She stood in the fading glow of Life Stream, her tragically pale face fading from shock to worry. Taking an almost unnoticeable step towards Cloud, her wine red eyes flicked back from the ruin of Midgar to his face and back again. Her long dark chocolate hair was dancing softly around her shoulders in the quiet wind that always blew within the cockpit of the Highwind. She was looking for reassurance while offering it. I�ve seen her do that before. She always smiles when she enters the room and I can�t help but feel something alive stir within the dead aches of my heart. She is so lovely, so vibrant. She is Tifa Lockheart.
I can�t help but notice the similarities between she and Lucrecia; my lost love had the same gorgeous brunette mane and the same unconditional love in her eyes. There is one very large difference between the girl before me and the woman from my past: Lucrecia is dead, nothing more than a ghost of my imagination who possibly never had a special place for me in her heart. Her spirit ebbs and rises about me, like the Life Stream now does below the ship. Beautiful Lucrecia, who loved another man�a man who used her and experimented upon her. Never will I be able to block out her screams and cries of despair and agony from down the halls of the laboratory that would wake me up at night, and I shall also never be able to block out the reassurance she would give me the next day. She would tell me that it was all in the name of Science, and that she was happy to endure anything for that cause. Science was always a God to Lucrecia, and Hojo was her priest, blessing the hideous acts of science and discovery upon her. She gave her life in the name of Science, and her tomb says she was happy to do so.
For years I lived life without her, encrypted in the dank depths of a mansion basement, lying in a coffin like a dead thing, until three pairs of bright blue, green, and wine red eyes awakened me from my process of serving the sentence of my sins. Those eyes held such life and purpose within them that at first I tried to block them out; the thought of such a life scared me beyond most reason. They insisted though, led by a man with vivid blond hair and blue eyes that were so bright I knew they had been infused with the blood juice of SHINRA: mako energy. We exchanged stories of our pasts that we thought we knew about, and he introduced himself as Cloud, and afterwards introduced his companions. Both were woman, and both beautiful beyond my words. The young woman with green eyes were dressed in an innocent pink, and looked upon me with an excited gaze, like a child who had just entered a spook house. She had no fear of me, and giggled her name to me: Aerith.
Then it was she.
She stood towards the back of the room, her eyes trained on the ground or flickering up to my face; trying to place an image of me in her mind. I caught a glimpse of her eyes and I felt drunk. They were deep garnet orbs like the reddest of wines, and were filled with such an innocent kindness and generosity I had ever seen. Yet those eyes also bore a grief born from experience and from a well-kept secret. I knew the look, for it was the same one I�ve seen every time I look into the mirror. Her pale skin was ghostly white in the chill of the room, making her dark hair stand out vividly in contrast. I remember her body was like a cat, and by her moves I could tell she was comfortable with that fact. I almost let the name Lucrecia slip from my numb lips, but she was able to whisper her name softly, and I decided that name was so much better.
�Tifa.�
My heart shattered at the prospect of me being attracted to someone besides my lost Lucrecia, and I felt I had sinned again. I hurried the three out of my death chamber and tried to continue my sleep of punishment, but I couldn�t get the thought of Tifa off my mind, so I followed them, and now I�ve played a part in watching Aerith�s death, watching Cloud�s heartache, saving the world, and watching Tifa keep on believing that she can make Cloud�s pain ease. I know she cannot do this, and I can confidently say that the others do not believe it can be done either by the way they speak of the subject when Tifa and Cloud are out of the room.
I have convinced myself that it�s none of my business and have kept my mouth shut about the matter. I stand in my dark corner of the cockpit, my bloodstained, monster eyes trained on her lithe body as she cries in the moonlight while the others sleep. She has yet to notice that I keep vigil over her at these times, and I believe that things are best this way. I feel as if I carry the sinful words she whispers to the dark for her innocent soul. No one as beautiful and kind should be forced to carry those woes. Especially not Tifa. She tries so incredibly hard to win Cloud�s heart and has gone to such lengths just so he will remember her face�Cloud has told me that she has been such a good friend.
It makes me angry when I hear these words escape his frowning mouth, but yet I sin again and say nothing in Tifa�s defense. She would hate me if she knew about her true feelings.
Now I watch as Tifa reaches out to Cloud once more, her hand just inches from his arm as she silently asks to be held, yet he does not hear her. I can sense where his thoughts are just as everyone else can, even Tifa. His mind is trained on a green-eyed angel who has just helped us all save the world from the other side. For a moment I wonder if the souls of Aerith and Lucrecia have met each other in that peaceful tide of pale green that flows beneath the surface of the earth.
�Cloud?� Tifa whispered gently, letting her hand remain inches from his arm. �Is it her?�
Cloud leaned against the cold railing, his brilliant blue eyes shut, and could only nod. �Thank you, Aerith.� He breathed, before turning around to face the rest of AVALANCHE. �Everyone�thank you so much. You�ve done so much for me�for Aerith��
Tifa immediately dropped her hand to her side and took a small step away from Cloud. His tired smile and the stricken depression in his eyes startled her mildly, but it seemed to confirm her beliefs: Cloud and she would be friends for eternity, but nothing more. Her eyes drifted to the receding Life Stream as Cloud rattled off a little victory speech. Her heart swelled with anger, startling her as she strode out of the room. No one tried to stop her, as each was collapsing into them in an attempt to sort out what had just happened and what was to be done next.
I�m normally not one to hold a grudge against someone, let alone someone I�ve cared about for such a long time. Yet now, I cannot check the hot tears that refuse to stop the flood down my cheeks. I�m supposed to be the strong, supportive member of AVALANCE. A smile is to be on my face every time I enter a room, and if there is something on someone�s mind they come to me for reassurance or guidance. I listen to their grief and take it to heart, adding it upon the confusion and bitterness that already dwells within my stricken soul. How many nights have I sat beside Cloud with my head on his shoulder and my hand in his as he cried out his worries for the team and for the danger he feels he has placed upon us. More than anything else he cries to me about the death of Aerith. This never came to my mind as something to worry about, for all the other members came to me each night in order to share their grief and feelings after the death of our comrade. Everyone except Vincent, that is, who is content to remain a silent sentinel in the shadows. I�m grateful of that, and I believe we share a common acceptance between our silences. Sometimes I wonder if he would listen to me if I had wanted a shoulder to cry on like the one I offer every day to everyone around me.
The only shoulder I can seem to find is either the coarse blanket of my bed or the frigid floor of the Highwind. It must be hours that I spend alone in the cockpit pouring out the bitterness of my soul into the cold night and to the silver moon and to the angry red meteor as it hovered threateningly above earth. Now meteor is gone, and the moon is too beautiful to cast all my woes upon, so whom do I turn to?
I staggered out to the upper deck, sick at heart and sick to my stomach. I found it hard to breathe, and all my strength from the last battles disappeared with one gust of the wind as it toyed with my hair. My tie had fallen out so my long locks danced wildly around my body. I silently wished for someone to follow me and ask me what�s wrong. After all, isn�t that what friends are for? To help each other out in times of need? I felt selfish spilling out my bitterness, but I was tired of living alone amongst so many allies.
�Tifa?�
I quickly wiped away my tears and gifted Cloud a smile as he entered my deck.
�Are you okay?� he asked.
Am I ever okay? That was what I wanted to ask, but instead I nodded and smiled. �The battle just took a bit more out of me that I thought it would.� I amaze myself with my lies sometimes, especially when they have to deal with something that hurts so much.
�It was rough, wasn�t it?� he smiled that cocky smile with a sparkle in his forever-blue eyes. He was silent for a long minute before he started talking again. �Listen��
I forced myself to keep a happy smile on my face as I listened to what he was about to say.
�I�m going back to the Temple of the Ancients, Tifa.�
�I�ll go with you!� I immediately blurted out. I�ve grown accustomed to giving that answer with such a fierce determination. Thinking back, it was so Cloud wouldn�t run away without me again. Was all that energy spent on him worth it?
Cloud was silent again before replying: �Tifa, I�d like to go alone.�
I almost asked why, but I already knew the answer to that inside my heart. Thousands of demands entered my mind, including one statement that would kill the friendship between us forever: She�s dead, Cloud, get over it. Instead, I whispered: �Where am I supposed to go? I have no one, Cloud��
�I talked to the gang, and Vincent said he could keep an eye on you at the mansion.� Cloud replied, almost automatically.
�Vincent? You said yourself how cold and heartless he is!� I couldn�t keep out the anger this time. �I�m glad you think I�m so dispensable!� I turned my back to him and struggled to resist the urge to slap him across the face. �Don�t I matter as much as Aerith�? Can you really chose one person over another like that?�
�I�m sorry, Tifa. I just feel that I need to do this. I shouldn�t be gone long�I just need to settle some things.� Cloud sounded anxious, like I was the parent keeping him from leaving and hanging out with his friends. I hated the way I�m considered the motherly figure around here. �So�good-bye, and thank you.�
I didn�t answer. Even if I had wanted to, I couldn�t get the words past the huge lump that had developed in my throat. All I could do was nod my consent and watch him walk away.
All my efforts had been futile, I suppose. As soon as Aerith had entered the picture I didn�t have a chance in hell. I risked my life for the love of him so many times but I had always been runner up inside of him, and he was always the winner inside of me.
Beneath me, the Highwind was landing and in the distance I could see the Temple where Cloud was heading. I couldn�t look; it was making me too angry. So I gathered my strength and stumbled into the shadows of one of the spare rooms on the ship to confess my hate and angers to the inviting darkness. I cried so hard my stomach ached, and I punched the floor with a shaking fist, finding comfort in the pain of the swelling o f my hand from the last time I had performed this exercise.
Right now I didn�t care that I had just helped save the world, because I had just lost a person who meant the world to me. How was I supposed to celebrate this new awesome freedom on my own?