new york, new york

chapter 13

”that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you ”

I was lying on my bed listening to the lyrics. It made so much sense to my current situation. ”Whether with or without you” sounded so like me. Do not ever judge me by my friends or lovers! Never. But what was a message I was sending out to AJ? Well, even I wasn’t sure. I just had to wait how he would react on it. Or lose my sanity and still be good. And loved.

Yeah, I felt loved. I felt very comfortable over at Brian’s. But still at the same time I knew that I didn’t belong there. That I was uninvited visitor. Maybe I had given them much but that wasn’t nothing compared to what I had got from them. All of them.

It took a while for AJ to give me the answer. And days went by. I had contacted my friends again, so that when the time would come, I could join their company again. It felt crazy, but I really missed the new places, unknown towns, smell of theaters, all of that. At least there I knew where I could stand.

But finally I had the CD back in my hand. Leighanne had requested it from AJ at one of their meetings without me.
-So he said what? I asked Leighanne.
-Nothing. He just looked at me like trying to find out how much I knew and then he gave it to me.
-So he had it with him?
-Yeah. I think he was just looking for the chance to get it to you. So are you going to listen it?
-I don’t know.
And I didn’t. I mean, why bother? They were about to leave on their tour and me to mine. But then again, I was way too curious not to listen. Leighanne looked at me and smiled.
-I thought so. But Anna, if anything ever happens, you would tell me, right?
-What could happen? I mean, they’re just words.

And how wrong was I again…

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