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chapter 57

I leaned to the wall as Oliver started packing his things. We didn't say much. He looked so hurt I didn't know what to do. And at the same time I knew there was nothing I could do to ease his mind. I took sip of my glass. Wine was affecting strongly on me, but that didn't take away my pain either. I went to the sofa and sat down.

I must have fallen asleep because next thing I knew was darkness and silence. Still I knew that someone was in the room. It was Oliver. He was just about to leave and came to me. I kept my eyes closed as if I would have still slept. He leaned over me and watched me for a while. It felt very uncomfortable. Then he kissed me on my cheeck.
-I'll be hating you a while but still this was one of the best times in my life. I'll hope you'll find your way trough this life. So long, sweetie.
I laid there and heard as the door closed. Tears were running down on my face as I turned over and soon fell asleep again.

Next morning was awful. As I got up from the sofa, oh what a headache, I went to the kitchen and saw the table as it has been last night, beautiful and romantic. But now all the food was dried. When I went to the bedroom it was more awful. Oliver had taken all his stuff. I guess it wouldn't have been that bad if there wasn't blanc spots all over the walls and shells, where his pictures and books had been before. I sat down the bed but refused to cry. It would have felt stupid, I was the one wanting this. So I did as I would eventually have to, opened curtains, let the sun flow in and started to clean.

Few hours later apartment was bright and shiny. And impersonal. My stuff were still there but I realized what I had been doing. I was getting ready to go. It would be another two weeks until I had to be in Finland. Yet I had packed everything I ever thought about taking with me, excluding daily things and clothes. Well, I was free to go, nothing was holding me back anymore.

Stores were full of people. Though it was only mid November, christmas carrols played and everything was covered with gold and red and shine. I saw a shirt that I thought was perfect for my godson but I couldn't buy it because I didn't know his size. I had been gone for so long. I was ready to call and change the date of my flight ticket when Howie called me.
-Don't sound so sad, he said for the first thing.
-What? Do you know what has happened? Oliver left last night.
-And that's why you can't be there alone, you'll go crazy.
-I was thinking about going back to Finland sooner.
-No, not good... Think about your mom. She's freaking out if you go there crying your lost love.
- So what do you suggest?
Howie lowered his voice. -You know, we'll be out from here in few days.
-So soon? I was amazed.
-Yeah well, we had plans about recording some songs but there's some problems so it's delayed. That brings us to the fact that we have three weeks holiday. Think about that luxury! So. I know you have to go to Finland...
-In the end of the next week.
-And if we'll come back from here, let's say Thursday, that leaves us eight days!
-Eight days for what? I don't want to have anything to do with AJ.
-I thought about that. He's going back home. I don't feel like that. Or we rented a cottage. Would you like to join us?
-We who?
-Me, Alicia, Nick, Brian and Leighanne.
-What about Kevin?
-He wants to spend some time only with Kristin. So it's just five of us.
-And not AJ?
-No AJ. If you insist... We are ready to hide from him that you're even coming there.
-Would you really do that?
-Yes. You mean a great deal for all of us.
Howie's words almost got me into tears. -Thanks. I'll have to think about it.
-I know. Could you call me tomorrow? I have to make some arrangements.
He sounded like I had already promised to come. But I only promised to call and he had to settle to that.

Later that night I called my mom. It's amazing how moms always know when something's not allright.
-I'd tell you to come straight home but the fact is that your father and I are going to visit some relatives for the next week. You know it has been ages since we've last time been anywhere.
-Mom, that's fine.
-Are you sure? I hate to think you being alone in that city.
-I'm not gonna be here. I'll go away with some friends of mine.
-That's nice to hear. Where are you going?
That's when I realized that I didn't know.
-Probably Florida, I'm not sure. But I'll call you when we get there.
I tried to watch TV but nothing good was on. I tried to write but words escaped me. I cooked but forgot the salt from it. I went for a walk but streets were too crowdy and weather too depressing. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. I listened music but changed every song after thirty seconds. I ended up sitting in front of the window, smoking and staring nightly city.

In the middle of the night my phone rang. I consireded answering for a long time but because ringing didn't stop, I finally took the call.
-Yeah?
-You promised to call.
Something caught my breath. Last voice I was expecting to hear was AJ's. How did he have courage to call me?
-I'm sorry.
I still couldn't say anything.
-I know I shouldn't have called. I had to wait ages for Howie to leave me alone. It's just... I know I can't comfort you. But trust me, I'm sorry. For all of this. I've been only thinking about myself and how I need you and... I never stopped to think how you must feel. Us being together was mutual decision but still I always felt like I was one to call things off. I don't know how to explain it. At the same time I feel that we have already used all the words. That there's really nothing I could say.
I could hear his breath and I bit my fist not to cry. I had nothing to say to him. Not now, not yet.
-So I guess we have to say goodbye for a while. I know you're leaving to Finland tomorrow.
Howie must have already lied for me.
-Just leave the keys there. Or don't. If you're coming back next year. I hope you are. Maybe then... Maybe then we can finally be friends.
I heard him taking few fast breaths, as if he was holding back the tears.
-I love you.
Then he hang up. I held phone for a long time on my ear. That time cry was silent.

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