I laid there in the bed, staring at the bright lights above me while all around the frantic sounds of the Emergency Room reached my ears. Reaching up, I gingerly touched the bandage across my broken nose, product of the deployment of the driver’s side airbag. It was nothing really – I’d suffered a broken nose before. My back was killing me, which was to be expected. They’d given me a shot of Thorazine and everything around me was a little fuzzy and I should have been able to give over to sleep but I wouldn’t allow it to come. I wanted to feel the pain. Anything was preferable to feeling the pain in my heart.

I kept trying to ask people about Torrie but no one would tell me anything. The nurses would ask me to lay back down and remain quiet and the doctors would say that was information for her immediate family only. Perhaps this was some form of punishment for what I had done. It felt like punishment, the not knowing.

When I had come to, perhaps only seconds after the car had crashed into the light pole, I had at first tasted the blood that ran into my mouth. It took a moment for everything to come back to me and then I had turned to Torrie. The passenger side didn’t have an airbag. She had apparently been thrown forward into the dash with the force of the hit, there was a deep gash across her forehead from which the blood streamed. I had screamed, punching the airbag away to get to her.

“Torrie?” I called out her name, crawling across the seat to her, touching her face. “Torrie, angel? Baby, speak to me, please.”

She was breathing but unconscious. I cradled her against me, ignoring the tapping on the glass at my window of some passer-by who had witnessed the crash. I brushed the blood-soaked strands of hair from her face, tried to wipe it from her eyes and cheeks, kissed her lips softly.

“Please, Torrie. Please be all right. I didn’t mean this, baby. I didn’t. You know I would never hurt you,” I whispered. “I love you so much. I’ve always loved you. Please, angel, please. Please wake up.”

She didn’t. I held her in my arms until the paramedics arrived and they had to pry me away from her. I begged them to let me stay with her but they stuck me in a different ambulance. I haven’t seen her since.

“Orli?”

I glanced over at the curtain where Elijah was peaking his dark head around the corner. I almost cried at the sight of him.

“Lij!” I sat up, a little too quickly as the world spun around me. He seemed to realize it because he was quickly at my side, a steadying hand on my arm.

“You okay?” He asked quietly.

The concern in his voice hurt most of all. “Yes. I’m fine. But they won’t tell me anything about Torrie. I keep asking and asking and everyone ignores me. I want to see her – “

Elijah shook his head. “That’s not a good idea, Orli. Not right now.”

“But – “

“Sean’s here and he’s fuckin’ pissed, man. I’ve never seen him like this. Torrie’s been the only one to keep him from coming and looking for you.”

I blinked. “Torrie’s awake? Is she okay?”

Elijah regarded me a moment before answering, “Yeah. She’s awake. She’s got a concussion and a few cracked ribs from the seat belt. They’re going to keep her here overnight for observation.”

I closed my eyes and offered a silent prayer to whatever force was out there that kept her from being seriously injured.

“Why’d you do it, Orli?” Elijah asked suddenly. “Why’d you drive after drinking that much? Torrie said she begged you to pull over and you wouldn’t.”

“She said that?”

Elijah nodded and I finally had to turn away from his deep.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I felt… out of control, I guess.” Wanting to steer the conversation elsewhere, I asked, “Where’s Becca? And how did you get here?”

“I took her home. The hospital called Sean and Sean called Viggo. Viggo called me figuring you might need a little support.”

I offered him a small smile. “Thank you, Lij.”

I winced at the glare he flashed me. “I’m only here because you’re a member of the Fellowship and you used to be Orli, one of my best friends. I don’t know who the hell you are anymore though.”

The truth was, neither did I. But I think I was beginning to see. Oh yeah. I could see pretty fucking clearly what I was at that moment. A shit. A bastard. A fuck-up. Hell, maybe even an alcoholic. You name it. I had almost killed my best friend, the woman I loved more than anything on this world, and for no other reason than I wasn’t happy with the way life was treating me at the moment. This must be what rock bottom felt like. This was what it was like to reach the end of your tether. I couldn’t fall much further.

“Look, I’m going to go see if its okay to get you out of here, ‘kay?” Elijah tapped my shoulder and walked away, disappearing once more around the curtain.

I continued to sit there for a long time, listening to the sounds around me, a baby crying, some woman screaming in Spanish, monitors beeping, gurneys rolling by. I rolled the sleeves of my shirt down, glancing at the bandage over my vein where they had drawn some blood. What was my blood alcohol level? I wondered. Because I was sure as hell sober now. Fuck it. I didn’t care if Sean did beat the shit out of me, I had to see Torrie. I had to apologize, even if she never forgave me.

Sliding down from the bed, I grabbed my coat and pushed back the curtain, glancing around, looking for a familiar face. Nothing. A couple of interns pushed past me and I grabbed one by the arm.

“Excuse me, can you tell me where to find Victoria Adams? She was in a car accident – “

“Sorry, sir, I’m busy right now,” she said, pulling away and hurrying off.

I watched her go, then turned to find the information desk. Maybe they could tell me something. The ER seemed unbelievably packed that night. From what I could tell there had been food poisoning at some convention in town and all of the persons affected had been brought there. I was just about to hit the lobby, when I saw Sean a few feet away from me. He was talking to a doctor and hadn’t seen me yet. I could have easily turned away, disappeared down some corridor but I didn’t. I wanted him to see me. I wanted to apologize. He deserved that much from me. So I took a few steps forward, hanging back to let him finish his conversation with the doctor, when he suddenly glanced up and our gazes met.

“You fucking little cuss!” He sneered and then he came at me and before I could react his fist rammed into my jaw, snapping my head back. He grabbed me by the shirt and slammed me into the wall, lifting me off of my feet. “After everything we’ve done for you, this is the way you repay us?!”

“Please, Sean,” I choked out. “Let me – “

“What were you thinking, you shit? That since you couldn’t have her, no one could?”

I blinked at that, wondering for a moment if he knew. No, how could he? I stammered, “Sean, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean – “

“Didn’t mean to try to kill someone who has done nothing but put up with your shit and forgive you for it over and over again?” Sean demanded, slamming me hard into the wall again. “Is that what you didn’t mean?”

I was about to say something else when he was suddenly pulled off of me by a couple of interns and Elijah was there between the two of us, looking from one to the other like he couldn’t decide who to side with. Sean shrugged the interns off of him, saying that he was calm but then he turned back to me and the anger in his face caused me to cringe back against the wall.

“Don’t you ever come near her again, you understand, Orlando? Don’t come near her, don’t talk to her, don’t even fucking look at her or so help me God I will rip your skinny little ass to shreds. Got it?” He glanced for a moment at Elijah then pushed past us, back down the hall toward the main part of the hospital. Back to Torrie.

I slid down the wall to the floor, my head in my hands. Fuck. What had I done?

“Mr. Bloom?”

I looked up to find two police officers standing over me, Elijah still beside me, shaking his head slowly. “Yes?”

“Sir, would you come with us, please? We need to take you down to the station for some questions regarding the accident.”

I sighed. “Why don’t you just say you’re arresting me for drunk driving?”

They didn’t acknowledge my question. “Sir, come with us, please.”

I climbed to my feet. Elijah touched my arm. “I’ll follow in my car.”

I shook my head, not wanting to drag him into this. “You don’t have to.”

“I know. I want to.”

It was about six hours before I was finally able to leave the police station and the sun had already risen high in the sky. They charged me with driving under the influence and reckless endangerment and a shit load of other infractions. The judge placed bail at $15,000 and gave me the contact information to some rehab place that I was supposed to contact the next day. Elijah posted bail for me and my lawyer promised that everything would be taken care of. My court date was set in four weeks. I really didn’t care what happened. Lock me up for all I cared. At least I wouldn’t be a danger to anyone. My lawyer said the worst that would happen would be deportation. Fucking great.

Elijah drove me home. The silence in the car was almost unbearable. Especially from him. I was used to him always teasing me about the crazy and stupid shit I did. I was used to him laughing me out of my worst moments. But the silence… it as almost too much. I didn’t want to lose him too, but I feared that maybe I had. Maybe this was the last straw. I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the window, my thoughts returning to the accident. Torrie had looked so helpless and vulnerable laying in my arms. The thought of losing her… If I had killed her, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to live with such guilt, such pain. Instead, I had to live knowing that I could have killed her, and that I have lost her in a different way. She was still out there, but not for me. Never for me.

“Lij? Could you pull the car over? I think I’m gonna be sick.”

He did and I promptly lurched out the door to my knees, retching on the side of the road until I thought I would cough up a lung or two. Elijah came around and knelt beside me, gently rubbing my back to calm me. When there was nothing left to come up, I sat back, leaning against the side of the car, Elijah beside me, silent.

“I really fucked up this time, didn’t I, Lij?”

“Yeah, Orli,” he answered quietly. “You really did.”

When we finally got to my place, Elijah offered to stay awhile but I assured him I would be fine. He didn’t seem to believe me and I knew what he was thinking. It as hard to explain to him that I felt perhaps the crash was the best thing that could have happened to me. My eyes were open now and I didn’t like what I saw. After he left, I wandered around the house for a long time, just thinking.

I loved Torrie. That was something I was going to have to learn to deal with. I was stupid and didn’t see it until it was too late, and that was something else I was going to have to deal with. She would never be mine and I would have to accept that. I needed to be happy for her and Sean and I was, I really was. I just… I guess I was beginning to realize what I had lost and that really fucked me up. The worst of it was, I could have kept her friendship. I know that now. She had tried so hard and I kept hurting her, pushing her away. I could have at least always had her there, to talk to, to hang with. Now I had lost that as well. And it was no one’s fault but my own. So what now? Well, I guess that was the question, wasn’t it?

I called my mum and told her what had happened. She, of course, freaked – what else are mum’s for? – but I assured her that I was okay and so was Torrie. She wanted me to come home but I had to remind her about my Court date and all. Then she decided she was coming to visit me. You can’t tell mum no. After I hung up with her, I called Atti.

“’Lo?”

“Hey Atti.”

“OB! Hey mate, what’s up?”

“Where would you like me to start?”

Silence. Then, “What happened?”

I explained it to him. All of it. Right through Sean’s attack and the police station. Atti listened silently, casting no judgments against me, just as I knew he wouldn’t. When I was done, I sat there quietly, on the floor of my bedroom, waiting for him to speak.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he said finally. “And Torrie.”

“Yeah.” I started biting on a nail. I didn’t know where my cigarettes had gone to. “Listen, Atti… I want to apologize. For everything. I’ve been a real shit lately and I just want you to know I really appreciate how you’ve stuck by me and all.”

“I’m your friend, OB. No thanks needed.”

“Yeah, well. Its there anyway.”

More silence. Then, “OB, what’re you going to do now?”

“What can I do? Try to get back to being Orlando, I guess. From there, I don’t know. My lawyer said they may try to deport me because of the accident. And then there’s Torrie… I just… I want to apologize to her… “

“I wish you would just suck it up and tell her you love her,” Atti commented.

I laughed. “I can’t do that, Atti. Especially now. I have to accept that she and Sean are happy together. I gave up my chance a long time ago. Besides, I doubt I’m the last person she would want to see right now.”

“No, probably not. But if you gave it sometime… “

“I need to stop living in a dream world, Atti, and come back to reality. Maybe someday her and I will be friends again. That would be nice, ya know?”

He didn’t really say much more about it. We chatted another hour about what he’d been up to lately and some mutual friends and he made me promise to take care of myself and call again soon. Then we hung up.

I figured if I could get through the next month, I could pretty much handle anything. Mum came out and stayed with me and rented a car and drove me to the counselor the Court had set me up with and basically insisted on babying me though I assured her I didn’t need that. We had some long talks and I told her all about Torrie and she admitted that she had suspected my feelings all along but couldn’t understand why I had never said anything to Torrie. She agreed that now would be awkward since Torrie and Sean were so close but she told me I should have said something the moment I realized my feelings. She was right. I don’t know what would have come of it, but at least it wouldn’t have eaten away at me for so long.

Mum stayed long enough to be with me in Court. Luckily, my lawyer seemed to pull some strings – he claimed it was an easy thing to do when it came to actors – and I think New Line had a few things to say as well because they decided not to send me packing. Instead they took my license, made me pay a hefty fine and two hundred hours of community service. The judge said I had shown good faith in attending rehab regularly and as long as I didn’t commit any more felonies, we would get alone just fine. The truth was, I could no longer look at a bottle of alcohol without feeling sick. It just reminded me of Torrie and what I had done and psychologically my mind just didn’t want to deal with that anymore. Sure, someday it would wear off and I would be on my own again, though hopefully stronger and better able to fight it, but at the moment, my mind just wouldn’t let me touch the stuff.

By the time mum returned to England, I felt like I was almost my old self again. God knows she fed me enough to make me two of my old selves! I promised to come home soon and sent some gifts with her for Sam and found myself missing England immensely. I wasn’t prepared to give in and go back though. Not yet. I had too many things to prove to myself still. Too many things I still had to do to prove to myself that I was strong again.

Sitting at home one afternoon, waiting for my agent to call regarding some new scripts she wanted to meet with me over, the doorbell rang, pulling me from the reverie I had entered into while listening to the Tea Party. Strange as it was, I found myself relating to so much of their music and inwardly I thanked Torrie for turning me onto them every time I played their CD’s.

Getting up, I wound my way through the house where I opened the door to find Elijah standing on the porch. We both just kind of looked at each other for a long time, then he launched himself at me. “Jesus, Orli! You look great!”

I staggered back, hugging him, laughing. “Er… thank, Lij. That’s not a come on, is it? Because if it is, well I might just have to take you up on the offer.”

Elijah laughed and jumped back from me, punching me in the arm. “Creep! But no really, you look good. Better, I mean. I’m glad to see it.”

I smiled. “That makes two of us. What the hell have you been up to?”

We got comfortable in the front room and talked for a long while getting caught up on the past month. I told him about my mother’s visit and he said that he and Becca had been having a few problems lately so they decided to put the relationship on hold for awhile. I could tell it was hurting him but he put forward a brave face and I admired him for it. He said Dom told him to tell me hi and that we all needed to get together sometime soon. Reshoots were coming up soon for Return of the King and we couldn’t wait to all be in New Zealand together again. It seemed forever since I had last allowed myself to have some fun.

“So,” I steered the conversation as nonchalantly as I could. “You talk to Torrie lately?”

Elijah regarded me silently, while lighting a cigarette. He finally nodded. “Yeah. Just last week as a matter of fact.”

“Oh.” I stood, returned the plates to the kitchen on which we had our lunch, then grabbed a couple of bottled teas. Coming back, I retook my seat. “How is she?”

“Doing well. Did you hear about the TV show?”

I shook my head.

“Seems she is to be the host of some new show on the Discovery Channel called ‘The Vast Blue’ which will be all about different sea animals around the world and stuff. Money from it will be going to help the Center.”

“That’s great!” I exclaimed smiling. I knew it would be a huge success. “She’ll be great at it.”

Elijah nodded, still watching me while he took another drag on his cigarette.

“Um, Lij… “

“Yeah?”

“I… I wondered if I could ask a favor of you.”

He rolled his eyes, dropping back against the couch. “I knew this line of conversation was going somewhere.” He sighed. “What is it?”

I leaned forward earnestly. “Lij, I need to talk to her. No, wait! Listen. Just call her for me, get her on the phone, ask her to talk to me. I don’t want to trick her. I want her to accept it of her own free will but neither do I want the chance of getting Sean on the phone. I need to apologize to her, Lij. Do you understand? I need to tie up some loose ends and one of those is the apology I owe her. Please?”

“Shit, Orli. She may never talk to me again if I ask this of her!”

I just watched him, my eyes pleading. He ran a hand through his dark hair, let out a string of British curses which impressed me to no end, then grabbed the phone off of the table. I held my breath while he dialed and held the phone to his ear. For all I knew, she wasn’t even home. And if so, what then? Would I ever again have the nerve to ask for this?

“Hey Sean, it’s Elijah.” He glanced over at me with a frown, like he was going to be caught or something. I just motioned him on with my hand. “Yeah. Great. You?... Erm – is Torrie there?... Can I talk to her?... Thanks… “ He took another long drag off of his cigarette then smashed it out in the ashtray, casting me one more uneasy glance. “Hey, Torrie, what’s up?... “ He laughed. “Yeah. Same here…. No, nothing really… Yeah, for now. It just seemed best. I still call her though… “

I stood, pacing, wanting him to get this over with, get past the chitchat and ask her. Elijah noticed my pacing and mouthed for me to ‘calm the fuck down’ and I dropped back into the chair for about 3 seconds before bounding to my feet again. I started chewing on my nails as I watched him.

“Torrie, is Sean in the room with you?... Can you step outside, please?... I know… Look, I have to ask you something, kind of as a favor to me and please don’t be pissed or take this the wrong way or -- …. Sorry. I get that way sometimes. Okay, look, I have someone here who would like to talk to you for a moment -- … Torrie… Torrie, stop… Look, I wouldn’t ask this if I didn’t feel it was important, dammit… I know. I know… Sean doesn’t have to know if you don’t tell him… Torrie, please… “

I sighed and looked away. She was saying no. She didn’t want to speak with me. And this time it wasn’t Sean saying it, it was her. I looked back over at Elijah and he sighed and I knew she had hung up when suddenly he was holding the phone out to me. I blinked, met his glance. He waved it at me to take it and I did and he walked away, as if giving me some privacy. I put the phone to my ear and suddenly had no idea what I was going to say. I had rehearsed it over and over again in my mind and now I couldn’t think of a goddamned thing.

Closing my eyes, I said, “Torrie?”

Silence.

“Torrie, are you there?”

“Yes, Orli. I’m here.”

I swallowed against the lump in my throat at hearing her call me “Orli”. So familiar, so missed. “H… How are you?”

A pause. “I’m well. You?”

“Better,” I told her. “I’m better.”

Another silence. I don’t know what I had expected. Her to congratulate me on not drinking myself into an early grave or not trying to kill anyone else under the influence. I silently cussed myself out and tried again.

“Torrie, I appreciate you speaking to me. I know… I know I shouldn’t have asked for this. I just… I wanted to tell you I was sorry, Torrie. For everything. For the way I acted and the way I treated you and especially the night of the crash.” I paused, waiting to see if she had anything to say. When the other line remained silent, I continued, “Torrie, please know I would never, ever mean to hurt you. Ever. I’ve been really messed up the past few months and it seems that you suffered the worst from my antics. And… well… I just wanted to apologize.”

More silence. I glanced over at Elijah who was watching from across the room. He offered me a small smile of encouragement.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you go now,” I said softly, not wanting to drag it out. “I… I miss you, Torrie, and I hope that maybe someday you can forgive me. And then, maybe we can be friends again… Well, goodbye, Torrie.”

“Orli… “

I closed my eyes and bit my lip. “Yes?”

“I… Thank you for calling. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

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