| the young ones..... |
| NEIL: Weird, eh? I better get back to the lentil cassarole before I get disorientated! RICK: Augh! A rat! (gets a guitar out of the fridge [ ?!?! ] and starts beating the rat to death) NEIL: Oh, wow, Rick, man, that�s really heavy, man! My grandfather made that guitar entirely out of matchsticks on his deathbed! RICK: Oh! Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too! VYVYAN: Yes, they are! RICK: Ha! Fallen into my trap! In that case, why isn�t Cliff Richard boring, clever-trousers? Tell me that! NEIL: (seeing rick nailed to a crucifix outside the house) Hey Rick, man, what are you doing with my crucifix, man? RICK: I�m protesting! NEIL: Yeah but I really think I should lay this one on you, man, that�s a really negative way to kill yourself, you know, like, I�ve tried it, hundreds of times. There�s no way you can hammer in the last nail. Vyvyan: We had a front door at the last house. Rick: Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room! VYVYAN: All right, Neil. I�m going to give you three seconds to make supper, starting now! NEIL:(runs into the kitchen and grabs a pot) What do you fancy, Vyv? VYVYAN: Three! Where�s my supper?! [looks in a pot] NEIL: Well, it�s not quite finished, actually. [Vyvyan breaks a plate over Neil�s head. Neil falls on the floor.] RICK: Oh, that�s right, Neil, yeah! Lounge around! Have a good time, while we starve to death! Beatnik! VYVYAN: And you�ve broken my favorite plate! NEIL: Oh, uh, OK, Rick. RICK: What'd you just say? NEIL: What? RICK: You just called me a bastard, didn't you?! VYVYAN: (playing monopoly) You have won second prize in a beauty contest...smash Rick over the head with the bank! RICK: (reading from the cards) "Congratulations, it is your birthday! You may set fire to Rick's bed!" "Get out of jail free: You may keep this card, sell it, or stick it up Rick's bottom"! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! Rick: For one man to love another, Vyvyan, is not poofy. It's actually very beautiful. It's only when they start touching each others bottoms that it gets poofy. Vyvyan: I'm going to tell Mike and Neil that you said you love men! Vyvyan:That's what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking, I look after the plants and goldfish. Neil: Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day? Vyvyan: Eh...Sausages. It was a Tuesday. Neil: Yeah, sausages, and... Vyvyan: Sausages and plants and goldfish! Neil: You can tell me truthfully guys, do i smell? Mike: Yes. Neil: Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I ...What do you mean, "yes"? Vyvyan: We mean yes you smell...Smelly! Neil: [Rooting through the garbage] Does anybody want the last chick pea? Mike: Vyvyan, if you can't keep control of your socks, you shan't be allowed to have any! Neil: Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock! Kill...Kill...Kill...Kill... Rick: Oh, that's nice talk coming from a vegetarian! Neil: Socks aren't vegetables, man, they should be wiped out! RICK: Help! I've just fallen in to a grave! VYVYAN: Brilliant! Let's fill it in! RICK: And anyway Neil, don't think that me, Mike and Vyvyan don't know exactly what you get up to in there. So I wouldn't go around spilling the beans if I was you! NEIL: [looking very worried]: What do you know about the beans?! RICK: Vyvyan! You utter bastard! Why aren't you in your bed? VYVYAN: Because I'm not going to bed tonight. RICK: What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight? How dare you not go to bed tonight! I go to all the trouble to board you up in your bedroom, and you don't even have the common decency to be in there! RICK: Oh no. The front door's exploded. MIKE: Vyvyan! VYVYAN: Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan! MIKE: Well, who do you suggest we blame? VYVYAN: No. Blame whoever rang the front doorbell, 'cause they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up. RICK: He's going to bite me first... I'm obviously the most succulent... Right! [runs to stairs] Mister Vampire! Mister Vampire! Don't bite me, I'm a hologram! Bite Neil! He's strawberry flavoured! NEIL: Here's a joke for you, Rick. How many people, who live in this house, right, does it take to change a light bulb? One. Me. Cause I'm the only person who ever does anything around here! HELEN: Is that the time? MIKE: No, time is an abstract concept. This is a wristwatch RICK: Oh, no! Vyvyan! No! Please! You were right and I was wrong! I am a virgin! VYVYAN: Not for long, matey. RICK: Here's 59 pence compensation for disagreeing with you. Yes, I'll get the T-shirts printed up first thing in the morning. RICK: I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP. NEIL: You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist. RICK: Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!... Dear Mr Echo... RICK- Stop Thief!!! NEIL: Thieves rush in where angels fear to tread. RICK: No, it's fools, Neil. Fools. NEIL: Thieves rush in where fools fear to tread. NEIL: Why is it always me that makes the tea? [places the kettle on the stove and goes to plug something in. Suddenly, the kettle explodes] Oh wow! [walks over and picks up the destroyed kettle] It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me! NEIL: If you wanted to talk about it, you should have said that you wanted to let off steam! [laughs] Kettle! Let off steam! [pats kettle soothingly] Sorry. VYVYAN: [enters] Good morning, Neil! Tea ready yet, is it? NEIL: Shh! The kettle's had a breakdown! VYVYAN: Oh, no! That means we'll have to have raw tea again! [takes a tea bag and eats it] NEIL: [opens cupboard, but quickly shuts it] I don't think I'm going to be able to make the breakfast without breaking all the plates, Vyv! VYVYAN: Why's that, Neil? NEIL: Um, You see, the lentils are trapped behind this huge mound of teetering crockery! NEIL: Oh, no. This will never go around! We'll have to have cornflakes! VYVYAN: Cornflakes for breakfast! That's disugsting, Neil! RICK: MIKE, YOU BASTARD! Why didn't you buy a license? I can't go to prison! I'm too pretty! I'll get raped! MIKE: Vyv? Eat the telly! VYVYAN: That's a completely brilliant idea, Mike. I've been wanting to do this for a long time! (eats all the telly except for the cord hanging out of his mouth) MR BASTARD -The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you! VYVYAN: It's a toaster! RICK: Neil, can you lend me...What are you doing? NEIL: Oh, painting myself white to deflect the blast! RICK: There, that's all taken care off. By this time tomorrow everybody will be free and there will be no more racial prejudice or hatred! Get up, Neil! I hate you! |
 |
 |