Chapter Eight
Confessions
**Author's Note: This chapter is rated R for language. There has been language through the rest of the story, but this is a little bit more of it... Read at your own discretion! ;) **
* * *
After two months in Greece, Kelly was severely dreading her impending departure. She had been so wrapped up in everything Greek that the prospect of going to England now seemed downright boring. Plus, there was the problem of leaving Nikos in Athens.
She had followed up on her promise of visiting Nikos many times over. He occasionally led her school group on tours, and truly was very knowledgeable and entertaining. What Kelly enjoyed more, however, were the private tours the two of them took whenever they had free time. Kelly got to see Athens from a native point of view, and the tours often ended in Nikos� kitchen or living room�much to Kelly�s delight.
And now they were �officially� boyfriend and girlfriend, though Kelly hated labels like that. She also hated thinking about the future. They would inevitably be separated soon�she liked him, but not enough to pick up her life and move to Athens. Plus, in just two weeks she would be leaving him for England, and though she would love for him to join her, the whimsical part of her imagination still entertained the notion that once in England she would happen to meet Orlando and they would be swept away to live happily ever after� But no, Kelly, she would say after such thoughts, you made sure that would never happen. You have no future with Orlando�
Her conversations with Kate seemed to solidify this point. Kate still seemed as happy as ever. Kelly often felt like she could hear a strain in Kate�s voice, but she attributed it to mere tiredness. Kate had to juggle school, work, and Orlando at the same time, and that was enough to make any girl exhausted.
So even though Kelly had taken so many steps to change her situation in life, it seemed that life was content to stick with the status quo. Kate and Orlando were happy, Kelly was torn, and life kept barreling onward.
The only exceptional news that broke the monotony came a few days into November, when Nikos told Kelly he would be traveling to England alongside her. She had smiled and hugged him and amplified her excitement, but inside she felt that this would just complicate matters. Not that she actually thought she would see Orlando, but there was always that smallest of possibilities�
* * *
�Well, in my opinion, it�s OK to cheat on crosswords, as you�ve seen. If one little word is going to ruin all the other work you�ve done, then I think it�s OK to sneak a peek,� said Kelly as she walked with Nikos into the terminal of Heathrow Airport two weeks later. �Besides,� she continued, �who is honestly going to know the first Secretary-General of the UN?�
�Trygve Lie?� asked Nikos.
Kelly just stared at him. �OK. Let me rephrase that. Who�besides Nikos-the-all-knowing�is going to know the first Secretary General of the UN? I had to look. So stop making me feel guilty!� She laughed and gave Nikos a little punch on the arm.
He responded by grabbing her around the waist and lifting her into the air, apparently not realizing or caring how crowded the airport was. Kelly let out a little shriek, trying not to attract the attention of the brutal-looking security guards. Suddenly, Nikos stopped short and put Kelly down. He was staring at the group of people waiting by the arrivals gate�one of which had a sign made out for Kelly O�Shaughnessy. Kelly turned around and looked where Nikos pointed. She couldn�t make out the owner of the sign through the crowd, but the sign definitely bore her name.
�Didn�t you say you were riding to Oxford with me?� asked Nikos confusedly.
�Yeah! I have no idea who that is. You didn�t set this up?� Kelly meandered toward the sign as Nikos shook his head and followed.
As they approached, however, Kelly began to get an idea of who her mysterious escort was. She recognized the hand that held the sign. She recognized the rings on his fingers and his short, chewed-on nails. She recognized the arm connected to the hand, and the body connected to the arm. And she definitely recognized the head connected to the body. It was Orlando, or rather Orjean, as he had clothed himself in the familiar black outfit, aviator shades, and crazy braids.
He stepped forward and looked from Kelly to Nikos without removing his sunglasses, and merely said, �Hi.�
�Hi,� Kelly replied, feeling as if she had murdered in a past life and was now getting her punishment. She felt quite unsettled, and she was pretty sure it wasn�t because of the airplane food� �Um, to what do we owe the pleasure of this masquerade?�
�It is not a masquerade,� replied Orlando in his horrible French accent. Kelly couldn�t help but smile, fondly remembering Orjean�s first appearance in her life. �Orjean has come to the airport to escort this lovely lady,� he said, taking Kelly�s hand and kissing it. Kelly couldn�t be sure, but she guessed that beneath the shades, Orlando�s eyes were looking conspicuously at Nikos, who stood with his brow furrowed.
�Look, I appreciate the gestureOrjean, but I have to travel with the group. And with Nikos,� she added pointedly, withdrawing her hand from his lips, though she instantly regretted it. She turned to Nikos. �Nikos, Orjean is my� friend from Princeton. Could I, um, talk to him for a second? I�ll be right back.�
Nikos shrugged and stepped back as Kelly grabbed Orlando�s hand and dragged him a few feet away. �Orlando,� she said in a harsh whisper, �what are you doing here?�
He smiled cattily. �What I said�I�m here to get you.�
�And take me where?�
�I don�t know. Wherever. On a tour of England�I don�t care! I just want to talk to you.�
�Well sorry to burst your bubble, but I don�t want to talk to you. At least not right now,� she added. �I can�t talk right now. And besides, how did you know I would be here?�
He smiled again. �You mean because you lied to me and told me you were coming in December? Well, I have my ways��
Kelly was thoroughly confused. Despite being utterly and completely surprised to see Orlando at the airport, she was even more shocked by his mood. He was happy and perky, and his smile seemed to be concealing some deep secret that he was just bursting to tell. This Orlando was the complete opposite of the one she had so coldly dismissed in September. What had happened in the two-and-a-half months to change him so?
�� Look, Kelly, I�m here because I was serious the last time we talked: I am not giving up on our friendship. On us. We are going to be on the same island for at least a month, and you can talk to me now, or you can talk to me later, but I am not going to let you go. So go back over to the Greek guy right now if you want, but��
�That guy is my boyfriend, Orlando.�
�OK, sorry. Go back to your boyfriend,� he said quickly, as if trying not to let the �b-word� affect him. But when he looked back in Kelly�s face, he raised his sunglasses, and Kelly saw definite longing�the same kind of longing she was trying to mask. Orlando continued, and his voice had taken on an insistent tone. �But really, Kelly, I want�I need�to talk to you. So will you just call me sometime? Please?�
Kelly furrowed her brow and stared at Orlando, trying to read the expression on his face. It was pleading and confident at the same time. As he reached down to grab her hand, she relented and answered, �Yeah, I�ll call.� Kelly didn�t know whether she really would or not, but she would have said anything to get out of Orlando�s gaze.
He smiled, and Kelly saw his face change to complete relief. �OK, good,� he whispered, and pulled her into a giant bear hug�a hug she hadn�t felt since the day he had come from the airport to see her.
In fact, she thought as Orlando�s arms wrapped tighter around her, that had been the last time she had seen him at all. They had talked millions of times, but Kelly hadn�t actually laid eyes on him since last December. Almost an entire year ago. And as Kelly thought these things, she realized that she didn�t want to end the hug. She didn�t want to go back to Nikos and watch Orlando walk away again. She didn�t want another year to pass before she saw him. But she knew that was the way it would have to be, just like she had decided back in September. So she stood in the middle of Heathrow airport and captured the moment in her mind. She took in the way his arms felt around her waist and the way his stubbly cheek felt pressed up against hers. She took in the texture of his hair�braids and all�and the way he smelled. Because this would be the last time she would feel any of this. This would be the last time she would be locked in this embrace.
Or so she thought�
* * *
A few weeks later Kelly had yet to call Orlando. Often times she thought about him and was quite close to picking up the phone and dialing, but she was always distracted�usually by Nikos, who proved to be quite annoying. Now that he had no tours to give and no family to see, he just hung around with Kelly for hours at a time. That would have been fine had she not been burdened with difficult school work, but he just didn�t seem to ever get the hint that she was busy.
�Um, Nikos?� she asked one evening as he was being especially pesky, �Didn�t you say you were going to meet up with one of your Oxford classmates tonight?� Kelly looked up from her paper hopefully, but Nikos just smiled.
�Yes, but I cancelled. I�d rather spend time with you,� he said sycophantically.
�Oh, that�s very sweet of you,� she lied, �but I�m so busy tonight! I have to finish this paper. Are you sure you shouldn�t call him and, um, un-cancel?�
�No, it�s not a problem. I�ll just wait until you�re done,� he replied. Kelly just pursed her lips into a thin smile and bent back down to her paper, fully aware of his eyes boring into the top of her head.
The next morning Kelly snuck out early while Nikos was still sleeping. She had debated whether or not to leave a note, but decided in the end to at least be polite. She wrote that she was shopping all day and would join him for dinner, and silently prayed that he would not find her. It would be so nice to have some alone time and finally be able to think about things in peace. She had been pretty successful in ignoring the constant threat of Orlando-fixation, but the great pool of memories and images and thoughts of him was threatening to commit mutiny on her mind if she didn�t sort some of them out.
She spent most of the morning in a small coffee shop just off campus. Though she had brought a book with her, she mainly stared out the window absent-mindedly, thinking of the people she wanted to be with. There was Kate, who had been slightly less cheery when Kelly had talked to her a few days ago, but she was still fun to be with. There was Jo, who was always up for a good time. There was Patrick, ever the supportive brother. And there was Orlando. Orlando, whom she most desperately wanted to be with, but couldn�t.
Kelly meandered out of the coffee shop and headed back to campus. She pulled her coat tight in an attempt to combat the blustery winds, but the cold still stung her face. As she turned a corner to hail a cab, she heard a voice call her name. She couldn�t help the grimace that crept onto her face as she turned around, expecting to see Nikos. But as she turned, an entirely different face swam into view. What the hell is he doing here? she thought as Orlando approached her, grinning from ear to ear.
His smile was infectious, and though she was urging every muscle in her face to remain calm, she felt a smile twitch at the corners of her mouth. �What are you doing here?�
�Well Kelly, as I said, I have my ways of finding you. Since I figured you weren�t going to call�and that severely disappointed me�I decided to take matters into my own hands. I�m here in Oxford to kidnap you, and I will force you to talk to me, no matter the consequences.� His grin spread ever wider as he grabbed Kelly�s arm.
The smile stayed on Kelly�s face, though the thoughts in her mind were quite less pleasing. She only had two choices at this point: Go with Orlando and have a certainly awkward, potentially vicious conversation, or stay in stormy Oxford with Nikos. Kelly decided to choose the lesser of two evils and headed to Orlando�s car.
As soon as they got out onto the main roads, though, Kelly began to worry if she had made the right decision. She really had no idea what Orlando wanted to talk about so badly, and had even less of an idea what she could�or would�say to him. Orlando seemed fine, however, and reached for a CD to put in the player. He grinned again as he showed Kelly the name printed on the CD: �The Kelly Mix.�
�It�s a collection of songs I think you�ll like,� he explained.
�You made that for me?�
�Yeah! Well, actually, my mate made it�I don�t know the first thing about computers. But he liked the song selection, so that�s good, eh?� His boyish enthusiasm was quite precious, Kelly thought as he put the CD in. He turned the volume dial up to 19 and Kelly instinctively clicked it one more notch. Orlando smiled. �Right. I forgot you had that quirky numbers thing. That�s so great.�
�I just hate the number nine. It�s just begging to be rounded off. Sorry, I know that�s weird��
�No, it�s excellent. So you.�
It was only then that Kelly recognized what song was playing. It was �Roxanne��the same Roxanne that Orlando had �sung� last December in her dorm room. She reminded him of that day, and he smiled. �I remember. I remember that day well. I�ve got some of John Lennon�s solo stuff on there next, since you said he was your favorite Beatle. And then some of Ringo�s, since he�s my favorite.�
Kelly laughed. Had that day really been a year ago? That day had been the beginning of it all. Though she had met him a few times before then, she had never meant to be his friend. And then he had flown to Princeton to be with Kate and ended up with Kelly instead. They had grown so unbelievably close in the four months that followed, Kelly had often marveled how fast it had all happened. But those four months of happiness had been eclipsed by eight months of near silence, and Kelly had definitely wondered how a friendship could disintegrate so quickly.
But now it seemed Orlando was willing to start back up from where they had left off. He had made no mention of the fact that he had neglected to call her for eight months and yet was now traipsing all over England to talk to her. Everything seemed perfectly normal to him. But it�s not normal, she thought. There�s no way we can ignore what happened. Maybe that�s what he wants to talk about so urgently�
�Have you talked to Kate recently?� Orlando asked, interrupting Kelly�s thoughts.
�Yeah, just a few days ago,� she answered.
�How is she?�
�Um, she�s doing OK, I guess. She�s dealing with a lot, you know,� Kelly replied, confused as to why Orlando was asking her how Kate was�
�That�s good. I haven�t talked to her since� well, in a few days, so�� he trailed off. Kelly frowned at his words, but said nothing.
Since what? she thought. But her thoughts were again interrupted as Orlando swore loudly at a motorist that had just cut him off.
�It�s about forty-five more minutes to my place, unless we�re stuck behind stupid gits like this the rest of the way,� he said.
Kelly nodded, suddenly excited at the prospect of going to his house. Thankfully, the git changed lanes and they were able to make good time. They passed most of the forty-five minutes in silence, though Kelly was sure her heartbeat could be heard the entire time.
Orlando�s house was situated behind a great brick gate, and as he paused to punch in the security code, Kelly marveled at the size of the house. It was more of a mansion than a house, she felt. Lord of the Rings was good to you, Orlando, she thought. She also noticed a cluster of vehicles and people parked right outside his gates.
�Bloody paparazzi,� he said, answering her unasked question. �Just try to ignore them if you can. I tend to get quite violent with them�they know not to get too close. Sometimes they get ballsy, though, so just, you know��
Kelly didn�t really �know,� but she nodded anyway. She had never had to deal with paparazzi�Kate wasn�t often photographed on campus and Orlando took measures to retain his anonymity. But he was completely recognizable today due to his lack of Orjean braids, and Kelly stared nervously out at the hungry crowd. Every single person seemed to be brandishing a camera. Thankfully, the windows were tinted, so she assumed they couldn�t see her. What would Kate think if she saw the two of them together after so much time apart?
Kelly breathed a sigh of relief as soon as the gate closed behind them. She had watched enough episodes of Celebrities Uncensored to know that paparazzos could be real dicks sometimes. She was eager to get inside and see Orlando�s house, but her seatbelt wouldn�t unfasten. Orlando leaned over to help her, muttering apologetically, and then hopped out to open her car door. As she grabbed his hand to step out of the car, she heard a voice shouting his name. It seemed that a photographer had hopped the fence, and was shooting as rapidly as possible. She watched him struggle with the brutish security guards as Orlando ushered her inside the house quickly.
�Fucking photographers. I hate them. If I could change one thing about celebrity, that would be it,� he said as he plopped down onto a plush red leather couch.
�I�m sorry. That must be really annoying,� she said sympathetically.
�Well, it doesn�t bother me, really, but they have no right to take pictures of my friends. You didn�t sign up to be in tabloids and all that.�
�No, but I�m good friends with two internationally-known celebrities, so I guess I should expect it, right?�
He ignored her question and instead looked her straight in the eyes. �Good friends. Yes, we are good friends�� he paused and stared blankly at the wall, then turned back to her abruptly and continued. �Kelly, I�m so glad you�re not mad at me for not calling. I got so worked up in September when you said you didn�t want to talk to me anymore, and��
�Well, wait just a second,� she interrupted. �I never said I wasn�t mad at you for absolutely ignoring me for eight months. Just because I�m willing to talk to you now doesn�t mean we can ignore that period of time!�
Orlando looked surprised for a second, but then his surprise turned to acceptance. �Yeah, I figured you might say that. You�re too smart to just accept a shitty apology.�
�Why don�t you save that apology and give me an explanation instead?� Kelly demanded. �I deserve to know why I got the silent treatment for so damn long!� She felt her temper rising. Things had been going so well, but she needed this explanation. She needed to know. �I mean seriously, Orlando,� she went on, hearing her voice rise in volume but unable to help it, �one week we were talking for hours at a time, and then nothing! What the hell? Do you know how that feels? Do you know how much that fucking hurts?�
Orlando put his head in his hands. �Yeah, I know,� he said quietly. �I know. It was stupid. It was wrong.� He looked up and pulled Kelly down to sit on the chair across from him. �Kelly, I made a mistake,� he told her earnestly. �I was an idiot, a prat, a git, an asshole�whatever�and I fucked things up. Royally. All that time I didn�t call� I was ignoring� Well, I messed up. Can you forgive me? Can we move past this?� Orlando pleaded with an apologetic look in his eyes.
�What?� she bellowed, feeling intense disbelief at his weak plea for forgiveness. �Can I forgive you? Are you fucking nuts? I can�t believe you�re asking me to just let it go with �I made a mistake.� Eight months, Orlando. Eight long months.� She shook her head. �I made the mistake,� Kelly said loudly. She knew what she had to say. �Really, it was me. I fell for you. That was my mistake. No, let me continue,� she said as he opened his mouth. �I fell for you. I fell fast and I fell hard. And I somehow tricked myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, you fell for me too. But I was wrong. And it took me a long time to realize that my life is better without you.� She paused, watching Orlando�s reaction. He shook his head and began to open his mouth again, but she continued before he could speak. �But it didn�t take me long to realize that I never want to be affected so much by a guy ever again. Because I�d never been more depressed than I was when you just completely cut me out of your life. And I hated that. I hated every minute. And if you�re not going to give me a proper explanation; if you�re just going to say �I made a mistake,� then I�m going to have to go. Because frankly, I don�t deserve that shit.� The tears that seemed so ready to fall whenever she talked to Orlando began to run their course. She stood up in a daze and began to walk toward the door.
He leapt off the couch and grabbed her wrist as she left the living room. He whirled her around and cupped her face in his hands. She tried to turn away, but he wouldn�t let her. When he spoke his voice came out in little more than a whisper, and Kelly saw tears forming in the corners of his beautiful brown eyes. �No,� he husked. �No. Absolutely not. You can�t leave. Not after all this. Kelly, listen to me. Let me make my case. Please. It�s my fault. One hundred percent. I was scared. I didn�t want to fall for you because everything else in my life was so perfect. I had Kate... and I didn�t want to mess that up. But I did, because I did fall for you. I couldn�t control it; I couldn�t help it. I�m the one who fell hard, Kelly. And as soon as Kate and I took that break, I thought that maybe you could finally be with me. But you kept encouraging me to get back together with Kate, and then I realized that you were right. I loved Kate, and it seemed clear to me that you didn�t want a relationship with me. Be that right or wrong, it�s what I believed.�
Kelly stood helplessly looking at him. He had loved her. Every single fancy she had entertained for a year had been true. And she had ruined it. �But�� she started, completely at a loss for words. �But I did want a relationship with you. And I don�t know why I encouraged you and Kate to get back together� I guess it was more practical. I just didn�t think that you and I could ever be together. But I still wanted your friendship, Orlando. And then I thought that everything was lost forever when you stopped calling, and��
�I know,� he interrupted as he started to wipe away her tears. �But I couldn�t talk to you, Kelly. I was in a right state because you were the only constant in my life, and all of a sudden I had to bar myself from you. Because every time I thought of you I regretted the choice I had made to get back together with Kate. Every time Kate talked about you I just lost it. I would go into these moods, and it was awful. But if I had actually spoken to you, every feeling I had tried to hide would have come back, and I couldn�t do that to Kate. And I am so sorry that I was wrong about your feelings for me. I think deep down I always knew, but� I was just so confused,� he finished weakly.
Kelly looked into his eyes. It pained her immensely to see them dark and welling with tears when they were usually so lively and bright. Her body felt numb and her head was still trying to sort through the words that had just been said. Orlando had spoken so passionately, his voice so heavy with emotion� Surely he had been telling the truth. But now, it seemed, they were at an impasse. They had bared their souls, they had exposed every thought in their minds, but now� �Where do we go from here, then?� she asked in a hoarse whisper.
�Do you love me?� he asked.
Every single fiber of her being wanted to shout out �YES!� But Nikos, but Kate, but everything� There were so many complications, so many twists, that she just didn�t see a way... �I did,� she responded at last, wanting to pull away from his grip on her face, but not... �I did love you, Orlando. At one point, you were all I thought of. But now� I�ve moved on. I cut you out just like you cut me out. I finally emerged from that dream to face reality. And I think, at the end of the day, I�m happier without you. Because I don�t like who I am when I�m thinking about you and what could have been. And I just don�t think it would be possible to be with you anymore.� Kelly�s body shook with sobs. Why in the hell did she have to say this? Why did this have to be her choice?
Orlando didn�t seem phased by her answer. He just nodded and said, �That�s fair enough, Kelly. And I�ll accept that, if you�ll just hear me out on one more thing. Just one more. OK?� Kelly looked at him skeptically, then slowly nodded her head. �Good. Well, Kate and I have�had�this thing where we would always read each other articles that we found dealing with ourselves or our relationship, or anything like that.�
Kelly wondered why he was using past tense. Kate and I had? She opened her mouth to ask, but he just kept talking. �Well, one day, just a week or two after we got back together in March�and just as I had stopped talking to you�Kate found this quote from Vanessa�Johnny Depp�s girlfriend. Vanessa was talking about why she loved Johnny, and what that love meant. And Kate read it to me. It said something along the lines of �Everyone is confronted with the possibility of unfaithfulness. I know there are people out there smarter than me, or prettier than me, or better than me, but at the end of the day, when I come home, he�s my best friend, and that�s what keeps us together. We�re best friends.� And when Kate read that to me, I understood what Vanessa meant. I understood what it was like to love your best friend. And I just assumed I felt that way about Kate, because I was too stupid to think otherwise. And Kate took that sentiment to heart. She hung that quote up on my mirror, and I just kind of ignored it.� He paused, as if remembering something long gone. When he resumed, he seemed to be explaining the situation not only to Kelly, but also to himself. �But then one day I read it again, and I realized I didn�t feel that way about Kate. I felt that way about you. About you, Kelly. Because at the end of the day, I loved Kate, but you are the one I wanted to be with. You are the one I think about when I get up. You are the one I want to call when I�m away or sick or angry or lonely. You are my best friend. And these past eight months with hardly any contact? They�ve killed me. I honestly don�t know what I�ve been doing to get through. Because I�ve missed you for so God damn long that I feel like a part of me is completely numb. Because I love you. Still. Now more than ever, probably, and I just need to know how you feel. Can I be a part of your life again?�
Kelly felt as if her knees had completely turned to mush, along with her stomach. Her heart beat a-mile-a-minute in her chest, and she wanted to tell Orlando that she felt the same way. She wanted so desperately to kiss him and hug him and tell him she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. But when she opened her mouth, something else came out. �Past tense,� she choked out. At his questioning stare, she tried to clarify. �You kept using past tense when you talked about Kate. You�re still together, right? So why did you make it sound like you�re not?�
He stared vacantly at her for what seemed like a full minute before he spoke. His hands left the side of her face and moved to his hair in a gesture of frustration. �What? We�re not still together! We split three days ago! I thought you knew!�
�What?� Kelly sputtered. �How the hell would I know? I haven�t talked to Kate in a week!� Kelly couldn�t believe Orlando and Kate had broken up. My God, this changes everything�
�What the fuck, Kelly! You told me that you talked to Kate a few days ago and that she was �dealing with a lot�!�
�Well I didn�t mean dealing with the breakup! I meant dealing with school and work and all that shit. I had no fucking idea you two broke up! Oh, this is bad� I shouldn�t be here. I shouldn�t be here,� she mumbled.
�OK, first of all, you still have free will, right? You can be here if you choose to be here.� The loving, tender Orlando of a few minutes ago had vanished. The new, angry Orlando continued. �We�re not doing anything wrong. We�re two single people having a conversation, right?�
�Fuck! No! I�m not single, and I didn�t know you were until about thirty seconds ago! This might be a good thing to clarify in the future, OK Orlando? But I have to go now.�
�Why, Kelly?� Orlando demanded. �Can�t it wait? I really need your answer.� He grabbed her hands, and she felt that all-powerful stare back on her face.
�No,� Kelly protested, refusing to meet that insistent gaze, �because I don�t have an answer right now. I have about eight hundred things I need to sort out before I can even begin to think of an answer. And first and foremost, I need to talk to Kate. She needs me right now.� She leaned forward to kiss Orlando on the cheek. �So thank you,� she whispered, �for everything you said. It means so much to me that we had this conversation. And I swear we�ll continue it soon. I just need time.�
And without another word she drew away from Orlando and strode out of the house and down to the gate, where the security guards called her a cab.
* * *