"It's a man! Listen to me!"
        "Shut up! You can see it�s a woman, I can see it�s a woman, The whole pub can see SHE is a woman! Now leave me the fuck alone! I�m sure I�m in there."
        "Suit yourself pal, you'll regret it!"
        �Don�t wait up.�
        He was so angry his cousins were trying to stop him from having some fun, Leon, being of unsound and inebriated mind was now utterly determined to go home with this girl. Well it did look like a girl. I'd think it was a girl after that much whisky. I'd think a lot of odd things after that much whisky. I have thought some very odd things actually, but never anything quite that deluded.
        Sitting, not quite facing each other, Leon stuck his middle finger up at his cousins and their mates over her shoulder as they left. The lady in question rolled her eyes very knowingly, clearly board of the exchange. He politely apologised, time went by with little talk, and with a large amount of drinking. Gently taking her rather rough hand Leon tried to look into her eyes and finding them to be out of focus, meandered round her nose and settled on her lips, which looked quite full and luscious.
As Leon caressed the pale smooth skin on the inside of her arm, he leaned in for a cheeky little kiss. The young lady, clearly embarrassed and acting very coy, shrank away and giggled like only a sweet girl could. This was promising and reinforced his argument concerning her obvious gender.
        �Where are you from?� Leon made small talk, not too well, but he generated it all the same.
         �London. East end,� she bluntly replied sucking the last dregs from a rolly and stubbing it out on the edge of the bar. It was like taking one step forward and 18 steps back. Remembering herself and regaining her posture she promptly went all girly. Throwing her hands up and letting them fall with a smoky sigh, supporting her chin in her hands with her elbows on the table.
        �Where are you from? I haven�t seen you around here before.�
        �Can�t you tell?�
        �How the fuck would I know?� she snapped, somehow losing patience.
        �My accent! I�m Scottish.�
        �Oh well, it�s not that strong.�
        �Whatever.�
        Repeating the same rise and fall of her hands she let out an even bigger sigh.
        �So, what do you look for in a woman? Generally?�
        �Well, um�I like a nice pair, a pretty face, gotta have a nice mantel to look at while stoking the fire, eh? Nice smile, blonde hair,� his eyes wandered and fell on her head. She giggled again, much louder than before, pulling her hair over her face. She was becoming a one trick pony.
Regardless of this, in fact, further convinced of her femininity, Leon asked if she wanted to 'get out of here'. She smirked, like only a dirty girl would, he thought. She grabbed Leon's hand and led him to the back door.
        Out in the alley things got a little heated. Out of the sight of prying eyes the shy, demure woman turned into a ravenous and violent animal, pawing and groping and practically eating off his entire face. Leon, clearly pleased with the proceedings, pushed the itinerary on further and began to unbutton her blouse and, reaching downwards for the hem of her skirt, slowly slid his hand up the inside of her leg. Rather like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. He dragged out the action for her pleasure, pausing only to stare at the rhythmic rise and fall of her breasts as her breathing increased, becoming more rapid and noticeably horse. Her chest heaving, Leon was unfortunately transfixed, as he reached his ultimate goal. All breathing stopped. All movement stopped. His eyes met the beautiful blondes and there was a pause as if he was waiting for confirmation or an apology that never came. As he stared into those mascara rimmed eyes she closed them and let out a low deep moan. Leon took a few steps back hitting the opposite wall and staring at his left hand sank to the floor, stunned, lost, feeling cheated and dejected. The �young lady� picked up her handbag and clomped off towards the main road swearing like a Trooper.
        After what seemed like an eternity Leon tried to raise himself up the wall, using it as his well needed support. He stared down the ally at the figure turning the corner onto the road just as the barman threw open the back door, glancing up at the retreating 'lady' he chortled, "Met Mr Slinky then?"