new york, new york

chapter 72

I spent evenings mostly at home. I went out once with Avi and Ben as they insisted offering me a dinner. How can you resist free food? You should be able to do that. Because there is no such thing as free food. Got it? OK. Good for you. I wish I�d know that at the time.

We went to a restaurant on 5th Avenue. It was a bit fancy, a bit more gay, but I didn�t mind. I�d been in such a weird places I�d got used to so much. It was so good to see Avi and Ben again. It had been ages... Or at least it felt that way. I had seen them occasionally while I stayed in New York, but it had been just passing by in corridors of dance studios. It was nice to sit down and chat. I was little surprised - and worried - that they had brought Jody with them. She had been working on the tap festival last summer. For my relief they didn�t go down on that subject.

-So you heard about Charity getting that job? Jody asked when food was served. I was eating delicious salmon and drinking white wine with it. Magnificent!
-What job? Ben asked.
-You know, the Unplugged thing.
-You mean Backstreet Boys Unplugged? Avi wondered. I almost choked. Suddenly meal wasn�t that good.
-Yeah, just that, Jody replied
-What do they need her for?
-Who is Charity? I had to ask.
-They needed a tap dancer. There was open audition few days ago. She got the job.
-Charity is one of our friends, Ben told me. -She�s just great dancer. You must have seen her somewhere...
-She just got back from London, Jody said. -She was there teaching for one year. She wasn�t last year festival either.
-Oh. OK. So Backstreet Boys Unplugged and a tap dancer?
-It�s unbelievable. How can you tap pop? Jody asked.
-You�ve always been so traditional, Avi commented. -We tap pop in our every class.
-Yeah but that kind of pop.
Jody hummed �I want it that way� and I started to feel both irritated and terrified. Why of all things we had to discuss about Backstreet Boys? Not then, not there, please. But conversation went on.
-Do you think Charity would have taken the job if she didn�t think it was worth it? Ben asked.
-She gets publicity, that�s all. First they do the show, air it. Then probably an album and her sounds get there.
-You know it doesn�t get you that far, Avi reminded. -Who cares of some tap dancer while Backstreet Boys are in the picture?
-Maybe some one does, Jody said. -End of conversation. I don�t want to talk about it.
-You brought it up.
-Well, now I bury it.
At least I was grateful.
-Charity is Jody�s ex-girlfriend, Ben said.
-Like ex-ex-ex, Jody commented. -We used to hang together in our early years.
I scanned Jody. She was about 35 years old. But looked good. Very good.
-Since that she�s got married twice and even made a baby, she added.
-And she�s just 28, Avi said.
-Uh. Don�t remind me. How come we can�t stay young forever?
They got to argue about aging and wisdom that it brings. I stared out of the window. Street was full of people, neon lights, noise. And once again I felt that my time had stopped. I was drowning into AJ�s eyes in my mind.
-Anna, are you ok? Ben asked. -You look kind of pale.
I turned to him and smiled: -Sure. It�s just... Do you know where they keep the concert?
-No. I can ask Jody.
-Oh, no don�t.
Avi and Jody kept arguing. I reached to touch Ben�s hand over the table.
-Don�t worry about me. It�s just starting the job after my time in Finland...
-It must be hard.
-Yeah. It is.
-So how long are you gonna stay this time?
-I�ll go back in March at the latest.
-Too bad. I�d already considered you to work on the festival again.
-Sorry, I said and smiled. -I think you should find someone else. I have to go and find my home again.
-But what if your home is already here? Ben asked.
I didn�t want to think about that. Because it scared me. I liked NY. I really did. But it was a cruel and hectic city. And it wasn�t same if there wasn�t anyone beside you. And right then, I was all alone.

Of course I knew they were in the city. It was just easy to forget. I avoided streets, bars, and other places where I could have run into them. When subject came up in that dinner table, I realized that I couldn�t freak out every time they were mentioned. Or I would have to move to Antarctic. And that probably wouldn�t help.
It was just that after it... I couldn�t forget anymore. I found myself staring at the screen and writing something totally irrelevant because my thoughts were at Tuscaloosa, Florida or even Finland. I couldn�t remember how I was before it all started. I didn�t know what it had done to me. I knew I was still in the middle of the healing process. But didn�t understand how middle.

I justified it well. Naturally, you can easily deceive yourself. I had reasons. None of them made sense so they don�t deserve to come mentioned here. Just that two days later I found myself outside of the studio where Boys were keeping the concert. There were hundreds of girls on the street. I knew I was idiot and that I should turn around right then, it was just a slight chance I would even see them. And so what? I had been telling them to keep out of my life. I was the one not returning Howie�s e-mails. Actually there had been just one e-mail after I�d returned to NY in which Howie renewed his proposition of meeting. I know it would have been polite even answer no, but I couldn�t. I just couldn�t.

You can call it bad luck. At least I do. Before I knew I was in the middle of girls who pushed to one direction. I tried to fight back but there was nothing to do, just follow the crowd. When rhythmic shouts started, I understood what was happening. Without any effort I had spotted the right place and when car drove to the crowd, it passed me quite close and stopped where I could still see it. Kevin got out of it with his guard. Girls pushed me tighter but I had to see him. He looked very tired, very stressed, signed just few autographs and went in. Then car turned and tried to take off. It was slow because girls had got on its way, on the streets. They were everywhere. And the crowd took me. Car came closer to me. And trough tinted windows I saw the driver. It was Tom. For a second we stared each other from eye to eye. Just for a second. I was sure he knew who I was.

After ten of fifteen minutes girls started to give up and I could weave away. My heart was pouncing, it was all just too much. When I got out of the crowd, I started to walk. But just after few meters I started to cry. Then I felt sick. I rushed to the closest garbage can and barfed. So long noodles and wok vegetables. I started to cry. I sat to the ground and just cried. First no one came to me. It�s not that unusual that young woman cries after seeing or not seeing Backstreet Boys. Then I heard young voice above me.
-Here, take this.
Kleenex was given to me. I was too exhausted to even look up, I just mumbled some kind of thank you.
-Is there something I can do? voice asked. I shook my head. It was passing by. It was all just passing by.

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