I hung up the phone and smiled at Sean who had just walked out the back door to join me.

"How's Elijah?" He asked.

"Great," I replied without missing a step, though inside my heart was pounding against my chest erratically. "He wanted to see how the show was going."

Sean smiled and came forward and kissed me and I let him pull me into his arms, and closed my eyes and pretended that phone call had not just happened.

I had been terrified that night. Terrified because I had come back to the booth from dancing and seen the amount of glasses piled up in front of Orli. Terrified because I had looked into his red-rimmed, slightly glazed eyes. Terrified because I knew I wouldn't allow him to drive off by himself. I wanted to be with him, I think that's why I didn't try as hard as I might have to get him to pull over. I think I could have convinced him to. But a part of me wished that we could just keep driving - never stop. And another part of me wasn't afraid of dying, not when Orli was beside me. Does that make me a horrible person? That I would have willingly left Sean at that moment to die at Orli's side? Jesus, my mind has been all messed up lately.

When I woke up in the hospital, Sean had been sitting beside me, holding my hand, his face pale and strained. I should have reached out to him, assured him that I was okay, thanked him for being there. Instead, I had asked about Orli. I had wanted to know where he was, if he was okay. Sean had answered that he was fine but then he had become angry, saying he never wanted me to go near Orli again, that he would like to personally pound some sense into the brat. I realized then that I had made a severe mistake in judgment - blame it on the concussion. First and foremost, I needed to calm Sean. He had reached his wit's end. Sean was my responsibility now, not Orli. I could worry about him later. I did find out later from Elijah that Sean eventually did see Orli and attacked him. I really couldn't blame him. In those first few weeks, I probably would have punched Orli myself.

It took a few days for the initial shock of the accident to wear off, along with my fears for Orli and what he had become. After that, I became lost in a quiet anger. I hated Orli for trying to drag me down into the pits of hell with him, for endangering my life as if I alone was responsible for his reckless behavior lately. I hated him for hurting Sean, who had been so patient and supportive through all of it with both of us. Most of all, I couldn't stand the thought of him treating life so cheaply and with such disregard. I wanted to forget about him. I never asked after him when Elijah came by to see how I was or called. I stayed away from all entertainment news and when it came time for me to make a statement to the Court regarding the accident, I pretended as if it had happened with someone else entirely. I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to hear his name or see his face. Nothing.

And then Elijah calls asking me to talk to him. Had it been anyone else, I probably would have said no. But Elijah knows me. He wouldn't have let me get away with that. So I had no choice. Funny how all it took was his voice to bring everything back. Not the accident, but how much I loved him and missed him and how happy I was that the accident hadn't been more serious. He sounded good, too. Not as tired or listless as before. Strong. There was so much I had wanted to say, to assure him but then Sean had appeared and I couldn't do that to him. So I had just hung up. It was better that way.

I can't complain about the treatment I've received from Sean since I returned from the hospital. He's waited on me hand and foot and been so attentive and loving. Its more than any woman could ask for, really. One day he admitted how frightened he had been when the hospital had called him. That touched me more than anything, that he didn't want to lose me. It kind of frightened me too, I must admit. Any day now, I knew I would have to make the decision as to whether or not I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Sean. Truth was, I didn't know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with anyone. Men were… tiring.

Once my ribs healed, we were able to begin production on the show 'The Vast Blue'. We filmed a few bits at the Center, just little things with me introducing some of our patients, explaining what had happened to bring them there, how we were rehabilitating them and what happened once we released them back into the wild. We would follow them later, to see how they were doing on their own and show it to the public. After that, I received my schedule for shooting in exotic locales. The only country outside the US I had ever been to was Canada and that could hardly count. Difficult thing for someone who is so afraid of flying to get used to. Now I was going to be traveling to the Mediterranean, Japan, Russia, Africa, New Zealand…

Yeah. New Zealand. I was really looking forward to it, too. Especially after Sean talked about it with such enthusiasm. He planned to go with me, show me some of the more spectacular sights. Then Elijah called to talk one day and suddenly my excitement waned.
"Hey Lij! How're you?"

"Great!" I heard him take a drag on the other end of the line. "Look, Torrie, I wanted to apologize for that last time I called, for tricking you like that. I didn't - "

"Its okay, Lij."

"It is?" He sounded surprised.

I smiled. "Yes, hon. It is. I needed to get that over with sometime, after all. I mean, I can't avoid Orli forever."

"You can't?"

I laughed. "Lij, it's a small world, after all."

"Heh." He seemed uncertain how to respond to that and I could tell there was more that he wanted to ask but was afraid to. Instead he said, "We're going to be starting reshoots in New Zealand soon."

"Really?" I smiled. "Well, as strange as it may seem, I may see you down there."

"What?"

"We're doing a segment on the sea life down there."

"No shit?"

"No shit."

"Shit."

"I thought we already covered that?" I smiled.

"No, I meant 'shit', as in I don't want to tell you what I should tell you."

I chewed on my lip. "And that is?"

"Orli has some reshoots, too."

"Oh." So that meant it really was a small world after all. Here we were, both flying out of the country soon, and both headed to New Zealand. The odds of that were more staggering than I would like to consider. So I guess I wouldn't be seeing Elijah while I was down there after all. Simple as that.

"Maybe it would be a good time for you and Orli to - "
"Sean is coming with me."

"Oh."

Funny how it should have been a happy occasion, that Sean and them would all be able to get together and relive some happy memories down there where the Fellowship had began. Now there was this dread that they might see each other. And it wasn't as if anyone could suggest that Sean and the others get together and leave Orli out of it. Just as no one would think to suggest getting them together in the same room. I, for one, felt Sean was over his rage at Orli, but who knew what would happen if they were in a confining space for too long. It wasn't a chance I wanted to take, really.

"Well, at least call me while you're down there," Elijah suggested.

"You know I will."

"When are you leaving?"

"Five weeks. I'll be there about eighteen days or so from what it sounds like."

Elijah sighed. "Well, maybe you and I can get together, huh?"

"Sounds good. Take care, Lij."

"You too, hon."

Life went on. Two shows had already aired and the ratings were proving significant for the channel. It was in their top ten, which was a good sign. Not that everyone watched the Discovery Channel but the producers had hopes that a broadcast channel might eventually pick it up. I didn't care. It was bringing money and awareness of the Center in, and that was all that mattered.

I'll admit, it was a little weird being in front of the camera, especially when I went to the pier to visit Uncle Tony and people would recognize me. Like I said, not everyone watched the Discovery Channel so it wasn't like it was a regular thing to be noticed, but anyone with a love of the sea was likely to eventually see the show. I did make them promise me one thing though - I would never allow an action figure to be made of me like they did with Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter or not. That was just... well, silly really. Especially because I had no desire to see what they would do to me in a wet suit. I shudder at the thought.

Before I knew it, we were on our way to New Zealand. Wow, First Class was quite a switch from Coach, I can say that much. I think they have some sort of gas in the air up there that makes it so you really don't care if the plane were to go down or not, as long as your seat is comfy and the food is good and they keep serving the alcohol. Sean and I were matching each other drink for drink. We weren't exactly great traveling buddies, considering we could both come up with the most horrific ways to crash and different stories we had heard and nightmares we had. It went on and on. The shows director, Tim French, finally told us to shut up or he would give us both the sedative he normally reserves for sharks. I actually asked for it. I wanted that plane to land, dammit, and I was ready to sleep until it did. Unfortunately, he didn't accede to my request.

New Zealand was beautiful. Even worth the flight. And I loved the water down there. We spent our first few days meeting guides, scouting different locations, diving and getting to know some of the wild life. I was amazed at the amount of seals and bottle-nosed dolphins I came into contact with. And they were all exceedingly curious and friendly, wanting to know what we were doing, swimming right up to the cameras. Only twice did we have problems with sharks, one of which ended up eating some lost equipment, which was better than a lost limb.

The show paid to rent a condo for Sean and I on the coastline and during the day I was off filming while he relaxed and then our evenings were spent exploring and pretending we were actually on vacation. He knew that the cast was there filming reshoots for 'Return of the King' but we never actually spoke of it. I wanted to. I wanted to bring up the idea of visiting the set, just to see what he said but I always chickened out. Yep, that's me. Grade A chicken. Elijah did call once to see if we had made it there okay and how things were going. We promised each other we would get together at least once while down there.

The morning of our seventh day I was sitting out on the beach as the sun rose, waiting for the time that I would have to head back to the marina. We were going out a few miles to some of the deeper waters to see what shark footage we could get. Tim was eager to find a Great White. I told him he was nuts. "Ratings," he had replied. Ratings. Wonderful.

"Morning, little girl," Sean said softly behind me, his arms wrapping around my shoulders as he leaned down to kiss my neck. "Sleep well?"

"Yep." I leaned back against him, my gaze still focused on the rolling waves. We sat in silence for a long while as the sun cleared the horizon. We did that a lot together, watched the dawn as it lighted its way over the ocean. It didn't matter if it rose in front of us or behind us. It was always beautiful and I knew no matter what happened in life, whenever I saw the dawn I would think of Sean.

"Torrie," he whispered in my ear.

"Hmmm?"

"I… " A pause. Then, "I was going to wait to do this, until like our last night here but I don't want to wait any longer."

I glanced down as his hand disappeared behind me for a moment then came back, cradling a small, black velvet box in his palm. He flicked it open with his thumb and nestled in satin was a marquis cut diamond, about two carats from what I could tell, flanked by two half carat square diamonds, set in a platinum band. I could only stare at it, as numbness pervaded my body. I couldn't think. Not now.

"Torrie?" He asked softly, waiting for a response of some kind, I was certain.

"Its beautiful," was all I could think to say, tears stinging the back of my eyes. This was it, it was time. And I wasn't ready. I hadn't realized until then, but I wasn't ready to give up yet. I couldn't let go.

"Torrie, look at me," Sean said behind me. I couldn't. "Little girl, please?"

I watched him set the ring aside, then grab my shoulders and turn me to face him. Sean placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my eyes to his. We just stared at each other for a long time. I was a little shocked by the sorrow I saw in his gaze. He knew it before I did, I guess.

Brushing my hair back, touching my cheek gently, Sean whispered, "All of this time I have spent trying to make you forget him, and I didn't succeed, did I?"

I looked away, unable to face him any longer. He wiped a tear from my cheek.

"I don't want you to live a lie, Torrie. I can't except that. I told you, I'm selfish. I want all of your love. Your whole heart. If you can't give that to me, then say so. Now, before I push you and I both into a mistake."

I winced. I didn't want to admit that I had failed at making this relationship work as badly as I had the one with Steve. What was wrong with me, anyway? Why did I always want something else? I felt Sean take my face in his hands once more and pull me back to him.

"Just answer me one question, Torrie, and answer me honestly, no matter how much it hurts, okay?"

I nodded, our gazes locked.

"When you wake up in the morning, who is it you think of?"

I swallowed, fearful of saying it, because I had never really admitted it to myself. "Orli," I whispered, the tears flowing freely now. Dammit, would I never get over him?

Sean just nodded, tucking my hair behind my ears, touching me softly, hesitating as if he needed a moment to collect his thoughts. I hated myself so badly right then for hurting him. What kind of bitch was I? He had done so much for me, had always been there, and this was how I returned the love he had shown me. By loving someone else.

"I've always known, you know," he said, glancing out toward the water, his hands still lingering over my shoulders. "Whenever you looked at him, whenever he came up in conversation. It was just something in your eyes. And then, when we had brought him to stay with us… I think then I was beginning to realize it was a losing battle. But I didn't want to let you go. After the accident, I was hoping you would turn to me then. But, instead you seemed to pull away even further."

"Sean - "

He turned back to me, placing a finger over my lips. "Shh. Don't say it, Torrie. I'm not asking for explanations or excuses or apologies. I'm a grown man. I've been through this before. It'll hurt, I'll get over it and move on."

"I never meant to hurt you," I told him. "I do love you - "

"I know." He leaned forward and kissed me. "And for some that might be enough. But I can't share you with him, especially when I think he holds the lion's share." He smiled gently.

I shook my head. "I've tried so hard to forget him, to put him behind me. Even when I was certain I wasn't thinking of him, I really was."

Sean wiped my tears away. "Torrie, why won't you just tell him how you feel?"

Taking a deep breath, I pulled from his embrace, standing. I wandered away from him, staring out at the beach once more, hugging myself. I answered finally, "At first I couldn't bear the thought of losing his friendship. Such an admission from me would have hindered the closeness between us. I knew I wasn't what he wanted. I was hoping Trophy could be that, and I could remain the best friend, hiding in the shadows, admiring. But then… well, something happened and - "

"You slept together." It wasn't a question.

I turned to look at him. "How did you - "

"Torrie." Sean smiled. "Everyone saw it. It was the only explanation for what suddenly came between the friendship you two shared."

"Everyone?" I made a face. "Well, that's embarrassing… Sean, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen. Neither of us did."

"I know." He shrugged, standing to walk over to me. "Accidents happen. It was expected, seeing as how the two of you lived together and all. Which was why you moved out, wasn't it?"

I nodded.

Sean sighed, looked out at the water for a moment then turned back to me, "So what's your excuse now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why aren't you running out the door, heading for the set, screaming to Orli how you really feel?"

I was shaking my head. "I could never - Sean, how the hell would I do that now when I couldn't before? It's not as if I could handle the rejection any easier or anything. He wouldn't… Why are you laughing?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Torrie! If you aren't the most thick-headed, dense woman I have ever met!"

I frowned. "That was uncalled for. But out of curiosity, why would you say such a thing?"

Sean just shook his head, still laughing. I slapped his arm.

"This isn't funny!"

"On the contrary," he chuckled. "It's fucking hilarious in a sad, misguided sort of fashion."

"I don't - "

"Torrie, how can you not see it? How have you been blind to it during all of these months? Why do you think he hurts you so much? Why do you think it's you he seeks out when he is hurting?"

"Sean - "

"Orli loves you, you silly little girl!"

I just stood there, staring at the man before me, completely disbelieving.

"Did you hear me?"

"You're wrong," I said, shaking my head. "That isn't possible."

"And why is that?"

"Because."

"Oh, now there's a good reason. I should remember to use that. It could be a good defense to use in Court, too. Why did you kill this person? Because. Brilliant, Torrie."

"No, you don't understand. Orli can't love me. He couldn't love me."

"I truly think you've lost your mind." Sean frowned.

I pulled away from him, not knowing why I was so terrified, why I was fighting the truth of what my heart was feeling. Deep inside, I knew he was right. I think some part of me had always known, which is why I had never let go. But there was just too much right now and I couldn't face it. So I denied it.

"Orli could never love me. I'm not good enough for him. I'm not - That is, it's impossible and that's that. I won't allow myself to even consider it." Sean started to say something, started to move toward me but I held out my hands, stopping him. "No. No more. I can't… I have to get to the marina."

"Torrie, you're really starting to piss me off," Sean warned.

"I have to go." I turned and darted into the house, Sean close behind me. I grabbed my purse and slipped on my Keds and then just kind of stood there, not certain what to do next.

Sean walked up behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "Torrie, I'm not letting you go and break my own heart just to see you continue to deny both yourself and Orli the happiness that is right there for the taking."

"Happiness doesn't exist."

"What?"

I shook my head, remembering Orli's words.

"Tell him, Torrie," he whispered into my ear.

I turned to him then, my eyes searching his face. "Why? Why are you doing this?"

Sean shrugged. "I guess I see it as either I can be happy, and two people I care about can spend the rest of their lives being miserable, or I can deal with a little sorrow that I will eventually get over and I give those two people I care about some happiness."

"He doesn't love me, Sean. I don't believe that. If he did, he would have said - "

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"No, but that's different."

"How?"

I couldn't answer that.

He smiled and leaned over to kiss the tip of my nose. "Give it some thought if you must, but I am warning you, Torrie. I don't want to see you here again until you have confronted Orli and admitted to him how you feel, do you understand?"

I nodded. I couldn't move.

"Go on now, little girl. I think… I think I need some time to myself."

I looked back up at him, tears threatening again. "Sean, I don't - "

"Please, go?" Sean asked, hugging me to him once more. "If you stay here much longer, I don't think I'll be able to remain so generous."

I kissed his cheek and pulled away, backing toward the door. "I… I'll always love you, Sean."

"I know. Same here. Now get the hell out of here."

I smiled and headed out the door.

But I couldn't bring myself to face Orli. I had to think. I went to the marina and got in the boat and we spent the day searching for sharks. We found a few - no Great Whites, thankfully -- and shot some footage and twice Tim had to warn me about concentration. I couldn't stop thinking, about Sean, about Orli, about everything that had happened. My heart refused to accept what Sean had assured me was true. I couldn't take that kind of hurt if it wasn't. But I had nowhere left to go. Sean wouldn't accept me if I couldn't give him my heart entirely, which he certainly deserved, and I was too afraid to go to Orli. Too afraid that the dream I had carried with me for so long would suddenly be destroyed. And maybe, afraid that it would finally come true.

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