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| la la la laa laaaa..... |
| Jane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again? Daria: No. Satan's voice is lower ... and he has an English accent. |
| We are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car." - Daria |
| JANE- I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs. Shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise. DARIA- The whole thing's enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good if you want to be a model... eases the transition to bulemia. DARIA- But, if I baby-sat for you, then technically I'd be doing you a favor. And that simply cannot be. JANE- I hate to tell you this, but there's a big greasy spot of peanut-buttery goodness on your butt. DARIA- I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, and a sandwich on my ass. JANE- And all in front of Trent. DARIA- Now twist the knife counter-clockwise... TRENT- Do you ever feel like you're wasting your life? DARIA- Only when I'm awake. DARIA- Family's gone mad. Must get them back to civilization, but no way to contact civilization because mother made big deal about cutting off all communication. What to do? (phone rings) Rely on mother's hypocrisy to see us through this crisis. JAKE- See that stream? That's our drinking water! See those berries? That's our breakfast! DARIA- See that skeleton? That's our future. (pause) Made you look. MR O'NEIL- You know what they say: A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. JANE- Not if you're a diabetic. DARIA- Sorry we woke you up. TRENT- Don't worry about it. It was bound to happen sooner or later. PRINCIPAL LI- Did you really think you were going to get away with it? JANE- Well, it would be stupid to say yes now. DARIA- (as is starts to rain) Good. I was feeling too dry DARIA- A bridal Expo? That's a good message to send high-school students. JODIE- It's a fund-raiser for extracurricular activities. JANE- I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding... QUINN- Excuse me, I have a name. TRENT- Right. Daria's sister. JANE- Uh-oh, someone has just put us in a position of responsibility. DARIA- The day has suddenly turned sinister. DARIA-(out loud to herself) Oh. They're eating dinner. Should I sit down and join them or fake a headache? (out loud to her family) I'm not feeling too well. I think I'll eat later. DARIA- Mom, dad, Quinn's on the phone in the kitchen ordering a convertible. JAKE- Oh my God! HELEN- Reading something? DARIA- Yes. HELEN- : May I ask what it is? DARIA: It's a book. JAKE- Hello, is Daria there? TRENT- Hello? No, Daria's not here. You want the Morgendorffers. JAKE- Gah! Aah! I am the Morgendorffers!" DARIA- Well, there is some pleasure in winning awards for saying the same things that made me an outcast in high school. |
| HELEN- (on the phone to Trent) Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane? Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here, you'll be safer.... Then put some on, and get over here now young man! Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore!? JAKE-: Agh! I can't take it any more! TRENT- Whoa. No more cocoa for you, man. DARIA- I almost killed a dog yesterday. JANE- Going to work you way up to humans slowly? DARIA- They may be shallow, but that doesn't mean they should be executed. JANE- Yes it does. DARIA- Very well, I'm sold. JANE- Misery loves company. DARIA- You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole friendship WIND- Do I smell cookies baking? JANE- Not bloody likely. TRENT- I gotta go sharpen my guitar pick. JANE- Note to self: stop by courthouse on way home and pick up restraining order. JAKE- Well, you can just forget it, missy! Jake Morgendorffer doesn't repeat himself! Doesn't repeat himself! DARIA- I think I had a hand in her epiphany. JANE- I hope you washed it thoroughly. JANE- It's not the money that hurts; it's having that damn apocalypse postponed again MR DEMARTINO- Very well, but dress for survival. DARIA- Well, I was going to dress for perishing, but okay. DARIA- I came to the realization that given a choice between sharing shelter with my fellow students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard, it's blizzard ho for me DARIA-Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge would he do that? JANE- Dunno. We'll try that next time. JAKE- Hey kiddo! How's your day? DARIA- Fine. I heard a new voice inside my head, and Kevin stole a test so everyone's getting an F. JAKE- That's great! HELEN- Daria, you were just kidding about the voice, right? DARIA- (out loud, to herself) Relax. We don't have to answer that. |
| JANE- Cheer, cheer, cheer. Yell, yell, yell. Who cares who wins? We're all going to hell. DOCTOR- We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire, and... well, we're a little concerned. HELEN-(reading) Favorite pastime: turning water into wine. DARIA- I knew I should have gone with the burning bush. JAKE- Is anybody out there? Am I the only one left in the house? DARIA- If I help you with the first question, will you try to do the second one on your own? CASHIER- : Can I help you dear? DARIA- No. I just came to enjoy your reenactment of the fall of Saigon. KEVIN-Whatever it was, we'll remember it when we see it. Our memories will go jogging. JANE- This could get ugly. DARIA- You're right. I'll go back to aisle thirty and get some lounge chairs. JANE- I don't have a leg to stand on, do I? DARIA- I'd rather not answer that, Stumpy JANE- Shallow graves for shallow people.... JAKE- You're going to steer with both hands when we're actually on the road, right? TRENT- Unless I think of some lyrics on the road and have to write them down. You understand. HELEN- Quinn... is that a book you've got? DARIA- Sorry to give away the surprise, but in the end he eats the green eggs AND the ham. QUINN- Eeww... You're not really going to eat all that fat, are you? DARIA- No.... I'm going to stick it in my boots because I love that squishy-squishy feeling around my toes. JANE- So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm gonna throw up? TRENT- I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you JAKE- Hey, Daria. You've got small hands. DARIA- But my big brain tells me not to stick them into garbage disposals. HELEN- Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book. DARIA- Let's hope. DARIA- So you're right. I don't want to be part of the crowd. And I don't want my own crowd either. JAKE- I've got to get out of here until the dust settles. DARIA- Or the bodies stop twitching. JAKE- (doorbell rings) That must be the prime rib! DARIA: I just assumed it would be dead, and here it is ringing the doorbell. MR BROWER- Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a bit of an attitude problem. Are you trying to sabotage yourself? DARIA- I'm responding to your questions truthfully, so I guess the answer is yes. DARIA- Dog collar: Conversation starter. Doubles as a conversation stopper. DARIA- A woman's home is her castle. Excuse me while I go raise the drawbridge. DARIA- I wish people spoke in subtitles. Then I could just close my eyes. DARIA- Boy, bring one measly sword and shield to class and people think you're hostile. LANE FAMILY NOTE- There may be some food left in the refrigerator, or check the freezer. FYI: Dad tried to thaw out his sneakers last night and found out the oven isn't working. TRENT- I needed a break away. I practiced for 10 hours today." JANE- "Daria, does holding the guitar while sleeping count as practicing?" TRENT- "As long as you don't drop it." DARIA- Brittany invited me to her party. JANE- No kidding! Are you going? DARIA- Sure, and after that I think I'll swallow glass. BRITANNY- I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night. QUINN- I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it. DARIA- What about the unpopular animals? QUINN- Unpopular animals don't count. DARIA- What about the stupid ones? KEVIN- Alright! Field trip! Where we going, man? DARIA- The field. KEVIN-Cool! MRS MANSON- What do you see in the picture, Dara? DARIA- A herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. MRS MANSON- There aren't any ponies in this picture. DARIA- The last time I took this test, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be anything I wanted. MRS MANSON- That's a different test. In this test, it's a picture of two people talking. You tell me what they're discussing. DARIA-Okay...it's a guy and a girl. And they're discussing...a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. JANE- Who's Aunt Bernice? TRENT- You know, from Middleberry. She wears those straw hats. Thinks they're country or something. They look like the kind they put on horses to keep the sun off their heads. JANE- You say she's from Middleberry? TRENT- Yeah. JANE- So we'd be flying out of the same airport? TRENT- Yeah, yeah, what's your point? (Turns and looks at the woman in the seat next to him.) AUNT BERNICE-: Hello Trent. TRENT- Oh!..... Hello Aunt Bernice... I like your hat. UNCLE MAXX- I always liked you Trent. You were my favorite. TRENT- And why is that, Uncle Maxx. UNCLE MAXX- Cuz you're a BUM. You're a lousy BUM. You're a rotten BUM. You remind me of myself... You know why? TRENT- Cuz I'm a bum? UNCLE MAXX- That's right, ..you bum! DARIA- I shouldn't have had that tea. JANE- You have to go? There's some trees over there! TRENT- What the matter Daria, you gotta whizz? JESSE- What's wrong? TRENT- It's Daria! she has to pee! JESSE- You have to pee Daria? You can pee behind those trees. See those trees? You can pee behind there! KEVIN- (during a test) Pssst...Daria. What'd you get for number one? DARIA- The one about "who I really am?" Try cross-dresser. KEVIN- Thanks! |
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