| friends..... |
| Phoebe: He's in the Capades. Joey: The Ice Capades? Chandler: No, no, the Gravel Capades. Ya, the turns aren't as fast, but when Snoopy falls - FUNNY! Joey: We'll flip for it - ducks or clowns. Chandler: Oh, we're gonn'a flip for the baby? Joey: You got a better idea? Chandler: All right, call it in the air. Joey: "Heads"! Chandler: "Heads" it is! Joey: Yes! Chandler: We have to assign "heads" to something. Joey: Right, Ok, Ok, uh, ducks is "heads", because ducks have heads! Chandler: (stares) What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday? Carol: You slept with another woman!? Ross: Oh! Y- you- you're one to talk! Chandler: Yes, hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. We might want to have a back-up plan though, just in case she isn't a cartoon! Chandler: I can handle it. Handle is my middle name. Actually it the middle part of my first name. Joey: (wearing all chandlers clothes) Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Joey: Jump off the high-dive! Stare down the barrell of the gun! Pee into the wind! Chandler: Ok Joe I can assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun I'm going to be peeing every which way! Phoebe: Oh, sweet lord! This must be what evil must taste like! Pheobe: (panicked) Chandler was in the closet counting to ten, and he was up to seven, and I hadn't found a place to hide yet! Monica: See. Now this is why I keep notepads everywhere. Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play. Phoebe:(later on the phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to write on, so she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back of his neck) Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad! Monica: Oh, now you want a pad!! Rachel: Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic!? Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover. Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so. Monica: Yes! Maybe it�s a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right? Rachel: How many ways are there to do that? Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?! Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead. PHOEBE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. CHANDLER: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... Joey: (Walking in on Ross kissing chandlers mum) Uhhhh.... I�ll just pee in the street. CHANDLER: (WATCHING LAMBCHOP) Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it�d be talking too. ROSS: You know what, I-I�d better pass on the game. I think I�m just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. JOEY: The hell with hockey, let�s all do that! CHANDLER: (at the emergency room) Listen, it�s kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we�d be in the predicament room. MONICA: Are you nuts?! We�ve got George Stephanopoulos� pizza! RACHEL: (to phoebe) Uh, Pheebs? Who�s George Snuffalopagus? PHOEBE: Big Bird�s friend. Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That�s so funny, �cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don�t live with Mommy? How come Mommy lives with that other lady? What�s a lesbian? Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table) Chandler: That�s patio furniture! Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, �Uh-oh, I�m outside again?� Of course! JOEY: Yeah, you�re gonna go up to her and say, �Here�s your egg back, I�m returning your egg.� CHANDLER: I think it�s winning. She�ll love it. Go with the egg, my friend. [Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.] JOEY: Think it�ll work? CHANDLER: No, it�s suicide. The man�s got an egg. CHANDLER: How can I dump this woman on Valentine�s day? JOEY: I don�t know. You dumped her on New Year�s. CHANDLER: Oh, man. In my next life, I�m coming back as a toilet brush. CHANDLER: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? RACH: No. But don�t worry, I�m sure they�re still there. MONICA: So great! He showed me where the restaurant�s going to be. It�s this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right. CHANDLER: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears? JOEY: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today. PHOEBE: Ooh! Oh! Fun! Ok. Um, Liam Neeson...Morly Safer... The woman who cuts my hair! MONICA: Ok, look, this could be a really long game. MONICA: I can�t believe you. You still haven�t told that girl she doesn�t have a job yet? CHANDLER: Well, you still haven�t taken down the Christmas lights. MONICA: Congratulations, I think you�ve found the world�s thinnest argument. Rachel: [to Ross]: So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends. Ross: [pause]...Yeah. Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. Phoebe: Oh my God. You�d put that poor little creature in jail? Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Phoebe: Yes, but there isn�t always time! Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y�know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex. Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would�ve involved a major lifestyle choice. PHOEBE: No, no actually, he�s smiling.. and... Oh my God, don�t do that!! ROSS: What? What? What?! PHOEBE: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (ENTER RACHEL) Oh! MONICA: (to rachel) How�d it go? RACHEL: Y�know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y�know you poke it and all the butter squirts out... PHOEBE: Not a good day for birds... CHANDLER:(calls a girl, and then hurriedly hangs up) I got her machine. JOEY: Her answering machine? CHANDLER: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up. JOEY: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for? MONICA: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. �Help, come quick, they�re still extinct.� ETHAN: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place wher crimes happen. MONICA: How was that possible? ETHAN: Well, think about it. It�s always on the news. �A man is being held up, at gunpoint.� �Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.� You know, I just kept thinking: why do people continue to go there? MONICA: [getting choked up] Hi, Ben. Hi. I�m your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I�m your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum. ROSS: [sigh]....I have to go to China. JOEY: The country? ROSS: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom�s breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? CHANDLER: Uh, let�s see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. CHANDLER: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? RACHEL: What did you just say? Oh.... my God. CHANDLER: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no.... JOEY: [pats Chandler on the leg] That�s good, just keep rubbing your head. That�ll turn back time. Chandler: Hi. Anybody know a good tailor? Joey: Needs some clothes altered? Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk. Phoebe: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.' Waiter: And for you? Chandler: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish. Waiter: Anything else? Chandler: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. (waiter glares at him) You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you? Ross: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb? Monica: No. But I remember people telling me about it.... ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Chandler: (On the phone with a computer hotline.) I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?!! CHANDLER: Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end." ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!! ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there. JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like... the worst lesbian ever. PHOEBE: (at the childrens library)Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers.....Nooowww, chickens! JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie!! MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man? MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor. MRS. GELLER: A real doctor? MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor PHOEBE: (After chickening out of getting her tattoo)I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles? RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens. PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven. RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot! Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' (Chandler is sitting on the bar in his apartment wearing huge dog-slippers] CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy. PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye. RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi' ROSS: What, the word hi? RACHEL: No, my Uncle Hi... Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice, trying to get monica to sleep) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place. Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine. Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out! Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything. Monica: All right, I'll try not to. Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky.... Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake? Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees.... Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine. Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook.... Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee. Ross:Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? Joey: (looking in the fridge) All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.) Chandler: Taste it. Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat! Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. Joey: (later) Hey, Ross, want some cider? Rachel: Monica's making jam. Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at our place? Chandler: (stares) Because the kids need new shoes. Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon? Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty. Chandler: (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door) Chandler: (enters, and sees the appartment full of wood) Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off? Joey: No. Y'know how we�re always saying we need a place for the mail. Chandler: Yeah! Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step. Chandler: You�re building a post office? Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate. Ross: What? Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight Ross: Carol�s a lesbian. And, and I�m not one. And apparently it�s not a mix and match situation.. Phoebe: (sitting on the pool table and looking at the felt) Oh, Ross you�re right, I don�t know why I always thought this was real grass. Joey: Question. Was ah, �Egg the Gellers!� the war cry of your neighbourhood? Ross: So I told Carl, �Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.� But of course this went in one ear and out..... Rachel : *thinking*I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he�s Alan Alda. Monica: *thinking* Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are THOSE gonna become extinct? Chandler:*thinking* If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible.... that would be the best.! (smiles and nods) Gunther: *thinking* What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife. Joey: (humming the elephant song in his head.) Phoebe: *thinking* Who�s singing? |
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