new york, new york

chapter 54

Charlene knew instantly that there was something wrong with me.
-So Anna, how are you two doing? Oliver has been little cranky lately.
-He has? Oh well, we have had our disagreements.
-You are still coming to California?
California! Old Joni Mitchell song started to play in my head. I had forgotten San Francisco.
-I guess so. When are we leaving again?
-Are you sure you�re okay? You sound little distant.
-No, I�m fine. What were the dates?
-Anna! We are leaving next Wednesday.
-Next? You mean like day after tomorrow?
-No, week after that. I can�t believe this. I told Oliver to remind you about it.
-Well, maybe he did. I�m not just the best person right now.
She took a long look at me.
-What�s wrong? Anna, what�s really wrong?
What was I supposed to say? That I had been restless? That I couldn�t sleep? That my ex-not-even-a-real-boyfriend just told me that his girlfriend left? That I had obviously some mystical connection with him, because I had been acting so weird lately, like I had known that something was really going on?
-I�m just stressed. You know, this trip to San Francisco�When we get back from there it�s my time to go back to Finland to promote my book and spend Christmas there. And then what? I don�t know if I want to come back. I have a good life in here, but you know me. I can�t stay too long.
-Have you ever tried to find out why you can�t stay?
-Not really.
-I think you should. And I also think that you should take one day at the time. I�m really happy that you�re coming to San Francisco with us. Peter has waited so much to see you again. Then you have to go to Finland. We all know that. And none of us knows what is going to happen. Just don�t say goodbye. Oliver really loves you. And I know you love him too. Give each other some time. You�ve been so closely together, that�s what worries me. You�re young, go out and have fun! If you�re meant to be together, you will be together. And as much as I would like you to be my daughter-in-law, if it isn�t going to happen, then it doesn�t. I�m not going to kill you. You�re always welcomed here for a cup of tea. Want some now?
I nodded. Well, things started to make sense. One day at the time. And one night. And that night I would have to call to AJ.

But I didn�t. Instead Howie called me.
-So you�ve heard?
-I had e-mail from him.
I could hear Howie breathing heavily.
-What? Is it really that bad?
-Anna, why do you have to be so blind?
-I�m not blind. I�m not. Why do you think I would be blind?
-It�s all about you.
-Howie! Why do you say that? It doesn�t have to be always about me! Hold on.
I looked at Oliver who had shut down the TV.
-Where are you going?
-I thought I�d go out.
-It�s raining.
-Anyway.
I shrugged. I didn�t really want him to be around, but still I felt awful when he left.
-So? I said to Howie. �Why do you think it�s about me?
-Because it has always been and it will always be.
-That�s stupid. AJ and I were over long time ago. It�s not even a slightly good reason to appeal when you have problems in your life! Will you still say that when we�re thirty and they fight about their kids and when they should come home?
-That�s different.
-Tell me, tell me how it�s different.
-Because if they have kids in ten years, then he�s over you. Right now he isn�t.
-And what I got to do with it?
-You just are.
-So simply I�m being punished because I am who I am?
-Pretty much.
-Argh! You�re making me crazy!
-Now think about it. Helen is a great girl. Yet AJ�s not happy with her. He�s not happy with anyone, not us, not Helen� Only times I see him smiling is when he�s with you.
-But we�re friends!
-I don�t care what you say you are. I�m saying that you have some unfinished business and either of you can�t move one until you�ve made it clear to yourself.
-Don�t scare me. And still, I�ve moved on already.
-Really? Then why are you still calling him every day? Why do you live in his apartment? Why are you in US in the first place?
-What about Oliver? What about my work? What about my LIFE?
-What life do you have? Don�t tell me you�re not feeling like running away again. You two are so restless when you�re apart.
-Don�t say that to me.
-You�re much more calmer when you�re together. Think about last year. Do you think we would be touring around Europe as a group if you wouldn�t have been there? God knows what AJ could have done without you.
-Please stop�
-You�re the one who made him try again. You�re the one who keeps pushing him forward. You�re the one who he tells his deepest secrets to.
-Howie stop!
I was crying. �It�s not like that. It�s nothing like that. You�re wrong.
-Am I?
-You are mistaken. Ask him. Just ask him.
-I did.
He caught my breath.
-What did he say?
-�I still love her, Howie. I still love her.� And he was talking about you.
-He wasn�t.
-Oh yes he was. Just call him and ask. He will tell that to you too.
-Shit, Howie. You ruined it again.
-Me? I ruined it? I�m just trying to make some sense out of this all. And in fact, you�re not really helping me!
-Shut up, Howie. Just shut up.
-Why? Because you can�t face the truth?
I hang up. Phone started ringing again but I took the whole thing off. I went to the window. It was raining really hard and I wondered where would Oliver be at that time. Where was the man I loved when he was needed? No one answered my prayers, so I turned around and went to bed, being too mad to think about doing anything else.

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