new york, new york

chapter 53

But as much as we tried to be like nothing happened, everything had changed. I still called AJ, almost every night, but only when Oliver wasn�t around. We were very careful not to talk about him or Helen. So eventually we ended up having nothing to talk about. He still told how his days went, but how are you supposed to do that when you can�t mention people who is always around.

Because if he didn�t talk about her, Howie did. He was still very amazed why we weren�t together. But he got used to it. As we all did. Sometimes I even spoke with Helen, when she answered AJ�s calls. It was all very awkward, I liked her but I didn�t know how to deal with her anymore.

Oliver left questions unasked and I was too tired to fill him in anymore. I knew that it was coming between us, but I didn't know what to do about it. And at the same time the whole thing came between AJ and me. And suddenly I knew that it wasn't the way I wanted things to be. But did I do anything to change it? I still didn't know what it would be�

-Morning.
Oliver came to the kitchen. I was sitting there, drinking tea, it tasted awful, nothing like when Charlene made it.
We were going in late October; it was getting darker and cooler every day. I was wearing sweater because waking up isn't my favorite thing to do before 7 am.
-What are you doing up so early? Oliver asked.
It wasn't that usual either. My working at the paper rarely required me to get up early, and so I didn't.
-I don't know, I just couldn't sleep.
-Are you making it a habit?
-I don't think so, I said streching my legs. -What about your day?
-Same old, same old. But� if you don't have anything special going on today, could you visit mom?
-Why? Is there something wrong with Charlene?
-No. She just hasn't seen you in a while.

I felt guilty. I haven't seen her for almost a month. I always said I was busy with my writing when the fact was that I slept very long, got up, did my work for the paper and after that stared hours at the blinking cursor on my screen.

Words that came to me every night disappeared every time I tried to write them down. Then Peter got home and we did all the stuff together. I never stopped to think if he was bothered of living in AJ's apartment, but somehow I think he didn't even realize it. It had been my place before he even knew about AJ.

It was real, my book was about to be published. After weeks making changes I felt relieved. But also sad. Next time I would read it, it would be covered and what if I wanted to change something then? I guess some things you just can't change.

-Yeah, I'll go there today. She's having a day off?
-I think so. But call if you're not sure. I have to go now.
He came to give me a kiss.
-Have a great day!
-I only hope so�

After Oliver left I went to a long, warm bath. Lying there get me sleepy. But I was determined to be efficient that day, so I got up, called Charlene, promised to be there by lunch and went to work. And to my amazement I got all my work done in seconds. I made notes to call Jacob later that week to discuss some editorial problems I had gone into, when I logged on to read my e-mails.

There was some usual stuff from my friends and family in Finland, some commercials (you always block them but it doesn't ever work) and mail from AJ. I opened it.

"Hey there", he wrote. "How is New York? It's late in Luxembourg but I'm feeling restless, first I thought to call you but I guess I would have woken you both up. It's been great fall around here. Last few weeks we toured in Scandinavia and it sure looks pretty this time of year. Only thing is that it's so dark at nights. How can you really live there? I guess you can't answer that, because you don't really live there. Anymore.
I wish I would've called. I'm smoking here, soon Tom or someone freaks out and comes to my room and says that I'm about to put a fire. I don't think so. I'm dying for a drink, and I try not to think about it.
Where is Helen you may ask. Why isn't she there beside me? Well, I guess this is the reason why I, in the end, didn't call. I don't know how to tell you this. She left. Last night. She just left. I don't really understand why. I hasn't been easy, but we have been doing allright considering circumstances. You know how they say that you understand what you've had when it's gone? Funniest part is that I don't really miss her. I wish she would be here but there's no particular reason for that. I guess she's just been around to ease my misery. And I sound so selfish when I say it, but what can you do about it? If it's the truth. Is it? Hard to say. Maybe I just don't even understand yet that she's gone.
Are you going soon back to Finland? Are you then coming back? I wish I could see you before you go. Just� I don't know. I should delete this whole message. I'm insane. We're coming back to NYC in two weeks. Will you be there? We are going to have a holiday. So I guess all the boys are going to Florida. I could spend some days somewhere no one would know me. Do you think Oliver would be mad if I'd spent some nights on your couch? Or actually, it's my couch, but I don't care about technicalities anymore. Just call me tomorrow allright?
Yours, Alex."

I read message over and over again. Then I looked for the time. And I was already late. I turned computer off and stumbled out of the apartment. I was lucky not to be hit by anything while wandering on the streets to the home of Charlene.

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