wouldn�t have to pay rent at all. Which was great. My payment had been reduced a little because I wrote fewer stories. But I would still need money, first to get back to Finland and then to start living there. Really living.

MTV was on as I was laying on my floor and browsing some catalogues about painting colors and techniques. Tina had got it bad. On her way from work she went and practically robbed hardware store. At least she managed to find tons of brochures. I made marks, tried to choose pink that Maggie wouldn�t end up hating in few years, read some more and thought about the work I would have to do with it all. After just one day Tina had given up on doing it on her own. Instead she thought I�d do it on my own. I didn�t complain but wondered how far I could get on that project before my time of departure. Then again I didn�t want to think about leaving once more. Someone knocked on my door. I got up from the floor. I was sure it was Midge, she was only one not already yelling something trough the door. But when I opened the door, emotions rushed over me and almost crushed me.

-If I�d known, he said.
-Don�t say that, I argued. -You knew.
-Not that it was this bad.
-Well, then you should have guessed.
I leaned to the wall and tried to catch my breath. Once I saw Howie on my door, I went straight to bathroom and puked. So our happy re-union included him holding back my hair while I had bent over toilet.
-What are you doing there? I asked slowly standing up.
-I came to see you.
-Why?
I ripped some of my clothes to the floor from chair, offered it to Howie and went to bed myself.
-I don�t know.
-Which part of it was so hard to understand? I don�t want to see you again or ever?
-I�m sorry.
-You should be. So, how are you?
He looked at me as trying to find out if I was serious or not. Even I didn�t know.
-Not that good, he finally said. -I guess you�ve heard about Kevin...
-Just some rumors.
-Well, he and Kristin are in deep troubles.
-What really happened?
-You know I�d love to tell, but not this time.
-Howie!
I was offended.
-There are some things even you can�t know, he just said. -Anyway they are still together. Just don�t know for how long.
-You�re having concert tomorrow?
-Yes. I brought you a ticket.
-I won�t use it.
-If I just leave it to you...
-Sure. But I won�t come.
-Whatever. We�ll leave to London day after that.
-I know.
We sat in silence.
-Howie, what is wrong? Why are you here?
He looked me straight into my eyes and got me really scared.
-Is he OK? Does he know you�re here?
-AJ? No. I mean he�s fine but he doesn�t know you�re here. Luckily I convinced Tom not to tell him about seeing you. If you don�t care, why were you there?
-I never said I didn�t care.
-I guess I know that. I just wanted to tell you first.
-Tell me what?
-When we arrive to London, AJ�s and Helen�s engagement will be announced.
-What?!?
-I�m sorry.
-So they�re really happy?
-I don�t know, Howie said. -This wasn�t what either one of them wanted. But after situation with Kevin and Kristin we just need some positive publicity. What could be better than engagement?
-I know thousands of fans who would disagree with that.
-You know what I mean.
-What about the baby?
-That is still secret. As much as it is. Helen just wants to be sure everything�s going fine.
-There�s just one thing I don�t understand.
-What?
-Why did you think hearing this from you would be less painful?
Howie looked at me with understanding eyes and I couldn�t confront it. �Cause I was hurt. Would the pain ever stop? I asked that from Howie.
-I guess you need to forget, he replied.
-Have you any idea how incredibly hard you make it?
-I do. And I�m sorry. I promise this will be last time.
-Thank you.
There was slight knock on the door.
-That�s Tom, Howie said standing up.
-Why him?
-He knows how to hold secrets.
-Yeah. That�s true.
I didn�t stand up, just followed Howie with my eyes.
-Will you still write to me? I heard myself asking. He turned around surprised.
-Do you want me to?
-I don�t know.
He came to me and pet my hair.
-I�ll write. One word and I�ll stop.
-Just you know common things. How you are and stuff like that.
-Will you answer?
I looked up on him. He smiled slightly.
-Goodbye Anna.
I didn�t say anything when he walked out of the door.

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