“Dammit, Torrie! Pay a little attention, please?”

“Sorry.”

I shifted my hold on the young male Tiger shark, grasping it a little firmer between my arms while Scott once more attempted to stick it with the syringe. Luckily, the shark wasn’t near full grown so once it began to thrash in my embrace, I held it securely, now that my attention was once more focused.

“That should do it,” Scott said and I let the shark go, watching silently as it skimmed away through the water.

We hadn’t had a shark at the facility in a long while. This one had been found by some surfers, washed up on the beach. It apparently had tangled with a much larger shark or some local fishermen because it had been covered in nasty cuts, most of which were infected by the time we got to it. The shark was doing much better now though and would soon be rehabilitated enough to release back into the sea. It had already bitten me once – a nice clean row of teeth marks across my lower arm. In return, I affectionately named it Orli. Fitting, eh?

Climbing out of the pool, I toweled off, glancing at the clock. One hour until I had to pick up Sean at the airport. I peeled off the wet suit, down to my bathing suit and slipped on my jeans and sweatshirt. Turning, I discovered Scott watching me, frowning. He was always frowning at me lately, so that was nothing new. But this time, I could tell he was going to say something.

“You know, Torrie,” he began and I rolled my eyes, hating how right I was. “If you need to take some time off to yourself – “

“I’m fine, Scott.” I waved away his concern, heading back toward the main building. He followed.

“No, you’re not. For the past two months you haven’t been yourself. Your concentration has been for crap, your enthusiasm non-existent, and your attitude has been either ‘leave me the hell alone’ or ‘I don’t give a fuck’. Now what gives? I don’t want to have to force you to take some time because of my concern for the animals at this Center.”

I stopped and turned back to him, appropriately furious. “I would never put the life of any animal in danger, Scott. Ever!”

He held up his hands. “I know, I know. I didn’t mean to imply you would. It’s just your focus is all shot to hell and if a sabbatical would help then I’m offering it.”

I sighed and turned away again. As much as a few months off of work did sound like Heaven, I knew I would spend most of it wallowing in self-pity and anger and the other part keeping Sean amused. Thanks but no thanks. I’d had enough of going out of my way to keep spoilt, childish men happy.

“I have to pick up Sean,” I muttered, moving down the hall toward the main entrance.

“Well that’s something. Maybe all you need is a good fuck,” Scott called out good-naturedly.

I flipped him off.

He laughed, saying, “Have a nice weekend.”

With my LifeHouse CD blaring, I attempted to force myself to relax all of the way to the airport. It had been a month since Sean and I had seen one another and that last week hadn’t been exactly pleasant. Ever since the premiere of The Two Towers in Birmingham I had been on a tightly wound string. Sean had asked me repeatedly what the problem was but tell me it wouldn’t have been slightly uncomfortable to admit the truth? Besides, I think the last time we were together he might have figured some of it out. At least, when we parted he had been a little colder than usual to me. I couldn’t be certain, and maybe I deserved it. I just had this way of fucking things up lately.

It had been two months since I had seen Orli. Two months since he had called me the Fellowship whore. The little bastard. The worst of it was, I forgave him immediately. How could I not? I forgave Orli everything he did, every little hurt he caused me simply because I couldn’t imagine ever truly being angry with him. And I sure as hell couldn’t stop loving him.

Yes, I love Orli. Loved him since I first saw him standing there on the pier, dripping wet, trying to act as if what had happened was no big deal, flashing me that smile of his with those goddamned dimples. I loved his eyes and his voice and his laughter and how he would cuddle against me like a child when he wasn’t feeling well. I love every one of his flaws – of which he has many – and I love all of his strengths, of which he has even more. He was my savior, my guardian angel, my protector. He gave me my life back.

And it didn’t matter that once I moved in with him he began to take advantage of my love for him. I didn’t care. I knew I would never be what he wanted, I would never compare with the women he had dated or were currently throwing themselves at him. I was just plain, boring, grounded Torrie the marine biologist, but I began to believe that maybe I had it better. I had his friendship. It was something that would last. I had his trust. I was the one he came to when he needed to talk to someone, when he needed encouragement, when he just needed to be reassured that he was maybe half as good as the media was claiming. And maybe that was the beginning of the end. It made me love him more, it made me believe I could never live without him. And seeing him with Julie continued to tear at me bit by bit.

Elijah knew. He’s been my rock through all of it. The quiet bystander who watches from the sidelines and moves in just when things get a little out of hand. That night we had slept together… It all started when he asked me if I was in love with Orli. I couldn’t deny it. And it hurt to say it out loud, hurt because I knew I was living some elaborate lie where I was forced to smile and laugh and be there for Orli long enough for him to turn back to Julie. It had become an addiction for me by then, and I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to. I wanted to pretend that Orli really needed me, that he counted on me, that he wanted me there. I should have moved out within those first two weeks. I should have never let him comfort me, never let him hold me beside him each night in bed. His warmth is addictive. Once he’s held you, you never want him to let you go. You never want to believe there could be anything else out there. Because when he holds you, you know its real. You know he wants to give you comfort and you know he cares. And that is such a rare thing.

So I had cried that night and broke down and Elijah had offered me comfort and I had accepted. It was as simple as that. Hadn’t expected such a reaction from Orli. I guess he never became completely comfortable with my becoming friends with his friends. Maybe my sleeping with Elijah had threatened their friendship somehow. I still don’t understand it. I mean, it meant nothing between the two people who did it. Hell, we still laughed about it occasionally. Its not like it had been romantic or intense or anything. Damn, it had barely registered as good. (Shhhh, never let Lij know I said that!)

It was after that when I had began to realize my obsession with my best friend was intruding on myself having any sort of life whatsoever. Orli would never be mine and I had to realize that. He told me he loved me. A lot. But it was as a friend and nothing more. Sometimes I would pretend though, when he said those words. I would pretend, just occasionally, that he really meant he loved me and couldn’t live without me. I was getting good at living lies.

So I decided to take it to the next level. Try to get Orli out of my mind. Move on to something else, reestablish my life as an individual. That’s when Orli set me up with Sean and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to regain my footing.

I’m not using Sean. I could never do that. I don’t think he’d ever let that happen anyway. But he was the right person at the right time and I grabbed at that. Orli was getting closer to Julie and I really couldn’t take it any longer. I was feeling so lonely and Sean filled that void. He could never replace Orli, who had a secret little place in my heart that would always belong to him. But Sean could make me forget occasionally. And that was nice. Besides which, Sean was fun to be with and he made me feel so incredibly feminine and tiny when I was with him. I’m not used to feeling like that. Normally I’m just one of the guys or whatever. But with Sean I could be the one who needed to be protected and cared for and that was nice. For a time. Then it became work. It still is. Sean needs to be constantly amused, constantly entertained. He gets bored quickly. I think that is why his marriages have failed. He finds something he wants and gets completely into it and sweeps some poor unsuspecting woman off of her feet and everything is bliss for awhile and then out of nowhere he’s bored and she’s starting to feel inadequate and that’s the end of it. I have an advantage where the others didn’t I guess. First off, I am used to bending over backwards to please men. I did it, with disastrous consequences, for Steve and then I reverted to doing it for Orli as well. So I know how to give Sean what he needs. And second, I’m in love with someone else, so Sean’s eventual disaffection doesn’t really mean that much to me. I expect it. I could always be wrong, of course. I could end up situating myself so well into Sean’s life that he doesn’t look for a way out. That would just be another dollop of icing on the cake in my opinion.

The Fellowship fucking whore. I still can’t believe he said that to me. It hurt – God knows it hurt. And then it just pissed me off. He pissed me off. Orli has a way of doing that to me. It’s never the middle of the road when it comes to my feelings for him. He either hangs the moon or craps on it. I know I can’t really hurt him -- he would have to care for me more than he does for that – but after that whore comment the only thing I could think to do was just kind of throw it in his face. That’s why I made certain he saw me tell Sean I loved him. And I do love Sean. Just not as much as Orli. I’ll never love anyone the way I do him, no matter how much it hurts. God save me if Orli ever found out though. I just couldn’t deal with his rejection.

All of this would have been much easier if Halloween had never occurred. I swear I would never again look at that day the same way. First, Orli walked in on my conversation with Lij and I was forced to lie and tell him I was talking about Sean.

And then that night… I think I knew what I was doing all along. Sure, I’d had a shit load to drink – way more than my body is used to – but I wonder if I didn’t mean to do that. I mean, both Sean and Julie were absent and Orli was all mine and maybe for once I wanted to stake my claim on him. Besides, he looked so incredibly sexy in those goddamned tight black satin pants. He always looks sexy, he exudes it, but that night it was just over the top and part of me was drinking to try to ignore it and the other part was drinking for the courage to just say to hell with my insecurities and fears.

And I did. And it was fucking incredible. Orli was incredible. He has the softest kisses imaginable – these perfect lips. I try so very hard not to remember because it hurts to do so. I had wanted to pretend that all of it was done out of love, that every touch, every stroke, every kiss was meant for me and me alone. Lord knows I held nothing back. Maybe I couldn’t tell him that I loved him but I sure as hell could show it. And that’s why it hurt so much. I realized that night that all along I had been giving and giving, always wanting and never expecting anything in return, and it was tearing me apart. I was scared of eventually resenting him for it. So I left. I thought it would be best for both of us. Guess I had been wrong. Not the first time.

Thanks to traffic I made it to the airport a little late. When I reached the Gate, Sean was leaning against a pillar, glancing through a magazine, no one around seemed to recognize him. No wonder. American audiences were used to seeing him as a bad guy and since bad guys always died at the end of the film, you generally removed them from your mind. I’m sure if he had donned the beard and hair from Fellowship, then he would have had people shouting Boromir throughout LAX. Instead he was clean shaven as always, dressed casually in jeans and black sweater.

He looked up at me as I approached and smiled, and I so wanted to feel my knees go weak and my heart start pounding frantically in my chest. The way they did for Orli. But they didn’t.

“Sorry I’m late,” I apologized. “Traffic.”

“You’re not that late, little girl,” Sean replied, pulling me against him in a hug and claiming my mouth in a surprisingly passionate kiss. Normally he wasn’t much for public displays of affection and I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell was up. It was nice though.

Casual chitchat bounced back and forth between us while we made our way to the luggage area and finally to the car. Once the doors were shut, Sean leaned over and kissed me again. He was being uncharacteristically affectionate. I stared at him when he pulled back and he just smiled, his steel gray eyes boring into mine.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Can’t I just be happy to see you?” He replied with his own question, leaning back in his seat. “It has been awhile.”

I didn’t believe him. “Yes it has.” I started the car.

The conversation was non-stop and animated on the way to my condo. I considered stopping by the store – I totally didn’t want to go out that night – but Sean suggested we just pick up carry out. That beat cooking any day. We stopped by and grabbed some Chinese take out before we finally made it home. Sean tossed his bags into the bedroom and then joined me in the kitchen where I was spooning out the Moo Shoo Pork onto separate plates along with fried rice and some egg rolls. He leaned back against the counter, watching me silently for a few moments.

His next words caught me completely off guard.

“Ran into Orli in London last week.”

The container of rice flew out of my hands. Real slick. Sean didn’t say a thing. Just watched me while I tried to clean the mess up.

“He looked like hell.”

This time I tried not to react. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Thinner than usual. Tired. Didn’t seem too happy to see me, either.”

I didn’t want to hear that. I had seen a recent picture of Orli in a magazine and what Sean had said was correct. He did look bad. It scared me. Wasn’t Julie taking care of him? He needed someone to look after him because he was still so very much a little boy at heart and this sudden fame put such a great amount of pressure on him and I don’t think he really knew how to handle it. Orli just didn’t know when to say stop, when to say enough was enough. He needed someone there to do it for him.

“That’s odd,” I muttered, not really remembering what his last words had been.

“Is it?”

I glanced over at him and he was watching me closely. I looked back at the food. Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry.

“What happened between you two?” Direct question that. Leave it to Sean.

“Happened? When?” I shoved an egg roll into my mouth and refused to look at him.

“At the premiere in December. When I showed up to find you and Lij and Orli surrounded by what appeared to be an extremely uncomfortable silence. You and Orli haven’t spoken since. Seems a little strange for two people who were as close as you two were.”

“People grow apart,” I lied.

Sean reached out, took my the shoulders and turned me to face him. “Stop it, little girl,” he said softly. “I’m no fool, you understand? I’ve seen the signs, I’ve watched you two together and I’ve seen the state you’ve been in since Birmingham. Do you really think me that stupid?”

God, was I that obvious? “Sean, I – “

He placed a finger against my lips, silencing me. “No excuses. No apologies. Look at me.” He lifted my chin until our eyes met. “I know you have feelings for him, Torrie. I can see it.”

I worried my lower lip, not certain of what to say. Now I knew Sean was going to leave me and I would have effectively chased away two members of the Fellowship. Maybe Orli had been right when he’d said what he did. Of course, I’d always have Lij. I got the feeling he would always be there.

So I was undeniably surprised when his lips descended onto mine and he kissed me softly, tenderly. It was almost too much. Sean had discovered my darkest secret and yet he was offering me comfort. I didn’t understand. I said as much when he pulled back.

Sean brushed my hair back, tucking it behind my ear. “I love you, Torrie. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to erase him from your mind. This past month I have thought a lot about it and how much I enjoy being with you and damn if I am going to let him get in the way of the happiness we can have. I’m going to make you love me, little girl, the way I love you.”

“I do lov – “

“I know you do,” he interrupted, placing a kiss on my forehead. “But not enough. I don’t want to share you. And if he’s too blind to see what he could have had… Well, I am glad to take over. But I won’t share you, Torrie. I can’t.”

I nodded and let him pull me against him and hold me. So that was just one more thing to deal with, to accept. I hadn’t for the life of me expected to hear Sean make such a speech. I didn’t know his feelings for me were that strong. It terrified me. Because I didn’t know if I could ever return that. I didn’t know if he would ever make me forget Orli or if anyone could. And Sean deserved better from me.

I didn’t want to forget Orli. He was like that one dream you hold onto all of your life just because if you didn’t have dreams to believe in than what was the use of living? I knew I could never have him but I still liked to keep him there, in my heart. As long as I did that though, I would never be able to give Sean what he wanted. I should have told him that, I should have ended it there. It would have been easier for both of us.

Sean stayed for a week. He began talking about moving out to LA, just getting a house that we could both share and his daughters could come visit him at and such. I didn’t know if I was ready for that and I think he could see it in my eyes because he didn’t pursue it. I knew that eventually it would come up again and he would expect an answer and the future of our relationship would hinge on it. Dammit, why did things have to change?

On his last night in LA, we went to a nice little Italian restaurant in West Hollywood. It was actually kind of romantic and sweet and Sean was at his most charming. Actually, I have come to the conclusion that any man with a British accent can sweep a woman off of her feet. Or at least us Americans. Sean seemed to sense that because when he really wanted my attention, when he really wanted me to be little more than a pool of goo at his feet, he would slip back into a thick accent, to the point I could barely understand a word out of his goddamned mouth and of course by that point I didn’t care. I would have been happy for him to read to me from the Los Angeles phone book. Like I said, he was all charm that night. Between flowers and the accent and telling me over and over again how beautiful I was and caressing my hand as he held it in his… Hell, he could have proposed on the spot and I would have been his. That’s a major fault of the female species. Men can charm us right out of our shoes. Luckily, not too many of them are skilled at it.

We finally finished our meal and I headed toward the lobby to wait for Sean while he disappeared to the back to use the restroom. I was just shrugging into my coat when a voice behind me said:

“Hello Torrie.”

I froze, my heart thudding wildly against my chest. It took Sean all night over dinner to send my senses whirling. It took Orli two fucking words. Taking a deep breath, I turned to face him. I hadn’t realized what kind of impact that would be, seeing him again, I mean. It had felt like forever. His eyes were even more beautiful than I remembered but Sean was right, he was thinner with dark circles under his eyes.

“Umm.. hello Orli,” I finally croaked out, hating that he did that to me. Hating that I wanted to reach out to him right then and hold him and tell him how much I missed him and that I was sorry. I fucking wanted to apologize because of what he had said to me. Can you believe that crap?

“How are you?”

Standard question. Too bad I didn’t know how to answer. “Good. You?”

He shrugged and it made me want to scream because Orli was normally so animated and always wanted to let you know what was going on in his life. He was smoking again, I could smell it on him, and that upset me too.

“Where’s Trophy?” I asked. So I can slap some sense into her, I silently added.

“Outside. Ran into a friend. You here with Sean?”

I nodded, at once not wanting Sean to come back ever and wanting him there beside me desperately.

Silence. I fidgeted. I’d never been so uncomfortable in his presence before. But then again, this was only a shadow of the Orli I had fallen in love with.

“You look beautiful.”

My head snapped up at that. Never in the time I had known him could I remember Orli ever having referred to me as beautiful. And there had been so many times I had wanted to hear it. Now though, it rang in my head as a death knell.

“Than – thank you,” I stuttered, feeling my reply was inadequate.

He gave a little smile, a perfect little Orli smile that tore at me inside, and then lifted his hand like he wanted to say something more. I wanted to hug him so badly it hurt. But I was afraid I would never let go if I did.

“Well this is a surprise. Hey Orli.”

I turned at Sean’s voice, finding I was grateful he was there. He and Orli shook hands and then I grabbed onto Sean’s arm like a lifeline. I needed that. I needed him to ground me, to bring me back to reality and out of the fantasy I always lived in when Orli was near. Sean sensed it though and I think this was a test because he pulled away from me, none too gently, telling me that he was going to get the car and bring it around and Orli and I could visit a few more minutes. And then he walked out, glancing back at me as he did so, watching me one last moment before the door closed.

Damn men. Damn them all to Hell.

“I… I had better go,” I said, needing out of there. Needing air.

“Torrie, wait.” He touched my sleeve, tugged on it.

I turned back to him, not wanting to meet his gaze, doing so anyway.

“Torrie, I… “ Those motions with his hands again. Little flutters in the air, signaling that he wanted to talk to me but didn’t know how or what to say. It hurt to see. We had always been so comfortable with each other. “Torrie, I know you hate me and I deserve that but I just want you to know I’m sorry. I never meant what I said to you.”

And here I was, lost all over again.

“Orli, no.” I shook my head, reaching out to touch his cheek, which was surprisingly cold. “I could never hate you, Orli. Ever. And I… I forgave you the moment you said it.”

He leaned into my touch, his eyes never leaving mine. We just stood there, watching each other, the silence between us once more comfortable. I realized that I wanted him to kiss me and I didn’t care if Sean came in and saw us. I wanted time to stop. And more than anything I wanted this beautiful creature to love me. God, Orli, I wanted to cry, why can’t you love me?

“Sean’ll be waiting for you,” he told me quietly, stepping back, out of my reach.

I nodded. “Yes. I… I’d better go.”

I backed towards the door, not wanting to let go of the sight of him. I knew it was wrong of me, I knew I had to stop being at his every whim, but I wanted very much for him to say he needed me. All he had to do was say that and I wouldn’t have left his side, to hell with Trophy and Sean and everyone else.

“It was good to see you,” he called out.

“You, too. Take… take care, Orli.”

He gave me what seemed to be a sad smile and nodded and I loved him at that moment more than ever before.

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