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Day 5 - Part4

FRI – I don’t know if it’s good for us to stay in this house. It seems too big, too empty, too creepy. No changes with O. She sleeps now more. I tried to ask if she has any medication but she says she believes in homeopathic. I guess it means smoking pod. I found some from her last night and flushed it down to toilet. She has it hidden somewhere, I’m sure. I don’t like how she looks like. And of course, eating is not an option. This morning, before going to sleep, she tried on some clothes and admired how good she looks like. I know I’m skinny but she’s like sick. Yeah, I know she is. But it also shows.
I actually found computer today. It’s laptop. I started it and tried to figure out how it works. Turned out that there is wireless net in this house. So like celebrities. What does that mean? It means I can access internet all around the house, well almost, so I can carry computer with me. I’m little scared if someone is missing it, but there’s no personal files in it so I have no idea who it could belong to.
I tried to log into bsb.net but my account had been closed. Can’t understand why! I’ve been helping them so much. Of course it could be that someone, like Giselle, could have told that I’m not with them anymore. Don’t know. Speaking of Giselle, I really miss her. I know I haven’t really appreciated her since I always felt like she was trying to get any information out of me and get closer to Boys. But to be honest, she’s the only one of them who’s been friendly to me after Peach and Pie abandoned me. And after I got this job. But there’s nothing I can do. I know she flew down to States before Boys did and expected to hook up with them down there. I know she most fancies Kevin and I guess her hopes are kind of high. And somehow I wish they wouldn’t bond. I don’t know if it has something to with what happened earlier with Peach and Pie or because I would like to see Kevin back with Kristin or because I don’t want to anyone having anyone because I can’t be with Nick.
It wasn’t this hard when I still saw him everyday! It feels like that what happened that night was just a daydream. I’m having his picture with me all the time. O. says I’m pathetic. I guess I am. And so what? I love him. I LOVE HIM! And every night I pray that he would come back here and make me feel loved again. I know he eventually will come here. Because he knows this is only place where he ever experienced anything real. Question is if I’ll still be here.
But, to get back to the point, they expired my account. So I invented myself another alter ego. I’m guy this time! Meet Cordero, “little lamb”, from Seville. He just happened to be traveling in Portugal while Boys where there and got as an extra to their video and has been big fan since. I know that kind of story doesn’t usually get you as a member but you have no idea what kind of conversations he has overheard! So, even if I would rather forget what happened with me and Nick, speculations are going hard. And I understand why. You just have to see the video to get it. I’m so worshiping in it. Well, most of it. And to be part of The BSB Family once again I have to leak gossip or two sometimes. Bad thing is that Cordero has started to get Spanish e-mails from girls in Seville, who can’t believe that guy could be fan. I think he needs to move. To some little village no one has ever heard of.
No one knows that much of Boys. They are doing little promotion tour but it should be over by next Tue when they go to TRL. Oh, I wish I could be in New York. I love that city. Only two days at the time. But those two days it’s as charming as anything can be. Solitude in here gets stressing. In the evenings lights are so distant you believe you’re only one in the whole wide world. Can’t remember when I’ve seen stars so bright last time. If you don’t count Nick, of course.

SUN – Something really strange happened yesterday! I went down to town, even if I was little worried leaving O. for that long time. Turned out later that she had slept trough my trip. But anyway, I went to town. It’s hard to be there because I don’t want to make number out of being foreigner. And for obvious reason they take me as their country fellow. So I just smile and nod and say “si” when I need to.
I went to eat to this little restaurant. There was a man so big you wouldn’t believe even if you’d see him. Place was called Pablo’s so I guess that’s his name. I ordered food, not quite sure what I would get, but it was good anyway. But then when it came to bill I had no money with me! I had some dollars which I tried to offer him but he didn’t take them. I explained and explained and explained but he wouldn’t listen. I guess he didn’t understand word I said. That’s when I decided to get dictionary. I mean reading e-mails Cordero takes a long time but at least I get some help from internet. But even if I have lap-top doesn’t mean I can carry it all around.
Then this HUGE man grabbed me and took me back to the kitchen. I was so scared, I almost started to cry. He just pointed out pile of plates and gave me rag. So I cleaned those up. It was damn hot back there but I couldn’t complain. Or I actually did but he just smiled and chuckled. At some point I wasn’t afraid of him anymore, don’t know why. I just didn’t.
After I was finished he clapped his hands and gave me money. It wasn’t much but it was something. Then he said what I think meant Monday (people have so weird accent around here, French were worst but these people certainly get close).

MON – I actually went back there today. Where, you might ask. To Pablo’s. I took my new dictionary with me and went to ask what it was he wanted to say. He cheered me right away and gave me the same rag. I tried to ask if I had fulfilled my duty already but he refused to listen. After cleaning the plates he made me chop something I think was basil. It smelled so good! You forget what food really ought to taste like when you eat pasta out of bag for two weeks.
That’s how long we’ve been here. And I feel lonely. So even if Pablo and I don’t share same language, I feel comfortable with him. At least more that I do with Ophelia. And I love to work! I mean it was nice at first to sleep a lot and wander around the house, swim and play and take all the time you need to do simplest task. Such as cooking pasta. But lately I’ve been really bored. It makes me nervous. I can’t get sleep and then I lie awake listening what Ophelia does up on the roof. And Pablo gave me money again. So it can’t be that bad. Could it? It’s hard to say when I have no one to ask from. Touring with Boys made it possible not to make up your own mind. If you waited long enough someone made decisions for you. And I took full advantage of that. I admit. So now I’m lost and alone. Because O. certainly isn’t much of a companion.
Last night I had a dream that I was in a very dirty house, it was high up, there were dust and dirt all over and sirens outside. It was very frightening. O. was there, barely breathing, just about to jump down. And we were really high, much much higher than in here. It was like Empire State Building high. I tried to stop her but I couldn’t. This morning I woke up thinking what if there really isn’t anything I could do for her. It’s scary thought and makes me miss my mom.
Oh god, now I’m gonna cry. Shit. Well, at least I feel better after. I hope so.

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