new york, new york

chapter 41

I dialed the number with shivering hands.
-When did you think to tell me that you�re in New York? he asked.
-I don�t know.
I haven�t told AJ about my life lately, I had written him e-mails on other things.
-So how was the speech?
-How did you know?
-You used my credit card.
-Shit! I�m sorry, I didn�t mean to do that, I was going to return it to you...
-It�s OK.
-I�ll pay back.
-OK. So? How are you doing?
-AJ...
-I�ve read everything you�ve written during the last month. It seems you�ve been busy. So I can forgive you that you haven�t time to tell me.
I didn�t know what to think. It felt awesome to talk with him again, but there was a little tone in his voice that made me think it wasn�t as easy for him as he made it to sound. At least it wasn�t easy for me.
-Would it change anything?
-I don�t know. It would be good to see you. It�s good to hear your voice...
-Please, don�t do this to me.
-Do what? now he sounded normal. -Is there something I should do to you?
-No, never mind... It�s just...
I didn�t want to ask why. Or didn�t want to hear his answer. Either way it would hurt.
-So, would you like to go out tonight? he cut the silence.
-What? You know I can�t.
-That party sucks, doesn�t it? The best part is over anyway.
-Where are you?
-It�s best I don�t tell on the phone. Just come to the corner of 5th Avenue and 57th street in two hours.
-So at 11 p.m.?
-Yeah. There will be someone waiting for you.

In a taxi I still thought about turning back. He wouldn�t do that again. He would be too proud to ask one more time. And I needed to see him. I needed to hear his voice, look into his eyes, feel him... Not!
I tried to calm down as I got up from the taxi. Street was once again full of people, but no one seemed familiar to me. I paid my ride and started to wait.

-Anna? low voice asked. I turned around and recognized Tom.
-Hey.
-Evening. Would you like to come with me?
Instead of taking me to some restaurants near by he took me to his car and headed south.

I didn�t know New York enough to tell me where we were. We ended up to a silent alley. Tom stopped the engine. He looked at me.
-Do you know where we are?
I shook my head and he seemed satisfied.
-Come on, I�ll take you in.
As we walk towards the building, I saw in my mind the table that was waiting for us. There would be candlelight, little wine for me, starters under the big shiny cover. I would sit across AJ and the piano would play all our songs...

Tom opened the door. I could hear the music trough the walls. Tom obviously noticed my amazement.
-It�s a club. This is just the backdoor.
As we walked on he showed his sign to few bodyguards standing in the door.

-Hey! AJ yelled when he saw me and came to hug me. I looked around over his shoulder. Everyone was there.
AJ let me go and then it was Howie�s turn.
-Hi girl, you look good. How did your big speech go? There�s someone I want you to meet.
He stepped aside a little and a redheaded gazelle was standing there.
-Alicia, I smiled. -How nice finally to meet you!
We hugged too.
-How did you know her name already? Nick wondered aloud after giving me a kiss. -This is the first time we meet her.
-Women, you know... Kevin said. -Anna how are you?
Finally I had a chance to say something.
-I�m fine, thank you.
It was all little different than I had imagined. Anyway, there was a big group of people with them at that night. Brian tossed my hair, seeing Leighanne almost brought tears to my eyes.
And there she was. Helen. She said her name with a perfectly built accent when holding my hand.
-Anna, I just said. -It�s great to meet you. AJ has told a lot about you.
-Really? I�m sorry, but he hasn�t told anything about you.
I disappointed and turned to see AJ. -You haven�t?
-Well...
-Hey, you don�t have anything to drink yet, Howie saved his ass. -What would you like to have?
-Some semi-dry white wine would do.
-Coming up!

In the end Helen turned out to be a great girl. But it still hurt to see them sitting next to each others, she keeping hand on his knee, he softly touching his neck while we chatted. I�m sure AJ made some of it to tease me so I tried not to show my feelings. Which were...? Mixed.
I liked it there. We had a great evening. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing and when I had got back to US and why I hadn�t called them. It came obvious that e.g. Nick didn�t have any idea of things that had been between me and AJ. Howie instead had a good idea, and I saw he whispering with Alicia from time to time.

When AJ took Helen to dance, Howie came to me.
-So how are you handling this?
-What does it look like?
-That you don�t know what to think.
I looked at AJ and Helen on the floor attached together.
-I don�t. But it�s still over.
-The way you look at him...
-Doesn�t mean anything, I completed. -I haven�t seen him in what... three months? It all feels so surreal to me now. You didn�t know if I could move on. But I can. Just as he did.
-But will you do that because he did or because you can�t go back?
-None of us can go back, you should now that.

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