“Stop fidgeting, OB,” Atti commented as we stood outside the Astin’s door. I sighed. “You look good enough to eat, you know, “ he teased.

I frowned. That afternoon Atti had insisted on me looking my best for the gathering at Sean’s. Then he went on to tell me that I really did look like shit and my friends were going to panic if they saw me like that so I had best do whatever it took to look presentable. I hated it when he was so fucking honest. He made me wear a white button-down shirt and black pants, saying I needed to stay conservative if I was going to get anyone to look past the circles under my eyes. One blessing was that he hadn’t brought up my behavior the night before all day. God knows I would have deserved it if he had.

The door opened to reveal a grinning Sean Astin.

“Orli! Atti! Come on in!” He ushered us inside just as Christine came around the corner of the hallway to greet us and give us both hugs.

Atti handed them a couple bottles of wine we had purchased and they thanked us while leading us into the living room. Elijah appeared out of nowhere, almost knocking me over in an exuberant hug. After all, it had been a while since we had seen each other. Dom jumped up next and Viggo was there as well, all grabbing me in a hug and slapping me on the back and saying things like “It’s been awhile, man” and “We need to get together sometime” and crap like that. I smiled and nodded and went through the motions, relaxing only when I finally felt someone press a drink into my hand. I think it was Elijah. Bless him.

The doorbell rang. Sean excused himself and Elijah pulled Becca over and we reacquainted ourselves with one another while Atti began chatting with Viggo. Becca was actually really cute and sweet, and she and Elijah were holding the hands the whole time and he would occasionally lean over and whisper something in her ear that made her giggle. It was difficult to watch. I mean, I was happy as hell for Elijah that he obviously enjoyed being with so much but it still hurt. I wanted to be happy again. I really did.

“Torrie!” Elijah exclaimed and I gritedt my teeth, glancing over at Atti as Elijah moved away from Becca’s side to throw himself at Torrie.

“Gods, Lij!” I heard Torrie laugh. “It’s not like we haven’t seen in each other in the past week.”

“Can’t I be happy to see you?” Elijah asked. “Hey Sean. Just get back in town?’

“Yeah. We’re actually here straight from the airport,” Sean answered.

There were other greetings called out. I refused to turn around. I stood there, holding my drink, watching as Atti approached me. He gave me a hard look then turned to face the others.

Loudly, he said, “So Orli, this must be the infamous Torrie that you’ve told me all about. Why don’t you introduce us?”

Bad, bad choice of words, Atti, I thought as the room grew quiet. I feared that Torrie would think I had told him all about the premiere and the words I had said to her and she would learn to hate me further. Atti poked me and I turned around to find Sean and Torrie standing not but a few feet from us and Torrie looked so incredibly beautiful to me in tight-fitting white sweater and black jeans, her hair pulled back off of her face. I waited for something bad to happen -- I was always waiting for that lately – but then Torrie suddenly stepped forward.

“And you must be Atti. Nice to finally meet you face to face.” She smiled and they hugged each other and I just stood there kind of stupefied.

Sean walked up beside me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Hey there, Orli. How’re things?”

“Good. Thanks.”

“Sean,” Elijah called from across the room. “What’re you doing back here so soon? Thought you flew back to England.”

“I did.” He moved past me, giving a quick kiss to Torrie’s cheek, before heading over to the three Hobbits. “Torrie and I are getting a place together. I came back out to help her look.”

I felt the wind get knocked out of me. I sat down on the couch hard. I heard Atti make some noise beside me. I still hadn’t said anything to Torrie and now I didn’t think I could. I tried to close off the voices around me as people began asking about the kind of house they were looking for and how cool it would be for Sean to be out here all of the time and that now they just had to get Billy and Ian to move out here and things would be great. Yeah, mother fucking great. I finished off my drink and quickly rose, moving toward the kitchen to get another. Luckily, the only person in there was Christine, busy getting dinner together. She told me to help myself and I did, not finding scotch but locating the vodka which was enough. I poured a glass and drank it down then poured another before grabbing it and returning to the gathering.

Atti had the group at rapt attention, telling them all about the last play he had been performing. Torrie was standing beside Sean near the window and his arm was wrapped around her waist and I gripped the glass I held hard. She laughed at something Atti said and I found myself trying to remember the last time I had made her laugh like that. But I couldn’t recall it. And then she was looking at me and our gazes met and I realized she was giving me the same expression Atti had when he had first appeared at the door yesterday. As if she didn’t know who I was, didn’t recognize me. That made me feel like complete shit. I mean, the last thing I wanted was pity from her. I turned away, breaking the contact, finding something to occupy my attention. Actually, I wasn’t really looking at anything, just nursing my drink while Atti’s voice droned on behind me. In a way, I kind of wished that Julie had been there. She would have been something to concentrate on at least.

I smelled her before I felt her touch my arm, before I heard her ask softly, “Orli?”

Fuck. Go away. Fuck. Go away. Fuck.

I turned, finding Torrie standing at my side, her gaze searching my face. I didn’t meet her eyes, focused over her shoulder. It was safer.

“Weren’t you planning on speaking to me tonight?” She asked tentatively.

Fuck. That’s it, Orli. Hurt her again.

“Yes… I mean… I’m sorry, Torrie. I just… “ I sighed. “My minds just been on things is all.”

“Oh.” She wrapped her arms around herself and stood there, kind of looking past my shoulder the way I was with her.

Amazing. So much I wanted to say to her, so much I couldn’t say.

“So you and Sean are getting a place together? That’s great,” I told her.

Torrie smiled. Kind of. “Yeah. He wants… I mean, we would like to be able to spend more time together.”

I frowned. She didn’t sound as happy as she should have. “Torrie – “

“Dinner’s ready!” Christine called and before I knew it Sean was there guiding Torrie away and we were all ushered into the dining room.

I shouldn’t have worried about not being able to talk to her. Someone was having fun with me that night. We were told to sit by each other. I was on her left and Sean on her right and Atti sat across from us and I couldn’t look at him because I knew what I’d see, I knew he’d be taunting me, as if he expected me to just jump up there at the table and declare my love for her. I wish he could understand that I would never do that to Sean. I watched him and Torrie out of the corner of my eye during the meal. He would occasionally lean over to her and kiss her cheek or reach out and tuck a stray strand of hair from her ponytail behind her ear. He kept her wine glass filled and rested his hand on her thigh and what hurt worst about all of it was that he treated her so goddamned well and it was exactly as she should be treated. And I found myself wanting to hate Sean – I actually wanted to hate one of the members of the Fellowship! But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t because he was doing everything right and I had to make myself realize that I just waited too long. I let her go. And maybe it was right that I pay for my own mistake.

Much of the meal was spent with everyone complimenting Christine on the food. Dom told some jokes and he and Elijah goofed off as usual, sending us all into laughter. Then Atti started in with what he affectionately termed his “OB Stories”. I tried to ignore them but I would find Torrie watching me occasionally and I would have to smile at her and assure her that half of what he said was bullshit anyway.

“Of course not every stupid thing that OB has done has been on his own,” Atti commented, flashing me a glance before turning his gaze to Torrie.

God, Atti. Don’t do this, I thought in a panic.

“Do tell,” Elijah encouraged.

“Well, there was the time I received a right in the middle of rehearsal from a slightly inebriated OB and his slightly inebriated roommate.”

Everyone looked at me and Torrie. I didn’t want to have to listen to stories about the two of us. I didn’t want that kind of reminder. Torrie simply buried her face in her hands and refused to look at anyone.

“So here I am on the phone, wondering what the hell he is calling for and I hear Torrie in the background calling out that she doesn’t want to have to puke on the neighbors doorstep.” Snickers from the table. “And I ask ‘OB, what the fuck? Do you know how busy I am at the moment?’ and OB replies ‘No, do you?’ So I realize I’m not going to get anywhere with that conversation and I ask him what the hell he was calling for. ‘Torrie and me locked ourselves out of the apartment’ he says and again in the background I hear ‘Don’t blame me for it, ya friggin tool’” More laughter. “So I say ‘OB, what the hell do you think I can do?’ And he replies ‘I was hoping you could let us in’. And I just sat there for the longest moment and finally said ‘OB, I’m in fucking Germany!’ And there is this long pause followed by ‘Oh. Right mate. Forgot about that. Talk to you later’ and he hangs up!”

Okay, it wasn’t that funny. Apparently Elijah thought so though because he was pounding on the table and Dom fell out of his chair. Even Viggo was laughing heartily, something one rarely saw. I glanced over at Torrie who just had this mortified expression on her face and Sean who was chuckling and teasing her about not wanting to puke on the neighbor’s doorstep.

Astin wiped the tears from his eyes, and asked, “So how did you two finally get in?”

I sighed, glanced at Torrie who grimaced and replied, “Well, we slept in the car – after I puked in the bushes.” She paused to let them laugh at her some more. “Then we woke up and Orli realized that the keys were in his pocket.”

Oh yeah. We sat there together like little troopers while the table fell about laughing again. I finally had to allow a smirk, as I began recalling many of the hilarious moments Torrie and I spent together. She must have been thinking the same because we both glanced up at one another and she offered me a little smile and I returned it and in her eyes I saw a reflection of the past. I remembered nights sleeping curled up next to each other and food fights in the kitchen and late nights in front of cartoons and driving around in her convertible with the music blaring and us singing at the top of our lungs. Long distance phone calls where I just needed to hear her voice.

I excused myself from the table and wandered into the kitchen, searching for the vodka bottle. Not locating it, I did find an unopened bottle of bourbon and opened it. I hated bourbon, but anything would do. I was going to kill Atti when we got home, that much was certain. Torrie had been so tense sitting beside me during Atti’s tale of the phone call. I didn’t understand that. She should have been laughing with the rest of them. Then again, I should have too. I guess, like me, she knew that everything they were laughing and joking about was the past and would never be recaptured again. The friendship we shared was over, though no one seemed to acknowledge that, but we knew it and it made being in the same room together difficult. All because of that one night…

“What are you doing to yourself?”

I jumped at the low voice behind me, turning to find Sean leaning against the doorway, watching me. I glanced over his shoulder to see that Torrie still sat at the table, now abandoned by both of us.

Returning my gaze to his, I asked, “What are you talking about?”

“Look at yourself, Orli. You look like crap. Everyone sees it.” He was frowning at me. He lowered his voice further. “Torrie sees it and it’s hurting her. I don’t like seeing her hurt, Orli.”

I turned back to the counter, poured the bourbon, swallowed it down and attempted not to gag. “I don’t see how my appearance could hurt her, Sean.”

“Don’t you?” Sean stepped into the kitchen.

I so didn’t want a confrontation. Not now.

“Torrie cares about her friends, Orli, or didn’t you know that? You two lived together for how long and you truly believe she wouldn’t worry when you show up looking like a goddamned drug addict?”

I winced. Poured another glass.

Sean snorted in apparent disbelief. “Hitting it a little hard, aren’t you kid?”

“I’m not a kid,” I muttered, not reaching for the glass though I wanted to. Badly.

“I see.” Sean folded his arms, kept watching me even though I refused to meet his gaze. “Look Orli, I don’t know what you are trying to prove by this downhill spiral of yours – I don’t know if its your way of getting back at fame or the press or your fans or what but its hurting those who care about you. A lot more than you seem to realize. I mean to take care of Torrie, to keep her happy. But as long as you attempt to destroy yourself, that’s never going to happen.”

I laughed suddenly, harshly. “Tell Torrie to mind her own fucking business then.”

Sean’s eyes narrowed. I turned from his gaze, picked up my glass, swirling the gold liquid in it, allowing the silence to continue. Sean stepped back.

“Guess you plan on alienating every single one of us then, eh kid?” He turned and walked out.

I drained the glass, grabbed the bottle and headed back out to the table.

Dinner ended and everyone gathered back in the family room to continue the conversation. Torrie asked after Alexandra and Sean said she was visiting her grandparents which was why they thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get the group together. Inevitably, talk turned to the films and how crazy the release of The Two Towers had been. It was still number one in the world and daily climbing the charts. We were all proud of the incredible work that had come of all those months in New Zealand, there was no denying that. But it was slowly becoming this monster that we really hadn’t expected. At least, I hadn’t. Maybe I had never known what to expect. I wasn’t really too engrossed in the conversation though. My attention kept straying to Torrie and Sean, where they sat on the couch together. She was leaning against his shoulder, her eyes occasionally dropping closed as if she were being lulled to sleep by the conversation. I wanted her to fall asleep against me again, curled together in bed, holding hands. If nothing else, I wanted to close my eyes and dream about it. But I knew I wouldn’t.

“I guess there could be worse things than to be fantasized about by women all over the world. Right, Orli?” Dom asked.

“What?” I glanced up, pulling my attention back to the group. They were all grinning at me.

“Good thing he stays away from the internet,” Elijah added. “If he saw the trouble his fans go to on there, his ego would have to end up taking out its own insurance policy.”

They all laughed. I took another swig of bourbon, getting used to the nasty stuff.

“I’d like to know why he has multiple Estrogen Brigades out there and I don’t have a single one!” Dom demanded with a pout.

“Only pretty boys get Estrogen Brigades, Dom, “ Viggo pointed out with a smile.

I grounded my teeth together at that.

“To our Elf, the pretty boy,” Elijah announced, lifting his beer.

“Here, here,” they chorused, lifting their glasses in kind. It was actually painful to hear. Was that how they all saw me? Nothing more than the face that was plastered all over those magazines. Was that all I was to anyone? A pretty face to drive little girls to their deaths?

“Fuck you all,” I muttered, staring into my glass.

Viggo was closest to me. He turned to look at me, his eyes seeking mine. “What was that Orli?”

I looked up. They were all watching me now. Even Torrie had sat up. “Fuck… you… all.”

Sean, our host, took a step toward me. “Whoa. Look, Orli, man – “

“No!” I shouted. “You look!” I stepped forward, my arms spread wide, parading for all of them to see. “This is what you want to see, right? Your fucking pretty boy? You find it all so goddamned amusing that I have women camped out on my lawn, grabbing my balls in the frozen food section – SLITTING THEIR FOURTEEN YEAR OLD FUCKING THROATS!! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT!” I hollered. “NONE OF YOU! SO FUCK OFF!”

I bolted out of the room, toward the door, leaving the silence of the room behind me. I didn’t make it very far though. The front yard, the driveway. Then I just collapsed.

It hit me again how cold I was. I sat there on the bumper of my car, shaking, my arms wrapped around myself, wishing I could be warm again. Wishing all of the pain would just go away. I realized I had lost it, I had jumped all over my friends, the people who cared about me and they didn’t deserve that. But I just had it. I couldn’t listen to this crap anymore about who I am and what I am supposed to be. To do so would to give in to the insanity of it all. I wanted to lock myself in a tiny dark room and never come out again. I just wanted to be… alone. Strange, considering how sick I was of feeling lonely.

Footsteps. I wiped at the few tears that had escaped and tried to sit up straighter, prepared to face whoever it was that had come to retrieve me. Most likely Atti. He would tell me what a complete tool I was being and make me get in the car so we could go home. Then he would tease me as to how I had ruined his evening of fun.

“Orli?”

My head snapped around at Torrie’s voice and I could do little more than watch as she came around the corner of the car, her worried gaze never leaving mine. I didn’t want her there. I couldn’t take it. I wasn’t strong enough, not when her hand reached out and cupped my cheek and she knelt before me on the ground, her other hand laying gently against my knee.

“Orli, baby, what is it?”

I broke. I just crumbled against her, sobbing. She gathered me into her arms, saying nothing, stroking my back and my hair and whispering soft words to me that I didn’t understand. I began babbling then, telling her everything that happened with the teenage girl who had killed herself – she had been fourteen and her name was Amanda – and how her parents and their lawyer had drummed it into me that it was my fault. And Julie told me I was just taking it all too personally and that I had to stop crying over my fame and fortune when so many others would kill for the luck I had and I thought that maybe she was right and I was an ass for not appreciating everything that was happening to me. But at night I would dream about some poor little girl hating life because I existed and yet wasn’t a part of hers and I couldn’t sleep anymore because I would always see the photo’s of Amanda’s face and I didn’t know how much longer I could handle it.

Torrie held me tightly while I trembled and cried against her. I don’t know how long we were there on the driveway but I was exhausted by the time my tears finally began to subside. She had moved to lean against the bumper and I was lying against her, the sound of her heart thrumming in my ear. It was such a beautiful sound. Her hand moved across my back, rhythmically, tenderly, while the other held one of mine. I felt her kiss the top of my head and I closed my eyes, pretending these were different circumstances, happy ones, where I had just told her I loved her and she was no longer with Sean and told me she loved me too. The tears threatened again.

“It wasn’t your fault, baby,” she whispered against my hair.

“Wasn’t it?” I asked flatly. “If I didn’t exist, then Amanda would still be alive.”

Torrie grabbed my chin and lifted my head up hard to meet her gaze. I winced. “Don’t you ever say anything like that again, Orlando Bloom! Do you understand me? My God, how can you even think such a thing let alone utter it out loud – to me of all people!” She was pissed at me, her eyes flashing, even though they also overflowed with tears. I felt like shit for making her cry. “Orli, do you realize how much happiness you bring to people daily? You. Not Orlando Bloom the actor, just Orli, the beautiful man with a boy’s heart.”

I shook my head, pulling from her touch. “No. There are other girls like that Amanda out there. And there will be more. For some stupid reason there will be. I can’t be everything to everyone, Torrie and I feel like I’m at fault if I don’t try. And it hurts.”

“Orli, you don’t have to be anything to anyone if you don’t want to,” Torrie told me softly. “Look at me, please.”

I did. There was a lone tear running down her cheek that I had caused. Sean’s words about wanting to make her happy came back to me. He’d kill me if he saw her now. I reached out and brushed it away, our gazes never straying from each other.

“You’re scaring me, Orli,” she said. “You’re so different from the man I met on the pier.”

“I don’t think he exists anymore,” I replied. I tried to smile. “Maybe I’m just mourning his demise.”

She didn’t return the smile. If anything, she looked angry. “This isn’t funny.”

“Isn’t it? My entire life has become a joke,” I told her. “I’m sure everyone in the house is laughing about it right now. They laughed about it earlier. They make jokes about how they can’t open a magazine without seeing some article proclaiming how hot I am and how women all over the world are having fantasies about me and they can laugh because it isn’t happening to them. Because they aren’t the ones who are losing their identity.”

Torrie touched my cheek again. “No, baby. The people in that house love you. And they’re just as scared as I am. They’re trying to help you cope. They’re trying to make you laugh at it. They’re letting you know that you aren’t alone. We’re all here for you, Orli.”

“Then why do I feel so lonely?”

She shook her head. “You’re the only one who can answer that, hon. Maybe Trophy – “

“Julie doesn’t love me, Tor,” I snapped, angry that I was finally admitting it out loud. “It’s not like it is with you and Sean between us. Julie will continue to hang around until I can no longer her offer her anything she can’t get on her own. It just took me awhile to see it. She seemed so sweet at the beginning… but that wasn’t the real her.”

“Then why – “

I shrugged, knowing her question. “Because I’m used to her. I’ve become used to having her around.”

Torrie gave me a small smile. “You seem to have a habit of that.”

I winced. Was that how she felt? That I somehow allowed her to live with me all of that time simply because I had gotten used to having her around? And what if she was right? I had taken advantage of everything she had given me. No wonder she left when she did.

“There you two are.”

We both glanced up to see Sean and Atti standing over us. Atti was watching me silently, his eyes questioning. I just gave a small shrug. Sean crouched down beside us, first looking at Torrie then over at me.

“You okay, Orli?” He asked.

“Umm … Yeah. I’m all right.” I looked away from their stares, my gaze focusing on the ground. “I’m sorry about the way I went off in there. I just… I don’t know. Letting things get to me, I guess.”

“It’s okay.” Sean patted my shoulder. “We all need to let off a little steam once in awhile.” He turned back to Torrie, who was still holding my hand, her thumb caressing the underside of my wrist. “Ready to go home, little girl?”

“Yeah.”

She pulled her hand from mine and stood and I almost cried out at the sudden loss. She moved past me over to Atti and whispered something to him I couldn’t hear. I glanced up to find Sean still watching me. We both remained silent though until Torrie moved back over between us. Sean stood but Torrie leaned over me, her hand brushing across my forehead, her touch light and gentle.

“Please call me if you need anything, okay?” She asked quietly.

I knew I wouldn’t. “Sure.”

Then she placed a kiss against my forehead and was gone.

Atti knelt down beside me and we both were silent as Torrie and Sean drove off in her car.

“Damn. You were right.”

I glanced over at him. “What?”

“He does love her.”

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