Dear Online Diary
FYI, recent entries will make more sense if you have read the previous ones!
1 September 2004
Dear Online Diary,
I'm leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again...well, ok, maybe I do know.
But that's a looong time from now, like a whole year. That's right - Fifi's going on exchange! What can I say.
I guess hanging around Armando and his exchange buddies really inspired me. I mean, they seemed to have such a great time
and I totally loved letting them in on how people here live. And when they described how life is where they're from,
I felt like I needed...more - like I needed to experience the differences myself. I need to see beyond where my totally
rad hot pink car can take me. Speaking of which, I'm sure I'll be a bit homesick for my car, my best friend Tammy, my fav
shops, and maybe even Wendy. But I'm sure Armando will help me get over that! I am so excited about this.
I've never been this independent. Maybe I'll learn a new language. Oh! Maybe I'll pick up Armando's hot accent!
All I know is I'll be leaving behind phone psychics, former crushes and agonizing embarrassments. The Year of Fifi
officially begins today and won't end until my old ignorant, egotistical self comes back...which is hopefully never. Duh.
I'm not sure what else I should say before I leave, Dear Online Diary, other than I am soooo thankful that I had you
to confide in all these years. I said it in my first entry and I'll say it again: Dear Online Diary, I heart you!
- Fifi
17 March 2004
Dear Online Diary,
I realized today that I am a loser. A total one. Here's the CSI-calibre proof:
- I overdosed on Oprah for two months, which means I've had nil social life.
- I let one stupid date mishap from two months ago peel away at the perpetually fragile skin of my ego, leaving only a melancholy core. Ugh. How poetic.
- My emotional state ranges from rice cake to pound cake; from ultra-bland nothingness to hard-core heaviness. This I learned from re-reading you, Dear Online Diary. I blame others for my misery and obsess over my embarrassments. I mean, it seems like whenever I'm bummed, it's because I think some humongo social injustice has been committed - nay - plotted against me. And when I'm embarrassed, it's just me being selfish...for a very long time. Who really cares about my embarrassments other than ME? Only ME, ME, ME! ME is what I'm about.
But fear not! I also realized today that I have the power to "dis-loser" myself. Yes, that's right.
Today I decided that I would start myself on the path to achieving a strawberry ice-cream emotional state.
I mean, this was supposed to be the "Year of Fifi" and I wasn't going to give up without a fight.
(I guess all that Oprah wasn't a complete waste of time).
So I just did it. I did something.
I grabbed a bag of green pears and speed walked determindly
to Wendy's house. I marched directly to her basement side-door and
knocked. When Armando opened the door, I almost reverted back to Foolish
Fifi and bolted. I mean, why shouldn't I have freaked out when a dozen
of my classmates were staring dumbly at me. Eek. I had walked right into a party. But I kept as much cool as
I could. I handed Armando my offering and nervously joked at my natural ability to captivate an audience.
That display of shameless lameness got me inside. Apparently Wendy was having a St. Patty's Day bash (who knew?).
I had a great time talking with everyone. I hadn't realized that I missed people so much. And after the party...
Armando walked me home. Alone. I wasn't even embarrassed when he told me about the Halle Berry movie I missed on our "non-date".
Ha ha! Triumph!
- Fifi
18 January 2004
Dear Online Diary,
Colour me pink with embarrassment. Make that magenta. I don't think I'll
ever be able to leave my room - which would be tragic because
I don't get cell coverage in there. My "date" with
Armando yesterday was a total Titanic. It started
with me (still) freaking out about whether it was actually a date,
all because of my shameful unworldy ability to understand his accent.
So in a typical Foolish Fifi moment, I sped in my totally rad
hot pink car to my best friend Tammy's house and
forced her to come with me. Tammy was way confused and totally
peeved that she didn't get to change out of her sweats. But I needed her
- I mean, what if it turned out to be one of those horrid "group
dates"? Once at the MegaPlex, I left Tammy in the car and discreetly
peeked in the lobby to see who else was with Armando. My heart did
a cannonball. Not only were Wendy and her boyfriend there, but so
were half a dozen other people! The 'others' had complexions like Armando's
- his exchange student friends, probably. I grrred all the way
back to the car to fetch Tammy. When we were inside the theatre,
my Gucci heels froze. Where were
all the group daters? I felt like I
had missed the start of a race or something. Only Armando, in all of
his chiseled glory, was left in
the lobby. He saw me and smiled. Then he saw Tammy
and smiled wider. This sent me into a panic. What if Armando decided
to eye Tammy instead? I mean,
Tammy is like really pretty, even in sweats. I needed to get her out
of there fast. Armando, though, seemed very amused that I had brought
her with me. He
kept looking back and forth between me and Tammy with a mischievous
grin on his face. Ugh. How could he have been thinking that? I felt
like dying of humiliation right there on the buttery carpet. So I
decided that neither Tammy or I would be seeing the new Halle Berry
movie that night: "Omigosh!
Tammy! I totally forgot about our spa appointment! We've had our reservation
for 6 months! Let's GO!" I yanked Tammy away without another
glance at Armando. I had totally blown it. It was supposed to be a
"real date" - just me and him - after all. Now Armando probably thought
I was an idiot...among other things... Oh why hadn't I stocked up
on Häagen-Dazs?
- Fifi
13 January 2004
Dear Online Diary,
If I were the kind of gal who randomly assigned numbers to things, I
would say that right now I am 80% giddy and 25% confused. See, I *think*
I have a date with Armando, but I'm not positive. It's just that I can't
completely...well...I can't understand his accent. Don't get me wrong
- I totally dig how he rolls some letters in his accented English.
It's almost like he's speaking...uh...whatever language it is he
speaks. But just because
I only get like 36% of what comes
from his smoky, textured voice doesn't mean we can't have
a decent conversation. I mean, his magnetic, teasing eyes practically
do all the talking! Besides, I caught the most important
words - I know that when we were flirting he mentioned something
about Saturday night and seeing the new Halle Berry movie at
the MegaPlex. I told him that I really wanted to see it, too. But then
what he
said next I only partly caught: "Wendy and her boyfriend are
___________________." Huh?
What about them? Before I could clarify, Wendy suddenly busted through
the front door and was like, "Fifi! You're early for once!" Then
she dragged me away to her room to finish our history project while
muttering stuff about how it takes a hot dude for me to get excited about
school.
But now I'm left wondering whether Armando and I have a date.
Did we agree to go together? Were we going on a double-date with Wendy
and her boyfriend? Was my presence wanted?? So far, I'm 93% sure that
I'm gonna go with my giddyness and just go for it - just show up at the
MegaPlex on Saturday and see what happens.
- Fifi
11
January 2004
Dear Online Diary,
The Year of Fifi has begun. And it's all thanks to school.
Yeah, right. But really, my giddyness is
all thanks to Wendy...and the smokin' hot exchange student
in her basement! Okay. So there
I was, chilling at the always cool, always trendy Café Latté.
I was sipping my ultra low fat low calorie low carb Colombian
coffee while mentally rating dudes as they strolled by the
window, when suddenly Wendy kicked my leg. Hard. I was like,
"Ow! What gives?" I mean, my mind was in the middle
of a deep debate over whether the buff barista should
be
an
8 or 9 - really important stuff. But Wendy
was like, "Fifi - I rate our history project a 10.
Now could you please try and focus on our project?
I have to leave soon!" Ugh!
Like talk about spilling black nailpolish on our shoddily
manicured relationship. Wendy
and I are like pink and red - best NOT seen together! Sure,
we
used
to be
friends,
but
ever
since
she started dating my ex-Crush...How did she know I was mentally
rating guys anyway? I guess nerdy-types have
ways of
knowing
more
than
just bookish things. So anyway, then I started to anguish
over how stupid I was for so totally bombing history that
I had to stoop to working with Wendy to save my term.
I made sure to pretend to listen to the girl by nodding
at random points
while
she blathered,
like
one
of those wooden
birds that keeps bobbing into a glass of water. Suddenly
Wendy looked up at the window and waved. Then I looked up
at the window...and waved my eyelashes madly at the chiseled
hunk standing outside. I smiled. I
turned to my good side. I flipped
my hair. I was kicked on the
leg. Wendy was like,
"Fifi - listen! So my house. Tuesday. To finish
the project. Got it? I mean, I have to leave now. Armando
and I are heading to a concert." I was shocked: "But
aren't you dating -" Then Wendy said all too nastily, "Fifi,
you know who I'm dating. Armando is an exchange
student who's staying in my basement.
I'm just showing him a good time in the city while he's here." And
with one final smirk, she left Café Latté. And
with butterflies in my stomach, I was left to daydream about
Armando. Dear Online Diary - I am soooo determined to make
him mine!
- Fifi
8 January
2004
Dear Online Diary,
I confess. I've been a terrible, horrible, tasteless girl.
Deep breath: I've been calling Miss Ezra on
a regular basis. I know. I mean, talk about $3.99 a minute
x hours! Yikes. Luckily Daddy's business is doing
well so he's been too giddy to notice my mondo phone bill.
Anyway, so yeah, Miss Ezra. Like I just can't help it. And
I used to think psychics were sooo passé. Ugh. It's
just that ever since Miss Ezra weirded out on me on my birthday
and "predicted" major
happiness in my life, I've been drilling her for more info.
Especially about when my
fun is supposed to fall. So far my life has been the same
blahs
as before;
school is still icky, boys are still Ashton-Kutcher-Immature,
and my best friend Tammy is still her boring self. The only
coolness left in my life is my everlasting totally
rad hot pink car. Total sigh. This year, my resolution will
be to have tons more fun,
with or without
any "predictions".
Yesiree. This will be the Year of Fifi. Uh huh, fer total
sureness. You just wait,
world! Nothing will stand in the way of me and my Gucci shoes!!!
- Fifi
26
July
2003
Dear Online Diary,
*Rolls eyes* Sheesh. I mean, yeah, I know that my best
friend Tammy can be cheap sometimes, especially when she's
buying shoes, but gosh, for me - on my birthday??
Puh-leeze! So yesterday she was like over at my house for
a sleepover bash. You know, for a total gal's gab-fest and
makeover madness. After I got bored (ok, maybe jealous)
from
flipping through photos of fab celebs in YM, I was totally
ready for presents. Man, was I bummed. Like I was already
suspicious when she came over without a hulking wrapped box.
So then I was expecting some lame-o gift certificate, but
NO - it was worse. Yeah, I know. So Tammy handed me her
cell and was like, "Here." I was like, "Here,
what?"
She was like, "Call Miss Ezra on me. Happy Birthday!"
Oh gosh. I totally couldn't believe what a crappy gift that
was. I mean, HELLO!! Psychic hotlines are soooo 2001! But
I called anyway. After like 5 minutes of cheesy, wispy, on-hold
music, I was finally directed to Miss Ezra. (I could tell
that Tammy was über annoyed at the long wait - especially
at $3.99 a minute). "Which
of Fifi's life mysteries may I unravel?" whispered Miss
Ezra. I whispered back, "I don't care. Just like pick
one." She was really p.o.ed after I said that. She hissed
back: "Okay, Missy. Oh, it is eerily
clear...yes. I see green - yes - mounds of putrid green.
And - oh my...the stench...eck. Oh! How strange...why would
such a handsome young man drive such a repulsive car?" At
this point I was majorly shocked: "Have you been reading
my Dear Online Diary?? That stuff happened last year! Wow!
My fan base has totally grown!"
And then I like snapped back to my senses: "Hey - don't
tell me
my past.
Future, lady! Not that I'll believe you anyway." She hissed
back even
hissier, "You're a saucy one, aren't you? Well, your future...hmm...what?
How can this be?" She stopped suddenly as if in shock
and then said in a majorly whiny voice: "Oh jeez. I actually
see you laughing...a lot...like you're having...fun.
Ech. Disgusting. Hopefully I'm wrong about that like I usually
am. Er - no. I mean...goodbye." Click. I was totally weirded
out by that response. But whatever. Lame psychic phonies.
- Fifi
19
March 2003
Dear Online Diary,
How can I express my bummer mood? With a poem, duh! Ahem...
Woe
is oh so me!
Ugh! I'm totally failing geography!
And now I'm harsh grounded for Spring Break -
Kiss boarding goodbye...oh the mondo ache!
I was like,"But Mummy, can't you cut me a little slack??"
She was like,"Not if you can't tell the difference between
Iran and Iraq!"
Now Tammy gets to hog all the super cool dudes,
While my only company is my icky, blechy mood.
But at least I still have my totally rad hot pink car!
Oh...wait...The Mom took my keys...this week I won't be going
far...
Woe is oh so me!
Pity me! Pity me! Pity me!
- Fifi
22
December 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!! Kids are like soooooooo never going to be
in my future! Ick! Ick times a zillion! I majorly hate
being an elf! A volunteer elf. At the mall! Ugh! I
know!! Volunteer. That concept was like most definitely
invented by some goody-goody scout dude. And elf. Ugh!
Red and green are soooo not my colours! They like harsh -
and I mean harsh - clash with my totally rad hot pink
car!! I know! But the kids. Triple Ugh. If I'd known
that kids were such mucho pains, I would've totally worked
waaay harder at getting out of this. But nooo, The Mother
insisted that I earn my presents this year and appreciate
the spirit of giving blah blah blah. As if dressing like a
freak with bad makeup in front of all mall-goers will get
me everything on my Totally
Final Want-List! I mean, hello?!! Okay, so like today,
Icky Kid #6 gazillion did the
major gross-out event of my life - he puked! But not
on my shoes - noooo, thank gosh - on Santa's! But get
this - I had to clean them! Ewwwww!!! I know!! Santa
(aka Mr. Supervisor) was like, "Ho ho - oh no! Elf Fifi,
clean these shoes now! Thanks! You're such a peach." Okay,
so like he didn't say the last sentence, but he totally should've
'cuz those shoes were nasty! I mean, puke
aside, those shoes were a first-rate fashion faux pas. Pleather
boots. Yeah, I know! Like talk about pyromaniac fuel! Ugh!!!!
So I wiped them down. But I was in such a p.o.ed mood, that
when I gave them back, I said sooo sweetly: "Here, man.
They still smell funky, but they're shiny! You know, I think
it's super how old, fat dudes like you can get a teensy
bit of respect once a year! Merry Christmas!" And then
I totally bolted! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Santa, baby, hurry
down the chimney tonight!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
- Fifi
29
August 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Golly! Like you have no idea how super sweet my day tuned out!
Okay, like I think I finally realized that exercise really is
good for you! Like really good! Okay, so like waaay
early at noon my best friend Tammy busted into my room and
dragged
me to go jogging. Ick. I know! But she was like totally cruel: "I
am sooooo majorly sick of you whining about that dude you
liked! So let's jog! Like besides, you could totally lose
those two extra pounds." Geez, you could not believe how
cheesed off I was: "But it's noon! It's totally hot outside!"
And Tammy was like, "Well duh! Did you think I'd run and
sweat and look icky in front of zillions of morning joggers??
Like, do you know how many cute guys jog at 6:00AM??
I mean, Hello!" So I like went with her, but I was a major
grouch. I mean, if a gal's got a totally rad hot pink car
to
zoom around in, why would she ever think about running?? Ew!
I know! Anyhoo, as we were like jogging around, I suddenly
got
a mondo stomach cramp and totally crumbled with an "Eek!".
And then - Dear Online Diary you will totally not believe
this - I saw him!!! Yes, my ex-Crush!!! He was
like leaving his house across the street, but get this...HE
WAS WEARING A "DIRK'S DONUTS" UNIFORM!!! I know!
I mean, wasn't his sales clerk job bad enough? I like thought
my mouth couldn't hang open any wider until I saw
the car he got into. And let me tell you - wait, I like need
to take a totally big breath - it was...it was...really ugly!
And old! But not old in like that cool retro way, just really
yucky old. Ugh!!! And you know what?? He saw me in my sweat
and rags - because I like had to call out,"Make
it a decaf!" Boy, was he a total tomato of embarrassment!
Then I took off after Tammy. I was like sooooooo giddy! I totally
don't know what I ever saw in that guy! I mean, that job! And
that car! I totally deserve better, right? Totally!
- Fifi
2
July 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Like. Major. Whoa. Totally. Okay.
Like breathe...like calm down, Fifi! Aghhhhh!!!
Diary, I am like sooooooo majorly p.o.ed at what happened yesterday
at my Crush's beach party. Make that my ex-Crush's
beach party. Yup, you like heard me. Ex.
So like this is what happened...The day had already started
out unawesome - I weighed myself and I had only lost 8 pounds
in two months! 8 pounds?! I know! I totally
couldn't believe that my "Zilch Carbos Diet"
didn't work! Ugh!!!! That meant I couldn't wear
my brand new swim suit since it would only look stylin' if
I
lost 10 pounds! I know! Like talk about adding
glow to the blemish! Ugh! So Diary, you totally
can't blame me for wanting to bail on the party like right
then and
there. But then I like told myself over and over, "Must
see Crush, Must see Crush." So I like settled on
a year-old cute pink bikini and like floored it to the beach
in my totally rad hot pink car! Ok. So after those
2 harsh disasters were done, I felt like nothing else could
go wrong. Like totally wrong. Ugh. Diary,
what happened next is sooooo hard for me to write...ugh.
Ok. So I like arrived at the party, with 100% smiles
and perkiness, just for my Crush. So then he spotted
me and I was like "Hi!" And then he was like
all smiles and he said, "Hi, Fifi!" But THEN,
suddenly his face went all frowny and he was like...get THIS: "Hey!
Where's Wendy?" My brain went totally cosmo.
I said, "What?" And he said,"Yeah, I was
kinda hoping you'd bring Wendy." I was soooooooo
knocked out. I mean, Wendy??? All I could
think of to say was,"Oh, she like has cramps." He
looked sooooooo disappointed. Ugh. And then like the rest
of the party was soooooo horrible! All
I could do was think about him liking her. For
the first time in my life, Dear Online Diary, I left a party
early.
I know. Like major bummer. I like NEVER want to
see him ever again. Ugh. Double Ugh.
- Fifi
27
April 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Eeeek! Okay, so like "Helllooooo Spring!" You would totally not
believe how stoked I was yesterday when the sun squeaked through
the sunroof of my totally rad hot
pink car! I was like, eeeek!!! That means beach time
is like soooooo near! And then, omigawsh, it totally hit
me....I need a new swim suit! Like Ack! I mean,
how can a girl survive the beach with only 6 swim suits???
I know!!! Like you need at least one for each day of the
week! Der! So like I totally floored it to my friend
Wendy's so we could go shopping. Well, Wendy isn't totally
a friend, but like I couldn't bring my best friend Tammy with
me because Tammy is like really pretty. And like everyone knows
that when you go swim suit shopping, you can't bring a friend
who's prettier than you. So anyway, Wendy and I hit my
favourite
store. But THEN....Gawsh...You would totally not believe
my embarrassment! Guess who the sales clerk was? It
was my CRUSH!!! You know, the hot babe I tripped in front
of in November?? Yeah, I know!!! So I like froze.
I mean, what could I do? I mean, I couldn't try on swim suits
in front of him because I had just started my diet. So I
shoved Wendy in front of me and said "Ok Wendy. You
go try on swim suits and I'll help you pick one." She
was like soooo confused, but at least she did what I said.
Anyway, so like while Wendy tried on swim suits, I got to flirt
with my crush. And guess what??? He like invited me
to his summer beach party! Eeeek! But now I only have
like 2 months to find a new favourite store and buy a swim suit
and lose 10 pounds!!! Like eek!!! Dear Online Diary,
I will soooo definitely keep you updated!
- Fifi
29
January 2002
Dear Online Diary,
Okay. So like yesterday I was like you know, like soooo
jazzed!!! It was like, THE best day of MY life!!! I mean, "hello?",
how many times in a gal's life does she get to meet her totally
favourite singer??? I KNOW!!! It was like THE most unreal
experience EVER, except it was real!!! Like EEEK!!! Ok.
So, this is like what happened: Yesterday, after my best friend
Tammy and I cut English class,
we decided to like cruise downtown in my totally rad hot pink
car. And THEN, when we were at like a red light, Tammy
punches my arm. And I'm like "Ouch"! Then
I like look at her and she's like totally zoned out, ya know?
I mean her eyes were like wide open and her mouth was just hanging
there. Not to mention her nails needed a maniucure (but
that like totally deserves its own diary post!). Anyway,
so I like say to Tammy, "Gawsh Tammy. You like know
that look is sooo not flattering." And then she
like points to the car beside us. I took a look and
was sooo totally floored at who I saw....it was...wait for
it....Mandy
Moore! I KNOW!!! She was like cruising in her totally
rad baby blue convertible! EEEK! I KNOW!!! So
I was like "OMIGOSH!!!!" And like I think like
I waved to her but then my brain was so totally buzzed that
I
like don't remember much of what happened after. Wow.
I know. Mandy Moore. I will like NEVER forget yesterday,
Dear Online Diary. Like never.
- Fifi
28
November 2001
Dear Online Diary,
Wow! What a neat day!
- Fifi
10
November 2001
Dear Online Diary,
Omigosh! Like, I had the like most awful horrible week EVER! On
Monday, I had this like awful horrible exam that I like didn't
know hardly any of the answers to, you know? And THEN,
on Tuesday, I like stepped out of my like totally rad hot
pink car,
but I like, tripped RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CRUSH!!! Like
omigosh!
I know! So, like Dear Online Diary, I am sooo like totally
glad that I have you to like confide in. Dear Online
Diary, I heart you!
- Fifi
Copyright � 2004 Fifi's Abyss. All rights reserved blah blah blah.