Getting the part of Legolas in Lord of the Rings had been the chance of a lifetime. I knew that. I wasn’t a total fucking idiot. And filming had been incredible and the release of Fellowship equally incredible. I had made all of these wonderful friends and none of us knew what was going to happen or how it would turn out. We didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what to expect. Certainly, none of my expectations matched what was thrown my way. I mean, I love what I do. Acting is the greatest job in the world. I want to keep doing what I do but… it seems that somewhere along the way I’m no longer supposed to be an actor, I’m supposed to just be a face. I’m supposed to fill seats in the theatre and sell posters and magazines and get people to tune into award shows. And while its all flattering that these strangers consider me so sexy or good-looking or what the fuck ever, it’s a little scary, too.

Do you know what fame is? Fame is waking up to find girls camped out on your lawn. Fame is being offered a blow job at the goddamned grocery store. Fame is receiving threats from jealous boyfriends who warn you that they will kick your ass if they ever see your face. Fame is some little girl killing herself because she would never get to meet you and be loved by you and then having her parents try to sue you over the matter. And you’re left with the guilt of that the rest of your fucking life. That’s fame. At least, that is what fame has become to me. And I fucking hate it.

I’m so tired. Just worn. And yet there’s no end in sight. There’s no stopping. There’s always somewhere to be, something to film, someone to shake hands with. I asked Julie if we could take a break, if we could just take a vacation and get away somewhere together, just the two of us. I thought it would help. It would help me forget… so many things. But she looked at me as if I had suggested a trip to the moon or something.

“Orlando,” she said. She refused to call me “Orli” anymore because the fans called me “Orli” and that was inappropriate or some shit. “Orlando, you can’t be serious? I’m on Cosmo this month. We have parties to attend, appearances to make. We can’t just take off somewhere on a whim.”

“Why not?” I demanded.

She rolled her eyes at me. “Oh Orlando. Do grow up.”

I heard that a lot from her. Orlando, do grow up. I just laugh now. Its all I can do.

Ever feel trapped? I created this hell. Sometimes when I want to really hurt myself, when I just think I deserve nothing less than pain, I let my thoughts just go where they may and I always end up thinking about Torrie and in moments all I hear is IloveherIloveherIloveherIloveherIloveher over and over again until I can’t stand it. Why did it take me so long to see it? I had loved her all along, I know that now, but I stupidly kept telling myself that she wasn’t my type, that she wasn’t what I wanted. When all along she was all I wanted. Who’s to say why we fall in love with certain people. I never would have guessed it would be her. And maybe that was my mistake.

Seeing her last week at the restaurant… God she had been beautiful. Or maybe she had always been that beautiful to me and I was only just now seeing it. Fuck. Well, at least she spoke to me, which was more than I expected. Even forgave me for my fucked up behavior at the premiere. Not that I really believed her. I think that comment of mine will likely forever hang between us, otherwise she would have called by now, just to talk. I want to call her. Sometimes I get so far as actually picking up the phone. But what would I say? Hey Torrie, wanna hit the clubs? Somehow, that doesn’t seem all that appropriate anymore. And its not like I could ask to go fishing with her or hang out with her at the Center… She has Sean for that now.

The doorbell. I laid there on the couch, where I had been since last night, considering not answering it, but then whoever was there was ringing it over and over and over again. It was either answer it or suffer a migraine in return. I took my time getting there, and the bell kept ringing, and I was beyond pissed by the time opened the door.

“What the fuck, OB?”

“Oh shit.” I rubbed a hand over my face, more to get away from the pissed off stare I was receiving from my visitor than anything. “Atti. I thought you were arriving tomorrow?”

“This morning, genius,” he muttered, pushing past me through the door, bags in hand. “Fuckin’ lucky for me I had your goddamned address. Had a cute cabby, though I think he was slightly insane.”

I stood there, barely remembering to shut the door, then turned back to find Atti staring at me. His gaze glanced at the cigarette in my hand then back to my face.

“Thought you quit?”

“Yeah. Me too.”

He frowned then stepped forward and gave me a hug. The contact felt good and I just kind of relaxed in his embrace, really needing the touch of a friend. He seemed to sense that – Atti always does – and he held me for a long while before finally stepping back and flashing a smile.

“Jaysus, OB! You look like shit.”

“Thanks.” Nothing like a friend to make you feel better about yourself.

He just grinned and followed me into the main room. “So where’s the ol’ ball and chain?”

“Don’t call her that.” It was too close to the truth. “She left for a shoot in Hawaii yesterday.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic!” Atti plopped down on the couch, kicking his feet up. “That means its just us guys and when the cats away… “ He trailed off, wriggling his eyebrows at me.

I just shook my head, putting out my cigarette and grabbing another out of the pack on the coffee table. Atti sat up and watched me and I tried to ignore him as I lit it, knowing that his expression was disapproving without seeing it. He sighed, didn’t say anything thank God, and I turned just in time to see him grab the empty scotch bottle off the end table. Shit.

“Have a party last night?” He glanced at me.

“No.” I blew out a steady stream of smoke, meeting his gaze.

“Never drink alone, OB,” was all he said, though he was frowning a lot.

Wanting to steer the conversation elsewhere, I showed him to the guestroom and we caught up on things while he tossed some of his clothes into the drawers and closet. He had just finished up a show that had a three month run and was now looking into something in LA. I was thrilled at the idea of having Atti around all of the time. It would make up for the loss of…

Fuck. Her again.

We wandered back out to the living room where Atti started telling me about all of the magazines I graced the covers of in Europe and the web chats he kept participating in that were filled with my fans asking him personal questions about me. He loved the fucking attention. He had fun with it, turned it into a game. Sometimes the things that would come out of his mouth… Well, if I ever said them I would catch hell for it. But Atti was that way. He could be completely outrageous and no one seemed to mind. It was endearing. The minute I did something that only bordered on outrageous, suddenly I was labeled as some sort of wild, untamable party boy. No one seemed to understand that I simply wanted to be a part of the action, I wanted to be there to see it, to feel the excitement, to feel life. I didn’t want to be the one causing it. And yet somehow I still got branded as the dangerous one when Elijah was fucking wilder than me when it came down to it.

“So would you like to tell me what’s going on?”

I looked up at Atti at his question. He was watching me, and he wasn’t smiling now. I just shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing more than usual.”

“Fuck that, OB,” he snapped, leaning toward me where I sat beside him on the couch. “I’ve never seen you like this. You’re not too far away from a walking skeleton, you’ve put away four cigarettes since I got here and you obviously just finished off that bottle of scotch sometime before I arrived. Is this some new improved fast track to an early grave or something?”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.” I tried to get up but he grabbed me arm and held me there.

“Stop lying to me, dammit. Or I’m outta here, OB.”

Silence. I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him there. And maybe he’d laugh and tell me what an idiot I was being and to forget about it and that my life was much better than I was making it out to be and that I really did love Julie. I was just wanting Torrie because I couldn’t have her. That’s what I wanted to hear. That’s what I had been telling myself for the past few weeks. And maybe now someone else could back me up.

I took a deep breath, realizing I hadn’t said any of this out loud to anyone. “I… I think I love her.” I closed my eyes. That wasn’t right. “I know I love her.”

Atti frowned. “Julie?”

I think I smiled at that. I don’t know. I just shook my head.

“Oh.” Then, “Oh!” Atti was catching on. “Torrie! You’re in love with Torrie!”

Someone give that man a prize.

“I don’t get it.” Atti shook his head. “What’s big deal? I mean, if you’re in love with Torrie then what the hell are you doing with Julie?”

“I didn’t know I loved Torrie,” I explained softly. “And now its too late.”

Atti made some clucking noise with his tongue. “It’s never too late for love, OB. You should know that.”

I shook my head. My eyes burned.

“Does Torrie know?”

Again I shook my head.

“So tell her!” Atti exclaimed. “That’s normally something you don’t want to keep from the object of your affection there, OB.”

I stood. I paced. I lit another cigarette. “You don’t understand, Atti. I can’t tell her.” I turned to face him. “She’s with Sean now. She loves him.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” Atti leaned back and regarded me for a moment. “You have to tell her, OB. Let her make the choice.”

“Fuck, Atti! I can’t do that to Sean!” I replied, the sting of the first tears hitting my cheeks. “He’s one of the Fellowship – he’s my friend! I’m not going to go in there and fuck up his happiness for my own selfish reasons.”

“Even if Torrie would be happier with you?”

I scoffed at that. “Look at me, Atti. Do you think I could really make her happy? Have I truly made any woman happy? How many of them have stayed with me because of the happiness I have given them? Fuck, even Julie is ready to bolt. I can see it.”

That hurt to admit. Every failed relationship came down to me. I know it did. I don’t know what drew them to me in the first place and God knows I’m learning its not enough to keep them there.

“Well if that isn’t some self-pity filled bullshit I don’t know what is!” Atti snapped, jumping to his feet. “Christ, OB. Any woman in her right mind would give her eye-fucking-teeth to be at your side and you damn well know it! You’re just wallowing in this pool of pity you’ve built around yourself and no one has seen fit to pull you out of it, for some fucking reason.”

I was shaking my head. “No, Atti. You don’t understand – “

The phone rang. We both stood there for a long moment before he flicked his hand toward it, telling me to pick it up. I did.

“Yeah?”

“Hey, Orli. Friendly neighborhood Hobbit here.”

“Hey, Sean. What’s up?” I tried to appear more pleasant that I felt at that moment. I glanced over at Atti who was wandering around the room, muttering to himself in German.

“Christine and I are having a little get-together tomorrow, just dinner and conversation, things like that, and we’d love for you to join us.”

“Oh… erm… sorry, Sean, but Atti’s visiting and I don’t – “

“Bring him along! We’d love to see him again. I’m trying to get as many of the Fellowship together as I can – at least those of us who are in town. Lij is bringing Becca, Viggo will be there, Dom, Sean and Torrie – “

“Sean and Torrie?” I repeated. “No, I don’t think – “

Atti snatched the phone from my hands. I tried to grab it back but he just pushed me out of the way. I was too tired to fight.

“Hey this is Atti. Is this Astin?… Hey. Don’t mind, OB. He’s in one of those morose moods… Yeah, that’s what I’m here for. Look, we’ll be there tomorrow. What time?…. Great! Need us to bring anything?… Cool. Maybe I can find some good German lager around here… Heh. Yeah. See you then.”

He hung up the phone. I glared. “What the fuck did you do that for? I don’t want to go.”

“Well you are going, my friend,” Atti told me, hauling me to my feet. “And you’re going to introduce me to this Torrie who you have spoken of so often but never had the courtesy to bring to meet me and I am going to figure out what the hell is going on between you two.”

“Please, Atti,” I begged. “Don’t do anything that – “

“OB.” He grabbed me by the arms, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You’re my friend. I want to help you. You mean a lot to me and right now you are scaring the shit out of me, okay? I can’t stand to see you like this. Now I know your life has gotten a little crazy with the release of the ‘Rings’ movies. Hell, that stupid fucking couple trying to sue you for their daughter’s death was beyond my understanding! But if there is something I can do to help you through it, and if that something is helping you to win the heart of the woman you are in love with, then I am going to do it. Got me?”

I nodded. Atti hugged me again, rubbing my back in a circular motion, whispering stupid things about how wonderful I was and how I needed to see that. I was so glad he was there. I just wanted someone I could talk to, someone like Atti who was not afraid to tell me to get over myself. Atti pulled away and told me what I really needed was a night on the town with him. Before I could protest he pushed me up the stairs, telling me to shower and for God’s sake shave and put on one of my frilly shirts because we were going to hit the clubs. And there was no arguing with Atti when he was determined to do something. So I did as he instructed and transformed myself into Orlando Bloom the actor and followed him out the door later that evening.

We hit three clubs before we found one that Atti termed acceptable. Like most good clubs it was dark and smoke-filled and the bass of the music vibrated through the floor beneath our feet. We found a booth in the corner and I ordered a scotch while Atti quickly surveyed the crowd. He asked me to dance but I shook my head, feeling slightly miserable at the moment. I needed a drink first. Atti shrugged and bounded out to the dance floor, quickly finding some good looking blond guy that he started dancing with. For the next half hour he bounced between the blond and some little redheaded female until all three of them were having a good time. I was finishing off my third drink when he came back to the table and plopped down beside me.

“C’mon, OB. You’re missing all the fun!”

“I don’t feel much like dancing, Atti.”

“You obviously feel like getting inebriated though, don’t you?” He asked, picking up my empty glass and glaring into it. “Oh wait. I don’t think there’s been a point today where you haven’t been inebriated.”

“Atti, don’t start.”

“Dance with me, then. Dance this goddamned shit out of your head.”

I let him pull me along, into the middle of the gyrating crowd, a mass of sweaty bodies pressing around us. The air was filled with too much perfume, too much cologne. I felt dizzy. Atti grabbed me and made me start dancing with him and then the little redhead joined us and at some point started groping me. I just let her. I really didn’t give a damn at the moment. Some while later Atti ended up pulling her away, I think he saw the look of disgust on my face but he interpreted it incorrectly. I wasn’t so much as disgusted with her as I was myself. Atti brought me there to get my mind off of things and all I could think about was the last time me and Elijah and Torrie had gone dancing together and how he had been there to fill some need for her that night that I had not seen, completely ignored. And then my mind turned to the night we had spent together, when I had made love to her, not knowing I was doing so, only concentrating on how good it felt. Thinking I only did it because I was drunk. When all along I had wanted her, I had longed for her touch, and I shouldn’t have let her walk out the door. I should have done whatever it took to keep her there.

I didn’t know where Atti was. He got swallowed up by the crowd and then some fangirl was suddenly all over me, her hands getting more familiar than I should have allowed but I just stood there, letting her touch me, and she was pressing herself against me and telling me how sexy I was and what an incredible Elf I made and she really wanted to give me something in return for all the pleasure my pretty eyes gave her and would I please let her do that for me? And I let her drag me from the dance floor to the back of the club, remaining mute as she pushed me against the wall and kissed me with her cold, thin lips and her tongue probed and I just opened my mouth and let her continue to taste me. Then her hands were on my fly and she dropped to her knees and took me in her mouth and began sucking me off.

I felt nothing. I was numb. And it terrified me.

I looked up and Atti was standing across from me, his arms folded over his chest. Watching. Angry. He stepped forward, grabbed the girl by the hair and yanked her away, pushing her across the hall.

“Hey! I’m not finished!” She whined.

“Yes you are,” Atti replied, his gaze still on me.

She cussed us both out then got up and stomped off back to the club.

“Put your goddamned cock away, OB,” Atti muttered.

I did as he told me and then he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out of the club. Neither if us spoke a word as he pushed me toward the parking lot, then fished through my pockets for the car keys. I sat in the passenger seat without complaint, flinching slightly when Atti slammed the door across from me. He started the car, then sat back, his hands gripping the wheel.

“I don’t get you, OB,” he said turning to me, his eyes sad. “I don’t understand where this destructive behavior is coming from. I don’t understand any of it.’

“Neither do I,” I whispered, before leaning my head against the cool glass of the window and passing out.

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