new york, new york

chapter 36

We talked all night trough. I sat on the coach and finally AJ fell asleep his head in my lap. I pet his hair and watched him dreaming.
It felt strange. I wasn�t mad anymore. Now I knew AJ�s side of the story. It sure haven�t helped my decision to leave, but it somehow made it easier. And also harder.

I had slept for a while but then AJ wakened me.
-Hey, he said.
-Hey. What time is it?
-Around 10.
I lifted his head and got up from the sofa. I stretched my back, I was numb of that uncomfortable position. I looked at AJ. He still laid on the sofa.

I would have staid if he had asked. But I�m glad he didn�t. I just gathered all my things, put my vagabond shoes back on.
-Can I still call you sometimes?
-After a while yes. I just... We both need time to get over this.
I left to the door.
-Anna I love you.
I turned one more time to blow a kiss.
-My prayers are always with you AJ.
And another door closed between us.

I felt so blue when I walked down on the hall. I didn�t see anything in front of me. Until there came familiar face.
-I don�t believe this. Anna you came back!
I saw Howie.
-Well...
-Don�t tell more. Let�s go here so we can talk? Or are you going to see AJ now?
I shook my head and he lead me to his room.

-You can�t believe how much we�ve missed you. I really don�t know what�s going on but that song that AJ wrote, that was just...
-Unbelievable. I know.
-I can�t believe you�re there. You left so suddenly. And now you�re here! How�s the story? I need to know how it ends. I missed so much you asking words from me like what is...
-What is the word people use when they take separate roads?
-Goodbye.
A sad smile came upon my face.
-You don�t mean that? What...? Is it because...?
-Howie. Whatever there was between me and AJ, it doesn�t exist anymore. I�m coming from him. This time he knows I�m leaving. And he accepts it. So should you.
-No. No. I wont. Anna why?
-I can�t explain it. I don�t want to talk about it. I just can�t take anymore tears. I loved you all, still do but I have to go.
-Where are you gonna go?
-Home. Back to Finland. I had a chance to taste this life and I�ve eaten too much. I have to go home.
-Is there anything I could make you to stay?
-No. AJ tried, he couldn�t either.
-Did he simply ask?
I looked down.
-I can�t believe you�re making this so hard!
-Don�t make it any harder. Just let me go.
I stood up.
-Goodbye Howie. Call me sometimes. Not right now... I have to get over this. When I get back to Finland I can think that it was just a dream. As it was.
-No it wasn�t. And what if you can�t get over it? Then what?
-I have to take responsibility for my actions and live with the consequences.

As I sat on the bus on my way to other little town of Colorado I got to think what if I couldn�t put that all behind me? Well, at least I needed to try. In my head spun a always positive Abba-song: �We just have to face this time we�re trough, breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go, knowing me, knowing you, it�s the best I can do�.

Show was on already when I got there. I sat back, quietly, to see how it went. I looked at the people on the stage. How much I loved them too! Even Nikki, who never was my favorite person. Peter, Ricky, my big brothers. Michael, who didn�t like me but taught me so much about dancing. All of them. The whole life. Letting go is never easy.

-So when are you gonna go? Peter asked as we sat with the bottle of red wine in their small room.
-I don�t know. Soon.
As I had unpacked, I found an envelope. There was plain ticket from Denver to Helsinki and message:
�If you have to go, let me make it easier. That�s least I can do. I�m sorry. I never meant to cause you troubles. I hope to meet you sometime again. With all my heart, AJ.�
I couldn�t help myself feeling like I had been paid of my services. But I put that feeling back because the fact was that I didn�t have any money. Sure my mom would have paid my ticket if I�d asked, but I wanted to return as a winner.
-I have to check the flights.
-You got all cleared out with that guy? Ricky asked.
-Pretty much, yes. I know more now, but it hurts less.
-And still you�re not gonna stay?
-No. There�s no reason for that.
-What about love? Ricky was hopeless romantic.
-That travels with me.

Two days later I watched as the clouds surrounded me. I was heading to New York just to catch another flight to Helsinki.
It was awful to say goodbye once again. We had had a little party and we promised to keep in touch.
-You didn�t get to San Francisco, Peter reminded me.
-Well, if you ever get there, put my name on the list.
But I knew as I looked their faces drawing away at the airport that chances of meeting them ever again was slight. People live on, and even if they don�t mean to they change. Their lives change, they forget to call you and some day you get a Christmas card from some unknown place.
I thought what it would be if I�d ever return to US. How different America that would be for me. Now I had experienced two totally different lifestyles. Maybe next time I would come with my husband and two less cute kids and stay in average hotels and drive around with a rented car from one Disneyland to another. One of them was in Florida but even less than meeting dancegroup again I believed ever meeting AJ or any of the Boys again.

But as they say, you can never know what future holds!

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I'm way too curious. Tell me what you think.

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