new york, new york

chapter 63

I woke up to the sound of a car. We had finally got some sleep, after AJ had packed all his stuff. It felt unbelievable, just to watch him moving away from my life step by step. Because I had been most serious about my decision. When he�d leave, it had to be for good. I didn�t even want to think what others would say. I didn�t want to think about anything.

AJ got up and went to the windown.
-Oh shit, he said and I had to go and see too. There was another car in the yard. And Kevin was just getting out of it.
I turned to see the time. It was too late. Or too early. It was one hour from time when AJ would have to leave to the airport to fly to take resposibility of his actions.
-What are they doing here?
AJ didn�t answer, just put some clothes on and went out. I stayed in the window and saw them huggind each other warmly. If I hadn�t been too tired of crying it would have brought tears to my eyes too. I could see them all out there, Nick, Brian and Leighanne, Howie and Alicia, Kevin and Kristin. And of course AJ. My love. For a moment I hesitated, I didn�t want to let him go. What if I couldn�t live without him? But then again, I had fine life before I met him. And as much he had brought happiness into my life, as much or even more there had been sorrow and sadness.
All there was left to do for me was to get dressed and then... say goodbye.

I waited for few minutes allowing AJ to explain the situation. I didn�t want to see expressions on their face when they�d realize what it would mean.
Then I went out and AJ came to hug me. I was numb inside, I was already resisting, defending myself from the pain. Others didn�t say anything, but the atmosphere told everything.
-I could use some coffee, I said and I was silently grateful when Leighanne started to act.
-Yeah, it�s pretty cold out here, let�s go in. There should be breakfast ready, if Nick didn�t eat everything. AJ held me close as we went in.

Minutes just walked slowly pass us. Every time I watched the time I didn�t know if I wanted it to stop or hurry. But it was awful situation.
-So Brian, would you drive me there? AJ asked.
-Yeah, sure. Whatever for you, bro.
Then he turned away and tried not to cry. I hid my face to AJ�s chest and he kept petting my hair. Mood was serious. I didn�t know what other way it could have been. When you get in the middle of moment where everything is final, you don�t know what to do. Sometimes someone, usually Nick but he wasn�t only one, said something stupid, trying to make us laugh but failing badly.

Finally AJ got up.
-I�m gonna go get my bags, he said.
-Let me do that for you, Howie insisted and was gone before I even noticed it. Rest of us went out and gathered around Brian�s car. AJ hugged everyone and then he came to me.
-I love you, he said and looked into my eyes like he could see trough to my heart.
-I know.
I couldn�t say the words. Not no, not ever, not to him. AJ wiped off last runawayed tears. Then he kissed me. Softly, slowly. I didn�t want to let him go, but I had to.
-If it�s a boy, I�ll name him Jonathan Alexander. But if it�s a girl, she�ll be Dianna. Di after my mom and Anna� We don�t say goodbye, he whispered as he was holding me tight. I pushed him little away, it was time to go.
-Goodbye AJ.
Desperation came to his eyes and for the last time I allowed myself to hope that he wouldn�t go. But he did. Without any further drama he let go of my hand and went to the car. As they drove off he didn�t look back.

I stood there stunned for a while. Then I collapsed. I don�t know what happened, I was just too emotional. Kevin was first one to reach for me. He lifted me up.
-Sweetie, let�s go in. We need to talk.
I let him to walk me to our house.

Leighanne brought me some juice and then left us alone. I looked out from the window but couldn�t see anything. Silence was too thick.
-I have to find out when I can leave.
Kevin came to sit beside me.
-Don�t worry, I can take care of that. What do you want to do?
-I want to go... I wanna go home.
-To Finland?
-Do I have any other home left?
Kevin didn�t answer but I wasn�t waiting him to.
-Anna, I know.
-What? What do you think you know? Have you ever said goodbye to your love one because they do what�s right?
-I know that you were going to get married.
That caught my breath and made me angry.
-What? He promised we wouldn�t tell anyone... So that�s why you came?
-Partly. We came because yesterday morning AJ called us. Did you think he could keep it as a secret? When finally he...
It was very confusing. We were talking like AJ had been still with me. And yet we both knew where we stood.
-We came here because he wanted to tell us all together and throw a surprise party for you. He thought you�d get mad first but then you�d... No one else knew we were coming and AJ obviously had too much on his mind. So as we got here, we heard something had happened. Then AJ came out and told everything. What I�m trying to say is that I�m sorry.
-Well, that makes me feel so much better.
I knew I was naughty but I had to hide somewhere.
-And I want to congratulate you. You have made a brave decision. In all ways.
-Does Kristin know?
-No. I had to beg her to come here. We�ve had our own problems lately... Do you think you�re going to survive?
-I have to.
-I know it has been like this for a long time, first you are together, then not, then again...
-But this time I said goodbye. And I meant it.
Kevin looked at me, but I couldn�t take it. So I stood up and went to the window like to be able to see better. To see what? It had been told so clearly, it�s the end.
-So what are you going to do now?
-I don�t know. First I go to Finland. I have my book to promote. I�ll stay there over Christmas. Then I have to come back to New York for a month or so. After that... Who can say. Maybe I�ll go to London. Or Marocco. Or India. Or Japan.
-Whole world is open for you.
-Somehow that doesn�t comfort me at all.
-Give yourself time.
He paused for a while.
-I�ll go find out when you can leave.
He went to the door.
-OK, thanks. And Kevin.
He turned back to me.
-You mean whole lot to me. Thank you.
-No problem.
He went out and I was feeling lucky he had been there. He didn�t make too much out of it. He took things as they came and acted same way.
I headed upstairs to pack my bags for going home.

I had to wait Brian to come back from the airport because I wanted to see them all together for the one last time. And so we did as before, expect that AJ was already gone.
-I don�t think I can make another trip like that, Brian said. His eyes were red. �I�d get into an accident or something. I�m sorry Anna.
-It�s OK. I�ll take her, Kevin promised.

I looked each one of them. Nick, my little brother, nasty little kid. Howie, the sweetes thing. And his Alicia, well kept secret who was trying to be brave and smile. Kevin, my rock. Kristin, who I didn�t know that well but who had always been nice to me. Leighanne, big sister, partly mother, warm and wonderful. And Brian, my other land lord, one who kept believing in me.
I hugged them all and told them I loved them. If possible, this one was harder to them. They would see AJ again but I was still determined not to.
-Please do not try to contact me, I told them. �I have been a small part of your life for a year. In six months you�ll forget me. All that there�s left of me is some pictures that will disappear eventually. And when you�re gray and old, you don�t remember that you ever met me.
-Don�t underestimate yourself, Howie cried. �How can I forget my little sister?
I hugged him once more.
-Let�s go, I said to Kevin. �Let�s just go.
And I knew why AJ did as he did, I couldn�t look back either. What is past, is past.

Kevin drove me to the taxi stop.
-I�m sorry, but I can�t take you to the airport.
-It�s OK. I�m a big girl, I can take care of myself.
-I know you do. Just one more thing... If you ever want to know how he�s doing, call me. I think that�s wisest thing to do. You�ll be hearing rumors anyway and just in case...
-There won�t be a case like that. But thanks anyway.
Kevin leaned to kiss me on my cheek and I got out of the car. Then he drove away.

So I left pretty much same way as I came to the country; taking a cab and driving to the airport with some lousy luggage. But when I came I was excited. Now I didn�t know what to feel. And as my second flight left from the Kennedy Airport I looked down and partly hoped that the plane would crash down. What was there left for me anymore?

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