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At Amon Hen
Boromir has grabbed Frodo and has the poor Hobbit hanging in a headlock.
Boromir (rather maniacally): "You must choose, Master Samwise. How shall he die? Shark? Or death by monkeys!!!"
Sam (complete with confused, blinky face): "Uh..."
* * *
In Rivendell, before the Fellowship
Estel is complaining to Elrond because Legolas is taking Elladan to the 'Squirrel Kings' concert.
Elrond: "He bought those tickets with his own money, Estel. He can take whoever he wants."
Estel (pouting): "But I earned those tickets! I slept with him for eleven years!"
* * *
In Rivendell... still
Estel is pestering Elladan as to why he wants to go to the concert with Legolas so much.
Elladan: "Well, I used to have a band when I was in school."
Estel (astounded): "You did?! Since when?"
Elladan: "Yes. We were known as the Happy Funk Band... until an unfortunate typo got us expelled from school."
* * *
In Isengard
Saruman has just spoken to Sauron, via palantir. The orc captain comes in to receive his orders.
Orc dude: "What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the Eye command? After all, the day is alive with the wonder of Wednesday!"
Saruman (sounding rather put out): "To me, it's just another day with eight nipples."
* * *
In... THE WILDERNESS!!! (insert dramatic music *g*)
A small group of orcs approaches, and Boromir takes them on single-handedly, claiming he needed to protect Legolas.
Boromir (sounding very full of himself, yet rather dramatic): "It was nothing. After all, I'm playing the most dangerous game of all!"
Legolas: "Musical chairs?"
Boromir: "No dummy! Love!"
* * *
In Rivendell
Elrond is talking to Gandalf about how Isildur betrayed him 3000 years ago.
Elrond: "He played me like you'd play a fish... I can't make it much clearer than that..."
Gandalf (confused, blinky face): "Riiiiight."
* * *
In Lorien
Aragorn and Boromir are talking, deciding they need to put aside their differences and be friends.
Aragorn: "Dude, I love you."
Boromir: "Dude, don't. You know I'm the one who loves you."
Aragorn: "Dude!"
Boromir: "Dude!"
Aragorn & Boromir (throwing their arms around each other): "Dude!"
Legolas (somewhere out of sight): "Hey guys? I can't figure out how to work this bathtub stopper. Can one of you come here and help me?"
Aragorn and Boromir both begin trying to kill each other in an attempt to be the first one to reach the bathing Elf.
* * *
In Isengard
Gandalf is trying to convince Saruman to break his alliance with Mordor.
Saruman (sarcastically): "Oh, yeah. Sauron just loves to hear Saruman-defying-authority stories."
Gandalf (sunnily): "If told with puppets!"
* * *
In Rivendell, Arwen's chamber
Arwen has decided that her relationship with Aragorn should progress to the next level. They are sitting on her bed, discussing things.
Arwen: "Darling, we know each other so well, and yet we've never really... explored each other."
Aragorn: "Thank Elbereth."
Arwen: "Estel, I've changed. I'm not the Arwen you knew."
Aragorn (puzzled): "What do you mean, dearest?"
Arwen: "I want you to do something. Something I've never asked of you before."
Aragorn: "Of course, my dear. Anything."
Arwen (smiling): "Good." She grabs Aragorn's hands and pulls it toward her chest. "Touch this."
Aragorn (absently): "Don't mind if I do..." Suddenly he jerks his hand back, eyes wide. "Ai! Arwen?! What are you saying?!"
Arwen (disappointed): "Alright, you don't have to touch anything." Her hand suddenly reaches for... well, you know... "I'll touch you!"
Aragorn (shrieking, covering himself with his hands, and lunging off the bed): "No! Arwen, stop this immediately. What's come over you? I'm leaving."
Arwen (pretending to be distraught and rising from the bed): "No! Please, don't go! You're right, something is wrong with me. It's taking over my mind and forcing me to say things I would never say... and do things I would never do. Help me! Please, Estel, please help me!"
Aragorn (dropping to one knee in front of her and taking her hands): "Oh, Arwen. Yes, anything. What can I do?"
Arwen (taking Aragorn's hands and pulling them around her hips to rest on her... you get the idea... *eg*): "Touch this!"
Aragorn is frozen in shock when Elrond suddenly walks in the bedroom door.
Elrond: "Good morning, Arwen. How did you slee... Estel!!"
Arwen (suddenly becoming horrified): "Estel, take your hands off me!"
Elrond: "Yes, take your hands off her!"
Aragorn (yanking his hands away and jumping to his feet): "Sorry, sir."
Elrond: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
Aragorn (pouting): "But she made me do it!"
Elrond (turning to Arwen): "Is that right, Arwen?"
Arwen (shaking her head emphatically): "No, father! Suddenly, without any reason at all, he laid his hands on me!"
Aragorn (jumping up and down, pointing at Arwen): "She told me to touch it!!"
Elrond (glaring at Aragorn): "Estel, you're a degenerate. I take you into my home. You eat my food, you drink my wine, but that's not enough for you. Oh no. After being engaged to my daughter for only five years, you have the audacity to... touch her. Get out."
Aragorn (pleadingly): "But sir..."
Elrond: "OUT!!!"
As Aragorn slowly leaves the room and Elrond reaches to comfort his daughter, Arwen smirks at the departing heir of Isildur over her father's shoulder.
* * *
On to the answers