I laid there silently for a long while, just staring at the wall in front of me. My body ached all over and my head throbbed and I really needed a drink. I hadn’t wakened when Torrie left my side but it couldn’t have been too long because her scent still lingered on the pillow beside me. She had held me all night and I had never thought I would sleep so peacefully again as I did in her arms. She had been crying with me. I made her cry. What kind of bastard was I?

Atti must have called her. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have known to come looking for me. I don’t know what I had meant to do, I just… I wanted it all to stop. The pain, the confusion, the fear, the loss of control. So I just kept drinking, drank myself right into a stupor. I don’t remember much beyond that, until I woke up in Torrie’s arms, her sweet voice singing softly to me. It hurt to have her so close and so caring and yet not close enough and not caring enough. I wish I could have made her stay. I wish I could make it so she would never leave my side again. But I knew she would. They always did.

“Orli, honey?”

I considered feigning sleep but decided against it, rolled over to look at her, standing in the doorway, a mug in her hand, her gaze moving over me worriedly.

“’Time s’it?” I found I could barely speak coherently. My tongue felt swollen and attached to the roof of my mouth.

“Just after noon. I brought you some tea.” She moved over and set it on the nightstand beside me, then turned back to me and brushed her hand over my brow. I closed my eyes, losing myself in the contact. “How’re you feeling?”

I shrugged. Did I tell her I felt like shit and my body ached or did I tell her that I felt as if the sun had risen in that room alone since she had entered it? That her touch against my skin made me think that maybe everything would be okay? I remained silent, watching her.

She appeared ready to leave, as if she didn’t want to be there. I didn’t blame her. But then she suddenly crawled up beside me on the bed and touched me again, her hand running over my cheek, brushing through my hair. Her touch was so gentle and tender and I thought for a moment that she really cared. I wanted to pretend she did. That it wasn’t just that she wanted something from me or felt pity for me or felt she had no where better to be at the moment. But those were the thoughts that were going through my mind. At times I felt as if happiness was a lie. I would never feel it again because it didn’t really exist.

“You scared me so badly,” Torrie whispered.

I frowned. “I’m sorry.”

Her hand stilled its movements. “No, you’re not. I can hear it in your voice.” She pulled back, curling her legs beneath her, facing me. She sat there silently until I finally raised my gaze to hers. There were tears in her eyes but her expression was angry. “Why, Orli? Why are you doing this to yourself? I don’t understand. You’re smarter than this dammit!”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” I turned away, stared at the curtains covering the window. I wished she would leave. It was easier to wallow in misery on your own.

“Well, we’re going to talk about it. Because right now I don’t really give a damn what you want, Orli. It’s obvious that whatever that may be isn’t good for you. And I’m not… “ She took a breath, paused for a moment. “I’m not going to lose you.”

I didn’t turn back to her, didn’t say anything. I wished she would take me into her arms and tell me everything was going to be okay but I was not going to ask for that. Never again would I ask for and expect love from those incapable of giving it. Maybe we all were, actually. Maybe it was love that was a lie and happiness that was a by-product of it. Her hand was touching me again and I couldn’t pull away from it. Just gentle strokes through my hair. I thought it would kill me. I kind of wished it would.

“Orli, what happened with Tro – Julie?”

I shrugged. “Something. Nothing. I don’t know.”

“Tell me, please?”

“She found someone else, I guess. Someone who could make her happy,” I said with a wince. It hurt to admit I couldn’t make her happy.

Torrie, as always, knew what I was thinking. “Orli, you spent all of your energy making her happy. You did everything you could. Obviously, Julie just wasn’t a happy person. I doubt anyone could truly please her.”

“Or maybe happiness is a lie.”

Silence hung between us. I turned to face her. She was watching me with a strange expression.

“Are you happy, Torrie? Does Sean make you happy?”

She whispered, “Yes.”

I hated Sean. I hated her. I turned away again.

“Orli,” Torrie began softly. “You need help. This drinking – “

“What?” I snapped, looking back at her. “I do not need help, Torrie. I am not some goddamned addict, I do not need to attend any stupid AA classes or that crap. I’m fine, you got that? Fine!”

“You’re not fine, baby,” she replied.

I glared at her for a moment then shoved the covers aside and jumped out of bed. My legs protested at the unexpected weight and I almost fell, but I wasn’t about to show that weakness to her. I fought for my strength and moved over to the window, pushing the curtains aside. It was sunny outside, the sky a perfect blue. Always goddamned sunny in this fucking place. For once I would like the weather to match my mood.

The silence stretched on between us. I wanted her to leave and I wanted her to stay there. I really did feel better just having her presence in the room with me. It was like a calming affect. It made me want to tell her everything. I couldn’t tell her everything.

“I feel so alone,” I said finally, still staring out the window. “Even when I’m surrounded by people, fans, whoever – I feel alone. Its like I’m screaming and no one is hearing me, no one sees me… “ I glanced back at her and attempted to smile. “Pretty fucked up, huh? I mean, my face is plastered all over the place and yet I feel like they don’t see me.”

“It’s not fucked up, hon.” Torrie slid across the bed and came to stand beside me. She placed her hand on my shoulder, caressed my skin. “Sometimes even I feel that way and I sure as hell don’t have the pressures of fame and all that crap to deal with.”

“Other people handle fame just fine.”

Torrie shrugged. “Other people haven’t had it thrown into their face quite so quickly and forcefully, either. Other people haven’t tried to be everything to everyone the way you do. Other people took the time to slow down.” She paused, her hand moving down my arm. I winced at her expression. I knew I had lost a lot of weight lately, my clothes just hung off of me lately. “I’d like you to stay here a while, Orli. I don’t want you to be alone.”

“I’m not going to do anything stupid,” I protested.

“No?” Torrie looked at me and I realized she didn’t believe that.

I looked away. “What about Sean?”

“It was his suggestion actually.”

Naturally. I bit my lip to keep from saying something more.

“Why don’t you go back to bed, get some more sleep? Your body needs it,” she suggested. “I’ll wake you for dinner, get some good food in you and then… then we can talk some more. Okay?”

I nodded and she hugged me to her and I laid my head against her hair for awhile, breathing deeply, enjoying her warmth and the feel of her breath against my skin. I’d sleep and we’d talk and maybe things would be all right. Torrie followed me over to the bed, tucking me in when I crawled back between the sheets, then kissing my cheek. She started to go when suddenly I reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her back. She looked down at me in question.

“Would you… I mean, could you stay here until I fall asleep?” I asked.

She smiled and sat down beside me. “Of course, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

I spent four days with Sean and Torrie, allowing her to coddle me without protesting, even though there were times it was downright frustrating, especially when Sean was always there to add his two cents to everything. I appreciated everything they did for me, they really did go out of their way to make me feel welcome and comfortable. But… it was just too fucking weird being there. I mean, every night I had to watch Torrie disappear into the bedroom with Sean and it became unbearable. I wanted her beside me again. Fuck that, I wanted to be inside her again. I wanted to hear her call out my name. I wanted her hands and mouth on me. I wanted to be able to go to sleep every night knowing that she would be the first thing I saw every morning. Living those four days in the same house with her again, my obsession grew. I hated myself for loving her, for not having seen it sooner. And I hated her for not loving me, for being with Sean, for walking out of the apartment that day so long ago.

I finally convinced them that I was fine and went back home. It was eerily quiet in the house but I told myself I had lived alone before and I could get used to it. I picked up what I could, put things to rights, did some shopping and set about attempting to get my life back in order. I had to realize that Torrie was never going to be mine, I had to accept that she was happy with Sean and get on with my life. It was so hard to do though. We had talked, her and I, during my time there, and having her listen to my problems always made them seem not so insurmountable anymore. I still felt isolated, lonely, but Torrie assured me over and over again that my friends cared and were there for me. I knew she was right but I didn’t want to have to burden them with my problems. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. Torrie had suggested going home to England for awhile and I was beginning to realize that wasn’t such a bad idea. Then maybe I could forget about her as well.

I did go home, for almost a full month. Atti visited me and promptly punched me in the mouth for scaring the shit out of him. Its okay though. Atti isn’t exactly a pugilist. He got his meaning across though and I found myself apologizing to him quite profusely before it was all over and done with. It was great to see mum and Sam too, though mum had it out with me over how thin I was and why was I smoking again and crap like that. I guess that’s what mothers are for. She tried feeding me like six times a day and hid every packet of cigarettes I brought into the house. All of it should have made me feel better, stronger. But I was living a lie and I knew it. I was just burying everything inside of me. It would resurface. I knew it would. I just didn’t know when or how.

When I returned to LA, it was in time to begin filming a new flick. The serial killer one hadn’t done so well – the critics trashed it – and almost lost money at the box office. I think the only people who saw it were my fans and they didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. This one was a comedy, which Fiona assured me I needed to do, and the people working on it were assholes. They specifically seemed to aim their venom at me. I was beginning to encounter that a lot lately, those who seemed to feel it as wrong that it took them so many years to get where they were going and yet I walked out and got the part of Legolas and became an instant star. Fuck them. Its not as if I knew any of that would happen. Its not as if I wanted it to. It just did. And it didn’t stop there. Amanda’s parents were back at it again, took the case to a civil court and some fucked up judge ended up awarding them ten million dollars for their daughter’s death that I was supposed to pay! Like I had ten fucking million dollars. Hello, its not as if I’m Mel Gibson or something. I was making fucking scale on Rings for fuck’s sake. Of course, my biggest issue was that anyone could put a price on their child’s death anyway. Like somehow this money would make them feel better. My lawyer assured me an appeal would go through and the ruling would be dropped by a higher court. I just ignored it. I was waiting for someone to tell me that it was being turned into a made-for-TV movie or something.

I was only back a few days when Elijah called, saying that everyone was getting together to go clubbing to celebrate Sean Bean’s birthday. He hoped I would join them. I really wanted to say no. As much as I owed Sean and Torrie for what they did for me, I didn’t want to spend anymore time with them. I felt I was finally getting over Torrie. The love was fading. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But Elijah insisted that this was going to be like a Fellowship reunion. Billy, Dom, Sean and Christine, Ian, Viggo – of course, John wasn’t going to be there, he never was – but the rest of the Fellowship was and I just had to be there, too. So I was left unable to say no.

It actually wasn’t bad. We met at Sean and Torrie’s house and had dinner, a nice, informal little thing filled with joking and laughter. Sean’s daughters were visiting so they occupied much of the attention, and I was pleased to see that they appeared to accept Torrie. She seemed particularly happy that night, her eyes shining as she laughed, joining in the teasing with all of us, targeting Elijah specifically, much as she had when the three of us would hang out together. She even spared some good- natured ribbing for me, which I just took with a smile. One time she just came over and gave me a big hug, and whispered how pleased she was to see me doing well again. I hugged her back and kissed her head and then looked up to find Sean watching us. Fuck him. I was over her. His jealousy at our friendship was just something he would have to deal with.

We hit The Lounge later that evening, found a huge booth to fit all of us, and Dom, Billy, Elijah and Becca all hit the dance floor immediately, while the rest of us sat down to have a few drinks. We talked, watching as the three Hobbits danced, acting particularly goofy. Sean finally pulled Christine out for a few slow numbers before they decided to head for home. We said goodbye and they wished Sean a happy birthday and it was down to me, Viggo, Ian, Sean and Torrie at the table.

It wasn’t long before Elijah came bouncing over to us, begging the rest of us to join them. We all shook our heads but then he grabbed Torrie’s hand and started pulling and saying how he hadn’t danced with her in so long and she just had to. Sean gave her a little nudge, telling her to go ahead, and she allowed the blue-eyed wonder to lead her out to the others. “Golden Years” by Bowie started playing and before long the five of them were doing incredibly silly synchronized dances, one of which appeared to be a cross between the Macarena and the funky chicken. The rest of us in the booth were rolling. Then they all started calling for me to join them and I found myself looking over at Torrie, who was hooking her finger in my direction. I feared joining them, dancing with her and Elijah again, reliving old memories. But Viggo, Ian and Sean started encouraging me as well and before I knew it, there I was, in the midst of the five of them and Torrie was against my back, singing along to the music into my ear.

“In walked luck and you looked in time

Never look back, walk tall, act fine

Come get up my baby

I'll stick with you baby for a thousand years

Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years, gold

Golden years, gold whop whop whop”

I smiled, relaxed, joined in the fun, even doing the stupid dance they had created. Torrie took my hand and we were suddenly dancing together and her arms wound around my shoulders and pulled me close and I wrapped mine around her waist and we moved together. Billy came up behind me and Dom joined Elijah and Becca and then we started doing the whole synchronized thing again, all the while laughing our asses off because we knew how silly we had to look and yet we didn’t give a fuck. It was too much fun. Torrie moved closer to me, still singing to the music:

“Don't cry my sweet, don't break my heart

Doing all right, but you gotta get smart

Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day, I believe oh lord

I believe all the way”

And our eyes met and I just kind of lost myself in her. I realized I had been lying to myself the past month. I still loved her. I would never stop loving her.

“I'll stick with you baby for a thousand years

Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years, gold”

I couldn’t stand to have her that close to me anymore. I stepped back and her eyes followed me, questioning, hurt. I wanted to yell I love you and I’m sorry I keep hurting you but I couldn’t get my lips to move. It was for the best anyway. I turned and headed off the dance floor, back to the booth. Sean was just putting away his cell phone and he and the others looked at me curiously as I shouted out to a nearby waitress for a drink.

“Done dancing?” Viggo asked.

I nodded.

“Probably for the best,” Ian commented. “If the press ever got a hold of photos of those antics, all of your careers would be ruined for good!”

“I’ve gotta go,” Sean said, climbing to his feet. “The girls just called. Apparently they are having a little snit and want me to sort it out.”

He glanced out at the dance floor and I watched him watch Torrie.

“I hate to end the fun she’s having.” Sean looked down at me. “Orli, would you mind driving Torrie home for me? I’d like to let her hang out with you guys a little longer.”

God I wanted to scream NO! “Sure, no problem,” I replied.

“Great! I’m going to tell her I’m leaving and I’ll see you guys later.” He moved off toward the dance floor.

I took my drink as it was handed to me and swallowed it down, watching as Sean departed the club and Torrie became lost in the dancers on the floor once more. Around me, Viggo and Ian conversed, occasionally trying to draw me into it but they eventually gave up, leaving me to my brooding and my cigarettes and drinks. Once Ian told me perhaps I should slow down on the scotch if I was going to be driving Torrie home but I told him I knew when to stop, thank you very much. It seemed everyone wanted to tell me my business lately. Soon they both left and I continued to sit by myself, watching the antics on the floor.

I don’t know how much time had passed.

”I’m exhausted!” Torrie laughed, coming up to the booth and dropping beside me. “I think I’m getting too old for this.”

I just smiled.

Elijah and Becca came running over and likewise collapsed into the booth. “I swear Dom and Billy are going to close this place!” Elijah exclaimed. He glanced around . “Where’d everyone go?”

“Home. Long ago,” I answered. I could have counted it by drinks. I think it was like six scotch’s ago that Ian finally took off.

“You should have joined us on the dance floor,” Torrie told me. “Instead of sitting here by yourself.”

“I didn’t feel like dancing anymore,” I replied, finishing my drink. “You ready to go?” For some reason, I really wanted out of there.

She glanced down at the table for a moment before answering, “Erm… sure.”

Torrie stood, saying goodbye to Elijah and Becca as I slid out of the booth. I swayed a little when I stood, quickly blaming it on the fact that I had been sitting there immobile for so long after dancing. Grabbing Torrie’s hand, I led her out of the club toward my car, searching for the keys in my pocket. Torrie slowed as we neared it and I glanced back at her.

“Orli, maybe you should let me drive,” she suggested.

For some reason, that really pissed me off. “I’m not drunk, Torrie. We’ve had this discussion before. I know when to stop. I know my tolerance. I’m fine. Now get in the fucking car.”

She stood there and glared and I sighed.

“I’m sorry. Tired, I guess. So please, let’s just get us both home, okay?” I opened the door for her and waited until she finally climbed in.

I forgot I had Tea Party playing when I started the car. I reached over to turn it off but Torrie asked me to leave it. So I just turned it down a little and pulled out of the parking lot. We drove in silence for awhile, just listening to the music. When “Gyroscope” came on, Torrie leaned over and turned it up a notch. I had forgotten it was one of her favorites.

“Come face to face with it

Pushed on your side

Lose all your self control

Worlds will collide”

“Orli?”

“Hmmm?”

“Witness the fall from grace

You shed your skin

Change if it please you

Just don’t give in”

“Could you slow down please?”

I glanced over at her. “Torrie, I always drive this fast.”

“Yes but… “ She paused, worrying her lower lip for a moment. “I just wondered if you – “

“Look, I can’t deal with a fucking nag right now. I’ve got a headache and I would just like to get us both home,” I snapped. I gripped the steering wheel. Having her there beside me was making me tense for some reason. I had this vision of pulling over to the side of the road and just throwing her down on the seat and taking her right there. I shook it from my mind.

“Why are you acting like this? What did I do to you tonight?”

I was silent. Maybe I should tell her she smelled too good and she smiled too beautifully and she held on to me when she shouldn’t have. She made all the pain come back when I had thought it was buried. I didn’t like hating Sean, who was my friend, but whenever Torrie was near I did. I felt like the most rotten bastard on earth. It hurt. Everything buried was rising once more and all of the lies I had told myself were making themselves known.

“Annihilate yourself

All things must burn

Inside out you can’t cope

My gyroscope”

“You walked out Torrie. Why did you walk out?” I asked, digging through my pocket for my cigarettes. Finding one, I attempted to light it and the car swerved a little and Torrie gripped the door. I flashed her a dirty look and asked my question again as I took a deep drag.

We’ve discussed this, Orli. Had I stayed it would have been bad for our relationships – “

I gave a bitter laugh. “My relationship was already fucked. Try again.”

She glared at me. “Mine wasn’t.”

“Oh yes. Perfect little Torrie with her perfect little life all happy and content with the love of the world right there in her hands. I’m glad to hear you’re leading such a stellar existence, doll.”

“My life isn’t perfect, Orli and I never said it was. And I never said I had all of the love in the world, either!” She snapped. “You’re drunk! Pull the fucking car over.”

“I’m not letting you drive,” I replied stubbornly. “Sean told me to drive you home and that’s what I’m doing.”

“I’ll walk.”

“Why don’t you just answer my question?”

“I did, dammit! I left because I had to, Orli! I couldn’t stay and do that to Sean. I couldn’t be your goddamned play toy while you continued to flash your Trophy around town!”

“Do you think that’s what you were? My play toy?”

“Aside from your maid and your mother.”

I looked over at her comment and the car swerved and Torrie screeched, grabbing onto the dashboard.

“Orli, stop the car!”

“No.” I looked back at the road. “Not until we’re done talking. Not until I get you to admit that you were just using me like all of the others! Not until you admit that you had planned on walking out all along.”

“I would never do that to you,” she whispered.

“Why’d you fuck me, Torrie?” I ignored her gasp. “Why?”

“Why do you make it sound so seedy and horrible?” Torrie demanded. “Damn you, Orli! Only you can make me feel this horrible about myself and every choice I’ve ever made!”

“How does it feel?” I demanded.

“That’s not my fault.”

“I think it is.”

“Stop the damn car, Orli! I want out!”

“I said no.” I stepped on the gas, just to make certain she didn’t try something stupid like jumping out when I slowed or something.

“Orli, stop the fucking car!”

I went faster. “How does it feel, Torrie? How does it feel to be out of control? To not know what is going to happen next or when it is all going to come crashing down? This is how I feel every goddamned day of my life lately! And I have finally pinpointed where it all began and fuck but I don’t want to have to deal with it anymore!”

Torrie was hugging the passenger door, her eyes wide and frightened on the road in front of us. Fuck, didn’t she know I would never hurt her? I would never allow anything bad to happen to her. I just wanted some answers. And maybe I wanted to scare myself into making some admissions. I didn’t like yelling at her. I didn’t like causing her pain. And yet, it was all I ever did anymore. I wanted it to stop I just wasn’t sure how to go about it. I wanted to hear words from her that I knew she would never utter. I thought I could scare them out of her, I guess.

Then I dropped my cigarette. Cussing, I leaned down to find it, searching the floorboard at my feet, hoping I didn’t burn a hole in my new shoes or something equally annoying.

Then Torrie screamed.

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