new york, new york

chapter 64

“I guess you hate me now. If you even opened this e-mail. I hope you did. Everything’s pretty much okay. We’ve been working really hard these few last weeks to earn our Christmas holiday. Still it seems to get shorter every day. Uh, sometimes I wish I would be somewhere else. I guess you do too. How is December in Finland? I guess it’s kind of idyllic. I want to think that way. I want that there’s beauty around you. Our life is so much same old. And every day I miss you. I miss you now more than before. Maybe it’s because I know that you meant what you said about coming back. That you are not coming back. I have to keep reminding me of that fact. And also that I can’t just pick up the phone and call you. So please forgive me sending this e-mail. I know it can’t help. I don’t know what it will do. Sorry, I’m confused. I just wish that you are fine. Or at least all right. I don’t ask you to answer me. Just if you don’t even want me to write to you… Send me blank e-mail. Or block me. Whatever. We love you!”

I shut down the computer and leaned back. I had read Howie’s mail in the worst possible time. I stood up and went in front of the mirror. I stretched my jacket and checked my hair. They were glowing in every possible shade of red after my hairdresser at the previous day. I was going to my first television interview. And last I needed to think was AJ. Or anything of it.

I had been in Finland for nine days. I had been counting those wondering would the pain ever stop. Well, I guess over a week is no time for a pain like mine. Last few days I had been in Helsinki promoting my book. It had been selling quite well, now we just tried to strike to those who still hadn’t bought any presents to their family. Because Christmas was getting closer and closer.

I went down to the lobby and asked if the taxi I called had come. It hadn’t and I was getting worried about being late. You don’t want to be late from television show. So I went already out and cursed the slush that tried to squirm into my shoes. All that came down from heaven was sleet and Howie’s idea of an idyllic little city in a white mantle was just wishful thinking.

I watched scenes passing by as the taxi driver - on my command - accelerated our way to the studios. I reminded myself to be more careful with my e-mail. It didn’t help that boys used various kinds of names to hide their real personalities. And at the same time I realized that Howie hadn’t even mentioned AJ. How was he doing? Was he missing me as much as I longed for him? Or had he done as he should and put all behind. Sometimes late at night I hoped that my phone would ring and he’d ask me to come back. Would I go? I was glad I didn’t have to decide that.

We drove to the yard of the studios. I paid to the driver and rushed in. Producer’s assistant was already waiting for me.
-You can take your jacket with you, just go straight to the make-up.
I followed her trough the long halls of the house, soon losing direction. She kept babbling all the way but I was too nervous to listen.
-So here you go. There’s a list of the questions, there has been some changes after last version. Read it trough and tell me if there’s something you don’t feel comfortable with. Do you want some coffee? I’ll send someone over to bring you that. Have you eaten? You look kind of pale.
I tried to keep up with her speed nodding and shaking my head.
-I’m just little edgy.
-Don’t worry, it’ll be just fine. OK, I’ll pick you up in thirty minutes. If you need anything, just ask.
She went on and I sat down. Gay looking guy came to me.
-So make-up? Good, you haven’t put anything on. So we start with moisturizer. I was thinking brown eye makeup, but as I see your shirt… You are OK with blue? Or actually gray. It’ll be just fine.
I relaxed and tried to read some of the questions while Tim, that’s what he introduced himself, worked on my face.
-I love your freckles. So you’ve been abroad?
-Yeah, in the States, I said at the same time as the coffee was brought to me.
-Oh I love that country! Especially Los Angeles… It’s not that high on fashion but New York is kind of cold place. Have you been to Los Angeles?
-No. I was supposed to go to San Francisco but that got delayed. I spent most of my time in the big apple.
-I heard that you have a job down there?
-I write for this little magazine. It’s not very trendy, but they pay me well. And it gives experience.
-Of course. It’s rare to find that kind of work from there. So many broken dreams in that city too.
-As well as everywhere.
I couldn’t help the bitter sound creeping into my voice but Tim didn’t seem to notice that.
-That’s true. Now lean back, I’ll put you some eyeliner.

Twenty minutes later he was almost done.
-If you want to eat something, do it now. Because next I’ll do your lips and after that you are not allowed to do anything than speak as little as possible!
Tim was professionally proud of his work. And I had to admit he had done miracles. I looked just great. All the marks of sorrow, sadness and weariness had vanished from my face.
-You can do those now, I said. -All I need is few minutes to go to toilet before the show.
-You’ll get that, he promised.

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