new york, new york

chapter 55

I woke up in the middle of the night. Then I realized that Oliver hadn�t come home. I got worried, of course, because any bigger city isn�t safe when you wander there alone at the night time.

I wondered why he hadn�t called, because we had made very clear agreements to call whenever we missed our schedules. Oliver called if he worked late and I always left at least a note telling where I was going and when I should be back. But then I remembered that I had unplugged the phone because of AJ. AJ. Oh my�

I got up and went to put phone back on. It didn�t ring so I guessed that Howie had given up on hope to reach me. I stared the phone and tried to make a decision. Should I call him?

So what that he still loved me? I didn�t love him. Or did I? In a different way, maybe, but as a man, as a lover? I wanted Oliver to come home!

I picked up the phone and dialled number. Soon sleepy voice answered.
-Did I wake you up?
-No not at all. What do you think? It�s 9 am.
-I�m sorry. I�m not good with time zones.
-You? You should be expert. You are from Finland, remember?
-It�s too hard to forget. So� How are you?
-I guess I�ve been better. At least I�m sleeping. So not that bad.
-Have you been drinking?
-What kind of question is that?
-I just thought because you said in your e-mail�
-I said lot of things in my e-mail I didn�t mean.
-Would you like to name one?
-What would you like to hear?
-What do you mean?
-I was told that you�re unable to face the truth so� What do you want to hear?
-You�ve talked with Howie?
-We talk every day.
-AJ. I�m not really in the mood for this right now.
-So when will you be? I tell you that he said just the right words. I still love you. I do.
-You know I love you too.
-But Anna� I don�t mean in that way. I guess I realized it when Helen left. I love you. I want to be with you. Oh my God, Anna, I want to marry you!
-What about me?
-What about you? Don�t you love me?
-I don�t know.
-You don�t know?
-Shit AJ, it�s not that easy!
-Why wouldn�t it be? Why do you want to make it so complicated?
I had started to cry but I didn�t want AJ to hear it so I went to the window and lit a cigarette.
-Because it is complicated, AJ. Everything is. What do you want me to do? Say goodbye to Oliver, jump into a plane and just fly to you?
-That�s an option.
-No it�s not! I can�t just do that.
-Why not?
I could hear a silent joy in AJ�s voice and I hated myself.
-Because I just can�t. Don�t you understand? No matter how much I would love you, I can�t be with you. I think we got trough this last time.
-Why can�t you be with me? Give me at least one good reason?
-I can�t. I just can�t.
Now I was crying really hard and I knew that AJ heard it too.
-I can�t explain it. I just can�t be with you.
-So you think you�re being fare to Oliver being with him if you don�t even love him?
-Who said I wouldn�t love him? I asked with silent voice.
-But� But then how can you love me?
-It�s different, AJ. I love you madly, wildly, cruel� I love you so much that it would eventually kill me. I would follow you where ever you�d go, I would do everything for you. And no matter how good it sounds in songs, in real life it just doesn�t go like that.
-Anna�
-What?
-I didn�t know that.
-Well now you do. And I know it�s hard to accept. I don�t even count the nights I�ve been up thinking about us. Thinking about all of this. Thinking about what I�m giving up and what I�m doing wrong� Please don�t make me go trough it anymore.
-But�
-Life is hard, AJ. You can�t always get what you want. Maybe it�s time for you to face that.
-I can�t.
-Well, then you maybe understand how I feel.
He was quiet for a long time and I took another cigarette.
-Anna�
-Yeah?
-I�m sorry.
-Me too. Go back to bed know, would you?
-Sure. Will you still call me?
-I don�t know.
-Please call.
-OK AJ. I will.

As I hang up I didn�t know if I was going to keep that promise or not.

Finally, six hours later it was 9 am in NYC too so I could call Oliver to work.
-Hey. How are you? he asked with jolly voice.
-Where have you been? I knew I sounded terrible after being up all night, smoking one cigarette after another.
-I tried to call you in the evening but you didn�t answer.
-Yeah well, I unplugged our phone. Some freaks were calling here.
-Should you change your number?
-I hope I don�t have to. Maybe they realize it�s not AJ who they�re talking to.
-Yeah, I hope so too. You know how bad I�m with remembering numbers.
-I do. So� Where were you?
-At mom�s. I just walked around and before I realized I was there. I thought just to stop by but I was so wet that I stayed there and then it was too late and I thought I�d stay over. So I did. I tried to call you but�
-Yeah yeah. Well, I�m glad you�re OK. I thought you�d be there but when I realized that you haven�t come home it was past midnight and I didn�t want to worry Charlene.
-You�re always so thoughtful.
-Sure, honey, whatever. But you�ll come here tonight?
-I will. Actually I could cook something.
-You? Don�t fool me.
-Well� I heard about this new magnificent nepalian cuisine that opened last week. I could pick something up.
-You do that. See you tonight.
-OK, pumpkin. I love you.
-I love you too.

I didn�t feel like a liar. But was I?

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