new york, new york

chapter 52

We sat in the kitchen and I fought the urge to make some tea. Instead I sat there silent, looking at my hands. Oliver was looking exhausted and I wanted to say:
-Let�s not do this now, let�s do this later.
But I knew we�d have to get over with it. Whatever he was about to say, I needed to know. But I couldn�t force him either, and he made me to wait for a long time.

-I�m sad, he finally said. -I�m sad because you couldn�t trust me. I understand his status, but you could have told about it without names.
-And you would have been satisfied with that?
-I don�t know. I guess not. This is all too much... Have you talked with him?
-He called here some time ago. We... we kind of had a fight.
-He�s having girlfriend, right?
-He is. Her name is Helen, very sweet girl.
-Then what was that �my girl� all about?
-I don�t know. He didn�t seem to know either. But I told him that if he can�t be just friend with me, I don�t want to see him again.
-You did?
-Yeah.
-So you�d be ready to throw him out of your life... because of me?
-Don�t flatter yourself too much. Because of me mostly. You are part of my life, of course. And right now he�s most bothering you and me. But yes, I would be ready for that.
-That�s... a lot.
-He�s just a person. Like we all. I just happened to get to know him. But it could�ve been some boy from next door. It doesn�t make a difference.
-I think it does. It makes your sacrifice even bigger.
-Don�t call it like that, I said. -I have to live this life. Not to pretend living it. If he can�t take it, he has to go. Why are we talking about him anyway? I thought we were supposed to talk about us.
-Is there you without him?
-I can�t take back anything I�ve done. He�s in my past. I don�t know if he�s in my future. But I do exist without him too, yes. I need him and I don�t want to lose him but... How many times do I have to tell you that?
-Maybe I can�t believe that you love me.
-What changed that? Do you think one night erases all we�ve had during last months? Oliver, you are and will be more than he ever was.
-More than he could be?
-Yes. Because he won�t ever be part of my life like you do.
-Why?
-Why? I decided that long time ago.
-When did it end?
-Nothing really ever started, but it was last March. Beginning of it.
-That�s when you left back to Finland?
-Yes.
He was silent and for the first time I looked at him longer than just a second.
-Can you live with that? I asked.
-I don�t know, he sighed. -I don�t know. But I guess I have to try. I can�t let you go either.
And I didn�t even realize I was crying until he came and wiped off my tears. He kissed me and I felt like heaven would have come to Earth. He was the one I loved. He was the one I needed. He was the one who needed me.

In spite of my lack of sleeping I lied a long time awake next to Oliver. I had made dinner for us and then we watched a movie. I spend a little moment on my computer while Oliver went out for a run. Usual evening for us. But there was nothing usual in it. We sat silent in front of the TV and then he broke the silence asking something about AJ and boys. Most of the times I answered but there were some things I just couldn�t tell him. I had to protect them too. I explained all that to Oliver but he had hard time swallowing it. I was still mad at AJ. In a calmer way though. But what right did he have to walk in my life and change everything? Because once you�ve crossed the line, you can�t go back.

At 2 am phone rang and I reached to answer. Oliver turned from side to side but didn�t really wake up.
-Hello.
-Hey... Can I come up?
I looked at Oliver.
-I don�t know if it�s such a good idea.
-Come on, it�ll only take minute. We should be driving to the airport already. It took a small fortune to pay Tom to do this.
-OK. But just for a minute.

I put the phone away and got up. Soon I heard key in the lock.
-Let�s go in the kitchen, I whispered to AJ when he opened the door.
He looked in the direction of bedroom but didn�t ask anything. I put some lights on and closed the door.
-So?
-Can�t we sit down?
-You can. I rather stand.
He sat to the table, I leaned to the owen.
-How is he doing?
-He�s probably happy you didn�t kill him. What got into you AJ?
He hid his face to his hands.
-I don�t know. Now I understand all the reasons you gave me... I just freaked out.
-What about that drinking?
-That was stupid. That was very stupid.
-I agree.
-I know you do.
-How�s Helen? Have you talked with her?
-She�s fine. She�s great. She�s flying to Orlando tomorrow. We talked... Or mostly I apologized.
-I really like her.
-I know you do. She�s... Why am I telling you this?
-Because that�s what friends talk about.
-But... I mean... Doesn�t it hurt you to hear about her?
-Not as long as you�re happy with her.
-I guess I am. She�s so stable.
-I think she�s doing good for you.
-Yeah? Maybe she is.
I sat down and took AJ�s hand to my owns.
-Eventually I would have hurted you. That�s me. Look what I did for Oliver. And he�s just normal guy, used to live and survive out there.
-How did you meet him?
-He�s brother of Peter. One of those dancer I toured with on my first stay in US, I continued when AJ didn�t seem to catch it. -I moved to her mother�s and then he moved in too... We just started to hang out.
-When did it happen?
-After your last visit in NY.
-Exactly?
-You don�t want to know.
-I do.
-The night I heard my book is going to be published.
-Kind of a way to celebrate, ha?
-It had been coming for a while already. I guess I was scared too. AJ, you�re... You are a hell of a guy. And I was afraid of letting Oliver into my life, because I didn�t know if I could ever love him like I love you.
-So you did love me?
-At least I do now. Or did until yesterday. I don�t know. But it�s still different. You don�t compare me and Helen, so let�s not do it in here either.
-How do you know that?
-Because you�re too much of a gentleman. And even if you did, you wouldn�t confess it. He caressed my palms and I pulled my hands away from him. He looked down at the table, the place where my hands were before.
-So now what?
-I guess you have a flight to catch, I said softly.
He looked straight to my eyes.
-Don�t play around with me, please.
-Do you want me to move out from here?
-No! No, don�t do that. I would feel awful. And it seems I�m not going to use this much anyway.
-OK. I�ll let you know if things change.
-Will you still call me?
-Will you call me?
-I think so.
-Good.
-Friends?
-Friends.
Smile at his face was sad and tired and I wanted so much to stand up, go round the table and hug him. But I was afraid he�d taken it wrong and we would go into another misery.
Instead I sat still as he stood up.
-So this is goodbye?
-Haven�t you learned anything? I asked smiling. -We don�t say goodbye.
-Another Celine-song?
-Immortality.
-I�ll miss you.
-Take my hi to Helen.
-I will.
-You can always call me. Whenever.
-OK.
-�I make my journey through eternity, I keep the memory of you and me inside�.
-We don�t say goodbye.

As I climbed back to bed I knew that Oliver was awake even if he tried to pretend otherwise.
-It was AJ.
He held his breath but didn�t ask anything, so I didn�t tell anything more.
-I love you.
I cuddleded next to him and felt him relax. For the first time I felt myself sleepy instead of only exhausted.

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