BLACK SCREEN

               WE can hear two people in the throes of passion.  Not
               reserved or restrained.  Both are being loud and vocal.  

                                   DIRK (O.S.)
                         Oh Nancy, I've waited for this
                         moment a lifetime.

                                   NANCY (O.S.)
                         Oh Dirk!  I'm yours.  YOURS!

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:



               INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

               A clean, polished patient room.  A white shade surrounds one
               of the beds.  Behind the shade are two shadows, intertwined
               as they make love. 

                                   DIRK
                         Nancy, I love you so much.  

                                   NANCY
                         I love you too Dirk!  

               As they reach their climax, both let out primal YELLS that
               reverberate off the walls.   The shadows collapse and the
               shade is drawn back. 

               Leaning back, arms crossed behind his head is DR. DIRK BANNER
               (Bruce Campbell), suave, manly and good looking.  Cradled on
               his chest is NANCY, a hot, blond nurse. (The kind you NEVER
               see in a hospital.)

                                   NANCY (cont'd)
                         Oh my God, Dirk.  You were
                         fantastic!

                                   DIRK
                         I know.  Some talents you're just
                         born with. 

                                   NANCY
                         I can't believe I've only been here
                         a couple of weeks.  I feel like
                         I've known you all my life. 

                                   DIRK
                         I've had my eye on you ever since
                         you walked in the door.  Well, I
                         guess our 'break' is over.  We'd
                         better get back to work.

                                   OLD PATIENT (O.S.)
                         Then can I go back to sleep?

               They both look over and see an elderly man hooked up to
               machines in the bed next to them. 

                                   DIRK
                         Sorry about that.  I thought you
                         were dead.



               INT. PATIENT FLOOR - HOSPITAL - DAY

               Dirk and Nancy, both fully dressed, step out of the room into
               the flurry of activity on the hospital floor. 

                                   NANCY
                         So...Dr. Banner...would you like to
                         go to dinner tonight?

                                   DIRK
                         Sorry Nina.

                                   NANCY
                         Nancy.

                                   DIRK
                         Nancy, right. I just don't think
                         it's gonna work out. 

                                   NANCY
                         You're...dumping me? 

                                   DIRK
                         Sort of.  You're fired. 

               He walks to the Nurse's station, leaving her dumbfounded. 
               Sitting at the station is BRENDA, the head nurse.   

                                   DIRK (cont'd)
                         Hey Brenda.  Would you make sure
                         Nancy's locker is cleaned out in
                         fifteen minutes?  Oh, and put a
                         notice up for another nurse.

                                   BRENDA
                         Only took you two weeks this time,
                         huh Dr. Banner?

                                   DIRK
                         My average is getting better by the
                         day. 

               Nancy lets out a ear-shattering angry SCREAM.  Dirk puts his
               finger to his lips. 

                                   DIRK (cont'd)
                         Shhhh...patients are sleeping.

               He walks triumphantly down the hall.  Brenda heads over to
               Nancy, who shakes in anger.

                                   BRENDA
                         I'm sorry honey.  I warned ya. 

                                   NANCY
                         I don't care how long it takes. 
                         I'm gonna get him.



               EXT. MAIN HOSPITAL ENTRANCE - DAY

               DR. JAJUAN EATES (Samuel L. Jackson) paces outside, glancing
               at his watch.  Dirk steps outside and lights a cigarette.  He
               walks over to Jajuan and they shake hands warmly.

                                   DIRK
                         Dr. Eates.  Thought you clocked out
                         an hour ago?

                                   JAJUAN
                         My wife's late.  If she doesn't
                         hurry, we're gonna miss the
                         meeting. 

                                   DIRK
                         Meeting? 

                                   JAJUAN
                         That same old crap.  Kenneth
                         Crapsworth has been trying to take
                         over the ice cream stores for
                         years.

                                   DIRK
                         But Eates Ice Cream is a staple in
                         this town.  

               There's a WHISTLING and suddenly there's a bloody SPLAT right
               in front of them.  They both look down.  It's a heart, still
               trying to beat. 

                                   SURGEON (O.S.)
                         Yo!  Little help?

               Dirk picks up the heart and tosses it up to the second story
               window where a surgeon catches it and salutes his thanks. 

                                   JAJUAN
                         The shop's struggling for money
                         these days.  It may not be too long
                         before I have to consider his
                         offer. 

               A sleek convertible BMW roars up the circular drive right
               towards them.  It SQUEALS as the brakes are slammed on, but
               it still taps both doctors on the knees.  They YELP in pain.

               A long pair of legs steps out of the car. They belong to
               RACHEL LEECH (Nicole Kidman).  She presses a button on her
               keychain and her car door shuts, catching her coat and
               ripping it.  

               Paying no mind, she struts up to Dirk. 

                                   RACHEL
                         I was hoping to catch you here.  I
                         wanted to serve you this myself.

               She shoves a manila envelope in his hands. 

                                   DIRK
                         What is this?

                                   RACHEL
                         Why don't you figure it out?

                                   DIRK
                             (reading)
                         You're suing me for sexual
                         harassment?  But you seduced me!

                                   RACHEL
                         Prove it. 

               She turns to go back to her car.  She presses the button to
               open the door, but it doesn't work.  She keeps walking,
               pounding on the button.  Suddenly --

               The door flies open, hitting her square across the stomach. 
               She flips over the door, landing on her back.  Without a
               word, she stands, gets in the car and drives away. 

               Another car comes speeding up.  The curvy figure of MAYA EATE
               (Vivica A. Fox) steps out and hugs Jajuan.  

                                   MAYA 
                         Hi baby.  Sorry I'm late.
                             (spots Dirk, seductive)
                         Hello, Dr. Banner.

                                   JAJUAN
                         You two have met?

                                   DIRK
                         We've...bumped into each other. 

                                   MAYA
                             (changing the subject)
                         C'mon honey.  We're late.

               She and Jajuan get in the car and drive away.  Dirk takes a
               last drag on his cigarette and is about to walk in when --

               Another loud, juicy SPLAT.  A liver has fallen on the ground
               in front of him.  He looks up to the Surgeon leaning out the
               window.

                                   SURGEON
                         Sorry.  Do you mind?

               Dirk sighs and tosses the liver back up.  As he walks back
               in, he mutters --

                                   DIRK
                         Amateurs. 



               EXT. CRAPSWORTH ESTATE - DAY

               An enormous sprawling mansion that seems to go on for miles. 
               The landscaping is ridiculously lavish with imported palm
               trees that look completely out of place.



               INT. LANDING - CRAPSWORTH ESTATE - DAY

               KENNETH CRAPSWORTH (Michael Douglas) walks confidently down
               the curved staircase.  He stumbles on the last couple of
               steps, but recovers quickly.



               INT. LIVING ROOM - CRAPSWORTH ESTATE - DAY

               Sitting on the couch is SISSY CRAPSWORTH (Tara Reid) wearing
               a satin robe.  She paints her toenails while she watches TV,
               where an 'Entertainment Weekly' type show is on. 

               ON TV

               The host appears with a picture of Sissy over his shoulder. 

                                   HOST
                         Once again Sissy Crapsworth,
                         daughter of billionaire Kenneth
                         Crapsworth, has made headlines when
                         yet ANOTHER sex videotape has begun
                         circulating on the internet. 

               Video plays showing Sissy naked with black bars strategically
               covering her privates.  She frolics on the bed with a man
               whose identity WE can't yet see.

               BACK TO SCENE

               Kenneth walks past and sighs when he sees the TV.

                                   SISSY
                         I don't know how these things keep
                         happening.

                                   HOST
                             (from TV)
                         This is the fifth time in the last
                         two years that Sissy Crapsworth's
                         sexual escapades have been publicly
                         circulated, but this time it's
                         available on DVD with commentary by
                         Sissy and multi-angle perspective. 

                                   KENNETH
                         Do you have to keep doing that
                         sweetie?

                                   SISSY
                         But Daddy, it's like my life can't
                         be private anymore.

               Now WE can see that a camera crew is in the corner, taping
               everything.  Sissy smiles at them in a pose.  She maneuvers
               her arm and her robe slips down, exposing her breast.

                                   SISSY (cont'd)
                         Oops!

               The cameramen all reel back in disgust at the sight of her
               breast.

                                   CAMERAMAN
                         Oh gross!  You'd think she could
                         afford good plastic surgery!  Let's
                         go.

               They turn the cameras off and walk out.  Kenneth just sighs
               and follows.



               INT. FOYER - CRAPSWORTH MANSION - DAY

               Kenneth picks up the paper from an end table and reads as he
               walks.  He passes by MARLA CRAPSWORTH (Teri Hatcher), who
               smiles warmly.

                                   KENNETH
                         Good morning honey. 

                                   MARLA
                         Good morning Kenneth.

               As he turns away, her smile changes to a sneer.  He heads for
               the front door. 

                                   KENNETH
                         I'm late for my meeting.  Gotta go.

                                   MARLA
                         Be careful.

               He opens the front door, but as it swings back -- his son,
               JONATHAN CRAPSWORTH (Ethan Embry) calls out.

                                   JONATHAN
                         Hey Dad!  

               Kenneth turns back, just in time to avoid an axe that swings
               down from above the door frame and buries itself in the oak
               door. 

               He looks back, surprised.

                                   KENNETH
                         Now who would leave an axe above
                         the doorframe like that? 
                             (to Marla)
                         Marla honey, would you mind to tell
                         the gardeners to be more careful?

               Marla looks positively enraged, but then smiles.  Kenneth
               looks at the elaborate trap, then turns back.

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         You know what?  I don't think this
                         was an accident. 
                             (to Jonathan)
                         What did you need son?

                                   JONATHAN
                         Can I get a ride to the doctor? 

                                   KENNETH
                         Sure thing. 

               Jonathan heads out.  Kenneth turns back to Marla. 

                                   KENNETH
                         Make sure the gardeners don't leave
                         anymore of their homemade burglar
                         traps around, okay?

               He pecks her on the cheek and walks out.  As the door closes
               behind him --

               Marla screams in anger and pulls out a butcher knife from the
               nearby kitchen counter.  She throws it as hard as she can.



               EXT. CRAPSWORTH ESTATE - DAY

               The door shuts and Kenneth stops as he hears a THUMP.  He
               shrugs it off and continues.  Behind him, a knife blade
               protrudes from the door.

               INT. HOSPITAL EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY

               Dr. Dirk Banner walks into an examination room. We see that a
               man, MITCHELL FARTNELL (Jason Ritter) is waiting for him.
               Mitchell is good looking and appears to be in his early to
               mid twenties. Banner approaches him.

                                   DIRK
                         So what seems to be the problem?

               Dirk looks over and sees a sheep sitting on the examination
               table. 

                                   DIRK
                         What the hell is that?

                                   MITCHELL
                         This is my wife.

                                   DIRK
                         It's a sheep.

                                   MITCHELL
                         You have to look deeper than that.

                                   DIRK
                             (long pause)
                         It's a sheep.

                                   MITCHELL
                         It's Daisy.  My wife! 

                                   DIRK
                         I would have remembered sleeping
                         with that.

                                   MITCHELL
                         What?

                                   DIRK
                         Nothing.  Look, do I need to call a
                         psychologist or would you like me
                         to refer you to a discreet vet?

                                   MITCHELL
                         Daisy died two years ago.  This is
                         her. Reincarnated.  Just look in
                         her eyes.  Can't you see it?

               Dirk stares the sheep in the eye and both look blankly at
               each other. 

                                   DIRK
                         It's a sheep.

                                   MITCHELL
                         Look, I didn't come here to be
                         disrespected!

                                   DIRK
                         Okay, okay.  When did you make this
                         discovery?

                                   MITCHELL
                         I was driving down a country road
                         and I passed this farm.  I looked
                         out across the open field and saw
                         her.  We locked eyes...and I just
                         knew it was her.  Look, I realize
                         that this is 'outside the box'
                         thinking, but I know in my heart
                         that this is my Daisy.  All I ask
                         is that you treat her just like any
                         other female patient.

                                   DIRK
                         So I should have sex with it and
                         never call it again?

               Mitchell shakes his head at this and places Daisy on the
               table.

                                   DIRK (cont'd)
                         Ok, so what seems to be the
                         problem?  What's wrong with Daisy?

                                   MITCHELL
                         Well she hasn't really been acting
                         like herself lately. She's been
                         really slow and sluggish lately.

                                   DIRK
                         Well let's get this examination
                         underway.

               Dirk begins to examine Daisy. He feels around Daisy's lower
               belly and she groans in pain.   

                                   DIRK (cont'd)
                         Hmm...I'm going to have to check
                         back end.  Help her up.

               Mitchell lifts Daisy to a standing position and Dirk stands
               back behind her.  He takes his pen light and shines it
               straight on, grimacing at the smell and sight.  

               But then he grows curious.  He reaches in -- there's a loud
               SLURPING as he digs deeper.  Daisy's eyes go wide. 

               Dirk emerges with a slime covered dildo.  Once he sees what
               it is, he freaks out drops it on the table.  He looks to
               Mitchell, eyes wild.

                                   MITCHELL
                             (shrugs)
                         So she's a little kinky.

               INT. BEDROOM - DAY

               We see a couple making out on a nice bed. The first is AUGGIE
               MEYER (James Marsters) who speaks in a heavy Australian
               accent and is very good looking. He appears to be the bad boy
               type. 

               The other is TAWNY EATE (Gabrielle Union) who looks to be in
               her late twenties and is one of the sexiest women ever. They
               continue to heavily make out. The TV blares in the
               background.

                                   AUGGIE
                             (Heavy Australian accent)
                         Oh baby!

                                   TAWNY
                         Yeah, you like that?

                                   AUGGIE
                         Oh yeah.

               They continue to make out as we focus in on what's going on
               the TV. We see a NEWSCASTER talking about a sex tape.

                                   NEWSCASTER
                         Sissy Crapsworth, daughter of
                         Kenneth Crapsworth has made yet
                         another risque sex tape. This tape
                         is by far her raciest ever. I don't
                         mind saying that I'd love to hit
                         that. 
                             (hears someone off screen)
                         How many men?
                             (turns back to the camera)
                         I retract my last statement.

               We see pictures of Auggie and Sissy in compromising positions
               on the TV. Tawny turns to Auggie.

                                   TAWNY
                         Oh hell no!

                                   AUGGIE
                         No, that's not me, I swear.  You
                         know you're the only girl for me. 

                                   TAWNY
                         That is you!

                                   AUGGIE
                         That could be a lot of guys.

               We keep watching the TV as they play a piece of the tape. We
               hear the same "Oh baby" remark from Auggie on the tape in his
               thick Australian accent. Auggie looks at Tawny with guilt.

                                   AUGGIE
                         It could be a lot of Australian
                         guys. 



               EXT. EATE HOUSE - DAY

               Tawny shoves Auggie out, buck naked and slams the door. 
               Auggie backs up, screaming up at the window. 

                                   AUGGIE
                         TAWNY!! BABY!  PLEASE FORGIVE ME! 
                         C'MON BABY!  MY BUTT'S GETTING
                         GOOSEBUMPS!

               But he doesn't get an answer.

               A mailman with his short sleeves rolled up and wearing a pink
               bandana walks by -- Obviously flaming gay.   He sees the bare
               bottomed Auggie.

                                   MAILMAN
                         Boy, this job sure has it's perks. 

               Auggie sees him and reluctantly turns.

                                   AUGGIE
                         Can I get a lift?

                                   MAILMAN
                         It'll cost you.

               Auggie weighs his options, then hangs his head.

                                   AUGGIE
                         Okay.

               He trudges off with the mailman, who joyfully gives him a
               little pat on the butt.



               EXT. CRAPSWORTH PLAZA - DAY

               The mighty skyscraper overlooks the empire of the Crapsworth
               family.  A lavish mall is nearby with a restaurant attached. 
               As WE get CLOSER, the sign comes into focus.   

               The restaurant sign reads: SHITE'.  However, the neon on part
               of the sign flickers, taking off the "E'". Now the sign just
               reads: SHIT.  

               WE CLIMB higher and higher up the skyscraper, all the way to
               the top floor where a CONFERENCE ROOM is encased in windows. 
               WE GLIDE through the glass to --



               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CRAPSWORTH BUILDING - DAY

               Jajaun and Maya sit at one end of the table while Kenneth and
               Rachel sit at the other.  She shuffles through a pile of
               contracts and legal briefs while he stares down blankly,
               hands in his lap. 

                                   RACHEL
                         As you can see, the offer that Mr.
                         Crapsworth has made for the Eate
                         Ice Cream chain is quite generous. 

               She slides the contracts down to Jajuan, who skeptically
               looks it over. 

                                   JAJUAN
                         On the surface it looks nice.  But
                         I don't read the fine print too
                         well and I know there's gonna be
                         something in there to screw me
                         over.

                                   KENNETH
                             (still looking down)
                         I'm gonna OWN your ass.

               Jajuan and Maya both go wide-eyed in surprise.  Kenneth
               doesn't seem to even notice.  Rachel looks over and now can
               see --

               Kenneth has a GAMEBOY in his lap and was talking to it, and
               not the Eates.  

                                   MAYA
                         Excuse me? 

                                   KENNETH
                         Bend over and take it like a man.

               He's still talking to the GAMEBOY.  Rachel snatches it away
               and he looks at her angrily.

                                   RACHEL
                         Mr. Crapsworth.  Playtime's over. 
                         You're in a meeting.

               Kenneth takes in his surroundings.  He stands, straightens
               his suit and smiles warmly at the Eates, who look furious. 

                                   KENNETH
                         Good morning.
                             (turns to Rachel, hushed
                              tone)
                         You better give that back to me
                         after this stupid meeting.  I'll
                         throw a tantrum, I swear to God I
                         will. 
                             (turns back to the Eates)
                         Now where were we? 

                                   MAYA
                         The merger. 

                                   KENNETH
                         Ah yes.  

               He lowers a projection screen and picks up a remote. 

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         I've prepared a little
                         presentation.

               He clicks on the projector.  A picture of him in full bondage
               gear fills the screen.  Without flinching, he clicks off the
               projector.

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         My apologies.  Wrong presentation.

               Rachel, Maya and Jajuan, just sit, mouths agape.  He makes
               some adjustments and clicks the projector back on.  Now a
               picture of a Shite' restaurant appears.

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         As you know, my chain of Shite'
                         restaurants are the biggest in the
                         world.

                                   RACHEL
                         Country.

                                   KENNETH
                         Country -- right.  
                             (clicks to a picture of an
                              Eate ice cream store)
                         And your chain of Eate's Ice Cream
                         Stores is the biggest in the world.

                                   RACHEL
                         Country.

                                   KENNETH
                         Whatever.  I have a vision.  A
                         vision of unity, a vision of
                         strength, a vision of a thousand
                         Thailand hookers at my every beck
                         and call, a vision we can all
                         share.  

               He walks to a table covered by a cloth.  He whips the cover
               off, revealing a model of a massive restaurant.

                                   KENNETH (cont'd)
                         The biggest chain of eateries the
                         world has ever seen.

                                   RACHEL
                         COUNTRY!

                                   KENNETH
                         The entire COUNTRY will want to
                         dine at EATE SHITE'!

               He clicks a switch and flashing sign appears over the
               restaurant that reads: EATE SHITE'.  

                                   JAJUAN
                         That truly is a generous offer Mr.
                         Crapsworth.  But my wife and I will
                         need time to think it over. 

               They stand and are about to leave when --

                                   RACHEL
                         Please do.  But we've looked at
                         your financial records and there
                         may be a time that we don't
                         give....we'll take. 

               Jajuan and Maya glare as they leave.  Rachel walks up to
               Kenneth.

                                   KENNETH
                         Can I have my GAMEBOY back now? 

                                   RACHEL
                         In a minute.  I've received some
                         information that TIE DYE INC has
                         been snooping around some of our
                         businesses.  We need to be careful
                         of a takeover. 

                                   KENNETH
                         You leave that in my hands. 

                                   RACHEL
                         I guess so.  But what will you do
                         about them? 

                                   KENNETH
                         What?  The GAMEBOY, I meant the
                         GAMEBOY.  Leave it my hands.

               Rachel sighs and hands it over.

               INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - DAY

               Jonathan sits down in the hospital waiting room. POLLY GOODIN
               (Parker Posey) sits across from him. Polly is in her early
               thirties and is one of the sweetest women in the world. It
               appears that she is pregnant. She turns to Jonathan.

                                   POLLY
                         So why are you here?

                                   JONATHAN
                             (teary eyed)
                         My hangnail hurts. It hurts!

               She takes his hand and looks at it.

                                   POLLY
                         It's not so bad. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         My Mommy wouldn't help me. 

                                   POLLY
                         Sorry to hear that. 

                                   JONATHAN
                             (looking at Polly's belly)
                         So when are you due?

                                   POLLY
                         I'm just fat. Really fat.

                                   JONATHAN
                         Dammit!  I always fall for that!  

                                   POLLY
                             (laughs)
                         I'm kidding. I really am pregnant.

                                   JONATHAN
                         You are very naughty. 
                             (looks around)
                         Didn't your husband come? 

               Polly doesn't answer.

                                   JONATHAN (cont'd)
                         Oh I'm sorry. It's really none of
                         my business.

                                   POLLY
                         It's okay. I'm not married. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         I'm sorry about that.  I tend to
                         sometimes blurt out things before I
                         think them through. 

                                   POLLY
                         I understand.

                                   JONATHAN
                         So who knocked you up?
                             (sees her reaction)
                         Dammit!  I did it again!

                                   POLLY
                         It's all right.  The father
                         couldn't be here.  He's...really
                         far away. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         What, like in another state?

                                   POLLY
                         Not quite.  From another planet. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         Wow, you're really a headcase.
                             (realizes what he's said)
                         DAMMIT!  I'm sorry.

                                   POLLY
                         It's a hard thing to accept.  It
                         was a hard thing for me to deal
                         with.  But I can't deny it
                         happened.

                                   JONATHAN
                         Sounds a little X-Files-ish to me. 

                                   POLLY
                         It was like a wonderful dream.  I
                         was at a friend's party when I
                         suddenly felt very sleepy, so I
                         went to find a place to lay down. 
                         I went to back bedroom and tried to
                         sleep, but then all of a sudden, a
                         bright light suddenly shined down
                         on me.  I --couldn't move.  I was
                         paralyzed.  Then I felt the alien's
                         hands all over me.  There was --
                         warm and slimy liquid -- then I
                         passed out.  I don't remember much
                         after that, but then I found out I
                         was pregnant.  

                                   JONATHAN
                         What an interesting story.

               He moves down one seat and rolls his eyes.  The nurse enters.

                                   NURSE
                         Jonathan Crapsworth. 

                                   JONATHAN
                         Why don't you see her first? 

               As Polly heads back, Jonathan makes the 'crazy' sign to the
               Nurse.