new york, new york

chapter 56

I looked around in a bar until I found what I was looking for. Jacob was sitting in a table next to the windows. I had got so restless being alone at home and every time phone rang I thought it was AJ. So I called Jacob, asked him to meet me, using those editorial problems as an excuse.

-Hey, he said when I sat across the table. �How are you?
-I�ve been better. Can I have one latte please? I asked from the waiter.
-You don�t look very well, Jacob marked.
-No shit Sherlock? I haven�t slept last night.
-Are you having inspiration moments? Or block?
-Neither. Thanks.
I got my coffee. I looked out from window, it was raining again.
-You know, I really like NYC but this rain is getting me.
-It�s usual at this time of year, Jacob comforted me. �It�s going to get better.
-I wonder if it had snowed in Finland already.
-But you�re going there soon, right?
-Pretty soon. First we are going to San Francisco, me, Oliver and his mother Charlene. His sister lives there. And Peter and others are touring there.
-Real family reunion.
-Yeah.
-Are you afraid?
I looked at Jacob with total amazement.
-What?
-I mean... You have dealed with them as individual but soon you�ll be part of the family. How does that feel?
-I don�t know. Anyway I�m going to Finland in about a month.
-And you�re coming back?
-I guess so.
Jacob took a long look at me, and I couldn�t response to that so I stared my coffee.
-Anna, what�s wrong? You obviously need to talk.
I thought it over for a while but soon I realized I needed outside opinion and only person I knew and trusted that much was Jacob.
-Okay. I have a story for you. And you should tell me what I should do with it.
-Shoot, I�m ready.
So I started to tell. And I told everything as it had been, except that I didn�t mention AJ�s name or status.
-So? What should I do? I love them both and I feel like no matter what I do someone is going to get hurt.
-And you�re afraid it�s going to be you?
-No! What makes you think that?
-Because it�s obvious that Oliver or this other guy, one of them is going to lose you. And you�re afraid you�ll choose wrong and lose them both. Right?
-You make it sound so cruel.
-But it is, isn�t it? Anna, it means a great deal that they both love you. And no matter how much you try you can�t value their love one doesn�t count more that another. Your own feelings are what count. Even if you�d love Oliver and stayed with him, won�t you always be missing Alex?
-What? Jacob had certainly surprised me.
-What do you think, Anna? That as a journalist I wouldn�t have found out about you?
-Did you... Did you know already then when we first met?
-I�ve seen the picture. First I didn�t recognize you, but soon I was pretty aware of what had happened.
-And yet you said nothing?
-What was I supposed to say? I wanted you to tell me when you�re ready. I�m sorry Anna, I didn�t mean to keep it from you.
-Well, I guess I kept it from many people for too long.
-So Oliver knows?
-He had hard time to handle it. I don�t know if he�s over it.
-Anna, I�m sure inside your heart you know what to do and it doesn�t matter what I say. Only thing I know that I most regret things I didn�t do.
-But...
-It�s time for you to make that decision. Call me when you�re done. I�m sorry but I have to go, I have this meeting, I couldn�t cancel...
Jacob stood up and put some money on the table.
-It�s allright. But Jacob... Can I trust you? That if I call you, you�re not going to write about it?
-Don�t you think that I�d done that already? Just give me exclusive interview when you get married.
And then he was gone and I was left with my lonely mind to the table trying to think what to do.

Oh sure, it was raining when I walked home two hours and one bottle of wine later. I know I was acting cowardly, but I don�t think there would have been any other way for me to get trough that night. Because as much as I was about to hurt someone, more I was going to get hurt.

As I walked in to our kitchen, beautyness caught my breath. Oliver had decorated the kitchen, there were candles, soft music... All you can dream to make night as romantic as possible. I watched him to stand other side of the table and my love to him washed over me.
-You look wet.
-I�ll go change.

As I stood in front of the mirror, I tried to explore my face to see if anything on them had changed. But no, nothing on my face told me that I had made the decision. My eyes were bright but obscure because of the wine. Getting dressed felt unnecessary, but I still did it. I thought that Oliver wouldn�t be able to eat if I sat to the table naked. Or could there be other reasons for not enjoying our dinner?

-To us.
What kind of irony that Oliver poured us more wine as I tried so hard to act like I had been sober. I tasted wine, it was good. I didn�t know if it was because of my condition or because it was brilliant. Oliver gave me food.
-I had to warm it up in micro, I hope you don�t mind.
-Oh no, not at all, I�m sure it�s as good as it would have been coming straight from the restaurant.
Fact was that Oliver had waited me over an hour with the food and everything and still he tried not to be mad. I felt like something inside of me started growing.
-It is very good, I said just to say something.
Oliver was concentrated on the dinner, poor man, he must be starving.
-Mom told you had forgot the day we�re leaving.
-I guess I�ve been absent-minded lately.
-You have. But it�s OK. I just talked to Peter today. He is so much looking forward seeing you. So is Jennifer. She�s having hard time to believe that I�ve finally found someone.
I couldn�t help myself, I started crying.
-Anna, what�s wrong? What are you crying for?
-I don�t know, I hiccuped. �It�s just that I love you so much...
Oliver came around the table to hug me.
-Oh sweetie, that�s allright. I love you too. You�re the most precious thing to me on this earth.
-Don�t say so.
-Why?
-Just don�t, OK? I have to know that you could live on without me.
-Anna?
-Just tell me that you can and will live on without me.
-What is happening here?
-I can�t come to San Francisco. I love you but I can�t be with you.
Oliver let me go and I stayed sitting. He took some angry steps around in the kitchen.
-So you�re going back to him, ha? What does he have that I don�t have? Power, money? Capability to buy places like that, gifts that I can�t ever dream about? Is that it? What about me being here with you when he�s flying all around the world? What about me washing your laundry and making you coffee in the morning when you�re too tired to get up? What about that?
-It�s not like that.
-Then tell me what it�s like. Because I don�t understand. I love you, Anna. I was hoping that after we got back from San Francisco you�d agree to marry me. So that I could be sure you�d be coming back from Finland. And if you wanted to stay there, I was willing to look for another job and move with you. I was about to make so many sacrificies for you. What can he do?
-Are you happy now? I asked. �You don�t have to any of those things. And for your information, I�m not going back to him. Yes, I love him too. I love him very different that I love you. But I can�t be with him either. I stay here in the city until he comes here and then I go to Finland. And I�m certainly not sure if I�ll be coming back.
Oliver was quiet for the long time. I took some more wine. I wanted to numb the pain inside, though by AJ�s example I knew that it was impossible.

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