new york, new york

chapter 37

I slipped back to my old life quite easily. Mom and dad were meeting me at the airport and they had tears in their eyes when we hugged. I did too. But soon it got as before.

-So what are you going to do now? mom asked when we had drove for half an hour.
-Mom!
-What? I can ask, can�t I?
-Wouldn�t you just let her get over from the time difference.
Five minute silence.
-What do you want to eat?
-I don�t know.
-We should go to the grocery store.
-Yes, dad said.
-You should. And me too.
-What do you mean? mom wanted to know.
-Dad is going to drive me to the cottage.
I looked out from the window to avoid seeing mom�s disappointened face.
-I have jet-lag and all, I added. -I don�t want to disturb you.
-But it�s cold and dark...
-I can manage it.
I needed some time for myself. To get back together, face the reality, put things in order.

That took me two weeks. Then I got tired of my parents. I know, they mean well, but after few years of independency you really can�t go back to your childhood. So I got a job, place to stay, all necessities, and moved on.
I bought a computer, typed my book. Well, it wasn�t finished but I thought it would come when I would just take it easy.

A month later Howie called. It was weird. He told me all about things they were doing and places they had been in and it felt like he would have spoken of total strangers. And I had been there! He noticed it quite fast.
-So you�re happy there?
-Yeah.
-You sound different.
-Well, I guess things have changed.
I didn�t mean to be rude but somehow it sounded like that.
-Anna...
-How many times do I have to tell you that this is where I belong?
He was quiet for a long time.
-AJ�s been missing you.
-I miss him too.
-Then why...?
Then I was angry.
-Dammit Howie! Just try to let go of it. He will get over it! And it�s not your business anyway.
-I just can�t understand that two peoples who are so perfect for each other can�t be together!
-Face it. We�re far from perfect. If I would have stayed after two months we�d ended up hating each other.
-But we can�t know it now, can we?
-I don�t know about you, but I do know. And AJ does too.
I sighed.
-This isn�t going anywhere, Howie.
-I just... I can�t. I could say that I�m happy for you but I�m not. You don�t see where you belong. I don�t know if it�s here or there but... What makes you think you could stay this time? What should happen, who�s heart are you going to break until you�re on the road again?
-You�re hurting me.
-And I�ve always been too nice. What makes you think you could settle for a life like that?
-Who said I was settling?
-What are you doing now? Look at your life. Isn�t that just what you wanted to escape in the first place?
-I needed to know what there could be. Now I know.
-But it doesn�t mean that one is better that another, does it?
-See! There�s nothing wrong with your life, but I just chose this. Are you really blaming me for that? Howie, you�re selfish.
-Ain�t we all? I can�t understand why AJ let you go.
-Because he knew I wouldn�t stay. And just for your knowledge, if I broke a heart so did AJ. So we�re even.
-All right. I miss you.
-Did we have to go though all this so that you could say that? I asked.
-Maybe. But if you ever...
-I don�t think so. Thanks anyway. Listen, I have to go. Talk to you later.
-Do you really mean that?
-I can�t promise anything.

That mixed my life up for few days. I stayed up late, wondering if I had chosen wrong. But then I looked around in my place, saw the pile of papers that grew every day, artworks I didn�t have time to hang on the walls, pictures of my friends in a frame next to my bed... I took AJ�s pic to my hand. It was taken on the boat. Nick had e-mailed me some of the pictures he had taken. There was no message with them, or any reply-to address. There was also me on the boat, and the group photo from the last party.
I missed AJ badly. I wakened every morning to a dream of him. They were different though. In ones he said he�d love me, others he abandoned me... Sometimes I saw a dream of him being alone and miserable. Those were the days I wanted to get him on the phone, hear his voice, his rusty laughter... But I didn�t do that because I knew - wanted to believe - that he wasn�t over me either.

Later in April I came across with other speculations of girlfriends. This time it was about AJ and Helen. Well, she was still extremely beautiful and AJ seemed happy. I denied that I felt bad at all about it.
I did know AJ�s e-mail address. I had found it on one of my various times I used his computer. Now I thought it was time to use it.
�Hard to find a song to fit the occasion. I hope you�ll make it this time. A. I�m sorry�
(As a song it�s too much 80�s that I�d like it, but the lyrics sound different when you just read them.)

Why can�t you just let go? If AJ had played with fire earlier, I was holding a gasoline can. Well, there was no explosion. But some of the worst scourges come creeping.

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