| Thoughts, pg 5 |
| 1/10/2004 wow, it has been a really long time since I have writtten my thoughts. A lot has gone on in the last 5 months. New car, hanging out with friends when I have spare time, going to the gym religiously, kick ass parties, catching up with movies and generally meeting new folks. It's been quite the experience and I have met some wonderful people in the last year (enough to more that make up for the few bums in the mix). In September 2003, I traveled to the East Coast (Washington, DC) to attend a wedding, plus I went back to NYC, visited Boston for the first time, Hung out in Montreal again plus I finally made it up to Quebec City which was too gorgeous for words. I definitely will be going there again, hopefully September of this year. Several friends of mine are turning 30 this year (not there yet...) so several big bashes on the horizon, Today I am in a state of complete shock & confusion. After not being in one another's lives for over a year, this morning I received an email from the guy who broke my heart asking me to forgive him for the pain he caused me regarding our relationship. I literally spent 10 minutes saying "Oh My God". I am stil trying to process it, my feelings about him and what happened between us. It will probably take a while as I don't even know where to start. I have to say that I never expected anything like this. I honestly thought our paths would never meet again. Now I am full of turmoil and re-emerging feelings. He hurt me so very much. I want to make the right choice and I want to be sure that I don't screw up again. But I guess what I am not sure of as well is if I do forgive him, is that all he wants from me? does he want to try to start over? Am I really past everything that happened? |
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| 1/30/04 There is still so much going on in my life. I swear the weekend rolls around and I am just looking for downtime. sad! I think it is a sign that I am starting to get old. Tonight I am going to see Casablanca, surprisingly I've never seen it before. Saw Lost in Translation last night. I thought it was good but not great. Studying for my Series 7 soon. I haven't even had time to process the situation with Sandstone, I have to start to think things over & I need to be able to trust my own judgement and not turn to others in my vicious circle of second guessing my decisions. *sigh* And funny random thing, when Lior got married last year my mom shot this to me out of left field: "so now that Lior is married you can tell me, who was it that you had the relationship with... him or Micah??" I played dumb so quickly it wasn't even funny. |
| 2/10/04 It's weird I realized I am this dichotomy of emotions. I have such problems trusting or forgiving people, but at the same time I need people to show me they care about me and my feelings. How does one exist peacefully when you have great pride & emotional strength plus inner demons but you want people to see that isn't all that you are? |
| 3/11/04 ack I have been sick forever. I want this damn cold to go away. I finally got rid of Valkyrie. It's a shame when you cry over a car like I did when I left her at the junkers. We had a lot of good times, though in the end she was a lot of trouble. Finally went to one of those DMF events with some friends last month. It was alright. All the men were too old, but it wasn't like I was in the mood that night any way to be picked up or vice versa. And Valentines' night was awesome: 6 girls, 2 guys & a limo in San Francisco for about 4 hours. =) Rory had her operation earlier this week to remove her tumor. She still isn't doing all that well, but at least she is kind of eating again. You know, I just want to go on the record by saying Mystic River was underwhelming. yea it was good, but far from a great movie. But I did like Cold Mountain (go Renee Zellweger!!). Going to LA this weekend. I haven't been there in like 2 months, so it is time. I have had a lot on my mind & I think the drive down will do me good. I need to think. And now that I am not coughing like a chain smoker anymore, back to the gym go I. yay!! I actually miss Step & weightlifting. It makes me feel good. I am tired of feeling sluggish. After doing another what's your soulmate's sign type quiz, I am still stuck with having a Leo as my best match with Libra still second. If that is the case, then why oh why am I so damn attracted to Aries and Virgos?? I swear Aries are going to be the death of me yet! But I just love that aggressiveness that I tend to find in them; the lack of games. And of course Tysen was a Virgo. *sigh* I am a Gemini. Interestingly enough, the last few guys have been Scorpios... |
| 3/18/04 LA this past weekend was a lot of fun. I went out with Trina for her friend's bday in Hollywood. I had a great time, a strong vodka & cranberry plus I ran into someone I was supposed to meet last year. And it was awesome to realize he was really down to earth and geeky cool. yay! =) So very tired today. This project at work is killing me... thank god it will be over on the 31st. wow, Passover is coming up on April 5th. I am so excited.. I am going to see ABT in a few weeks in LA. I was sad that I was going to miss them at The Met for their 2004 season, since I am not going to NYC til September of this year, but now.. big smiles!!! Party this Saturday night. |
| 04/15/2004 taking a break from the craziness that is Tax Day! ugh. I had a wonderful time in LA this past 3 day weekend. Got to hang out with a bunch of friends, saw The Girl Next Door with Jon (yay!!), saw ABT perform Romeo & Juliet, shop! Lots of fun! Not sure if I will be back before my birthday in June, but I'll see. Gas is so fucking ridiculously expensive that I've curtailed a lot of random trips that I enjoy taking. Finally got back into my gym routine until I tweaked my ankle doing lunges during Step Aerobics and went to Blockbuster to ease the pain only to discover the tv gem that is Queer As Folk. The show is so addictive! I enjoy the storylines and the acting is superb! Unfortunately I barricaded myself in my apartment to watch all 22 episodes of season 1 in 2 1/2 days. Christ that was ridiculous. I have not been in the zone like that since I discovered the crack habit -like capabilities of Civilization 2. I just couldn't wait to see how the storylines played out. Been a while since a show hooked me like that (Buffy, I think, was the last one). It's funny as the new season starts this Sunday and I asked my mom to tape it for me since she has Showtime. Oddly enough, she balked at doing so, which is interesting considering she watches & loves The L Word. So she can watch two women go at it but not two men, whereas I have no problem with either especially since QAF isn't just explicit sex but involving stories of character development and life in general. weird but everyone has hangups. Other things... work has been stressing me out recently. hopefully the new guy will learn the ropes quickly so I can not be doing 2 jobs. I am so wired that I can barely relax when I get home. going to Monterey next weekend. woo hoo! |
| 4/2604 Spent the weekend in Monterey. It was so beautiful. The weather was was wonderful & the beaches were spectacular. Went walking around the tide pools & dancing at the Mucky Duck. On the way back I decided to check out the outlets in Gilroy. They were alright. It was pretty hot though; like 95 degrees while I was there so I didn't linger outside of the stores too much. There's a new French intern at my job. He's been helping me brush up on my french. very thrilled about that. I've been debating whether or not to get into the whole Anti-Bush protests going on around here. I just think he sucks so much, that I feel like i want to make a noticeable statement even though I am aware it won't change other's minds... at least it will make me feel better. |
| 5/12/04 So I just got the phone number from a friend today so that I can leave messages at the White House for the president. I will have to remember to not use profanity, which might be hard considering I generally resort to using a lot of 4 letter words when talking about Dubya. That number is 202-456-1111. Just ask to leave a message for the president. I am so hyped right now planning my summer trip to Chicago, Toronto and NYC in September. I cannot wait. Lots of clubbing and sightseeing. We're already planning out the club schedule, plus I can check out housing in NYC for next year's probable move. yay! |
| 6/1/2004 so I did my enneagram today & I am a type EIGHT. for some reason I wasn't totally surprised. anyways I had an absolute blast in LA this past weekend. Lots of clubs & liquor. I will definitely have to check out Manhattan Beach's scene again. And I really enjoyed the Beauty Bar in Hollywood. One of my friend's got her palm read by a greedy, bitter woman, which sucked cause she was already depressed & the negative palm reading didn't help change that fact at all. The highlight of the weekend: Bar #3 on Saturday night in which after checking my friend's purse for weapons, the bouncer turns to me & says "I don't think you're packing a .22" to which I replied "I have other weapons". His quick retort: "so I see" (I was wearing a strapless top). hmmmmm. |
| 6/22/04 wow, so my birthday was last week. still not 30 yet, but it's getting closer & closer. it was a fun week, just tiring. imbibed way too much alcohol & smoking. *sigh* I so don't want to become a chain smoker so I need to watch that. I went out with some of my best galfriends on Saturday night & had a lot of fun. Oasis is a cool place. Friday night I went out with a good friend to the Brass Monkey & got drunk off my ass. Good times. Sunday night was the dinner with Sandstone, which was interesting in that it helped ease the hurt of one of the most painful things I have ever had to go thru. I am slightly saddened that things will never be what they could have been, cause a part of me will always think that we could have learned a lot from one another, but it's the choice he made a long time ago about me (and his loss regarding having me be in his life to enrich it) when he decided that I didn't fit in what he wanted. And I am fine with that as who wants to be around people who don't appreciate their spiritual beauty?? I won't apologize for not being weak; for almost being too strong in my dealings with people. It's just still intriguing to me that for someone who wants to help the unfortunate & learn as much as he can, he still compartmentalizes people into myopic categories of character. The beauty about being around people who have grown up differently than you & have faced adversity is seeing that their present accomplishments mean much more than a person who didn't have to always fight to be successful or happy. I totally wish him no ill in his life pursuits; I hope that he finds what he needs to make him happy. I know I am as I deserve to be happy. Yet I know that there is a part of me that will always miss him. At the end of the night, we parted not quite as friends, as neither of us wants to go there right now, but definitely not as enemies. And I looked ravishing on Sunday night. oh, we ate here. So I guess that is the end of the 13 year drama that is the Sandstone Chronicles. And if we ever cross paths or decide to give it another go, then that's cool. and if not, that is equally cool. Also, a girl taking the initiative & kissing a guy on a date is a GREAT thing! Love it & lick it all up, baby. |