new york, new york

chapter 18

-Smile now, please, would you!
I was sitting on the upper deck. It was getting late and we were shortly getting back to the shore. We had swam, cruised, then we had the nicest cold lunch. It was like straight from some Dallas or something.
I looked at Nick.
-I�m too tired.
-I want to take a picture of you! he said.
-You have already taken hundreds of pictures today.
-But you�re not in those.
-I don�t look good in photos.
-You would if you�d smile.
I was too tired to fight so I smiled and Nick took the photo. He had digital camera so he showed me the result right after that. I didn�t look like me at all. It was like some strange woman would be sitting there with that white hat and small bikini.
Woman. I didn�t consider myself as a lady. Not yet. I wanted to be a little girl, sweet and irresponsible. And still the feelings I felt when AJ had put sun milk on me were very much adult. And they also surprised me. Because it had been a while I had felt that way. All the time I had spent in US I had been very careful not to fall for anyone. Because no matter how fun I was having, at the same time I knew that it was all for now. And that�s how I wanted it to remain.

I refused to let AJ drive me home and went instead with Howie to his house. It was nice anyway to hang out with him for a while. He was always treating me so nice, and we spent the night with talking about life and love. So many times I almost said something about Alicia but then I thought that Howie probably had good reasons to keep it secret. And as talking my life over with Howie I realized even clearer that I was in the crossroads and soon I should choose where to go. Anyway, I couldn�t stay in the country much longer, my residence permit was about to expire. I could probably get some more time but not the green card.

So sitting there in the setting sun in the balcony with Howie I understood that I still hadn�t found what I was looking for. And the stillness around me made restless and ready to look into the future with great expectations.

I got back at Brian�s next day around noon and hadn�t slept at all. Howie put me into a cab and went to bed by himself. Leighanne was talking on the phone when I got there.
-Listen I got to go, she said and hand up.
I wished she�d keep up talking because I was way too tired, longing for a warm shower and soft bed.
-So you got home finally? she asked.
-As it seems.
-You were at Howie�s?
-I thought he called Brian about it.
-You know how men are.
I wasn�t in the mood to look for more than one meaning for the words.
-He forgot to tell you? I�m sorry I didn�t take care of it by myself.
-I wasn�t worried, you�re a grownup woman.
And suddenly it was all about that?
-I just thought that maybe you went to AJ�s.
-Why?
-For no reason.
-Could you please believe me, there�s nothing going on between us!
My voice was a bit too loud so I managed to sound angry. And actually I was.
-I don�t know what�s with you all, I continued with a calmer voice. -There has been nothing, there wont be anything, period. I�m leaving next week this whole life. But right now I�m extremely tired so if you�ll excuse me I�ll go to bed.
I left upstairs feeling bad because of yelling to Leighanne.

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I'm way too curious. Tell me what you think.

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